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Author Topic: Feeling desperate, husband keeps escalating  (Read 809 times)
Awakeagain

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« on: November 13, 2018, 05:43:37 AM »

I need help. My BPD husband has been out of it for a month and I cant keep myself together anymore. He has had some major stressors and I know he was triggered (first trigger over a month ago) but nothing seems to help and he just keeps escalating. I am totally exhausted and my mental health is seriously suffering.
I have tried to be validating and supportive, I have tried to stay out of it, we tried taking a break, he has seen his counsellor twice (new, DBT counselor), we have seen our couples counsellor, hes going to numerous NA meetings and called  crisis lines, but nothing is working. He is stuck in this victim headspace and wont get out of it. The only thing that has fixed this in the past is when he finally takes his power back and stops believing hes a victim. He has the skills to do that, hes done it many times before, but he just isnt doing it.
This weekend I drove a long way out of town alone with our daughter for a visit to a friend that I planned well in advance and needed. We discussed it at length and I stay in regular contact with him. I actually wanted him to come but he had one shift at work and didn't even try to get out of it. On the way home I got a flat tire and called him for advice. He totally froze and before I knew it was sending non stop texts about how worthless he is. He added so much stress to a super stressful situation (it was a cold winter day and my daughter is 6). I ended up waiting 5 hrs for a new tire and having to get a hotel room. I called my parents for help because he was incapable of helping me. I tried to work through my feelings before I got home, but I was mad, sad and exhausted. He was way worse when he realized I was still upset and ended up punching himself over and over, lashing out at me and saying mean things to push my buttons. I called my mom for support and he just got more out of control and angry with her.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I want my husband back so badly. He used to be so supportive  and now I feel so alone.
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2018, 03:30:40 PM »

hi Awakeagain,

it does sound like all of this has been very stressful for/on you, and its heartbreaking to watch a loved one hurt themselves.

tell us more about what led up to all this... .what were the major stressors that triggered him?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
RolandOfEld
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« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2018, 11:16:54 PM »

Hi Awakeagain, I can deeply empathize with the loneliness you are feeling, especially being a parent to young children and suddenly discovering you are navigating the ship all by yourself. Being stuck in a difficult situation and the only thing your partner can do is complain about their own issues subverts the very concept of marriage.

At what stage in your relationship do you remember your husband being more supportive, and what do you think changed? Was it before your daughter was born or after? Are your parents aware of his BPD behaviors?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld
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Awakeagain

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« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2018, 06:56:13 AM »

Well he seems to be stabilized now, he is hearing me out again. . . But I'm starting to feel like the only way he stabilizes is after he sees me fall apart. I think hes totally capable of it, but it feels like we are caught in this vicious cycle where we need to have a crazy blow out fight before he does the work. He pushes my buttons until I say things I dont mean, he punches himself in the head, and I start threatening that we separate. . . And then low and behold he pulls himself together. I hate going through this, and yet I'm starting to feel like it's the only thing that works! For weeks I tried validating and supporting him, then I tried "staying out of it" by continually telling him he needed and could do the work to feel better, but his outbursts kept getting more frequent and intense and eventually I reached my own breaking point. He professed that he had tried everything and that I didnt see that. . . Until I reached my breaking point and then he literally said, "I haven't tried everything, i haven't looked deep yet." I dont know how to stop this cycle! For a while I was making him leave everytime he destabilized and that actually seemed to help, but eventually it got really rough on our daughter, I got burntout from all the changes, and the circumstances of his back up place changed. I am tired of threatening divorce, and feeling completely dysregulated myself, in order to get things to change.

