New Member: I don't know what to DO about a husband who is falling apart

[Tessarae]

Thank you to Skip and Cat for extending welcome.

After 16 years of a high conflict marriage, I am coming face to face with some heartbreaking possibilities. I believe I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I believe there may be something happening within my partner that goes beyond 'the bell shaped curve'. I know he becomes emotionally dysregulated and that I am his only target. I believe his behavior is getting worse.

We have two amazing, grounded, healthy, secure BEAUTIFUL children. My daughter just turned 16 and my son just turned 12. They have grown up in one home with daily contact and deep closeness with both their mother and father. While they have undoubtedly picked up on periods of deep tension and emotional remoteness (between my spouse and I), they have never witnessed abuse or damaging conflict (no yelling, insults, put downs, etc.- he is careful to wait until kids are not around). I can not express in words the pain I would be willing to endure (and do endure) to save them the devastation of breaking up the family. To do so will impact their development at a most critical time. I believe their well being is my responsibility beyond any personal happiness.

My partner- no flashing warning signs of disorder before or outside the marriage to me. Reasonably successful career (though never survived having a boss for very long- always needs to be an 'entrepreneur'), intact friendships when I met him, no addiction, self abuse, wild mood swings (other than with me), suicidal thoughts or attempts, no impulsive patterns of recklessness. A couple longer term romantic relationships (high school and college). He came to the realization in his late 30's that he has had a history of anxiety/depression and began medication which helped 'take the edge off' and brought some improvement to our marriage. On the surface he is a positive, grounded person.

He is often loving, tender, supportive. He does not seek to control me (at least in any obvious ways)- he is encouraging of me having space, outside friendships, career success, etc. He has always been willing to 'work on our marriage' and has never refused couples counseling. At one of our lowest points, he agreed to individual (completed six months) therapy. He is seeing an individual therapist now (for about six sessions thus far). He is still in love with me. I still have feelings for him. Four months ago he planned an amazing anniversary trip, we re-connected profoundly and I imagined that I could grow old with him.

So... .when this last cycle of 'conflict' hit me HARD and someone close to me sent me an article on BPD, I felt... .disappointed. This friend clearly didn't understand. My husband didn't in any way fit the criteria for this serious mental illness. What was she thinking... .But then I kept reading and I felt chills of recognition.

When I 'trigger' my husband, within seconds he can escalate to someone I do not recognize. The first sign is he begins talking over me, ignoring any prompts. His tone becomes so hostile it's withering. He shifts to black and white thinking- "You always/never". When it's a bad episode, he attacks my personhood ("you are a manipulator"). He brings in negative advocates ("my mother and uncle warned me I shouldn't have married you"). He ascribes ill intent in everything about me ("you don't care about our marriage, you only care about winning"; "you don't care about what I think or feel"; "you can't tolerate any opinion that doesn't fit yours"; "you dominate and squash me";). His empathy becomes impaired. Even when I am in fetal position crying, the poison stays in his system and he will move around the house not talking to me- as if I slept with his best friend, not failed him in some unintentional way or committed a 'normal' misstep in the context of a  marriage.

Eventually he wants me back. Rarely with remorse or apology, but begins to make overtures- reaching for my hand, sending me an optimistic/positive note, asking for a date night, etc... .I then begin my negotiation and pleas. I want him to understand how he hurt me. I seek justice- I am not the person you say that I am. I am a good person. I am your wife and mother of your children. He will accept responsibility and pledge to "do a better job of talking about how he feels" or some such promise. Because detachment is so painful (for me, for my fear of hurting the kids), and because I miss my 'other husband', we reconnect with passion.

Triggers for my husband are when I 'become emotional' (he often perceives my affect of '4' as a '7 or 8'); when I talk too long and he feels 'flooded'; when he feels I have judged or criticized him; when he feels he can't hold his own position (he feels or thinks something that runs counter to what I believe or need- something about which I have no issue-disagreeing and sometimes not being able to have one's needs met by their partner is part and parcel of marriage).

I am facing that brutal truth that something is not right here. We are on our FIFTH marriage counselor. I have tried finding a way for his words to just pass through me (not be hurt by him), I have brought him to workshops and classes on communication skills. I have written contracts, begged, threatened, reasoned, rewarded, cajoled. The behavior is not getting better. It is getting worse. HE DOES NOT BELIEVE HE HAS A PROBLEM. He claims that is our 'dynamic' and unless I demonstrate change in my behavior, he is not going to work on his.

