I'm tired of crying, the sadness is still there and still the same (Part 2)

[Sky07]

Continuing the thread from https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330681.0

[Sky07]

Reposting my reply from the last thread so that this thread is easier to read, follow and reply to

Hello everyone, thank you so so much for replying.

Cromwell, the posts that I have been mentioning from the anonymous blog are dated before we got together as a couple. Plus she only mentioned this place once throughout our relationship. It was only when I revisited our old messages that I remembered the app she mentioned and with lots of searching, I only ended up finding her because what she was posting then correlated to our breakup (so many posts about me being abusive, it hurt me so much) but it wasn't what broke me, it was when I scrolled to the time where we got together, which in my memory was amazing and beautiful and to see her posts saying totally the opposite, that's she doesn't feel it, she is having doubts, she cannot see herself marrying me, that the love feels forced, that ripped me in pieces... .I feel like what I lived was an imagination of mine, when she finally asked me out and I was over the mood, it was all an illusion.

She doesn't only write about me on there, she writes other personal stuff so I definitely don't think she would want me to find it. Last time, she was talking about how she is extremely hurt and feels like worthless unlovable trash after her fling ghosted her. To see that she had a fling made me numb... .I've stopped reading since then. I was also angry and wanted to comment on her post saying "how does it feel to be on the other side of being ghosted, huh?" but i stopped myself. I'm sad she feels worthless, I want to hug her... .but she hurt me too much... .I know it's been 7 months and she has the right to be with whoever she wants... .hell, she was talking about a crush 1 month after the breakup which makes me think that she might have known this person maybe before we broke up. Who knows... .


Harri, I stopped visiting the blog. I visited with the hope that she would miss me at some point and remember the good times. She did write a cryptic message about missing someone "more than she's ever missed anyone" but with her, I don't even know if she's talking about me... .I stopped and deleted the app when she wrote about her "fling" ghosting her. The word fling was a slap to the face. Since then, I've been numb... .To think a week before she broke up with me, she was saying "i love being with you and being your partner, you are so important to me, i love you so much"... .the words don't mean anything, do they?

You know what was the most irritating part of reading her posts? She talked about how she idealises and devalues people, she talks about how she is struggling with black and white thinking, she talks about how she wants to get well and be able to connect with people, that she regresses, that she dissociates... .yet she can't f**king see what she's doing, what she did to me. She talks about all the abusers in her life, her mom, her dad, her sibling, her high-school best friend and me. Yet she can't see what she does to these people. She just cuts people off. My T says that's her "style", that's how she deals with distress. What is all this "introspection" for, with her when it doesn't improve anything?

How do you depersonalise something that is completely addressed to you? How do you depersonalise something that is affecting your reputation, your support network, your life?


H2H, I'm sorry that this happened to you as well. I understand you yelling when someone is raging at you. My ex isn't the raging kind so sometimes I feel like I was the one that "raged"... .I never yelled, I just always told her when I was angry or fed up of her actions, her constant last minute cancellations and what not. I still feel like if I had just shut my mouth and not complained, things would have been different.

I shared so much of myself with her and she took it and twisted it all into this ugliness... .and because it is the shared parts of me that she twisted, it is hard to not see myself as this "ugliness". No matter how many fights or problems we had, I never said anything about it to anyone, I always encouraged her to get support from her friends and I realised that she has painted me black to them as well. Like you, I wanted the intimacy that was there slightly, at the start but even then, she would tell me that I was overwhelming her... .I thought with time, things would get better but it got worse. And on my side, I got more short-fused, I got more tired, drained as I was trying to meet her demands to change this and that and what not. Everytime we would have a good weekend together, something would come up during the week, something for me to change. I asked her for time, I told her I was working on it, that it wasn't easy... .guess she didn't want to wait.

I'm very much annoyed when I think of some of her posts on that blog of hers. She talks about how she wants an honest love, she wants someone to really love her and she then talks about these people that she is trying to get close to, crushes and what not and it angers me. She had all that, she had an honest love, I was there! Now she is running after other people... .it's agonising because I still love her. I think of her all the time and it hurts that maybe one day she'll get better (she goes to therapy... .even if it's just 10 sessions a year) and she was off meds for a while but in the process of changing to something that works. The new one she had tried gave her an allergic reaction). Since she is diagnosed, doing treatment and wants to be well, someday she will be... .but it won't be with me... .I met her too soon.


LoveOnTheRocks, I hope you are taking care of yourself. It can be draining sometimes when you look at BPD because it looks like there is no solution, there is no hope. It's not like a disease where your loved one goes through treatment and do their best to get better while allowing you to support and appreciating you for it. No, it's an illness where the treatment is there but they are not willing to do it or if they are, the treatment can all go downhill based on how they see their therapist. Plus, they push you away and hurt you so much. I get angry at my ex's therapist, asking myself why her T doesn't make her see all the stuff she is doing... .but then I guess her T is trying to approach it in a way that doesn't overwhelm her and makes her run away.

I want to say thank you for reading my long post, I didn't think anyone would, LOL! You are right, I'm an honest person and sometimes, things I say can end up brutally honest. I'm working on a more gentle approach. It's sad because when I got together with my ex, I promised myself I'd be the most honest with her and look where it got me. It's crazy how your daughter cheated on her boyfriend. I don't think my ex cheated on me during our relationship, physically at least but I don't know about "emotional cheating" .

She would say sorry when she did something that hurt me, despite me telling her it hurt me, like cancelling at the last minute and talk about how she will work on doing it less but it just happened again and again. I asked for her support so many times and she says she will work on giving it but it just doesn't happen... .I also hate the double standards... she can make fun of me, in front of people or privately but if I say something, it's abuse. For me, I always understood that it was jokes, when she would say blurt things I told her in confidence to people while I was right there in front of her, I'd let it go when she'd say sorry later. When she'd say things when she is irritated, I'd just accept that she is anxious and let it go. For me, it didn't matter how much I did to fix things, if I said sorry or I stopped doing it, she'd bring it up all the time, every time. It was so frustrating.

I've supported her in everything... .I've only not been there for her once... .just once where I told her I was drained and tired, that she is always crying and sad and I need happy moments because it is all making me depressed and tired and I was sick that day and it was the day of our fight... .it eats me up that I wasn't there for her, maybe if I had been there, thing would have been different.

You mention that your daughters calls you "evil", and I don't believe that at all. My ex calls her mum "evil" too though I believe she was actually abused by her mum but then again who knows what is true? When I read her blog before, it seemed that at the time of the breakup, her dad took my side and after that, she posted a rant about how after being with me, she can now clearly see that her dad is abusive as well. Lol, seems like she has abusers galore!

Thank you for saying I am not an abuser. I really appreciate the motherly affirmation. I'm getting there, slowly realising with the help of my T, my remaining friends and you guys that I am not. It's been 7 months and not one word from her. She didn't even wish me on my birthday when last year, I was supposed to have a holiday with my family for weeks and her birthday was within the last week and I made sure to book my flights so I'd be back in time for her birthday. She's the cut-off type, she won't come back. It's crazy how they chase after people who cannot love them and throw aside people who do love them. I want her back, LoTR but I'm being foolish, aren't I? There's no going back from this, isn't it?

