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Author Topic: Struggling with parents  (Read 419 times)
tigereyes2018

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: November 08, 2018, 11:18:09 PM »

Hello BPD support world!

I have a very long and very complicated story as I'm sure most of you do too.  Mine is most definitely too much for a first post, so I'll start with the basics.  Lately I have been struggling with many different things related to BPD.

My mother was officially diagnosed with BPD after I moved out, but was definitely having difficulties with it my entire life.  She was abusive during her rages and my father worked a lot just to support us.  She's been on and off medications for years and she is currently off.  She has been through DBT therapy several times with limited success.  She is a very difficult person to live with and interact with regularly.

My parents have a terrible marriage and I know way too much about it because I've become my father's confidaunt.  Our relationship has always been close, but lately is also strained for many reasons.
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Woolspinner2000
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2018, 11:39:48 AM »

Welcome Tigereyes2018Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

So very glad you have joined us. This is a wonderful community where you will find support and understanding of having a pwBPD in your life. My mom was an uBPD, and like what you briefly described, it has been a long journey from our childhood until now and gaining understanding as to what is going on.

Sounds like you have stress not only with your mom, but also with your dad. Do you feel he has used you as an emotional substitute for what he did not have with his wife (your mom)? I was that for my mom, who told me too many things about how bad my dad was, in addition to witnessing all of the fights.

Have you read any helpful books? Do you have a therapist (T)?

Wools
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Harri
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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2018, 08:15:34 PM »

Hi tigereyes.  I am glad you posted and hope you share more of your story. 

What do you struggle most with regarding your mother?
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
tigereyes2018

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2018, 12:40:24 AM »

I'm currently listening to "Walking on Eggshells" while I commute to work.  I first read it right before we had a family intervention to get my mom to the therapist and on meds about 10 years ago.  At that time, my mother was raging so much that my father moved out and I moved my sister who has a cognitive disability out to live with me. We kept in contact with her, but my father needed a break and I wouldn't risk leaving my sister alone with her.  She never took out her rage on my sister, but I feared what would happen if she had no one else to take her rage out on... .

After two months of encouragement and standing strong, she went to a specialist and was finally diagnosed with BPD.  She started meds, DBT, and cut her own mother out of her life.  As difficult as my mother was, my grandmother is 50 times worse.  I am terrified that it is inevitable that I will become like them.  My sister also has had symptoms, but she seems to be doing better lately. 

My mother was temporarily better, but it as short lived... .She's talking to her mom again, which causes her a lot of depression and rage.  She's been on and off meds, tried DBT 3 times, and seen many therapists.  Her behavior has ebbed and flowed... .Currently she is raging multiple times a week.  She even rage texted me at work, which she later apologized for.  That was the first apology I have ever received for a raging episode, including times she's had to take me to the hospital for broken fingers or a concussion as a result of abuse during her rages. The difference is that everything was in print and she couldn't deny how extreme she became and couldn't blow it off because I'm "clumsy." 

My father had a stroke 2 years ago.  He wasn't mentally impacted, but he was physically.  He struggled to walk, talk, and feed himself.  He's improved a lot but emotionally he is struggling.  He is able to walk using a walker now, but he can't drive because his reaction time is very slow and he has no stamina.  He's a proud man who is broken by this. 

I took over managing his businesses financials after his stoke, supposedly temporary.  It's looking to be long term now, but I have my own full time job that I love and do not want to give up.  Also I feel like if I quit my job, it would give him even more of an excuse to stay home. The business financially sustains my parents. My mother hasn't had a job in many years, and there is no way she could keep one.  She spends money like its water running through her fingers.  We could sell the business, but there's no way they could live without the consistent income from the business. 

My mother has been horrible to me and even worse to him about their financials, which are fine. She is just terrified of being broke and its a deeply imbedded part of her raging script. I've worried for his physical safety and know his mental issues are getting worse.  If I pushed for him to move into assisted living, he'd be shattered instead of just broken.  He tells me he is fine and can handle her. 

In managing the financials, I've learned some things I wish I could unlearn. The final straw and thing I'm completely lost on is the fact that my father was having an affair for 8 years.  I discovered it right after his stroke in his business emails.  I am a person that was raise by my father to have strong feminist values.  He has daughters and taught us to respect ourselves. It's destroyed my relationship with him, who was the only person in my family I thought I had a semi-normal relationship with.  If he wasn't physically impaired, I would have told my mother in a heartbeat.  I think it is ridiculously unfair for him to cheat on her. They have a terrible marriage. In fact, I tried for years to get him to leave her for his own mental health.  Dispite everything my mother has done, no person deserves that level of betrayal. 

I feel that every person deserves to know the truth, but I've had dreams that my mom finds out and kills my father in a rage.  She gets violent.  He swears she hasn't hurt him since the stroke, but he's also too proud to admit it if she did. Its not like he can leave when she gets violent. I have very vivid memories of my father restaing my mother while she screamed like an animal to prevent her from continuing to hurt herself and him.

Only 2 people in the world know my whole truth, but they can never understand the depth of the pain I feel. They did not grow up the child of a person with BPD. They can't know what its like to have their one time hero, change instantly to a person I have no respect for while at the same time he rots away stuck in a house with an unmedicated person with BPD.

I'm just incredibly stuck. I know my options, but there is not one that will actually improve a situation without destroying another part of it. I just want to erase parts of my memory. 

Thank you for a forum to get everything out.  I feel eaten alive, regurgitated, and eaten again... .
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Harri
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« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2018, 11:07:57 AM »

Excerpt
Thank you for a forum to get everything out.  I feel eaten alive, regurgitated, and eaten again... .
That sounds very uncomfortable!  Do you get relief from posting?

