Desperate for guidance helping 19yo Daughter

[Talon]

Just learned 19 yo daughter implied/misled/or lied that she was being abused by her father.  She has a long history of self injury and at times in the past has made false allegations. At the time we learned of this newest situation, she was staying with a mature adult friend who cares about her and has been trying to help her become more independent.  The friend truly believes our daughter and is just trying to protect her.  I tried to explain that our daughter has a mental illness and that the only danger she faces in our home is from herself.  She was not even with us when these injuries occurred. But she did not want to discuss it with me.  Though our daughter had been doing much better for months before this, even willingly attending weekly DBT therapy, once her friend confronted me about the "abuse" our daughter spun out and did more self harm than I've seen in years.
My husband has told our daughter that she cannot continue to live here unless she tells the truth to the friend. At this point she says if she is forced to do that she will disappear and live on the street. We're scared for her to live with us, terrified of her living on the streets, and not wanting to subject an innocent family (the friend) to this false reality. We were hoping inpatient treatment back in the US (we're stationed overseas) could help, but as of this moment she's not willing.
Any advice? It is so difficult to discuss with anyone, even family. Please and thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

I am so sorry you’re feeling this terror.  I relate.  It’s sick. 

My daughter has insinuated sexual abuse and is forthright about the mental abuse me and her dad inflicted. We did not.  She’s our only.  She’s been loved.  She’s still loved though now with broken hearts.

Here’s an interesting thing to consider: my mom was sexually abused when she was about 9.  She kept a knife under her pillow.  She lived in constant pain and fear.  When I told her that my daughter was loudly proclaiming her life of abuse my mom just looked at me and said no, that’s not how it goes. It’s not something you dangle in front of relatives, it’s not something you use to get what you want.  I don’t know what else to say.  My mom is right. 

[Merlot]

Hi Talon

Along with Faith Spring, I welcome you to the bpdfamily.

Im.sorry for what you are going through. I know many parents there will be able to relate. The ends that our children will go in an attempt to slot us into their view of the world is quite extraordinary.

My husband and I have been the sibject of much manipulation from my DD27 and while we havent been acused of abuse, we have been acused of many things and were honestly worried that this scenario could eventuate.

Faith Springs mother gave some sound advice. Hang onto your truth and never let your daughter come bewteen you and your husband.

Under the circumstances, I can completely understand your boindary.

Take care Talon. This is very difficult for you.

I hope you keep coming to share. We are all here to lisren and support.

Merlot

[Talon]

Thank you both for responding. I was starting to get more scared when no one had. The last few days have been so up and down. Our daughter is trying every form of manipulation & persuasion to get her way. Her way is to go back to staying with the friend and living with the lie. Our way is for her to admit to the friend that she was lying. She says if she or we tell the friend then we want her to kill herself.
She says she wants us out of her life forever. Because she has turned to similar tactics (implying abuse) over many years we feel that it is probably not in her or our best interest to remain in our home. But at the same time it is so difficult to tell our 19yo that she can't stay here and continue the lie. How will I live with myself if something horrible happens to her because she is living Who knows where with no income, driver's license, etc. She seems bent on suffering to punish herself and us.

[once removed]

hi Talon 

you are in a heartbreaking place with these accusations, and the prospect of having her back in your home or on the streets.

i think the conflict between whether she tells the friend she is lying or not is, unfortunately, unlikely to be resolved; even if she told the friend, the threat/problem may not go away.

you sound firm in your decision not to have her return to the home. her friends decision whether to have him live with her is, unfortunately, not one in which you have much say, though it may be preferable to the alternative.

how recently did she make these allegations? what allegations has she made in the past?

have you been in touch with her friend since then?

[StepMonster]

The fear of unfounded abuse accusations must be a pretty normal one here. Does anyone have any advice on how to protect yourself from them? Frankly, my DSD15? (diagnosed step daughter) is very inappropriate with my husband in front of others (the phrase I keep hearing is 'hanging on him like a drunken prom date') and is always getting into our bed with him and 'needing' him to lie down with her so she can fall asleep. It's a behavior that started when she was little, but she's 15 now and it's creepy. We're focused on keeping her out of our room right now, but I'm looking into nanny cams because I'm terrified she's going to get into one of those situations where she's desperate for attention and we're going to be defending ourselves against accusations of sexual abuse. Of course, even the accusation will probably cost us both our jobs. What do we do.

[Talon]

Update- there have been so many highs and lows in the last 10 days. Well, mostly lows, but anyway. Where we are now: scared. Sure that any option we choose is wrong and we will regret it.  In addition to blaming us for injuries, also found she has been taking our medicine from safe (not sure how she opened it) and buying overcounter cough medicine etc) and she definitely has eating disorder (she denies) that we don't know how to help.
Now she says she wants to return to the US, but doesn't want us to know where she will go.
I feel like I at least need to take her somewhere a shelter, etc. If she doesn't stay, I can't contol that.
But I guess our struggle is, that flying her to the US and saying goodbye and good luck feels so foreign to everything I am. And my DH talks tough, but when we start talking specifics he gets scared about what will happen to her, as am I. I read about places like covenant house looking for resources for her, and I think, I'm the person that volunteers to help people like this! How can I be the one CHOOSING this for someone I love so much?
But then I read all that so many of you post and I think, if we don't do this now I'm just making her worse. 
Is there an in between? She's only been in DBT counseling since August. I think it helps. Could she just need more time and support (as in DH and I learning all the ways to validate, etc?) or am I being super naive?

[Feeling Better]

Hello Talon

I just want to say how very sorry I am to hear of your situation, I understand how difficult this must be for you and your husband. Of course you love your daughter and you want to do what’s best for her.

 

She's only been in DBT counseling since August. I think it helps. Could she just need more time and support (as in DH and I learning all the ways to validate, etc?) or am I being super naive?

How wonderful that your daughter is sticking with her therapy and I am really glad that you think it helps. You ask whether she just needs more time and support, as in you and your husband learning new skills such as validation, how do you feel about this? Do you think that this could be an option for you and your husband?

I most certainly do not think that you are being super naive, I think that you are a very loving mom who is caught up in an extremely difficult situation. There are success stories here and there is always hope x