~Sky

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Sky!
You know I am no expert, don't have an education in therapy, so my responses to you are just one human to another... .but I do care about you hurting (and others) and will keep being a friend, because I understand so much about what you are going thru, having a BPDexbf, and my DD.  I dont know if you've read any of my other posts in other threads, and the only reason I would like that is because I give so many examples of what I've seen, experienced and been thru with my BPD loved ones.  Having an altered wired brain does create absolute and easily identified changes in how a human being sees things, acts and reacts, etc.  The one absolute I know about my BPDex is that his brain was like a quarter turn off, (think like a clock, I and most are at 12 and his brain was always at 12:15)... .so, regardless of what I needed and what would be right, he never could and never would see things the way most see them, and of course, the way I would need him to see them in order to stop committing the offenses against me (he was abusive physically and also yelled at me for hours on end, often about things he thought that had never even crossed my mind).  So, for as long as I was with him, I was subject to his misunderstanding and hence, abuses.  I loved him like you love your ex... .our good times and intimacy were the most amazing connection I'd ever experienced so you just have no idea how bad I wanted to fix our differences so that we could have each other.  That said, the parts of his thinking that I could not change, influence, etc, were so detrimental as to cause our bad times to be so bad that my actual life was in danger.  Even if your life is not in danger here, the fact still remains that you are dealing with a person who, if like my ex, has a "broken brain" that is not and will not be capable of what you need in order to stay together and build and build and build on that togetherness.  That is the way I see it.

To that end, the short answer I would give you about going back is... .No, nomatter who and what, you never get back to what was. "it" always changes.  Just in what you've been thru since being departed the first time, do you think you would trust her with you?  I know you would absolutely want to, because you have loved her, but wanting to and being able to... .aren't they different?

Sky, this really isn't about your x anymore... .it's about you now.  ... .it's about accepting facts before you.  When you accept the fact FACT that you are dealing with someone who has literally a broken brain and cannot, nomatter how well YOU perform, see your commitment and love to her. She, in functioning, will either see you in an over or under capacity (idealize you then demonize you), and not see you as you really are with her.  You cant do anything at all to change this brokenness in her makeup, and nomatter what or who she is with, she will not be any better about these things... .everyone she deals with will experience her in this way... .and not be fulfilled or able to rest in their trust of her with their love. 

When you accept that you got involved with someone whose ability to experience a relationship in a normal and progressively growing capacity to love, and accept that while you love her and she loved you best she could, the whole "idea" of Sky and ex is more of an idea and not a thing that can truly be had... .I think you can move on.  That's what it took for me.  I accepted that my ex was broken in a way I didn't completely understand, but whether I understood it or not, I could never truly have him and him me, and we could never get to a place where we would be ok... .nomatter how much I loved him and wanted to get there with him.  The only way I could have "that"... .was if I took the steps to heal over my unrequited love and try again with someone else when I was healed from the loss and ready to love again.  So, that's what I did.  I left my uBPDex and went through the days and nights of reality checking with myself... .remembering, reminding and coming to accept until I didn't need to do it anymore, because I accepted the facts for what they were and moved on so that I would be in a place where I could actually get what I needed and wanted elsewhere.

I was absolutely lost for a period of time, while I went through this mourning and grieving process, and I accepted being lost, too.  I accepted that I had made a conscious decision to walk away from what I knew was love on both our parts, but even so, that song is so true... .baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

I will make you an absolute promise.  I absolutely promise that you can and will recover from this loss.  I absolutely promise that you can fully and completely love someone who can love you back and that you can actually find out that a "solid and stable" relationship will be, in the end, much more satisfying and rewarding than the one that was intensely good when it was, but also unreliable and unstable overall.  It took me a good while to get over and be ok after my BPDx, and I didn't date anyone during that period, but when I was ready, I met my husband who swept me off my feet and let me tell you... .and this is real, not puffed up or fake, I love my husband more than anyone on the planet and I did not have to compromise or lie to myself at all... .on the day I met him at the altar, I was absolutely positive that it was right for me and I had NO regrets about leaving my uBPDx... .

What you went thru with your BPDx was possibly more intense... .the good and the bad... .than it is with others who don't have BPD... .but at the end of the day, at a certain point, it does come down to whether someone can give you their all and mean it, or not... .On the day I married my husband I remember thinking to myself, the question about who will I love, or am I fully loved, and will I ever have to do a "break up" again and suffer that awful thing (and yes, break ups are unbelievably horrible)... .but on my marriage day, I knew those things would not happen in my life again (most likely), and they haven't... .and thank goodness... .

had I married my BPDex, even if I had married him, I would have never been able to trust that he was fully able to keep those vows to me, because there were things about his personality that kept him from being able to see those vows in a way that meant that nomatter what, he would keep every word of his bond to me, and more importantly, he would not ever have trusted me to keep mine to him, even if I had and did keep them.  The BPD made that type of black and white thinking an impossibility... .Some 20 years later, I know about my ex that he is still struggling and has been unable to settle in, even though he's been seeing three that I know of women and has wanted to do that.  So, his life has been how he was with me and would be with other women (because in the end it was not me, it was BPD, which is not something that can be "fixed")... .and I, having let go and chosen to move on, got the love I needed and wanted to complete that part of my life, and am in my 17th year of a strong marriage that is still extremely reliable.  I know my husband, and he knows me... .and even though the honeymoon ended a long time ago, we have a strong and solid connection and love and we always tell each other, as long as the other is living on this planet, we will be trying to get to each other and be together to do life... .in all its forms... .and nomatter what.

I think deep deep deep down at its core... .even though you love this young lady, what you really desire, even more than her, is for YOU to have that deep connection with another.  Give yourself a chance to have that by not holding on to another person as much as you hold on to your own self and your own dreams for yourself.  Put you first and all other things will fall in line as they should, can and would, if only you would love you first.  The better your love for yourself, the better your love for your partner will be... .

((virtual hugs!)

[Cromwell]

it eats me up that I wasn't there for her, maybe if I had been there, thing would have been different.

Hi Sky

I used to replay a lot of these things, maybe i should or shouldnt have behaved in the way I did - finding fault in myself, self blame.

It may or may not have led to things being better - but even if you had been there for her on that one event, what about the next one, and the one thereafter?

do you feel that this perfectionist sort of self blaming could carry on to future relationships?

id like to share with you a line that came from a friend of mine, it hit me like a thunderbolt

"no one is responsible for another persons happiness"

my ex was perpetually telling me she was having a bad day, that became my cue for leaping into action, doing all i could to change it. soetimes it seemed to work other times it backfired.

she cant love you until she loves herself first, before that happens you can love her but it is an unrequited form.

i just gave up in the end, which was the sensible if not romantic dreamy thing to do, not easy at all because I had held on to a dream that she would change, not realising just how wrong I was in how deep rooted her issues were. In short, I never knew her as much as I thought I did and this gave way to dissappointment mixed with a lot of what you are going through now; new revelations, anger mixed up together still holding on to those original feelings of love for a person that you hoped things would have been different with.

It takes time Sky but numbing these feelings and not able to express how you really feel - are these really part of the dream of being in love with her? That you cant ever 'fail' or speak up when you want to but instead hide your true inner self each time.

[H2H]

Thank you, Sky.  Being fed up with somebody's bad behavior is not raging!   Raging (in my experience at least) was attacking out of the blue, to something that I never did or thought, but to something in his head that he projected onto me. I never thought  of him as worthless or disgusting, I loved him so much. But he thought he was worthless and disgusting so he somehow made that into something I was doing.

