Inlaws visiting for a week with virtually no communication

[Woodchuck]

Background - over the last 18 years, the agreement that we have had has been that no one stays in our house without either myself or my W present.  This has been in large part due to her lack of trusting anyone. 

Current scenario - She asked if I had a problem with her inviting her parents for a visit.  I told her that I did not.  I did not hear anything for several weeks.  Two weeks ago, she came and asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday and that her parents were coming in the night prior to my birthday.  She did not say anything about how long they were staying etc.  Last week I asked her what the details were in regards to their visit.  She said they would be staying the entire week.  I asked her where they were staying and she told me that they would be staying in the spare bedroom next to the kids since I was being an a$$hole and staying in the basement (I have been living down there for over 6 months).  I told her that I did not feel comfortable with her parents staying next to the kids due to various things I have uncovered over the past few months.  Again, I was told that I am being an a$$hole and just trying to make things difficult.  Anyway, the main point of the concern that came up was that they would be in the house for 3 days while both of us were at work and the kids were at school.  What had not been ok for 18 years was now perfectly acceptable and she felt/feels no need to talk to me about it and come to some kind of agreement.  Due to her refusing to talk about it, I called her dad to talk to him about my concerns.  All he basically said is that he would talk with her and try to work something out.  He offered to rent a car and go out site seeing all day while no one was there.  I told him that I did not have any desire to put them out like that, that my main concern and goal was to come to some kind of mutual agreement with my W.  She apparently talked to him and is still refusing to talk about it, only saying that I am lying about having them in the house 'unsupervised' and that she is just going to get them a hotel.  I do not feel like I am trying to be an a$$hole or be difficult about anything.  I really don't want anyone staying a week at the house under the current conditions, I don't care if it is her family, my family or anyone else.  I believe that I am putting my feelings aside, yet again and not saying no to her having her family over.  I understand that she and the kids will have a good time visiting with them and it will be nice for her to be with her family for her favorite holiday.  All I want is to be communicated with and my POV and thoughts have some kind of value.

WC

[worriedStepmom]

Are you still pursuing divorce by trying to be separated in the same house?

Because if you are, then you don't really get a say of who she invites over to her part of the house.
If you are, you shouldn't be spending your birthday with her and her parents.
If you are, you shouldn't really be referring to her as your Wife anymore.  She's your "xW" or "STBXW" instead.
If you are, you need to make it clear to her parents while they are there that you are working toward divorce and no longer consider yourselves married.

She could cite any of this - even you just acting normally with her parents and pretending the marriage is still viable - as proof that you are not separated in house.

If you're not actively pursuing divorce, then we might have other advice for you.

[Notwendy]

All I want is to be communicated with and my POV and thoughts have some kind of value


I think this is the cardinal issue in your relationship. So far, you aren't getting this from her. Why would this change now?

I don't have legal advice. It's her house and so she can ask anyone over. You can make your point but it may not be listened to.

What sort of danger is it if her parents are alone in the house or in the room next to your children?

[takingandsending]

I would think your in-laws would want to stay anywhere but at your house right now. It's an incredibly awkward situation to be a guest at the house of two people who have stated they have irreconcilable differences.

That your wife has invited them on your birthday is not acceptable. It is an attempt to marginalize your day that should be spent with your kids. Specify clearly what is right for you. I don't want them to stay - there's enough stress in the household already. I am spending my birthday with S and D doing such and such. And you don't have to invite her parents or her. This is about beginning the process of separating out your lives.

[ForeverDad]

Just as an aside, and certainly not to change your plans or anything... .  Most court orders, once they are issued, assign each parent alternate holidays and kids' birthdays.  Generally the parents' birthdays are not included in a list of holidays and other exceptions, well, unless both parents want the schedule amended that way.

There is no order yet and so maybe (probably) your stbEx won't contest your desire to spend time with the kids that day.