Preempting separation...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. Only just have learned about BPD, and the description fits like a glove for my best friend. We've known each other for less than a year, but it's been intense as we both work at the same company and live far away from our families. There's an incredible mutual understanding between the two of us, owing to similar backgrounds, etc.; essentially, a lot of substance there that I don't want to give up.

Since I've known her, she's made things extremely difficult. Most of her friendships don't last more than 4 months, so I'm a total outlier here. Her biggest issues are the interpersonal -- accountability and commitment, etc. I think she is a "quiet" BPD -- she's never once been vituperative towards me, and I can only guess this says something about how much she esteems me. (But I'm also aware that she may devalue me in private, as I've heard her devalue the few other folks in her life who she truly cares about.) She's been inexplicably cold and rude to me so many times; I realized early on that holding this behavior against her would be counterproductive, so I don't bring it up, but it also feels as if my constant forgiveness just worsens her fear of me, for it proves to her how much I care for her and that proof of love in turn scares her.

A bit of a crisis set in recently, as it's turned out she has to leave our company for an acquired branch. I think it's set off her fear of abandonment. In the wake of her finding out, she was needy and clingy (and ashamed of that fact), wanting reassurance from me; but now that reality's sunken in, she's begun to distance herself from me, I guess to mentally prepare herself for when she actually leaves. She rarely reaches out to me anymore. Strangely, if I reach out to her, she'll respond almost desperately, as if she's missed me or is amazed that I am still interested in her. I just want to get back to our closeness, but it's as if she refuses to admit any of the love.

I don't know how to proceed. I'm so afraid of losing my hold on her, of not being able to get through to her once she's physically away. She is incredibly slippery and hard to get a hold of if you're not in her immediate proximity. Lack of object constancy. I want her to get that I'm still here for her, but I don't know how to show her that care without freaking her out. I think I have BPD traits myself moreover, and I think I may have formed an attachment to her the way she has to me. :/  Both of us are sort of desperate, as well as afraid, and unsure how to show any of this.

That's the long-short of it... .Any thoughts are much appreciated. Just have needed to talk this out.

[paleblue]

Hi all. Only just have learned about BPD, and the description fits like a glove for my best friend. We've known each other for less than a year, but it's been intense as we both work at the same company and live far away from our families. There's an incredible mutual understanding between the two of us, owing to similar backgrounds, etc.; essentially, a lot of substance there that I don't want to give up.

Since I've known her, she's made things extremely difficult. Most of her friendships don't last more than 4 months, so I'm a total outlier here. Her biggest issues are the interpersonal -- accountability and commitment, etc. I think she is a "quiet" BPD -- she's never once been vituperative towards me, and I can only guess this says something about how much she esteems me. (But I'm also aware that she may devalue me in private, as I've heard her devalue the few other folks in her life who she truly cares about.) She's been inexplicably cold and rude to me so many times; I realized early on that holding this behavior against her would be counterproductive, so I don't bring it up, but it also feels as if my constant forgiveness just worsens her fear of me, for it proves to her how much I care for her and that proof of love in turn scares her.

A bit of a crisis set in recently, as it's turned out she has to leave our company for an acquired branch. I think it's set off her fear of abandonment. In the wake of her finding out, she was needy and clingy (and ashamed of that fact), wanting reassurance from me; but now that reality's sunken in, she's begun to distance herself from me, I guess to mentally prepare herself for when she actually leaves. She rarely reaches out to me anymore. Strangely, if I reach out to her, she'll respond almost desperately, as if she's missed me or is amazed that I am still interested in her. I just want to get back to our closeness, but it's as if she refuses to admit any of the love.

I don't know how to proceed. I'm so afraid of losing my hold on her, of not being able to get through to her once she's physically away. She is incredibly slippery and hard to get a hold of if you're not in her immediate proximity. Lack of object constancy. I want her to get that I'm still here for her, but I don't know how to show her that care without freaking her out. I think I have BPD traits myself moreover, and I think I may have formed an attachment to her the way she has to me. :/  Both of us are sort of desperate, as well as afraid, and unsure how to show any of this.