I understand about the confusion that comes when someone says they want honest love, but then reject it. I truly love him, accepted him, wanted to be with him, but the damage done to him in childhood meant he couldn't perceive my love. I think he really couldn't see me at all, just the movies inside his head. I became an invisible screen for him to project his self-loathing onto. No empathy, because he couldn't see me. No trust, because he accepted the lies about himself, so he didn't trust me even though he will still say I'm trustworthy. And he lied so much to me.

Is it hard for you to let go of what was good? That's what I'm struggling with. I spent over 40 years with him, and most of it was good. The last decade though, everything went downhill. He's still lost in his head. I just have to let go and let him travel his own path. I can't help him. Even my loving him became a threat to him, inside his head. I have to let go. It's so hard. If you figure out how to do it, let me know!

[Sky07]

  everyone,

Sorry I've been away for a bit. Had a full-on personal development program and it took so much of time but also put a lot of things in perspective.

LoveOnTheRocks
Thank you for being such a great friend and know that I am your friend too. It's was definitely how you describe it, I always felt like my ex was seeing things very differently from me. I attributed it to the age gap we had (6 years) and the fact that she was 20 and still young, in a sense.

My T said it, "there were traps everywhere and nothing you would have done would have been enough". When my ex complained about A, I would fix it then she'd complain about how I fixed A, she wasn't happy with my solutions, I do something else to fix A and then she'd bring a new problem, B, based on my way of trying to fix A, so now I end up with A & B as problems and the saga kept going. She was rarely happy with anything. Sometimes I would get annoyed to put aside my needs to fix the problems and I would try to come to a compromise where we both win. She sometimes seemed like she was compromising too but she actually wasn't. I still remember once what she said to me "I don't like compromising because it feels like I am losing myself"... .How do you have a relationship without compromise? And that's what happened, the relationship became all about her, her, her while Sky kept trying to compromise but it was only one-sided and I was giving away all my needs to fulfil hers. I do not want a relationship like that. I was someone to care for me, love and prioritise me as much as I do that for them.

Your post inspires me and gives me hope that there is someone out there who will love me with as much love as I wasted on my ex. I definitely need to be with someone who is not going to break up with me everytime things get difficult and who will not demonise me to friends. It will definitely take a while before I am ready to date again but I will use that time on me, I wanna be happy with myself again, love myself again and this time to an extent that nothing, no accusations, no breakup, no loss of friendship will ever diminish it in any way. Thank you 


Cromwell , you are right. While we had only been together for 10 months, I had been there for her countless of times and even that wasn't good enough for her. I was prioritising her too much so I stopped doing that. I slowed down. When I needed support, she was rarely there. So yes, at the end, I wasn't there for her much but it doesn't discount all the times I WAS there. All the times, I put her FIRST.

I definitely tried to make her happy because I was so happy with her, I didn't understand why she wasn't happy around me. But she was never happy... .she wasn't happy before me and she is not happy after. I was happy before her and I will be happy after her.

You are right, I don't want to hide my true inner self. I want to me able to speak my mind, be corny, be romantic, be emotional when I want (she often said she didn't like it, it overwhelmed her) or even be angry, fight and trust that we still love each other after it (not be called "abusive" and thrown aside like trash)

How did you let go? How did you detach? Was it time or just realisations of what the relationship actually was compared to the fantasy that you were having?

I know H2H. It's really draining to be with someone who is miserable all the time, is tired all the time. Whatever we did revolved around her schedule and guess what, I work full-time and she works 2 half days and took a break from uni. Yet, when do we meet, what do we do, or she would cancel on me so frequently, nearly everything was based on her. If we went out, we would definitely come back home earlier than everyone else because she gets tired. And you know what annoys me is the fact that I was ok going home, I cared about her more... .yet she called me "abusive"... .

I gave her what she has been craving this whole time... .love... .and she rejected it. You are right, it is hard to let go of what was good... .but after reading the anonymous messages on her blog, I realised that it was good only to me, that it was a sham this whole time. She twisted every good thing we did together into something bad. It makes me want to throw up when I think of the good times while knowing that she wasn't feeling the same at the time but demonising me instead.

It must be hard for you... .40 years is so long. I only was with her 1 year as a friend and 10 months as a partner and it destroyed me. We both have to let go. I know it's hard, I know. I'll definitely tell you if I ever find a way! For now, please take care of yourself 

[Cromwell]

How did you let go? How did you detach? Was it time or just realisations of what the relationship actually was compared to the fantasy that you were having?

Hi Sky

How are you feeling since you first posted?

I guess ultimately it came to a single fact - she wasnt worth it, or perhaps another perspective; I didnt love her enough to waste the rest of my life trying to get her to change.

Im in my mid 30s, not 20s and I feel at a stage of my life I know better what I want - and she isnt/wasnt it.

I dont like waking up in the middle of my sleep, riddled with waves of anxiety.

I dont like spending my time as a rescuer for someone who impromptu decide to hurt me in the process of doing my best to 'make' her happy.

I detached fully when I started to respect myself more and realise that part of the anger was not what she had done but my own response to it.

If I would have walked away on the day she first show her true colours, I wouldnt have ended up on this board or enduring further pain. Ive learned a lesson the hard way, on damage limitation. I could have spent those years with someone who I didnt have to go through this constant mental agony with, or walk on eggshells with, I chose ultimately to do so. We werent married, never had kids, even if we had, there is still a way out it comes down to personal responsibility to pack up and call it a day.

Your in your mid 20s, its up to you to decide if you want to continue in a relationship or future tense; relationships with people that sap your emotional energy, make you feel upset, make you cry. If you want the alternative, you need to do a bit of "seek and ye shall find". Its a big world out there and I only realise that since I let go and fully detached.

There are women out there who would be overjoyed to have received 1% of the love that I showed my ex, who appreciate it and want happy relationships based on mutual respect. Yet because I gave it my best and did everything I could, and failed, it whittled my self esteem down to think there must be something wrong with me, to be punished consistently. In time I realised what was going on is that she was role playing her own childhood family dynamics with me. I started to feel patronised and annoyed when I saw her give scraps of praise when she felt like it, or silent treatment when she felt like it.

If I see a piece of fruit I glance whilst shopping and only after taking it home realise it is rotten, theres still some choices.

discard it straight in the bin, take it back to the shop and replace with a new one ill check more closely, or leave it with the other fruit because I feel "stupid" to have chosen it but "hope" it will magically change overnight and become better.

So I kept that rotten fruit for far too long, it never changed into healthy regardless of how much hope and wishes I had. She became more rotten and dangerous to health, and finally had to go as waste.

how much of these tears you are shedding, are really as much for her as they are for your self, the conflict of letting yourself go through all this when you could be in a r/s where you are appreciated and can (god forgive me for even suggesting this)... .

actually have some fun in life, not live in circular bouts of misery intermixed with reward, and wake up looking foward to the day and upbeat, excited and positive for what it might become, rather than having to brace myself like being in an ironclad ship even when the weather outside is calm and picturesque.

this lifestlye was not healthy, we arent designed as humans to live that way for protracted periods of time and I was the only one who could change it, ultimately when it became too much to cope finally - yet it didnt need to get to that stage.

So I look back today and just chalk it up as part of life's lesson. Time is valuable though and I wont ever entertain people like her in my life who have complicated issues I become obliged to feeling I need to fix, I learned that my own happiness couldnt be served that way.

