Giving ourselves pause

[JNChell]

I had a good session with my T this evening. I’m going through a very difficult time with S3’s mom. The lesson was about taking a pause before responding/reacting.

Many of us grew up in hostile environments. Many of us are basically trained to react.

Pausing with a feeling, identifying it, setting it aside to see it for what it is and processing it before reacting to that feeling.

It seems so simple. For me, not so much. How do you give yourself “pause”? Inquiring minds want to know. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell,

I've been thinking on this very same topic for the past few weeks after my own T session. I keep asking myself why I 'have to' fill the empty spaces around me. When someone talks to me, why do I automatically respond? Am I not so comfortable when attacks come?

No, the truth is that I am not. My T pointed out that it can help me to be aware as to whether or not DH is making a statement or asking a question of me (DH is the one I am currently struggling with the most). If he is making a statement, whether I agree with it or not, there is no need to respond, and I can be quiet. If there is a question, then I can take time to pause as you mentioned, and think about how to respond.

We have indeed been so well trained that it is hard, very hard, to sit with ourselves and feel comfortable in these situations. When there are attacks verbally, my tendency is to fight back in defensiveness or to flee and run away. Slowly but surely I am learning to sit, just a little more and wait to respond.

Last night DH made a defining statement about me, and I felt instantly triggered to deny and defend because it wasn't true at all. But I didn't JADE. I pointed out that my observation is that he was making a presumption about me. He responded strongly that he was NOT doing that, as if he were saying it was absolutely true, and he repeated his thoughts about me. I stopped and looked him in the eye, and just for a few seconds said nothing. Then I said, "This is what you believe, and you are allowed to believe whatever you chose to believe." Then I walked away. I saw the defining for what it was, and I saw the fruitlessness of responding with anything that would be defensive on my part.

 
Wools

[once removed]

when i was going through the breakup with my ex, i felt the strong urge to reach out. people talked me down. told me to wait, to sleep on it. that i could do so any time i wanted, but that now wasnt the best time.

the point is that these strong urges to act or react are often self sabotaging, and in any event, theyre about a need for instant gratification. if you learn to delay gratification, the urge loses its hold over time. its replaced by self control and discipline.

ever get a craving for ice cream, but want to fight the urge? dont tell yourself "no, i wont do it". telling yourself no has a depressing effect on your body that can make the urge stronger. if you do it, youll have feelings of disappointment in yourself. tell yourself "wait" or "ill do it later". your body will believe you. in the meantime, the urge will usually dissipate, and "later" will come and go.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Wools. Glad to speak with you again.

Am I not so comfortable when attacks come?

The truth is, is that I’m not either. I’m reactive, but working on it in therapy. I wonder lately if reacting, defending and never backing down, so to speak, were traits that somehow saved us from crossing over way back then. Somehow, we didn’t allow ourselves to give in, give up and conform to a frame of reference that would have ruined our lives. Unfortunately, we are processing and dealing with it all as adults now, but I see a silver lining. Even though we ended up here, we are seeking an end to the cycle that we came from. Man, is it complex and lengthy. Overwhelming much of the time.

We have indeed been so well trained that it is hard, very hard, to sit with ourselves and feel comfortable in these situations.

I have a lot of anger towards this part of the dynamic. I blame my dead parents a lot. There is no way that I can’t right now. I’ve learned too much to feel the shame that they shoveled on me. Now, I’m just angry at them and I have been for quite some time. I was conditioned to end up having a child with a highly narcissistic borderline. I was given an example to stay and to allow her to come back whenever she wanted.

I, like you, am seeing small ways to take pause. It’s gradual, I suppose. During our discussion, she was reading from Tara Brach’s “Radical Acceptance”. The book is on my shelf, I just haven’t started reading it yet. We both agreed that it’s time-appropriate for me. Have you read it?

"This is what you believe, and you are allowed to believe whatever you chose to believe."

Wools, good for you!   Did he pursue the conflict after you stated your case?

I saw the fruitlessness of responding with anything that would be defensive on my part.

It’s what they thrive on. Our reactions. It hurts. I hope you’re well, Wools.

[JNChell]

once removed, thanks for chiming in.

the point is that these strong urges to act or react are often self sabotaging, and in any event, theyre about a need for instant gratification.

I have to agree. Craving closure is seeking gratification, but I think that it’s important to identify where the root of that potential closure can be dug up. I also agree with you that these reactions and urges can be self-sabotaging. It becomes easy to place blame instead of self reflecting. In some instances, the crap just gets buried only to emerge later.

I love ice cream! Butter Pecan or Coffee flavors are my favorites. I don’t drink coffee.

OR, The PSI  board is full of reactive folks. This is how we were raised, and this is why we’re here.

later will come and go

Yes. I do this.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell, 

Even though we ended up here, we are seeking an end to the cycle that we came from. Man, is it complex and lengthy. Overwhelming much of the time.

You are exactly right! It is hard, but for you to actually see it, that is huge. I know you probably don't, often because the load is so heavy, and we slog on through the muck and mire, but it is good! You are making progess for which I celebrate.   There were times that I would take pause to reflect on my journey, and it seemed as if this was a black hole, but it truly isn't. You are getting stronger with each thing you tackle. Pretty soon you'll look back and be amazed at how far you have already healed.

I admire your ability to feel the anger. Granted there is something behind the anger which you will figure out, but I struggle to allow myself to be angry. If the anger comes, it's usually self directed and that's so destructive to me and my inner little ones. I saw so much anger and what it does to people that instinctually I am afraid of anger. The tapes still play in my head of the angry voices of my parents and the physical violence I witnessed and could not hide from. My T has been working with me to help me see anger as being any other feeling and allowing it is important.

Did he pursue the conflict after you stated your case? 

No, he didn't say another word. I was troubled that he thinks so negatively of me, but in my heart I know what he said is not the truth of who I am. I prayed and was thankful that God sees my heart and knows who I am.

Thank you, JNChell. I am trying very hard to be well, and hope you are too. Hugs for you. 

Wools