a new relationship

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi Guys,

So nice to check in here and find so many of you still here helping others, and I'm glad to see so many of you doing well.

I finally got almost all of the ex's stuff shipped off to her family's home across the country, where she seems to be staying indefinitely. I just have one more cabinet full of her books to deal with. Of course, she was a bit difficult-kept changing her mind about what she did and did not need, and trying to bait me into conversations by saying thing's like "I might be going to jail." But all in all, our communications were respectful and kind.

In other news, I recently started seeing a wonderful woman, met through a mutual friend. I'm glad to say she is nothing like exBPD (or the NPD I was involved with years ago.) No feral, ephemeral, gorgeous creature running hot and cold, this one. She's down-to-earth, professional, easygoing and sure of herself. She has a good job, is an LGBTQ rights activist, volunteers to help children, has her own apartment.There's nothing hollow or shallow about her. She doesn't come and go, she's solid, pragmatic, so far, we have ZERO drama. Imagine that! I don't have to have to do anything to help her in life, I don't have to bend over backwards to make her happy, I don't have to be in tears for her to "see" me. I just gotta spend time with her and be myself.

And here's the important part: Before the gfBPD, I would probably not have noticed this woman, who is overweight and dresses like a boy, not my "type" at all. Before gfBPD, I might not have been so drawn to this woman's calm, confident smile, and the way she moves through the world without feeling the need to draw attention to herself. The more time I spend with her, the more absolutely beautiful I find her frank eyes, her easy smile.

I still think about exgfBPD a lot. Her voice comes to me at odd moments, or a flash of remembrance of her touch. I really did love her, and I wish her the best. Being with her was so hard, but I don't regret that relationship one single bit, she opened up my heart so wide I owe her gratitude if anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you all know I miss having an excuse to talk to you wonderful people.   

[Lady Itone]

Hi Guys,

So nice to check in here and find so many of you still here helping others, and I'm glad to see so many of you doing well.

I finally got almost all of the ex's stuff shipped off to her family's home across the country, where she seems to be staying indefinitely. I just have one more cabinet full of her books to deal with. Of course, she was a bit difficult-kept changing her mind about what she did and did not need, and trying to bait me into conversations by saying thing's like "I might be going to jail." But all in all, our communications were respectful and kind.

In other news, I recently started seeing a wonderful woman, met through a mutual friend. I'm glad to say she is nothing like exBPD (or the NPD I was involved with years ago.) No feral, ephemeral, gorgeous creature running hot and cold, this one. She's down-to-earth, professional, easygoing and sure of herself. She has a good job, is an LGBTQ rights activist, volunteers to help children, has her own apartment.There's nothing hollow or shallow about her. She doesn't come and go, she's solid, pragmatic, so far, we have ZERO drama. Imagine that! I don't have to have to do anything to help her in life, I don't have to bend over backwards to make her happy, I don't have to be in tears for her to "see" me. I just gotta spend time with her and be myself.

And here's the important part: Before the gfBPD, I would probably not have noticed this woman, who is overweight and dresses like a boy, not my "type" at all. Before gfBPD, I might not have been so drawn to this woman's calm, confident smile, and the way she moves through the world without feeling the need to draw attention to herself. The more time I spend with her, the more absolutely beautiful I find her frank eyes, her easy smile.

I still think about exgfBPD a lot. Her voice comes to me at odd moments, or a flash of remembrance of her touch. I really did love her, and I wish her the best. Being with her was so hard, but I don't regret that relationship one single bit, she opened up my heart so wide I owe her gratitude if anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you all know I miss having an excuse to talk to you wonderful people.   

[Skip]

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you all know I miss having an excuse to talk to you wonderful people.   

Why do you need an excuse? The holidays are coming. We could use mentors.

[gotbushels]

Lady Itone   
Thanks for sharing. Me too--I've been out of the relationship with the UexpwBPDGF for about 4 years now and still come here to share and swap information. I hope things continue to go well for you.   

[BasementDweller]

I second what Skip says! No excuse needed to stop by and mingle! :-)

Congrats on meeting this new lady and having a pleasant, drama free relationship. Your post really resonated with me because I'm in a similar situation. My ex was a bombshell, and I don't just mean it in the typical sense like people think it to mean - a good looking person. I mean that him entering a room (and my life) was like a bomb going off in so many ways. He had a huge commanding presence and there was nothing subtle about him. He knew how to draw attention to himself and he never failed to do so, good or bad. He was physically large and moved with sweeping motions and strong body language. He was unavoidable. The proverbial "bull in a china shop".