It feels horrible now sky, it can even get worse or it can get better, it takes strength to draw a line under this and accept it didnt work out as expected. How much else in life for everyone doesnt work out in some ways how we might have hoped? Its a life event but it doesnt have to become stretched out into a significant enduring trauma.

we all have to find our own way out of the unique situations we were in, but this board helped me to see other perspectives at a time I was too emotionally fixated on the pain/love. I look back now and can only wince in disbelief that it was even possible for me to feel the way I have previously, it feels almost pointless that I did when I look at where my life is going nowadays and the happiness I have found elsewhere.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Sky:  I know we have all been on a holiday schedule and not as regular with the board... .just wanted to say that reading your recent post was so fulfilling for me.  I understand so much about what you've been thru and how you are feeling right now.  Processing this mess was, for me, just a daily grind for a while, followed by my embracing life with a fervor and joy (what a relief to know that I CHOSE not to live out that tortured and torturing relationship) ... .so once I accepted him for what he was and who he was and realized that many of the problems weren't mine, and got resolved just by my letting the relationship go in favor of some much needed fresh air... .I actually was just happy and satisfied with life... .no relationship needed... .and in fact, lessons learned, no relationship wanted unless it was with someone who just rocked my world, they were so wonderful.  You know what... .I lived 3 years without a relationship and I had such a full life that when I met my husband, I had thinking that was funny looking back.  The first time I met my husband, he asked if I was in a relationship and my answer to him was "No.  I don't want to be in a relationship.  My life is so full of stuff and I have so many things going on that I don't think it would be fair to involve someone else, knowing that I may not be able to give them the time they deserve."  Sky, this is the truth.  My husband would verify that this was in our first conversation.  I had a COMPLETE life devoid of any love interests... .I was loving life and living it to the fullest... .without the first love interest at all... .and I was very happy and wanted to keep that happy life!  My now husband told me on that day that I was too young to be alone forever.  Then he (sneaky devil him!) was on a mission to get me for himself, so he let me be friends with him for as long as I wanted and just kept getting to know me.  He told me later that from that first encounter, he felt it... .I was the one he was looking for, .  Anyway, as days went to weeks and so forth, he grew on me with no pressure of a relationship or anything else... .and I was smitten... .and seemlessly, we went from friends to romantic interest to husband and wife... .no drama, no issues... .just two people loving each other more and more each day until it was clear, we wanted this forever... .and so we wed.

Sky, my story isn't amazing, it can be anyone's story.  I loved me first... .loved doing me without NEEDING anyone else, then when someone came along that was the same way, nature took over and drama never entered the scene... .adding to our great individuality with each other was easy, and right, and neither he nor I would have let a moron into our world to mess it up... .we were happy and would only accept a little more happy each day... .otherwise... .it would have been "hit the road Jack!"... .because I don't NEED a relationship... .and I will only have one if the person adds GREATNESS to my already happy existence.

OK, I am rambling, but wanted to share with you that after I processed my nightmare ex... .I got my own life with me and was very happy with it... .and then met this extra great guy who just added goodness to it and so... .I married him and we are still lovers (just this morning, after almost 2 decades of marriage, he was singing love songs to me over coffee, !).  THAT is what you want, baby!, and THAT is the only thing you should settle for.  So... .you keep processing this disaster out of your life... .because your happy day cannot come until you are completely ready and available and open to it... .so, clear this one out completely so that when the right one comes along, you are ready and don't have any BUTS to disrupt your happy future.
LoTR

[once removed]

how ya feeling today Sky?

[Sky07]

Hi everyone, 
Work has been killing me thus why I haven't been replying in time.

Cromwell, I don't know how I feel tbh. I feel better, not blaming myself so much anymore but still do a little bit.

I read your post and see how you decided for yourself. I am in my mid 20s and I want a loving relationship, not without fights but be able to fight knowing that at the end of it, no one wants to hurt anyone and that we love each other. I love spending tons of time with my significant other and my ex was very avoidant... .but I think I won't find someone who wants to spend as much time with me as I want to with them. It's overbearing for everyone I know.

I don't want to have to beg for someone to love me yet I still feel I'm unloveable. I want too much? Expect too much? I should lower my standards? I want a actual relationship where we support each other, where they are as excited to see me as I am, where life is much more fun together than apart. My ex was tired of me from day one. I don't think I went through idealisation with her. I was catering for her needs from day one.

All this that happened has made me question whether what I want from a relationship is "too much"... .If it is, then there is no point of being in a relationship, I will be seen as overbearing and what I want, I'll never get so it's best to be single, I can handle that.

LoveOnTheRocks, before my ex, I was single for 7 years after my first love broke my heart and I was ok with it. I am not one to get into a relationship just for the sake of it, I need to fall in love, I need to feel something. Same thing will happen now, I'll take a few years to get over this.

I had a complete life but I still wanted love. Love is something big for me. I definitely want it but I won't just actively go seek it. I allow myself to take my time to fall in love. I fell in love with my ex a long time before we got together. I'm the kind of person that puts a lot of emphasis on love, I make hand-made cards, I say corny romantic stuff, I want to live love to its fullest. How to do that when the people you love call it "overwhelming" and "overbearing"? It's just me... .so I feel like I cannot be myself.

You talk about loving myself. I am not sure I am loveable. I called my first ex (first love) recently. I'm still friends with her after she broke my heart. I asked her if at any point in our relationship, she felt pressured, she said no. I told her my ex called me "controlling" and "abusive" and she said she doesn't think I'm abusive but controlling, yes I was. I definitely was when I was with her, I swear I'm more toned down now, , so I can't fault her for saying that. I was with her when I was 16-18 years old. We were together 2 years and I was a teen back then, a lot more emotional and hot-tempered. We went through a lot together and she doesn't find me abusive... .whereas my recent ex, diagnosed with BPD during our 10 months relationship, calls me abusive.

Now being called controlling by my first ex, brought me down a bit,  but hearing I'm not abusive was good. I'm slowly getting better. I'm still hurt though. I wake up with dreams of both exes! I guess I got my heart broken both times so my brain is smashing it all together.

Once Removed and Everyone

I'm slightly better but still love my ex and I am angry at myself for that. This whole thread started with the anonymous messages she wrote which I found (see: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329632.msg13009578#msg13009578 if you need a refresher, ) and I printed those and glued it in a diary of mine. Another post that I glued in my diary is this:

Start of May 18:

No. This isn't right, this isn't fair, I'm sick of this. I know that my love isn't as passionate as it normally is, she isn't always on my mind, she doesn't make me dizzy when we touch. This isn't right. This isn't a different love, all my deep crushes have felt the same. She is a crush that has a reciprocally deep crush on me. That isn't the same, it isn't. I want to be so conscious of the possibilities of my mental illnesses getting in the way, I want to be so conscious of the idea that this could be a slow burn love... .but for me in deep crushes, I don't doubt how I feel in the specific fantasising and idealising of our future together. I know that although it's very obscured by unrealisitic expectiations when I have a deep crush but that idealising does exist! and it is strong and unforced. With her, I do not have this. I don't want marriage, I don't want children with her. I'm not dreaming of her love in a positive way, I dreamt of her making love to me very disappointingly and that's it. And I want to think, is it the way she touches and kisses me that makes me not feel passionately about her? but then it isn't really, well I don't know. With my ex when we kissed, it was terrible but when she kissed me well once, I remember it bought me so much love and joy. When we held hands, it was deeply passionate, not simply comforting. i see these differences and I feel like they are physical indicators that a passionate love does not and can not exist between the two of us now, like in the way i have experienced before. While I do feel passionately sexually attracted to her and generally happy and proud to make her feel good... .I'm not so sure that's how I normally feel, or that it is the extent of how I normally feel. I feel so sad being so unsure and because she wants me to give this a chance, I am still trying to understand it through a more positive lens. It's just a different experience and i'm struggling to make sense of it. i dont want to hurt her or myself by forcing this relationship or forcing my feelings for her. However, in a big way, this is something I'm considering to be the truth of my current experience. Forced love, forced effort. This is so hard, I do care for her. I do want to put effort in this relationship. I just don't feel the love in the deepest most passionate way that I ever hanve, and I think it's unfair to settle fora love that isn't already deep and passionate in the hope that I can coax that out of my current feelings eventually.

