Are Birthdays a big trigger for people living with BPD

[rosesarered]

My uBPD partner (together 8 years, with a 3 and 5 year old) has his birthday today and he is in fine form. Despite every attempt made to acknowledge his birthday in a restrained way ( I get in trouble for wasting money) he is being vile towards me. Contempt, accusations of wasteful spending, slamming doors?. Incessant. He made the kids cry saying he didn’t want a cake ( we were outside woolies they were about to choose one) then I got blamed for that too. His estranged father ( also uBPD) is I think in hospital again ( he has kidney failure) and he refuses to tell me what is happening. I overheard him on the phone to his mother last night, very intense call. He said “well tell him I’m coming I need closure before he dies” anyway he hangs up and I asked “are you ok” and he glared at me and stormed off. Again this morning I gently asked around what was going on and he said “nothing”. He mentioned to someone on on the phone that he was heading up today to see his dad. Gets off the phone and refuses to tell me what is happening. I am being a saint and allowing him time to let me in on his own timeline. But then all day he has been picking fights. It’s soul destroying. Im not doing so well today. Whenever it’s bad like this I find somewhere to escape to ( like the kids bedroom) and read stop walking on eggshells. Try to weather the storm. Just got me thinking perhaps birthdays are a big trigger for BPD’ers, as I know MY birthday is always a guaranteed trigger for him. Every. Year.

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[I Am Redeemed]

Hi roses,

I have seen posts on this site that suggest that holidays and special occasions in general can be triggering for pwBPD.

My uBPDh (currently separated) always managed to ruin every birthday of mine or his. The first year we were together, when his birthday came around things were tight financially. I was not working and was staying home with the kids (my daughters, then three and four and our newborn son) and as his bday approached he got more and more critical, nasty and mean. He seemed to sink into He was in a dark depression and hated everything. He said he did not want a cake and went on some long rant about his childhood birthdays and how he never had a party and his grandmother always made him a homemade cake because they were so poor... .delved really deep into self pity about things that happened thirty plus years ago.

He said he did not want to celebrate. We did not have the money, he did not want a cake, etc.

His bday was on a week day. My daughter's school had a "movie afternoon" after preschool that day, and I let her go. He was enraged. How dare I let her go when it was his bday and we were supposed to celebrate. I should have known he was going to pull something out of his hat so we would have money to go out. I should have known he really didn't mean anything he said. I should not have used our food stamps to buy ingredients to make him a cake, he wanted a store bought cake... .my birthday had been three weeks earlier and he had gotten me a cake (which I did not ask for) and I was a horrible selfish person for celebrating my own birthday and not his... .my family had come over and everything and no one was invited over for his birthday... .it was a disaster. I heard about it for years afterwards.

I don't know what it is, but I would say in my experience, yes, birthdays are triggering. And my birthday from then on was a trigger for an "episode" as well. Once he got mad because I chose not to ask off of work on my birthday, and he got mad because he had wanted to go to his mother's house that day (on impulse- not planned- he always got mad if he came up with something on the fly that he wanted to do and I was not readily available) and he threw a fit over how I ruined everything (but it was MY birthday).

Another year, I was planning to go out to eat for my birthday. Three days before my birthday he came home from work and promptly decided we were going out to eat because he wanted to. So we went, and we went where he wanted to go, and I did not even have time to take a shower or get dressed to go out- I had to go in my sweats that I had worn all day cleaning house.

He then told me that was my birthday dinner. When my birthday came three days later, we did nothing.

Last year on my 40th birthday he drugged me with a hallucinogenic - based amphetamine drug. He was using heavily at the time, and had gone into a very psychotic state. I don't think that kind of extreme behavior is exhibited by most pwBPD- my h most likely has other mental health issues as well.

But the years before he got that bad off- yeah, bdays were always hell.

Redeemed

[Turkish]

Even thinking back on my life to identify BPD- like people,  I remember them dysregulating or causing drama on birthdays,  or other events.  My ex once ruined Christmas.  I got blamed buy the trigger was something between her and her mother also.

PwBPD (people with BPD) feel self loathing at their cores. Deeper than that,  "my feelings are worthless and don't matter,  therefore I'm worthless and don't matter." We can unintentionally trigger this distorted world-view.  That's why we talk a lot about validation here (see Lesson 3 from the pinned link at the top of the board).

This might be a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Let us know if it is helpful. 

If I were to guess at the money thing,  he doesn't feel worthwhile spending money upon.  It must be frustrating and sad to deal with this because you are sincere and the kids don't know any better.

[boogs152]

My partner and I have been together a year. His birthday was absolutely awful. He was in such a bad way. A total mess.

I’m glad I’ve seen your post because I didn’t realise what was going on until I read your story.
 
The self worth thing is a big factor I’m sure. I wanted to do something nice for his birthday but it was a disaster. I gave him some money for a pair of trainers he’d been looking at for six months but he decided that he wanted to buy groceries instead. I realise now that he didn’t feel worthy of spending money on himself for those trainers.

I’d booked us dinner at one of the best restaurants in the city. When we arrived my partner started crying constantly. This doesn’t bother me but my pwBPD was highly emotional. It’s like he had an extreme state of anxiety on the days surrounding his birthday.

Anyway I will continue... .

So he eagerly ordered the most expensive meal on the menu which pleased me because I knew he wanted to enjoy himself. It was a large prime steak. As soon as he finished his meal his demeanour changed. He felt unwell.
He wanted to leave and looked exhausted.
Once we arrived home he proceeded to the bathroom where he forced himself to violently vomit up his dinner for the next two hours. He returned to bed and tossed and turned all night.   

The following day he had the biggest meltdown I’ve ever seen. He was sobbing in tears and stormed out of the house.
The whole experience was bewildering and draining. I didn’t try to make a big deal about it. I just listened to whatever he needed to say but it was hard.

My birthday is coming up next week. I don’t think I’m even going to mention it.
.

[Radcliff]

My last birthday with my wife, I slept on the garage floor.  (I had a sleeping bag, ground pad and pillow and got pretty comfy, but it wasn't my first choice of location ;)

Yes, any holiday, but also illnesses can be a huge trigger.  If his father is dying, that's an over-the-top trigger.

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through.  It can be isolating, and soul-destroying as you say.  What brings you joy?  Are there islands of joy you can create somehow, with things that are within your control?

RC

[Chosen]

Oh heck YES.  Every special occasion is a trigger.  Especially our wedding anniversary. 

For his birthday, he always says he doesn't want me to do anything.  He wouldn't let me take the day off work to spend it with him.  I guess it's down to the fact that he feel he isn't "worth" it?  Doesn't matter that I think he is, because if I insisted on doing it the way I want it, he would certainly blow up at me. 

I find that the less deal I make of special occasions, the better it will be.  Just treat it like a normal day.  (I, however, am the type who likes to find excuse to celebrate... .get some cake, do a little party... .but alas, this is not to be)

[Radcliff]

rosesarered, it's been a while.  How are you doing?

RC

[boogs152]

I’m the same as you chosen. It will be weird to ignore such important dates. Feels wrong... .sad.

[merkaba1]

I believe any major event can be a trigger.  At least this has been my experience with my pwBPD.  Anytime someone has a major event, she has a meltdown of some sort.  I have seen this many times and even those around her know this happens.  This is why everyone was so worried about her sister's wedding and how she would act.  She did very well for this event, but most others it has to be about her.    So, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, anything, I think can be a trigger to some degree at least.