More about him:
- things changed when we had our daughter, the first time I saw him suicidal was when she was about 6 months old
- we know now that he was having flashbacks from severe childhood physical and sexual abuse (both parents)
- about a year ago I lost my job and became very depressed and suicidal myself, that really threw him over the edge
- in the spring he was admitted to the psych ward against his will, he chose to stay after admitting he was a drug addict (smoking marijuana daily since about 16)
- he was then diagnosed with BPD and PTSD
- we have since moved, got new great jobs, accessed some help and rebuilt things, but about 2 months ago he went to the police to file a report against his parents, it was empowering at first
- the most recent triggers: an officer called him back in, saying he only had a few questions, but actually made him recount every detail of every abuse he experienced,  basically entirely redoing his statement AND he was moved to a different house at work with a new client and quite chaotic schedule

Few people know what BPD is here and finding support is really challenging. He was turned away from a support group for survivors of sexual abuse dealing with the police, because it was only for women! He is on a year long waiting list for a DBT group. There is no support for family members here. I actually feel like I'm experiencing vicarious trauma now - I'm on edge, have nightmares and intrusive thoughts, feel very fearful overall and I feel like my entire worldview has been flipped upside down. I go back and forth from feeling overwhelmingly sad and angry for him, that his parents could be such monsters, to feeling like I need to run away from him and everything because I cant stand his pain anymore. I have counseling Monday but I'm not sure its helping anymore.
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Awakeagain

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« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2018, 09:45:33 AM »

I had a good talk with him this morning, as he is regulated and present now, and he agrees that what seems to "flip the switch" for him is realizing he's going to lose me.

I'm not sure how to facilitate that without losing myself first
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GoGo

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« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2018, 10:59:37 AM »

I'm not going to bury the lead here.  Strengthening myself has made me better able to strengthen the relationship.  Dealing with my own crushing anxiety makes me better at dealing with her.  That's probably the most important lesson of all for me.

I totally get your loneliness.  A couple weeks ago, in couples therapy, the therapist turned at me and said, "You must feel so lonely!"

I was like, "Yeah, I do!"

With my wife, threatening to leave her several months ago was the first time in 14 years that she actually heard me.  She'd heard me before, in the beginning of the relationship, but she'd stopped for so painfully long.

Now that that door is cracked open, she still has many periods where she just cannot snap out of her behavior.  Still that door is cracked open, and I've been prying it wider millimeter by millimeter.  Our last therapy session on Monday was great.  Last night was terrible.  The door keeps trying to close, but I've got my foot in there and I'm not ready to pull it out yet.

So there is hope.  For me, it's taken being unyielding, or most unyielding.  I've not been perfect, far from it.  But like I said, working on myself successfully has enabled me to work on the relationship much more productively.

One useful thing in interacting with her was discussing her pain from the past, how her brother beat her and her mother refused to protect her.  How her mother so cruelly rejected her when she fled the house to escape the abuse.  When she was discussing and feeling that pain, I said that was a lot like how she made me feel.  I recounted abuses from her that I had never healed from.  I said that, in our relationship, the pains from all those wounds she had caused were still there, were still open, because so many things had never been resolved no matter how hard I tried.  In the end, emotionally connecting the abuse she received to the abuse she caused, cracked the door wider than every before.

When things get hard, it helps me to remember that I'm doing this for our kids just as much as for myself.  My wife has begun treating our daughter better than before.  Our kids are older, 11 and 13.
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« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2018, 06:41:30 PM »

I had a good talk with him this morning, as he is regulated and present now, and he agrees that what seems to "flip the switch" for him is realizing he's going to lose me.

I'm not sure how to facilitate that without losing myself first

it may seem, even to both of you, that it flips the switch, and that it works. threatening my ex got some results, too.

but if youre doubling down, and youre doing it again, and again, without anything really changing, its just a part of the bigger cycle.

breakup threats may motivate a person in the short term. especially a person afraid of being abandoned. thousands of songs have been written to ex lovers with promises to change.

but what happens at the same time, is that breakup threats break down a relationship. they break down trust. they arent followed through with anyway, so they start to lose whatever motivating effect they had.

what stage would you say your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Awakeagain

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« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2018, 06:32:44 AM »

I am having a hard time pinpointing where we are, because I feel so enmeshed with him and his feelings. When we are on the tail end of his dysregulation I am stonewalling for sure. When he is stable, all of the negativity starts to fade away until I feel like I'm back at stage 1. Usually it only takes a few days. I feel like he is such a different person, it's hard to see him behind the illness when things are bad. His individual and our couples counsellor are saying he should leave when he gets dysregulated and work on regulating on his own. I think when he has been dysregulated for a while, and starts saying and doing things that hurt me, it just builds and builds until I feel furious. I try so hard to comfort myself, but I keep reaching a point where I feel like I cant take it anymore.  . . And then he gets better
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« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2018, 10:32:30 PM »

the truth is, theres not a lot you can do thats constructive when someone is in a dysregulated state. by and large, theyre gonna have to get back to baseline.

in line with the counselors advice to him, have you tried taking a time out when he goes too far, or when youre flustered?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Awakeagain

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« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2018, 01:58:35 PM »

Yes I have tried taking space. 