-----
Then she asked me out at the end of May... .

I don't open that diary to read this often. I only do when I get the feeling that I f**ked things up while she really loved me and that I want her back. It's a good slap back to reality.

I accepted everytime she did the push and pull with me, saying she is interested then switching and saying she just wants to be friends. I sure wanted her to give the relationship a chance but only because I thought she felt something too, that she was scared because she said she has a "fear of commitment"... .When she said she wanted to be friends, I said "ok", I never pressured for a relationship. I thought I was one of her bestfriends... .You don't play with your bestfriend's heart... .Not to forget the times she spoke about marriage and kids with me during the relationship, or her taking one of my rings to wear on her left ring finger. I feel like I lived a lie, an absolute lie. She lied to me to get my love, my devotion, my body, my soul and I gave it all thinking it was reality, when it was all a big deceit... .and people think I abused HER.

Oh and remember when she broke up with me? She said this whole relationship "started on abuse". I read the post above and I am still searching for the answer to that one. Tell me if you find it.

~Sky

[Cromwell]

Hi Sky

Positive ground covered already to hear that you feel slightly better.

There is nothing that I read in your wishes and needs for a partner that sounds unrealistic or unattainable.

When I compare and contrast what I went through with BPDx in terms of emotional fulfillment, it is a stark contrast to what i had previously. Yet I loved, or at least, tried to and I never used any  past relationships as a benchmark.

So to tie this in with the diary extract you found - it comes across that she compares and contrasts you with former relationships - ie - she has never found proper closure and has created some sort of benchmark of what she thinks needs to be surpassed in order to be worthy enough.

its no great mystery to see why youd expect someone like that to be depressed and unfullfilled. I can also see why this interaction has led to feeling upset and hitting self esteem, its obvious - you werent expected to be yourself but to bring yourself up to some sort of unknown criteria set of standards she has mentally set. To be anything less is to provoke disappointment.

Sky, my ex once referred to me as "one of a kind". It was an important insight into her world paradigm. She similarly didnt have the empathy to properly see an individual as unique, I was also expected to not only match up to some preset ideal, but to surpass all those that had been before me - it is a striving for the ideal, or perfectionism, and it is rooted in upbringing where my ex was constantly made to feel inadequate for not being able to reflect on her parents narcisstic ideals. It gets appropiated and we get the brunt of it. Have you looked at your exs parents?

What is the alternative to not be able to achieve a perfect partner? expend as much mental energy towards living in a fantasy state about them instead. Thats fine, until it wears off, its like wallpapering over cracks to deny they are there and will always remain so.

Anyway, all the things you have stated you want in a relationship are not unrealistic, not unattainable, ive had that sort of love in my life even at times when I felt depressed and unlovable, I had girlfriends who saw my uniqueness and there wasnt any 'work' involved. Coincidentally, the depression disappeared too. The more you can forget about her and write her off as not being a match, rather than blaming yourself (which is easy to do under those circumstances), keep the big world big picture in mind - there is not only "someone" out there who can make you happy, there are plenty. At the very least, they will make you far happier than where you found yourself here, crying and emotionally confused, hurt and unfullfilled.

When you were crying in front of her for 5minutes under a stopclock and she simply said "come on Sky how old are you" - isnt this something more in line what an uncaring, insensitive feckless parent would do to their child?

Sky dont beat yourself up for first of all, coming out of your own difficulties which by the sounds of it youve not had an easy time, then only to face increased workload of a relationship trying to make someone else happy and not getting anywhere with it. This is your recovery time to get back on your feet, you are in no position to be carrying someone elses burdens, I wasnt either, it takes it toll, especially when its not even what you really want and there isnt any joy or happiness as a result of trying. Or just enough to be kept on a hook and depriving the opportunity to be finding fulfillment elsewhere, eroding self esteem as each day passes until you doubt yourself you could even do better.

[HarborBP]

Hi Sky!
You know I am no expert, don't have an education in therapy, so my responses to you are just one human to another... .but I do care about you hurting (and others) and will keep being a friend, because I understand so much about what you are going thru, having a BPDexbf, and my DD.  I dont know if you've read any of my other posts in other threads, and the only reason I would like that is because I give so many examples of what I've seen, experienced and been thru with my BPD loved ones.  Having an altered wired brain does create absolute and easily identified changes in how a human being sees things, acts and reacts, etc.  The one absolute I know about my BPDex is that his brain was like a quarter turn off, (think like a clock, I and most are at 12 and his brain was always at 12:15)... .so, regardless of what I needed and what would be right, he never could and never would see things the way most see them, and of course, the way I would need him to see them in order to stop committing the offenses against me (he was abusive physically and also yelled at me for hours on end, often about things he thought that had never even crossed my mind).  So, for as long as I was with him, I was subject to his misunderstanding and hence, abuses.  I loved him like you love your ex... .our good times and intimacy were the most amazing connection I'd ever experienced so you just have no idea how bad I wanted to fix our differences so that we could have each other.  That said, the parts of his thinking that I could not change, influence, etc, were so detrimental as to cause our bad times to be so bad that my actual life was in danger.  Even if your life is not in danger here, the fact still remains that you are dealing with a person who, if like my ex, has a "broken brain" that is not and will not be capable of what you need in order to stay together and build and build and build on that togetherness.  That is the way I see it.

To that end, the short answer I would give you about going back is... .No, nomatter who and what, you never get back to what was. "it" always changes.  Just in what you've been thru since being departed the first time, do you think you would trust her with you?  I know you would absolutely want to, because you have loved her, but wanting to and being able to... .aren't they different?

Sky, this really isn't about your x anymore... .it's about you now.  ... .it's about accepting facts before you.  When you accept the fact FACT that you are dealing with someone who has literally a broken brain and cannot, nomatter how well YOU perform, see your commitment and love to her. She, in functioning, will either see you in an over or under capacity (idealize you then demonize you), and not see you as you really are with her.  You cant do anything at all to change this brokenness in her makeup, and nomatter what or who she is with, she will not be any better about these things... .everyone she deals with will experience her in this way... .and not be fulfilled or able to rest in their trust of her with their love. 

