I had a nightmare on Saturday night after my cousin's wedding. I am guessing it is rolled up with some of the processing that I have been exploring in my
other thread, but I figured it might spark its own separate discussion...
What stands out to me is that it I have had this nightmare before. Only 2-3 times over a span of years, and they were slightly different in the details but the underlying events and ending are the same. And each time it has been
so real in a way that most of my dreams just aren’t, which has made them stick in my memory (unlike most dreams that we forget).
In my dream Saturday night, I was in my car. It was night, and I was stopped somewhere with my mom. She had gone around to the back of the car to load something in the trunk. I realized I was rolling backward, so I moved the car forward and put on the brakes.
But then I realized the car started rolling backward again. When I put on the brakes this time, it didn’t stop the car. I pressed as hard as I could, and it didn’t work. I pulled the emergency brake, and it didn’t do anything. I saw my mom in the rearview mirror, looking worried. Then I became aware in the dream that S5 was in the car with me.
After a couple moments of frustration that I couldn’t stop the car, I felt us roll off the edge of a cliff and fall. I didn’t know the cliff was there, but I felt us go over and knew in that instant that it was certain death on impact. In that moment of falling, with that weightless sick feeling of panic in my stomach, all I could do was reach back for S5 screaming that I loved him.
I woke up at that point, heart pounding of course. The last time I had this dream, I was at some kind of construction site, alone in the car, intentionally backing up to get out of the way of some heavy equipment before going over an edge I didn't know was there. I'm not sure how long ago that was, but I think it has been at least a year or two. Details of the first time or two are more fuzzy except for the falling part.
Given the recurrence, I have been thinking a lot about dreams lately. Especially since last week when I found myself thinking back on a nightmare I had as a kid. It’s the only nightmare I really remember from my childhood, but now I'm wondering more about the potential meaning. In that dream, the Hulk had me (as a child) over his shoulder, and he was taking me away somewhere.
(It appears the Hulk has some special meaning to me, given the below reference I made in an
earlier post about triggers. I watched a lot of sci-fi as a kid ... .including the Incredible Hulk tv show... .and I always loved them.)
Speaking of anger in particular, I get this mental image of the Hulk when he first transforms. He just stands there and roars at the world or whatever it was that finally provoked the Hulk to come out. and then he just goes on this destructive rampage (granted, usually in service of good, but still it's a mess). I feel like I'm Bruce Banner, constantly trying to keep the Hulk from coming out... .but the reality is there is no Hulk to be worried about.
What I find interesting about the dream from my childhood is that I realized I wasn’t scared of the Hulk. I was just scared.
I can hypothesize over the meanings of a lot of things. Maybe as a child I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Maybe my anger (the Hulk in my dream) was helping to protect me from something upsetting, at least subconsciously. Maybe I'm unknowingly getting too close to some serious emotions in my adult life and sensing some kind of cliff coming up. Or maybe I just had indigestion. I don't know. It was just so terrifying in the dream... .especially to know I was taking S5 with me.
mw