I think my biggest hang up is that he really struggles to talk about how I'm feeling if it has anything to do with something he said or did. Even when I specifically tell him it's not his fault. If I appear sad or angry and there is any connection whatsoever with those feelings and our relationship or his behaviour, whether it's his "fault" or not, he goes into self loathing and projects anger at me. So I start out feeling low and then end up needing to help him with his feelings. I keep needing to set my feelings aside because he gets so intense. I try to revisit it at the best possible time, and it gets too intense for him again. I feel like this specific dynamic has befm going on for about a year, so my feelings just keep building because they never get validated by him. Is there hope that he can and will be able to validate my feelings again one day?
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loyalwife
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« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2018, 04:16:59 PM »

Awakeagain,
    I can certainly feel your pain:
Excerpt
I want my husband back so badly. He used to be so supportive  and now I feel so alone.

Excerpt
Is there hope that he can and will be able to validate my feelings again one day?

Dear one, this is how I feel too. The man you married and fell in love with seemed to disappear/change, and as close as he comes to being 'normal' again, something happens and you are back on the merry go round.  In order to answer the question, first answer this one (I know not fair). Can your husband validate his own feelings?  One minute he feels close to you, the next estranged or he's happy and then angry, within a short period of time. The only thing that brings this on his his inability to regulate his feelings, so he implodes. Miracles happen, and not to say he couldn't learn, but in order to do this he would have to have willingness to let go of all his past behavior, see how it is literally destroying his life, and make the changes. DBT is a wonderful program, but like any treatment it only works when you do the work.

I've watched my husband literally 'switch' and impulsively run away, like a two year old. Yell at therapists, threaten suicide and verbally abuse me. Friends and family and the best psychologists are only capable of suggesting avenues, the work also lies with you. Arm yourself with compassion and look in the mirror to see the women you have always been for your and your child. Nobody can take that away from you unless you give it to them. For instance, today, I felt so crummy after being told to "go away, I'm not interested in you" (not new) and was going to put on the crappiest sweatshirt (one he handed down to me) without any makeup. I stopped that behavior by remembering who I am. I put on my favorite cashmere cardigan and pink lipstick. It's not you that is suffering from BPD, it's him. My husband told me to 'get away, that he didn't want to be in my presence". As hurtful as that is, I'm giving him that, and putting a little more pink lipstick on

You aren't alone with this dilemma, as it isn't an uncommon mental illness. It breaks up families and lives. I used to threaten divorce (only after he served me with paperwork twice). Finally I told him that he would be happier if I just left. It did work to make things change back for awhile, but it destroys trust. Can you sit down with him and map out a plan for times that he escalates? Say "I know when things are going badly you need time to regroup. I will give you that space and when you feel better just let me know" As easy as that sounds, even with a plan, it's hard to plan for everything.

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD stinks, most of the time. Some have learned how to handle it, and some decide it's just too much. It doesn't make the ones that stay saints, nor the ones that leave villains. We are only human and can save no one, but ourselves. Don't beat yourself up over someone else's pain.

Take care, and take heart.



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Awakeagain

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« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2018, 11:01:39 AM »

Loyalwife thank you
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2018, 01:28:28 PM »

You've described a situation where you are deeply enmeshed with him.  It almost sounds like you need to regulate your feelings in order to regulate his feelings.  You are worried about whether he perceives a connection between your actions and his feelings.  The first step in allowing him to self regulate may be you learning how to take space from him in a way that allows you to self-regulate without depending on interactions with him.

Can you tell us more about what you mean by "taking space?"  How long do you do it for?  How far do you go?  What do you say before taking space and how does he respond?

RC
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