When you accept that you got involved with someone whose ability to experience a relationship in a normal and progressively growing capacity to love, and accept that while you love her and she loved you best she could, the whole "idea" of Sky and ex is more of an idea and not a thing that can truly be had... .I think you can move on.  That's what it took for me.  I accepted that my ex was broken in a way I didn't completely understand, but whether I understood it or not, I could never truly have him and him me, and we could never get to a place where we would be ok... .nomatter how much I loved him and wanted to get there with him.  The only way I could have "that"... .was if I took the steps to heal over my unrequited love and try again with someone else when I was healed from the loss and ready to love again.  So, that's what I did.  I left my uBPDex and went through the days and nights of reality checking with myself... .remembering, reminding and coming to accept until I didn't need to do it anymore, because I accepted the facts for what they were and moved on so that I would be in a place where I could actually get what I needed and wanted elsewhere.

I was absolutely lost for a period of time, while I went through this mourning and grieving process, and I accepted being lost, too.  I accepted that I had made a conscious decision to walk away from what I knew was love on both our parts, but even so, that song is so true... .baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

I will make you an absolute promise.  I absolutely promise that you can and will recover from this loss.  I absolutely promise that you can fully and completely love someone who can love you back and that you can actually find out that a "solid and stable" relationship will be, in the end, much more satisfying and rewarding than the one that was intensely good when it was, but also unreliable and unstable overall.  It took me a good while to get over and be ok after my BPDx, and I didn't date anyone during that period, but when I was ready, I met my husband who swept me off my feet and let me tell you... .and this is real, not puffed up or fake, I love my husband more than anyone on the planet and I did not have to compromise or lie to myself at all... .on the day I met him at the altar, I was absolutely positive that it was right for me and I had NO regrets about leaving my uBPDx... .

What you went thru with your BPDx was possibly more intense... .the good and the bad... .than it is with others who don't have BPD... .but at the end of the day, at a certain point, it does come down to whether someone can give you their all and mean it, or not... .On the day I married my husband I remember thinking to myself, the question about who will I love, or am I fully loved, and will I ever have to do a "break up" again and suffer that awful thing (and yes, break ups are unbelievably horrible)... .but on my marriage day, I knew those things would not happen in my life again (most likely), and they haven't... .and thank goodness... .

had I married my BPDex, even if I had married him, I would have never been able to trust that he was fully able to keep those vows to me, because there were things about his personality that kept him from being able to see those vows in a way that meant that nomatter what, he would keep every word of his bond to me, and more importantly, he would not ever have trusted me to keep mine to him, even if I had and did keep them.  The BPD made that type of black and white thinking an impossibility... .Some 20 years later, I know about my ex that he is still struggling and has been unable to settle in, even though he's been seeing three that I know of women and has wanted to do that.  So, his life has been how he was with me and would be with other women (because in the end it was not me, it was BPD, which is not something that can be "fixed")... .and I, having let go and chosen to move on, got the love I needed and wanted to complete that part of my life, and am in my 17th year of a strong marriage that is still extremely reliable.  I know my husband, and he knows me... .and even though the honeymoon ended a long time ago, we have a strong and solid connection and love and we always tell each other, as long as the other is living on this planet, we will be trying to get to each other and be together to do life... .in all its forms... .and nomatter what.

I think deep deep deep down at its core... .even though you love this young lady, what you really desire, even more than her, is for YOU to have that deep connection with another.  Give yourself a chance to have that by not holding on to another person as much as you hold on to your own self and your own dreams for yourself.  Put you first and all other things will fall in line as they should, can and would, if only you would love you first.  The better your love for yourself, the better your love for your partner will be... .

((virtual hugs!)

Love on the Rocks- your post was fabulous, from start to finish. Reading it was like playing back a tape recording of the last 3+ years of my relationship with a bgf.

Thank you,
HarborBP

[Sky07]

Cromwell, I'm going through a down period again. It just hurts.

I never pressured her to be with me. We were great friends and she knew I had feelings for her but I never asked for anything. I was determined to be a good friend.

Then a year later, she started flirting with me and doing the push and pull, even then I gave all the power to her. I let her choose. She tried to kiss me once and I stopped her and told her, I'm not like others, even a kiss means a lot to me so to think this through. Imagine, if a kiss holds so much meaning to me then what a relationship actually means. It stopped her on her tracks then but then another day, she did kiss me. I let it happen and still didn't pressure her.

When she asked me to be her girlfriend, I asked her TWICE, "Are you sure?" because I knew it would mean everything for me and she knew the importance of it too.

To find out that even BEFORE being with me, she felt that she didn't want to marry me and that her love felt forced as a big heartbreak and to read that even AFTER she asked me out, she still didn't feel like she would marry me and that we would both be "missing out" if we did get married, crushed me. This is the person I asked "Are you sure?" and she said "Yes"

This is the person I gave my kisses, my love, my body and my soul to. This is a person I trusted their words. I trusted them. This was my friend! This is someone I cared about and supported even when I was just a friend. She could have just taken my care and support as a friend, let us remain best of friends, I didn't ask for anything when I was her friend. I didn't even ask her to be with me.

She knew I had feelings for her from Day 1, and knew I wouldn't do anything about it. I was the respectful and supportive friend I could be. She even wrote that she knew she was going to break my heart then why ask me out, why do that? She had so many other women who were after her, she had all the choices in the world. I wouldn't have cared if she had gone through all them, I would have still been the supportive friend. I thought she cared for me as a friend to not do that to me.

It's one of the questions I cannot get answered. Why me? Why ___ over your best friend? If you needed care and support, I would have given it freely, even as a friend, why break my heart? And take everything from me?

Your ex referred to you as "one of a kind", I'm not even that, as per the diary extract, I'm not even close to her usual crushes. I don't make her feel the passionate feelings, she doesn't feel those feelings with me. I was even idealised. Lol, I feel like I suck. Everyone's pwBPD idealised them before discarding them, mine didn't even do that. I was just a commoner. I wasn't even unique to her. She was special to me. I wanted her by my side all the time, being with her made me happy. I integrated her in my life so much that whatever thing I do, I either want her there with me or I want to message her to tell her all about it. Me? I had to beg for her love, her attention, her time, her presence... .I wanted to be part of her life so much.

What hurts is I gave things that were sacred to me to her, based on the belief that she loved me when she never did. I gave myself. If it's not deceit, it's not being used then I don't know what it is. Why would you do that to your best friend when you have so much other women to choose from? Why? Why would you do that to someone you don't even idealise, you don't feel passion with, you feel that your emotions are forced? Why? Why?

She could have just said I want to stay just friends like she did a billion times during her push and pull period and my answer would have been the same as it was then, "Ok". It was cruel to give me the very thing I have been yearning for, for more than a year then to realise that it was all fake. I always wore a pair of rings, that looked like matching wedding rings and she took one to wear and pranced around calling herself my "wife". It's just wrong and even her having BPD, doesn't give her any right or excuse to do this. Then she broke my heart and my friendships by calling me "abusive".

When you were crying in front of her for 5minutes under a stopclock and she simply said "come on Sky how old are you" - isnt this something more in line what an uncaring, insensitive feckless parent would do to their child?

When she said that, I was on my knees crying and begging. Then I got up after she said that. After asking for time to speak to her, she gave me 5 mins on the timer, there was no way I could tell her what I had to say in five minutes... .all I ended up doing in that 5 minutes was telling that I love her, multiple times. When the timer rang, she said goodbye and left. There wasn't even a drop of empathy, she didn't shed a tear. Her face and eyes were set in stone.

That was my best friend and partner, folks. When you have people like that, who needs enemies, right? I'm choking tears as I write this. Finding her diary entries gave me the truth but it hurts like I've never imagined.

