he keeps saying he's coming home...then he does a 180

[blackorchid]

My fiance left on July 1st... .He split and left. After a month he came home, spent the night and then said he shouldnt have done it. We were in contact throughout August, he offered to drive me "but only as friends" and kept asking me to go out to a club but it didnt happen.

On September 10th he came to see my mum before she flew home to England, (i live abroad) and it turned into the biggest argument... .my mum was fuelling the fire.  The week later I went home to England for 10 days and 3 days after I came home he turned up, crying and saying how much he loved and missed me. The next morning when he woke up for work, he said it was a mistake.  The following week he came again, this time it was planned all week, again after he left he said he shouldnt have done it.  He came again, after 2 days, stayed three days, said how he loves me and our dog this is his family, he wants to come home, after he left another 180.  He came again last Friday and said he really wants to come home... .but he has gone to visit his family in the North of the country and has gone quiet and cold again and Im trying to ignore it as his family are always a trigger... .

Has anyone else had this? Going insane... .TIA

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[Beneck]

Hey, welcome!

I assure you, all of us have had similar experiences with our BPD people in our lives, in varying degrees. What's common is how it affects us. We all find ourselves bogged down and stressed because of these situations at some point.

From what you've wrote, I can see that his constant changing of decisions has really done a number of you.

I think it may be time for you to keep a bit of a distance and use that opportunity to take care of yourself and find yourself again. Healthy, firm but still gentle boundaries are a must.

What do you think?

[blackorchid]

Hi Beneck,

Thanks for the reply. Yes, Im trying to do that and just keeping myself busy. Think I have made progress over the summer with the self care thing. Now im just not too sure as to what I should be doing with him, when he wants to come should I just allow him? Worried that if I dont I will just be split again, but at the same time dont want him to think that its ok to do this.


Since his been at his familys this week its like we're NC again... .I actually dont want to message him as I dont want his family to get involved again and bad mouth me after they see my name pop up on his phone... .

[once removed]

hi blackorchid, i want to join Beneck and say

so, what led to the split in july, what was his reasoning if any? how long had the two of you been engaged, and how long had you been together?

[desperate.wife]

Hi blackorchid,
It’s been some time I didn’t see you here.
I am so sorry to hear you are still going through this. You are afraid he would split you again, but I think you need to work on a boundary here. You can't take him back just to be left next morning. My husband was doing that: we divorce, next morning he wants to try. It is not good for mental health. So I just said enough. I am ready to go. He got scared. Wanted to try. I set up a deadline. He agreed, but his depression got worse. But he needed this boundary, that he can't bring up divorce till deadline. You should think of what would be good for you. Clearly, you can't go on like that, what boundary you could make. He is not with you anyway.
 

DW

[blackorchid]

Hi  Once Removed, a friend of his from his hometown came to stay... .he is very rude and obnoxious and always ignores me in my own home.  Last year I told him that he cant come again and he agreed. One night in June we were watching TV together and said friend called and said he was on the way and will stay at ours. (see obnoxious told didnt ask)... .He jumped up to go to the supermarket as it would close in 15 mins, he said that the friend wanted a BBQ on our terrace between 1 am and 2 am when he would arrive. I said thats ridiculous it will disturb the neighbours and me as I have work in the morning and need to sleep. I suggested going to the beach to the BBQ area if he really wanted a BBQ and my fiance agreed.

Then he came back from the supermarket and said the friend didnt agree and wont go to the beach and wants a BBQ on the terrace. So an argument started.

TBH i was pissed that he just upped and ran to the supermarket as soon as the friend snapped his fingers. The past year was HARD he had major depression after an injury caused him to retire early from his football career.whenever I asked him to go shopping he refused stating he was tired/depressed etc

When the friend came I was already in bed and then in the morning I found out that the idiotic friend had got completely drunk and broke some things on the terrace and then fell in the bathroom and bought the shelves down and my new facecream was smashed that my mum had just brought over from England and that you cant buy here and was expensive.  That led  to another argument.  As once again the friend ignored me and didnt even apologize.

Then my fiance split completely and said he was leaving me as I dont treat his family right. I didnt understand what he was talking about as I hadn't seen his family in a year and we parted on good terms... .

We have been together for 13 years and engaged for 5.  I've had a lot of bereavements so didnt want a big wedding and whilst he wasn't working he said we couldnt get married (turkish culture)

His friend also told me that he left as he didnt believe we would ever get married... .He had put it of since his injury in 2016... .


desperate.wife TBH i have been avoiding the site to try and help my mentality  September was insanely rough... .he came to see my mum and it turned into the biggest argument ever and I couldnt deal with anything... .October was then him playing these games... I really want to set the boundaries but feel like its something I should do face to face rather than through messaging?

[once removed]

TBH i have been avoiding the site to try and help my mentality 

why go underwater from your support group especially when times are hardest? its a bit like quitting therapy in order to do better at the problem youre trying to tackle.

okay, so the background definitely helps.

He came again last Friday and said he really wants to come home... .but he has gone to visit his family in the North of the country and has gone quiet and cold again

it sounds like hes spinning in circles. when hes around you, he misses you and the home. a little distance, and he swings the other way. theres not a lot you can do in that regard, apart from avoiding getting caught up in it, no easy task.

so, his point about you and his family... .has this always been a sore spot for him or was it out of the blue? how often, throughout the time youve been together, do you see his family, and how has it gone?

[blackorchid]

Hi once removed,

that totally makes sense about therapy and here... .but it was just my way of coping and trying to put him out of my mind and not get too caught up in everything... .

family has always been a trigger for him. They have never approved of us they want a nice muslim Turkish girl for him and have told me often enough, whenever I see them my actions are never good enough which they voice and then he flips... .

We dont see them so often (thankfully) they live12 hours away on the North coast... .so its usually once a year... .I didnt understand why he compared his friend to them... .

He is travelling back today and started getting back in touch late last night... .not with much just a hey kind of message.


Im going to be more active on here though again so thank you

[desperate.wife]

desperate.wife TBH i have been avoiding the site to try and help my mentality

I know what you mean... .I feel the same sometimes. Sometimes I just want to rest my mind from all this. And some stories, couples strugling for decades... .Makes me think: is it how is it going to be now? But other stories inspires and give curage. But it is safe place here. I am greatful

Anyway, how are you feeling today? Any news?