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Author Topic: How can you pull back and not have the BPD feel abandoned  (Read 901 times)
jones54
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« on: November 08, 2018, 09:58:05 AM »

A year ago we stopped supporting our 33 yo BPD daughter. Hardest thing to do but she was using heroin and we had to stop helping her in hopes she would hit rock bottom and get sober. One thing I have always struggled with is that when you need to pull back it will make the BPD feel that you no longer care. They struggle with feelings of abandonment and when you stop supporting them financially they get upset and say you no longer love them. I have always wanted to try to explain that enabling them was the worst thing that we had done. Unfortunately they never would understand this, especially now that they are struggling financially. I have always wanted to improve my relationship with my daughter but I am not sure she will ever look in  the mirror and see she is in the position she is in because of all the mistakes she has made (mostly related to her addiction). She is sober now and has a job. She was taken in by an old friend because her mother and I will not allow her to live with us. She has said that she does not understand now that she is sober and working why we will not help her. The therapists always keep saying she has to make it on her own ( they say she is capable).
Just wondering how you can find a place where you do not enable them and not have them feel you do not care about them.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Only Human
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« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2018, 12:31:50 PM »

Hello jones54,

Good question here. I'm in a similar place with DD24. I've given her 30 days notice to leave, that date is 11/26/2018. She will take GS4 with her and I fear I'll be cut out completely.

I tell her I love her most days and I only hope that she hears me, believes me, but I don't think she does.

I'll miss them, mostly I'll miss my GS, but I won't miss the chaos DD brings to my life.

Anyway, I don't have an answer, just wanted to say I have the same question.

~ OH
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2018, 05:19:53 PM »

Hi Jones54,

I wish I had a good answer. For me, I've decided to set the boundary and hope that she gets treatment for BPD and we are able to have a healthy relationship one day. I'm also not willing to  have a relationship with her on only her terms anymore but since she is unable to respect my feelings (or that I even have feelings) it just doesn't feel possible. I think expecting them to not feel abandoned is expecting them to be capable of healthy emotions. Unless my daughter gets proper treatment I don't think that's possible.

I also think that if they are allowed to fail or hopefully succeed on their own, the increase in confidence may allow them to have a healthier relationship with us. My daughter felt constant shame about taking help from us despite constantly demanding it. She didn't feel like she was capable of doing it on her own so she projected those feelings of inadequacy on us. Do you think your daughter wants to bailed out constantly? Most likely the answer is actually no, big picture.

I'm interested to hear your thoughts
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Only Human
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« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2018, 10:00:09 PM »

Hi Hyacinth Bucket,

I really like your perspective on this. It makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing it.

~ OH
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Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2018, 11:18:31 PM »

Hi OH, thank you! That means a lot to me.
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jones54
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« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2018, 11:06:10 AM »

Thanks for the replies Hyacinth and OH. I agree with you that it is not uncommon that they will have low self esteem. I cannot believe she likes getting bailed out all the time but do feel she enjoys drama and chaos. Seems that is how she has always lived  ( including how unkempt her living spaces were). At this time her mother and I have not had much communication with her. I guess neither one of us have reached out to the other. I agree that if they cannot treat you respectfully then you should have no reason to have a relationship with them. My therapist said simply to wait for her to reach out to you. That's fine but I am always feeling that she will interpret this as we do not care about her. Since the old friend (he is my age) took her in, I am sure she is saying he cares about her but we do not since we have pulled back. So hard when you are trying to get her to be self sufficient but are not comfortable have her come under your roof. OH, I get it. You have put up a boundary to have your daughter leave but this is hard to do (emotionally,  and physically getting them to leave).
Hyacinth, I think you are right in that when they are able to take responsibility for themselves they will have better relationships with others (a therapist said this to me once).
She has always felt abandoned at the holidays and not having any communication with her at this time bothers me that when these holidays come, she will again use this against me that I did not care. Feeling that I am stuck between a "rock and a hard place". Thanks for you input.
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jones54
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« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2018, 09:33:01 AM »

Well, it looks like my BPD daughter will no longer be able to stay with her friend. He informed us that friends and family do not like the idea my daughter is staying there. She has no other place to go. He is asking if we would be willing to assist her to get an apartment. Problem is that we had a boundary against this and also feel with all she has done (getting kicked out of two halfway houses, going to Florida and eventually staying in a homeless shelter) she is not stable enough to live on her own. She will refuse to go to another halfway house. She just cannot move forward. There is a 6 month recovery program at the Salvation Army that her mother and I feel would help her but I suspect she will refuse. Only other option will be a homeless shelter which I am sure she does not want to go back to. I know she will say "why won't you help me?". Very difficult now with the holidays and she is depressed and will feel excluded (even though we would be happy to see her). I feel we are again stuck because she is so resistant to get back into a formal program of recovery (she would get therapy also there). I know he will not just kick her out on the streets.  Ever since she finished the 3 months rehab in the Spring, she has made little progress due to her BPD and inability to get along with other people (halfway house and work). So difficult since she did so well in rehab which is a controlled setting with therapy and cannot see this 6 month program would be her best option for her to move ahead.
Not sure how you can get her to see this and want to give it a try. I know when we keep our boundary by not helping she will turn against us and be angrier than she already is. Hard to sit here thinking she feels like no one wants her  anymore. I wish she understood we simply want her to just start moving forward. Any ideas how to help her understand the 6 month recovery program would be best for her would be appreciated.
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medianeh

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« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2018, 11:17:24 AM »

I think that's what I'm struggling with the most... .