The stupid thing is I still love her... .

~ Sky

[Cromwell]

Hi Sky

She has bullied you but its up to your own self if you decide to give legitimacy to any words that she chooses to use.

Even - if - she believes them, that still doesnt make them fact.

if the mutual friends care to listen and are too thick to know that there are always two sides to every story, or not know her well/long enough to know what she is like, theres not much lost there.
You tried Sky and its been hurtful and raw to go through but the way out leads at the same time to the opening of new opportunities.

You could write a blog too, and put down how you feel now. Then forget about it and look back 30 years later. Whatever will change in that time span is down to you and how you choose to let you feel.

none of this is in the heart, its in the head - your in control no-one else.

I was painted black as well, even if I choose to believe it, what has that to do with today, my future or my happiness? Why did she hang around with me if i was so bad? If no-one here can convince you that you werent the abuser, think about forgiving yourself for 'being one' and you can lead a different life from here on, all options and opportunities are open here. I dont believe you truly believe it, or her blog though.

she slipped up Sky, her 5 minutes of putting you through that is your ticket out. the mask slipped and this is just the hurt of having rose tinted glasses smacked off rather than graciously removed yourself over time.

[Sky07]

Hi Cromwell,

I'm not up to writing in a blog but I write here and in my journal. It was hard for me to write here because I'm not to put my issues out in the open like that. Even when I had fights with my ex, I preferred to solve it with her instead of speaking it to other people.

It was hard but with the help of my psychologist and also my ex's diary entries, I was able to realise that it's not me. I sure made mistakes and was invalidating, angry at some point but nothing a normal person wouldn't do. I'm not abusive. I am slowly making peace with the fact that my friends deserted me. They don't know the whole story, only the fact that my ex called me "abusive" and the fact that she said it first seals the deal for them. With these diary entries, I have concrete evidence that I was the one who has been used this whole time. The thing is, I'm not going to go try proving my innocence to people who don't care, who deserted me without knowing the whole story. Plus the diary entries are private to my ex (even if she publishes it to the world on that blog) because it is different for anonymous people in the world to read her words vs her friends reading them. So I'm not going to show her words to our friends, because I'm not that kind of person. It sucks though, I had evidence of my innocence that I cannot show to the people that believe her stories, because it would breach her anonymity and I don't want to do that.

I'm not abusive. I know that, I just want others to know it, I wanted these friends who threw me aside to know it too. But I'm slowly letting go. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt though. I took these people as my family.

I don't believe her accusations that I'm abusive but I believe her blog where she writes that she doesn't feel passion for me, didn't want to marry me. I believe that, because I noticed, as her friend, how she chased people she idealised, her crushes. She never chased me like that. Probably because she knew I already loved her and would come to her anyway.

I have stopped reading her blog because it keeps me connected to her and it hurts to read what she writes. The last time she wrote about a fling ghosting her and that made her feel like trash. I half cried, half laughed at that, cried because she is out there having flings and it breaks my heart, laughed because she is getting a taste of her own medicine of ghosting people and yet she cannot see how ghosting me would have hurt me. It doesn't compute in her brain. It's so extremely weird.

One thing I have ruminating in my brain currently is I'm scared that one day I will bump into her and rip her apart with her own words, I will recite her exact words from the blog to her and ask her why she used me.

~ Sky

[Cromwell]

Sky

youve dealt with problems before - you moved country and resettled into a new life if i remember correctly?

your in your 20s, have a big heart that someone out there is waiting for the chance.

and you tell me you are "scared" to bump into an ex.

I was scared too, and beyond the stalking, I did eventually bump into her. Only when it happened I wasnt scared, she was.

your not on this board because you are pining for lost love, neither was I, if it were true we wouldnt have registered in the first place. Its a detaching board, if I truly loved her id be messaging her on facebook, so would you, trying to get back love.

or are you saying you love her but have given up?

you know, one thing i learned the most out of this year long therapy, sometimes I had feelings that I thought were true, that didnt make them so.

how can you love someone that you have a catalogue of questions about. I thought a pre requisite of loving a person entails actually

"knowing" them?

thats just me though Sky and im not seeking to invalidate.

at least you found out enough - before marriage and kids.

I felt sorry for my ex because she had issues, having issues myself I thought I could relate.

Pity or feeling sorry for someone isnt love though.

[Sky07]

Cromwell, thank you for your replies, they help a lot.

I do love her. I was her friend for a full year before we got together and I had feelings for her then. I felt something for her since I first saw her. She was diagnosed with BPD about a month after she asked me out and I didn't know exactly what it was and I never really looked into it, that was my foolishness because I wanted to let her deal with her own issues. I was trying not to take her issues as my own.

She told me to not contact her and then she blocked me everywhere and I do mean everywhere. I sent her a letter a month after the breakup and never received any response. Only after reading her diary entries on that blog that I learnt that she never read it.

I sent messages to her phone that was never replied to, I tried calling and the phone was never picked up. Don't know if I'm blocked on there so the messages never got received, the calls never truly rang on her side. Some friends (before they unfriended me) told me that she said not to contact her and I should respect her boundaries. I still tried, like I said I sent a letter and messages... .There are 2 reasons I have stopped:

1. I begged on my knees in front of her before and she didn't care. I'm not going to beg ever again.

2. When I was trying, I thought I was "abusive" and that's why she left, that she still loved me. After her diary entries, I realised that she doesn't love me, never has. And she is off having crushes left and right, falling in love with her crushes within a month of our breakup and having flings. I am in pain here over this breakup because I do really love her and she has moved on. Would it have been so easy for her to move on if she really loved me? I don't think so but BPD makes that stuff easy for her.

So I'm on this board because there is no other place I can be. I do love her, I love her so much but she doesn't. Doesn't matter how much I can love her, she doesn't reciprocate so there is no other option than to detach.

You mention that the pre-requisite of loving a person entails actually "knowing" them. Truth is, you can never know someone fully and love is a journey to know them. One day when my ex was avoiding me, I told her "I don't understand why you avoid me so much. I want to spend time with you. I feel there is so much more to know about you whereas you seem like you don't care."

I don't fall for people easily. I don't fall in love easily. Like I mentioned before, I don't even kiss people without having feelings involved. It was 7 years after my breakup with my first ex before I fell in love with her. She wasn't interested for the full year we stayed friends and I was ok with that yet I still shed tears for unrequited love then. I did love her Cromwell and I still do. And that's what hurts, you know.

I had unrequited love for a year and she then finally loved me. I felt like I hit the jackpot. Now, it was all a mirage and I'm back to unrequited love... .but it hurts to have had her and lost her. It hurt less when I never had her in the first place.

~ Sky

[Cromwell]

I understand fully Sky, but please remember that this is exactly how you feel now at this moment in time, none of us have a crystal ball in life and im sure when you finally got a chance to be with her, you were overjoyed and didnt want to ever think that anything like this would happen.

But you were with her - its happened and its upset you, at this moment in time it feels excruciatingly painful, but you will find as your life goes on and meet new people, new experiences it wont be.

I think im with you when you say that you love and get to know as a journey, I also loved my ex for the person I thought I knew, I think it makes it actually easier for me as long as I keep that purely for what it factually is; a memory and crystallised in time.

You still love your ex today, despite what shes done, thats fine but on a practical level - there is little stopping you from leading a life without her now, who knows what the next relationship will bring.