Excerpt
I am terrified that it is inevitable that I will become like them.
It is not inevitable.  Awareness and then working on any behaviors you may have picked up will change the course.  We all pick up certain behaviors and traits.  It is important to not just recognize it, but see them for what they are and change them.

I am sorry for the pain you  are feeling about your father's affair.  My dad had an affair when I was a tween to teen y/o but I was not close to him like you are with your dad so there was no sense of betrayal but definitely  a feeling of contempt.  Looking back now I can see the betrayal and it definitely did color the way I saw him then and now. 

How long has it been since you discovered this?  Would you ever say anything to your father about it?

 
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
tigereyes2018

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2018, 07:53:18 PM »

Everything is very uncomfortable! 

Harri- your dad had an affair too? Did your mom find out? If you don't mind me asking, which one has BPD?

Yes, I did confront my dad about it. It's been almost 2 years since I found out. I confronted him in his hospital room. He tried to lie, but finally admitted the truth. I've told him how much I hate the position he put me in.

My 2 support people don't understand why I haven't told her. If I tell her, she'd either rage at me or at him. Honestly if she raged at him, she's probably kill him (no exaggeration). I've had nightmares about this situation and that's always how it ends... .I feel like she should know, but I just can't be the one to tell her and then feeling responsible for a rage episode I could have avoided. I know I'm not responsible, but I can't make those feelings go away.

I told him if I find out he continued the affair, I would be done. I also would not lie about anything I'm asked about and everything has a way of coming out. He says he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her by telling her... .

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Harri
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« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2018, 08:41:35 PM »

Yeah, she found out.  My mother is the one with BPD/BPD traits and suspected but untreated schizophrenia.

I was 11 or 12 and my mother found out when she check the check book my dad kept as executor for my grandfather who was in a nursing home (dementia).  According to my mother he 'stole' around 10k from his father.  He denied it for years saying he used it for expenses but I don't know if that was true or not.  he never denied the money part of it but it did not matter my mother was convinced.  Prior to my mom discovering this their marriage was pretty bad to begin with so it was not ... .I don't know the words to use here... .not a big deal?  Though it made life hell for everyone.  My mom gathered my brother and I in the living room while we all had an open discussion about my father, the fact that he was a thief, and that if we ever told anyone he would go to jail and we would be on the streets. 

Seriopusly, it is only these last few months that I have been getting clarity on this and remember stuff.  Before it was all hazy.  I dissociated when I was younger and I remember walking around observing myself from outside my body for several days after.  Thanks Mom and Dad!    <--- sarcasm. 

Excerpt
I've told him how much I hate the position he put me in.
Good.  It is an uncomfortable position to be in.

Excerpt
I told him if I find out he continued the affair, I would be done. I also would not lie about anything I'm asked about and everything has a way of coming out. He says he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her by telling her...
I agree that lying would not be good for you.  I don't want to say the wrong thing here and I mean no harm but I do want to ask if you think your mom really is not aware?  I ask because a lot of people are aware and choose to ignore it.  I also think staying out of your parents relationship, to the extent you can given what you now know, is the best course of action.  Again, I mean no harm and I can tell how you are struggling with this knowledge.  I can feel the fear and anxiety bubbling up when I think of the situation with my parents and having to keep things buried and a secret... .what a burden that was.  Too much no matter what age we are at.

From my reading here, on the relationship boards I have come to understand that some non's will have an affair.  And I can understand some of the reasons why they do though I do not agree with their actions.  It took a very long time though.  I think it is easier for me because both of my parents are dead and so the burden of the secret (from people outside the family that was terrorized into me) is gone.  Though that burden hung with me for a very long time even after they died. 

Talk with us here.  We get it. 
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2018, 04:44:41 AM »

I'm sure it was a shock to learn about your father's affair.  You've been a great person to help out.

My father had a long and difficult marriage to my BPD mom. He chose to stay with her. I don't think he ever cheated and I don't have any evidence to suspect he did. However, I did go through the process of seeing him more as a human with strengths and weaknesses than my parents as "good parent (Dad ) "bad parent" ( Mom ). Dealing with my own co-dependency issues, I recognized that he struggled with co-dependency too. Our parents teach us their moral view of the world, and it is a shock to see them as less than ideal, but they are humans.

At one point before he died, he gave me his e mail password to check messages for him. He could no longer do this on his own.  He corresponded professionally with both men and women and there was nothing inappropriate. Yet, I recognized that he had an online friendship with some of them and it must have been a happy spot in his life as his marriage was difficult. I was genuinely happy to see that he enjoyed his correspondence with colleagues.

I did wonder what I might feel if I did find something not appropriate, but after recognizing the kind of emotional suffering he endured in his marriage, I would have understood why, if  he did find comfort with someone else.

I don't think it is right to cheat in a marriage and don't condone it,  but I hope you can find a way to forgive him. My father was not a perfect human being- nobody is,  but emotionally he was my parent and he was a great father overall. My BPD mother is still alive, but our relationship is not close. She isn't nurturing. We all need that. I don't condone that your father found that in the arms of another woman, but he may have seized his only opportunity to feel that. Leaving a BPD marriage is also a difficult process- legally and emotionally. He may feel more obligated to your mother than you realize or fear she'd not be able to handle a divorce mentally or emotionally.

I don't think your father is doing the right thing morally by having an affair, however, I would encourage you to not give up your relationship with him if he's been an overall good parent to you.



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