Last- a brief bit about me. I have never experienced trauma (no abuse, assault, abandonment or neglect) outside this marriage. I have NONE of the caretaker tendencies. I have solid self esteem. I have NEVER wanted to save any man. Before my husband, I have never accepted anything but kindness and respect in any romantic relationship. I went into marriage thinking I had an equal, emotionally intelligent adult partner. I am waking up to a nightmare.

The reason I am posting today: my house is crumbling down around me. Last night he became so dysregulated that he told me he is moving forward with divorce. He emailed our couples therapist asking to cancel the rest of our appointments because he has decided he is done. The trigger- I told him that I was not yet reading the relationship book that our therapist recommended. That was it. I wasn't able to get a word in edgewise. There was no moment when I was able to describe WHY I had not done this... .there was no time that I communicated that I was done trying (although I have considered it daily). It was one moment of 'abandonment'- he wanted to talk about the 'couple bubble' (all vulnerability and tenderness in his voice). When I told him I hadn't yet started reading this book (because I need some safety before I'm going to try vulnerability again)- he lost it completely.

The kids are still protected (though my 16 year old knows more than I had ever hoped). I left the house (for 'yoga') and didn't interact with him. I asked him (cc:'ing our couples therapist) if he would please attend our next session- that our therapist can help us even if we are not working on the marriage and that I need her support.

I am so stressed. I am scared. I am confused. If there were no children, I would have been long gone by now. The idea of permanently impacting the emotional and psychological development of two children in the most vulnerable of stages is unbearable to me. Splitting the family would be beyond devastating. The idea of learning how to 'manage' a broken person for the next six years also feels unbearable. How does one grieve the loss of a romantic partner and emotionally detach from that 'other person' (the good husband I miss so much) who still occasionally inhabits this monstrous impostor?

I don't know what to DO. I don't know if it matters that I know definitively what (if anything) is WRONG (a diagnosis) with my husband. Does it change my course of action? Do I find a way to live with him? His behavior over the last three months has become SO extreme, I can not imagine a path remains to any intimate, adult relationship with this man. And that breaks my heart. Do I 'leave' him but somehow stay in the same home to co-parent? The pain is so profound yet I have to figure out how to take care of myself, parent(while projecting joy and strength), conduct a job search and FUNCTION through all of this.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Tessarae,

i feel the pain and confusion in your post. im glad you reached out for support.

obviously, hopefully this latest incident blows over. and it may, or it may not. has he ever mentioned divorce prior to this?

do you know if there are any major stressors going on for him in the last months, outside of the relationship?

[Radcliff]

As a veteran of a long marriage to a spouse with BPD while raising three teenagers, your story really hit home with me. 

First, don't worry about a diagnosis.  A diagnosis can be elusive, and can require the cooperation of someone who probably doesn't want to be diagnosed.  Pushing to get one can worsen conflict.  Concern yourself with observable behaviors.  The behaviors and their impact on you provide you with the info you need to guide the development of coping skills and to make decisions.

I empathize with your reluctance to break up the family that you believe appears normal and healthy to your kids.  I've been there.  They are being impacted.  And so are you.  You matter as a person in your own right.  As you've said, the current situation is untenable.

Rather than burden yourself with a decision to stay or go in the relationship, consider making a commitment to learning the coping tools that we teach here to make living with a pwBPD less unhealthy for you, and to help you avoid making things worse (while we are often the "healthier" ones, when we're early on the learning curve about BPD, we usually find that many of our behaviors are making things worse).

This is a huge burden for you to carry.  You are not alone.  Use this community as part of your support system.  Are there other people in your life who you talk talk to honestly about what is going on?  Do you have your own therapist?

RC

[Tessarae]

RC-

When one is at lowest points in life, appreciation for small gifts and acts of grace are heightened. Your reply to my Post was one such gift. Everything you said makes complete sense and really helps to ground me.

I am incredibly grateful and strengthened by finding  a therapist this week who specializes in BPD/trauma reactivity. She seems like she will be a really good fit.

I know the road ahead is incredibly hard. I don't know whether I will be successful in the behaviors and 'mental model' required if I am to stay in the relationship (another month or year or decade). But, it's a tremendous relief just to begin to have some clarity and a path emerging.

I will be required to practice some new skills today in couples therapy as I try to walk my husband back away from the cliff (divorce as a weapon to hurt back, not as a rationale decision) and de-escalate. From there I will begin the work. I know that (on my own) I must build skills and STRENGTH to prepare myself for either outcome- trying to live with and love someone who is unable to regulate their emotions or separating from him.

When I falter and start to choke on resentment (I never signed up for this)- I will draw upon my Mamma Bear energy. The kids are depending upon my strength and stability to guide us through.

Thank you immensely for the support. This community will be an invaluable resource.

[once removed]

any update Tessarae? how are you doing today?