The guy I have been seeing is cerebral, quiet, introspective, subtle and completely emotionally level. He's thin and has a smaller frame than my ex, and can pass through a room in a very calm way and just "blend in". I actually could not be happier to be with a rational man who isn't a bulldozer.

Lady, I'm really happy to hear this! You have been so helpful to so many here, and you were so patient with your ex despite all of her drama. You deserve to be happy, and to be appreciated. Like you, I think about my ex all the time and I still miss him and the passion we shared in our good times. No sane man can provide that like he could, but the bad times came with it - and MAN they were bad.

I had to go NC with him because his escalations and push/pull were just getting too exhausting.

Best of luck to you, and enjoy the nice companionship without the crazy-making. This new lady sounds really nice, and like there is a real foundation there for a rewarding experience. 

[Sirnut]

I don't regret that relationship one single bit, she opened up my heart so wide I owe her gratitude ...  

Same here, thanks for posting.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Lady Itone,

So happy for you and good to hear from you.  It must be a relief that she doesn't need you in the desparate way your ex did.

I had dinner last night with a friend who I used to work with but hadn't seen in person in a long time.  She asked me about my marriage, "What happened?" She and her husband and my husband and I had been couple friends.  I summed it up by describing the relationship as just so intense, the intensity demanded my full attention just about 24/7.  I got to the absolute burn out point.  I think this could describe many of our rs with our exs.

Thanks for sharing, don't be a stranger.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[once removed]

so, whats going on in the new relationship?

[Lady Itone]

so, whats going on in the new relationship?

I haven't seen my lover for a few days, because she volunteered to help out with a film festival every night after work plus was busy organizing a toy drive, so sweet and kind! But she texts me every day to check in on me, or to let me know she's thinking of me and can't wait to see me this weekend. I'm trying to "take it slow" like one is supposed to, but honestly I just want to be with her all the time, and she feels the same. But she's also respectful when I've told her I want to be alone--good because I'm a hardcore introvert.

She's met all my close friends, and they all approve heartily. She fits in great with my tribe. Her friend group is smaller than mine, but so far I like her people too.

I do worry that we're riding high on our "chemistry," and I worry that once she gets to really, really know me she won't like me so much (I know, I know, ridiculous.) So far she is always direct, no games, no come-here-go-away. She tells me what she wants and doesn't want, and I get the feeling she would never tolerate any disrespect. 

I've been thinking a lot about how I kind of become a dark mirror in relationships. I'm usually the first to burst into tears when something feels wrong, I tend to take on the pain for both me and and my partner, especially if they're emotionally immature or unavailable. With this woman, I just feel safe and calm. She's not giving off anything negative, nothing seems hidden or tamped down. Maybe she's dealt with her own demons, so there's no hidden darkness for me to mirror. She seems so strong, without being invulnerable. 

Chatted a bit with exgfBPD about sending her books, she sounds lucid and peaceful, says her grandmother makes her pancakes every morning. I didn't tell her about my new relationship, but I'm glad she's stable and well fed.   

[once removed]

I do worry that we're riding high on our "chemistry," and I worry that once she gets to really, really know me she won't like me so much (I know, I know, ridiculous.)

not ridiculous. something i think we all, on some level (some more than others) feel, for a variety of reasons. have you felt this way before?

what are you worried she wont like?

[1stTimer]

I do worry that we're riding high on our "chemistry," and I worry that once she gets to really, really know me she won't like me so much (I know, I know, ridiculous.)

Not ridiculous, but also not untrue (but not in the bad way you mean).  If this turns into a real relationship at some point that high of "like you so much" may wane as she deals with the "real you" and sees some of your "perfect" qualities are just... .good ones  Yet that is when it starts to turn into love.  That is when you will really BE loved. You. And her. When you realize that it can take off the pressure to be Ideal. And just be you. Because that is who you want to be loved right?

With this woman, I just feel safe and calm.

A highly underrated to feel and make somoene else feel.  I know everyone, myself included, is chasing the passion. But personally when a woman tells me I make her feel safe/calm I'll take that over I make her hot any day of the week. Because that is real. A woman asked me recently why I like being with her and I told her I never felt so at peace. And SHE loved that. So hold on to that. Because even as you both reveal any of your imperfections you can always make sure you make each other feel safe and calm. Even during strife. One thing I learned from my parents. They fought like anyone else but not once did they try to hurt or harm or use the vulnerabilities of the other. So they could even fight safely.