Feeling like my daughter feels like we don't care (which we do, and probably more than we should), and that we are her enemies, when really all we want is what's best for her.  So frustrating.

I'm to the point now where until she hits rock bottom, only then will she gets the help she needs.

I don't think you can make her do anything she doesn't want to do, even if it's best for her.  They have to figure that out for themselves.
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jones54
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« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2018, 10:00:20 AM »

Thanks Medianeh. I feel you are absolutely correct in that you cannot make them do anything they do not want to do. We have been waiting for our daughter to hit "rock bottom" as well. Problem is that not sure what exactly that is for her (or your daughter). Keep thinking she has hit it but she has a hard time moving ahead (she is sober though). We worry that she may never "get it". Having pulled back now for a little over a year and we still seem to be waiting for her to be able to do the right thing so she can progress forward to take care of herself. I think that is what is so hard, pulling back and waiting while they feel we are the problem so they play the victim.
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medianeh

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« Reply #9 on: November 21, 2018, 05:01:53 PM »

We had a big blowout last week (because I found out she was doing meth, and is now hanging out with a 52 year old man, who I assume is a meth dealer.  She is 26).  She does live on her own, pays her own rent, but is on my phone plan, and relies on me for most everything.  I found this out by looking at phone records (which are on my account, that I pay for, and she pays not one penny).  I googled one of the numbers that she was non-stop texting, and found out that it was this meth head.  Was it wrong of me to look this up?  Perhaps, but I still consider it my phone, it's my account), and I can tell when shes up to no good because then I don't hear from her.  That's exactly what happened.  I hardly heard from her during this latest drug binge, but when I called her out on the meth and the company she's been keeping, she accused me of spying on her, and it was non-stop verbal abuse from her for 3 days.  She blamed me for for violating her privacy (which I suppose is in hindsight is what I did), but since she is on a court program until march to get dwi #2 reduced down from a felony- (thanks to my enabling and helping with court), she is on probation and not allowed to test positive for any drugs.  She already did that in April (tested positive for cocaine, and spent a week in jail).  I realize that I probably shouldn't have told her what I did by googling the number.  She's been raging since she found out.  I've been told to f*** off, I am a liar, that I don't love her, that I'm pushing her away (when it reality it is her pushing herself away), and what kind of mother am I.  Also, she said, and I quote - "Now everyone can get a taste of this rage that's laid dormant".  She also said "If you knew anything about me or my condition you'd know not to add fuel to the fire.  Too late now, I'm taking everything down with me."

I've recently decided that I really have had enough and whatever happens, happens.  She wants to be treated like an adult, she's going to have to start acting like one.

I refuse to be emotionally abused, used, and made to feel like a terrible mother.  Her illness is not going to rule my life.  I can't let it.

I have reached out to her and told her that I am stepping back, putting my emotions in check, working on myself, and getting myself healthy.  I also told her that I will be there for her if she decides to get help for BPD and addiction. 

She's in a very, very dark place right now (lost my mother recently and she was super close with her), so all this is no doubt her way of dealing with her emotions that she can't control.  I get that, but at the same time, I can't help her until she decides to get help for herself.

Ugh.

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jones54
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« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2018, 07:05:43 PM »

So sorry about the recent events for you Medianeh. I have lived this in the past with the drug abuse and verbal abuse. It never is easy and I completely understand. I would not beat yourself up on looking at the phone records. I have done that many times. If she doesn’t like it then have her pay for her own phone. Also, I am sure you are a great mother. The verbal abuse they give out can at times make you question yourself. I was verbally abused for one full year straight (almost everyday). Yes, you do not deserve this and if it was any other individual you would exclude them for life. For some reason our kids get a pass. Not sure why but none of us deserve any of this abuse. Remember, they will always project instead of looking in the mirror and having to see that they are the problem and not us ( self appraisal would hurt too much for them so easier to use another target... .us).
I agree, there has to be a limit. I beat myself up every day wanting to build a relationship with my 33yo DD. Unfortunately, she wants nothing to do with me. She is getting all her needs met by her 63 yo male friend. Therefore her mother( who she has cut out) and I are only there for all the money we gave to support her. Yes, I am sure she loves us (your daughter loves you) but it becomes clear what her priorities are with her parents. I could count on one hand the number of times she called just to say hi.
I am grateful she is sober but that is only half of her problem. If our daughters do not get the BPD under control as well it will be hard to believe they will ever get a handle on life. I guess they just need to want to be sober and mentally better than we want it for them. If they don’t, then they can have their lives and we will just have to have our own.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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