Im sure you will approach it not 100% the same way too, think of what youve been through as strengthened once you get over it rather than a fatal blow. I never saw it that way but I did eventually and it has helped rather than hindrance.

its... .experience Sky 

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Sky:
I've been out of pocket for a bit, because I take various things in my life in doses.  I'm like a sponge, sometimes I need to refill before I dry out and need to get filled.  For that cause, I only come on this site and others that have "emotional pulls" as I can.  I have never understood how a person can TRULY give and give all day in a therapy situation, but perhaps they aren't giving so much as practicing a routine of responses?

Listen to your big sister, Sky.  Please.  I am 52 years old and have been around the block (several times, actually).  Sure, I have the BPDs in my life, but I have also had regular ol' relationships, too and have learned quite a bit from those experiences, too.
It's time, in my opinion, for Sky to "get real" with Sky about what was and what was not, and stop hurting herself. One of the most painful parts of this scenario you are describing is, imo, what you have done to yourself or allowed yourself to do in the name of "love."  I think you need to reread this sentence I wrote a LOT of times. For that cause, Im gonna repeat it again.
 
It's time, in my opinion, for Sky to "get real" with Sky about what was and what was not, and stop hurting herself. One of the most painful parts of this scenario you are describing is, imo, what you have done to yourself or allowed yourself to do in the name of "love."  I think you need to reread this sentence I wrote a LOT of times. 


The reason she was so flip in so many ways is that she never was vested in the way you were in her.  I've lived that scenario before.  As I read your posts, I recalled several such relationships I found myself in where the same was the case.  It was easy for them to walk away and for them to move on, because they were never "in it" like I was.  I hate to admit, the alternate has also been the case in my life, and I have not been "into" the other person the way they were "into" me.  Who knows why this is the case sometimes?  At the end of the day, I had to write off these "failed connections" that WERE NOT made, because for whatever reason, they just weren't. I can guess that your ex decided to try to to fall in love with you like you were in love with her, so she tried, but try as she might, the chemistry and "stuff" needed to have that response to someone else just wasn't there for whatever reason... .they just werent. She took a chance to see if she could "get there" where you were, and found that she couldn't.  That caused the loss of a friendship, which is what is so sad, really... .

What made this so bad for you was that you really wanted it and would have given your eye tooth to have it.  Sky, that is a typical scene for many of us in our early 20s... .we find ourselves on the giving or receiving end of such things, and even though it would be convenient for people for these true desires convert to everlasting love, they just dont... .so we have to let go and actively... .ACTIVELY... .make a firm decision within ourselves to accept that this is the case and let go... .LET IT GO... .as quickly as we can... .in order to free ourselves and our mind to pursue other ventures and adventures.  We do have to go through the grieving process, it's true, but if we decide within ourselves to help ourselves move through it as quickly and conveniently as possible, we can get it done and over with relatively soon... .or we can brood for months on end, and be miserable during that entire time.  It really is a choice, Sky. 

I am the kind of person who when I lose a pet, I can relatively soon thereafter get another to love.  I know other people who lose a pet and for years, say they can't get another one, because it hurts too bad and is so soon.  My attitude about it is this... .the pet that I lost will never be replaced, they were who they were and what we had when they were alive was fantastic and nothing will ever change that.  Having said that, I would never try to replace them, BUT... .there are other pets out there who are in need of the kind of love I have to give a pet (and I love pets from the bottom of my toes to the top of my hair, with all of me)... .so, even though I lost a pet I adored, I can give another one my true undying love, and it will make them happy, and you know what?... .IT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY, TOO!   Why spend all this time alone brooding over the loss of a pet and at the same time, deny another pet my love... .especially when, if I have no pets, I am so lonely and want to love one?

Sky, people are truly the same way.  You can spend endless time brooding over this failed connection... .and that's what it was... .the true love thing just didn't launch with you two... .or you can free your mind and your soul to be available for someone who you may be able to connect with.  It's a fact... .in our young age, there is every possibility that you are going to have to try and fail a few times with a few people until that ultimate connection is made... .so, my dear friend, you have to be prepared to lose in order to win... .and be resilient in the process, or you are gonna lose valuable time and age endlessly in the process of licking your wounds. Regardless of what you are doing, I can pretty much assure you that she has moved on and isn't pining away for you... .I know that hurts, but as a friend who cares and wants to see you through this process, I am going to be honest enough with you to share the truth with you.  ,,,and quite frankly, we... .you me and all of us who are PRO SKY dont really care about what she is or isn't doing, because she ISNT the one for you... .and the sooner she is honestly out of the picture and someone who could and may very well be the right one IS in the picture... .the better... .

Frankly, you are one of the "good ones" and there is another "good one" out there who is attentive to who they are, caring and intentionally sincere with others... .and that "good one" is lonely right now and may be waiting for you right this minute to meet them and take away their loneliness and endlessly long nights... .so, we gotta get you up and moving on, so you can be there with them, and they with you.  Lets move on from ms. wrong so we are available and anxiously waiting to meet Ms. Right!
(insert cheeky smile here).

Im giving you the real here today, my sweet young friend.  I know it's harsh and I am literally telling you to pick yourself up from your boot straps, dust yourself off and DECIDE to move on from this failed catastrophe, because sweetie, it's time for you to choose happy... .and set yourself free.

Oh, and you won't be able to do that until you forgive yourself for the begging.  You are ashamed of yourself within yourself that you lowered yourself to that level for ms wrong... .it's ok, many of us have done that and we have to tell ourselves that in the future, we aren't going to do this to ourselves... .because most of this is about you and not the other person.  When you realized she didn't love you like you wanted her to, you lowered yourself and begged and would have done anything and inside yourself, your self respect and self esteem got CRUSHED when you put someone who didn't deserve that from you ahead of yourself... .so... .look at that, shake your head and say to yourself that in future, you are going to love Sky first and foremost, recommit to loving you and NEVER loving someone who doesn't deserve that kind of love from you... .and baby, set yourself free to love again.  It's all good and as ol'granny LoTR always says... .YOU DESERVE IT... .you are an awesome person ... .and someone out there needs that awesome you to love!

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Forgot to mention in my last post, a few do's and dont's as you help yourself get to a place where you are able and open minded about the fact that you need another "pet" to love (this was a pun intended to reference my previous post where I said there is another pet out there who needs and wants to be loved, and even though we can't replace our previous pet, we can love another one... .)... .
Sky, you are a human and we were built to love... .to give it, to receive it... .and we are happiest when we are able to do that, in any capacity.  Friends and animals and eventually, we do find people we can be more involved with, and that's great, too... .but no ONE is the be all end all to filling our "love" capacitor... .we need all sorts of "love" interests... .some romantic and some not... .but we love, that's who we are and what we are, and we can seek and find others to love.

In this time while you are recovering from a lost romantic love interest, I always break out what I call the "break up" songs.  My rules are, no love songs during this time... .they make me sad.  No, for me, I break out songs like Usher's "let it burn" and so forth.  I strengthen myself with this music that "talks junk" and empowers me, making me feel like moving on and letting that person who "wasnt worth me anyway" get on out of my head and my world.
I also refuse all forms of romantic movies unless they are comedies and are sure to make me feel better and encourage me and give me the strength to desire what is better for me anyway.
I take care of me by feeding my mind and my emotions things that don't drag me down, but lift me up.
I just wanted to encourage you with my remedies, and if any of them work for you, that's awesome!