She seems so strong, without being invulnerable. 

 
That sounds like a fabulous quality in a partner.  I like when it is combined with "vulnerable without being a pushover"  

Anyway by all accounts it sounds like you've chosen a potentially great partner after a bad experience with a pwBPD.  Don't underestimate what that says about your own mental and emotional character and strength. It was not an accident you chose or attracted her.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Wow!  What a great response, 1stTimer   I agree with all you said.  About looking for passion, the dictionary defines it as strong and almost uncontrollable emotion.  This is what I had with my ex and I am definitely not looking for that again.  Maybe having been through an intense and desperately passionate relationship teaches us that love doesn’t have to feel so raw.  Feeling safe and calm is much more attractive to me these days.

  Mustbe

[Insom]

I do worry that we're riding high on our "chemistry," and I worry that once she gets to really, really know me she won't like me so much (I know, I know, ridiculous.)

Thoughtful observation, Lady Itone.  I know how hard it can feel to allow vulnerability, especially if there are aspects of yourself you had to keep hidden to feel safe and approved of as a child.

Have you thought about what allowing someone to "really, really know you" looks like?  What characteristics do you like to lead with when you enter a new relationship?  What characteristics do you feel it takes people longer to see?

[Lady Itone]

Wow such great responses, making me think!

The thing I'm worried she won't like is that I'm an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person.) This was not honored in my FOO, nor in a lot of my early relationships. We all know it can be tiring being with someone who gets emotional easily, and though I've learned to try not to make it anyone else's problem to comfort me or calm me down, sometimes I struggle to self-soothe.

Of course, just as much chance it will be ME not liking HER as much once the chemistry winds down. I already dislike how she dresses and how she decorates (or rather, doesn't) her apartment. Not the end of the world that she has no style, but perhaps it means there's some lack of self-care there. I don't understand why her apartment looks like a boys' dorm room, doesn't she care about having "a home?" Does it portend that if I partnered with her and wanted a certain kind of home, I would have to fill the positions of caretaker, homemaker, and one-who-pays-attention-to-detail?

Of course, I don't have to figure all that out now. This is the easy, fun, exploratory part of the relationship, and I'd kind of like to linger here. Must resist the urge to UHAUL! (for anyone who doesn't know the joke: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A UHAUL.) 

[Fie]

Hello Lady Itone 

Not the end of the world that she has no style, but perhaps it means there's some lack of self-care there. I don't understand why her apartment looks like a boys' dorm room, doesn't she care about having "a home?" Does it portend that if I partnered with her and wanted a certain kind of home, I would have to fill the positions of caretaker, homemaker, and one-who-pays-attention-to-detail?

Like you I am seeing someone new. I wanted to chime in to point out something that may be similar for you as it is for me, I don't know.

I have realized that these first few months of being with my new partner, I have relentlessly looked for faults in him (completely without being conscious of that).
The more feelings I started to develop, the more I started to look for 'exit strategies'. It's like I was sabotaging my happiness, preparing for a break up. I have suspected him of being NPD on many occasions (I have been with a NPD some years back and I was afraid to make that same mistake). When I didn't suspect him of NPD, I always found something else to convince myself to run.
Does that sound like something that you could be doing ?

x

[Lady Itone]

Fie,

I would agree there may be an element of hyper-vigilance. But listen to this: I actually told her my feelings of worry that her apartment shows a lack of introspection and self-care. She was not at all upset or offended by me saying that, just kind of thought about it for a couple days, then yesterday, on her first day off in a week and a half, she cleared away the clutter, organized, rearranged the furniture to make more space, thew away a bunch of things she didn't need, got rid of her worn old couch which was too big for her space. She even went out and bought a house plant. 

"I listed to what you said, and that is NOT the person I want to show you," she said by way of explanation.

Amazing.

[1stTimer]

Fie,

I would agree there may be an element of hyper-vigilance. But listen to this: I actually told her my feelings of worry that her apartment shows a lack of introspection and self-care. She was not at all upset or offended by me saying that, just kind of thought about it for a couple days, then yesterday, on her first day off in a week and a half, she cleared away the clutter, organized, rearranged the furniture to make more space, thew away a bunch of things she didn't need, got rid of her worn old couch which was too big for her space. She even went out and bought a house plant. 