That's the long-short of it... .Any thoughts are much appreciated. Just have needed to talk this out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi paleblue, and

i can hear the worry in your post over the prospect of losing your friend 

do the two of you live close together? outside of work, how often do you see each other and spend time together?

[Radcliff]

Let me join once removed in welcoming you.  When two people are both having a fears of losing attachment, things can get bumpy indeed.  Our emotions can go all over the place.  It's a good sign that you recognize some of your own attachment issues, because that's the first step in changing our approach to one that works better for us.  Can you tell us more about your own feelings and behaviors that may be making things more difficult?  You mentioned that you don't have family nearby.  Do you have other people you spend time with who could form part of a broader support system?

RC

[paleblue]

Hi there, thank you both so much for replying.

My friend and I do live close together, but her BPD-related social anxiety about seeing friends outside of work is so terrible that we hardly ever meet up outside of work, only do about once every 2 months. I am starting to wonder if I should move in with her to ensure that we will be in regular contact. Most of her social anxiety revolves around instigating interactions; I think it would help her a lot if I was always just in her reach. Months ago we did broach the possibility of my moving in, but we shied from it ultimately, worried it would be too much time together. She came to resent her previous roommate, and I didn't want her to resent me if she started to see me too much -- though now I realize that this "resentment" is devaluation, and probably indicative of a love beneath that.

Both me and my friend have lived in this city for several years, but neither of us has any other friends here who are as close. I'm trying to revitalize older friendships that had fallen by the wayside, because I do need to broaden my support system, but there's no telling how long it will take for that to happen. On top of that, many of my work friends and I have strayed apart since I was promoted and am now far busier at work. So for now and for the near future, I'm very isolated.

All that said, I've really never had a friend who I've cared for more than this friend, and it would be very difficult to replace her. I'm remembering that there's a reason I began neglecting other friendships when I met her... .the other ones were just so much less fulfilling. :/

[once removed]

I am starting to wonder if I should move in with her to ensure that we will be in regular contact. Most of her social anxiety revolves around instigating interactions; I think it would help her a lot if I was always just in her reach. Months ago we did broach the possibility of my moving in, but we shied from it ultimately, worried it would be too much time together.

it would be a pretty huge step to try to support someone, paleblue, with a lot of potential consequences. how would it work for you?

All that said, I've really never had a friend who I've cared for more than this friend, and it would be very difficult to replace her. I'm remembering that there's a reason I began neglecting other friendships when I met her... .the other ones were just so much less fulfilling. :/

what do you find fulfilling about this friendship vs others?

[paleblue]

Thank you again for replying.

Both of us work so much that I don't think it'd be too much to live together, now that she's soon going to be working elsewhere. I've already accepted that there is a lot of emotional labour involved in our friendship, butI'm prepared for that and it feels worth it to me. (Besides, my current living situation is exhausting in itself, because I don't feel comfortable with my current roommate.) Much of my stress with my pwBPD friend revolves around not having access to her, so I think it might actually alleviate stress in our friendship to live with her.

That being said, I also realize that if things happen to go awry I may not have any ready way out of an uncomfortable environment... .Anytime things have become tense between us, though, over an antic of hers (usually her bailing on a commitment), the tension has never lasted long. I don't think we've ever had a "standoff" for more than a day. I do know there'd be some awkwardness for a while if we were to move in together, about the implicit intimacy, but I think that would go away with time, once we'd configured our dynamic in the space? Well, it'd be a risk.

I find this friendship so fulfilling because she's one of the smartest people I've ever met. Also, we have the same interests, the same cultural background, and a mutual understanding of our similar traumas in childhood. I've never had a friend before who understands me so intuitively, and I think she may feel the same way about me.

[once removed]

any update paleblue? have you reached a decision or further considered moving in with your friend?

[paleblue]

Hi once removed. Thank you for asking. I haven't spoken to her about it yet because I haven't had a chance to. She finally left the company recently, and it's been hard to get a hold of her since. I'm worried I may not see her again for a long time. It's been deeply upsetting for me, I don't know what to do.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear about your concern about losing contact with her.  The extra background you gave on why her friendship is special to you helps us understand your situation better.  How have you been doing?

RC