Wants me to "move home"/Everything is about soemone else

[todayistheday]

I've not been on here lately because I'm dealing with a different issue.  The issue is that in the last 2 months, my husband is losing a significant part of his vision.  We are unsure if it's reversable.  He is being treated by one of the best specialists in  the field. 

He had to stop driving in September and he has almost stopped working... .lots going on.  I have to drive him around, take him to out of town specialist, etc. Of course, I'd take him across the world if it would help. 

Since Mom cannot find a way to make it all about her, she's making it all about me.  How stressed I am, etc.  Yes, a lot of that is true, but it's not the thing in the front of my mind.

Now she says that I need to retire and "move home" so that I can have my family to help and take care of me when those times arise that I need a driver.  I am 57 years old and I have been in the same wonderful job for 22 years.  As far as I am concerned, I am "home".  My family lived in this city when until I was 14.  I came back at age 18 to go to college and have not left since then.  I have been married for 32 years next week and have been in the same house for 30 years.  Mom and sister live next 2 hours away, next door to each other.  Sister has 3 young adult sons. 2 are in college and one will likely never leave home due to severe Aspergers.  I go there for Christmas and other things, but it is certainly not home. 

Mom thinks she raised my sister's sons.  She did do some babysitting and driving them when they were kids.  She complains that she hardly sees them now. 

If I were to move there (which I won't), she would have another burden to brag about for taking care of her daughter and her blind son-in-law.

Yes, I'm somewhat stressed.  This is a new thing for husband and I.  If it's not reversed, we will learn how to work with our "new normal".  Which will not include being micromanaged and bossed around by my Mother.  We like our home.  We are in a city with public transportation, which my husband is taking advantage of, and a lot of services which he may be able to use.  Where she lives that would not be. 

In my being careful to not make this about me, I had wondered how Mom would make this about her.  We will get through this.  And it will be less difficult if we keep her out of the equation.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi todayistheday, 

Glad you popped back in to share and get some support. I am so sorry for what is going on with your husband! There is a new norm that you will both find, but I'm sure right now you are still reeling from all the changes and news and uncertainty.  Take time to recover and adjust, and this is exactly what I picked up from your post that you are doing.

I think it can help to have support in knowing that you are heading in the right direction. Of course you will figure that out as you go, but I definitely hear you making you and your husband the priority here, not your mom. If I were in your shoes, I would fear the 'strings attached' part of moving home. She would be the rescuer and helper but coming along with that is obligation and FOG most likely. Do you think so as well?

Are you able to explore the services that might be available for you and your husband to access in the city where you live? As that unfolds, do you think you will feel more comfortable in saying, "We've got this mom. Thank you so much for your offer to help."

Hang in there!
 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi.  It is good to see you back but I am sorry for your troubles.  What a big change for both you and your husband to deal with.  I am glad you are focusing on the two of you and keeping your mom out of the picture. 

In my being careful to not make this about me, I had wondered how Mom would make this about her.

I think this is good to an extent, but this *is* your life too and has to be scary.  It is grea that you have such a positive attitude.  Just make sure you take care of you too.  Both of your lives are changing.  It sounds like you are working together well though. 

Please keep us posted.   

[todayistheday]

Hi.  It is good to see you back but I am sorry for your troubles.  What a big change for both you and your husband to deal with.  I am glad you are focusing on the two of you and keeping your mom out of the picture. 
 I think this is good to an extent, but this *is* your life too and has to be scary.  It is grea that you have such a positive attitude.  Just make sure you take care of you too.  Both of your lives are changing.  It sounds like you are working together well though. 

Please keep us posted.   

I think that after seeing how my Mom makes everything about her, I over compensate in the other direction.  Still, for the immediate future, I need to concentrate on helping him figure his way through this.  A pity-party for myself would not be productive.  When  we have more answers, we will find a way to work out what is best for us as a couple.  That will not include interference from my mother.

For example, when my Dad was having back troubles to the point of having temporary paralysis before emergency surgery, all she did was complain about him. She even screamed  at him about his condition.  I had to go to their house to stand up for him.  Yes, I know that was triangulation, but it was an emergency situation and she did lighten up on him when I was present.  I believe that I stayed there for about a week.  I am most certainly NOT going to act that way in this situation. 

More importantly, and the reason that I posted about this here is that I'm not going to allow my Mom to insert herself into this situation and make it about herself. She's not going to martyr herself by saying "poor me, I have to help my poor overworked daughter take care of her blind husband... ."  (and no, he's not blind, he's severely impaired;  and he can do most of what he wants to do. That is what she would say. )

[Turkish]

Your home is your home and it sounds like you know where that is.  You and your husband are also Primary Family. It sounds like you know that as well.  You're a good wife and person, a peach. Keep being you  

[Star0009]

Hi
I'm so sorry you are going through this but I have faith you and your husband will be able to adjust. I know my BPD Mom loves when I'm in crisis to push my buttons even more and she is always quick to say I should leave my whole life and come live with her. It sounds like your Mom is just pulling on you in the wrong way and I know how this can be an extra burden. You seem to know where your home is and know what you want. Maybe put some distance between you and your Mom while you get stuff strait. I'm moving and its extra stress on me and my Mom is trying to upset me more so I've decided to ignore her, maybe an emoji smile text or heart which keeps her content until my life is settled again. I def. cannot talk on the phone with her bc she loves to go right in and start pushing all my buttons and when I say I have to go she won't let me hang up the phone so eventually I have to hang up on her and then I get a bunch of bad texts from her and repeated calls. So yeah hang in there!