"I listed to what you said, and that is NOT the person I want to show you," she said by way of explanation.

Amazing.

Wow. Does she have a sister? ;)

I'll say again that I think you should give yourself some credit for getting yourself to a place where you were open and ready for a person like this and attracted that kind of person to you.

Nice way to start the day reading that post Lady Itone, thanks!

[once removed]

"I listed to what you said, and that is NOT the person I want to show you," she said by way of explanation.

theres a line between putting our best foot forward, being attractive to our mates, bettering ourselves etc, and compliance out of fear.

by the way, im not saying this was either one - it would be impossible to tell from that one account.

howd it come up?

[Fie]

I'm echoing Once removed on this one.

[1stTimer]

I'm echoing Once removed on this one.

Hmm I get both you and Once Removed but I have to say the way Lady describes it, it does not sounds like compliance-from-fear. It sounds like the woman took some time and space, thought it over and decided to make a reasonable compromise that showed how much she valued the relationship.  Also as someone whose apartment can become a mess when I get into my own stuff and there is no one, she might have realized the same thing; you know, she's right. I let this place go because it is just me, but now it could be a home too and this is not the home I want to share or have someone see. Not trying to be Polly Anna here, I just would hate to introduce doubts into what I think on balance is a really mature and promising response from someone who already appears to be reasonable and responsive.

[Lady Itone]

Hmm I get both you and Once Removed but I have to say the way Lady describes it, it does not sounds like compliance-from-fear. It sounds like the woman took some time and space, thought it over and decided to make a reasonable compromise that showed how much she valued the relationship.  Also as someone whose apartment can become a mess when I get into my own stuff and there is no one, she might have realized the same thing; you know, she's right. I let this place go because it is just me, but now it could be a home too and this is not the home I want to share or have someone see.

I took it as this. It really wasn't about ME. She realized she had some work to do and decided to do it. I don't see other signs of her being a "people pleaser" like that. For example, she still wears baseball hats though she knows I don't like 'em. And I'm glad, I want a strong, sure woman, not a total pushover. 

[once removed]

----sorry, cross posted with Lady Itone

"compliance out of fear" is one possibility out of many, in one instance with very little context. it would be a huge jump to reach as a final conclusion or an overall characterization of her as a partner in any way.

the point was more about two parties' (normal and natural) tendency to idealize partners in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. everything gets a positive spin. alternatively, completely benign things get a catastrophically negative spin (danger, danger,   RUN).

this stage of a relationship is the honeymoon. it is going to look better than the last relationship. it always does. but both parties are really just getting to know each other, feel each other out, etc. eventually, the power struggle will follow, and it will test both parties. some things that looked appealing may look less appealing, or worse, or vice versa.

[1stTimer]

----sorry, cross posted with Lady Itone

"compliance out of fear" is one possibility out of many, in one instance with very little context. it would be a huge jump to reach as a final conclusion or an overall characterization of her as a partner in any way.

the point was more about two parties' (normal and natural) tendency to idealize partners in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. everything gets a positive spin. alternatively, completely benign things get a catastrophically negative spin (danger, danger,   RUN).

this stage of a relationship is the honeymoon. it is going to look better than the last relationship. it always does. but both parties are really just getting to know each other, feel each other out, etc. eventually, the power struggle will follow, and it will test both parties. some things that looked appealing may look less appealing, or worse, or vice versa.

I get this and I'm guessing Lady itone gets this. And yeah you need to be careful of idealizing things and just sort of get that you are and know maybe one day the  "I love the way she always know what I'm going to say" becomes "Why can't she just let me finish a d*** sentence.

I personally think however it is important for all of us not to get so "smart" about the trajectory of relationships that we can't just notice a truly positive trait w/o warning ourselves about it.  Dating someone who, early on, listens to you, take a day or two to consider, and modified their behavior not only because it pleased you but makes sense to them/their life is to me a hugely positive GREEN flag. 

Recognizing idealization tendencies is good to be sure so we can embrace a "real" relationship later on. Yet we on this board all are on the lookout for Red Flags and can name them all. So why not recognize Green Flags when they pop-up as well without turning them over looking for Red? Not criticizing here honestly,  I just found it to be such a positive sign we see so little of on this board and thought Lady should be able to just run with it  No offense meant.  Maybe when the eventual 'power struggles' pop-up Lady itone can remember this incident and attenuate accordingly.