Too good to leave, too bad to stay

[Cailin]

My life is great. My physical needs are met, my children are taken care of (children from a previous marriage) I can work or not work. My lifestyle and home are exactly what I want to be doing. I’m a farmer, a rancher, a mom, a School Psychologist. I work with women in a DV shelter. I have wonderful and fulfilling relationships with all 6 of my kids, my friends and family. If I want to travel I travel, I travel. If I want to start a new farming venture I do that. I am well known  in our town because of our family business.
So, what’s the problem? Why am I complaining? Can’t I just be appreciative of what I have and be happy? Is it me? Am I sabotaging my own happiness?
It’s 4am and I’m staring into the fire, trying to cope with  my husband’s last BPD rage from 2 days ago. At least now I no longer believe his horrific descriptions of my alleged infidelity, narcissism and mistreatment of him. I get that he has been trying to turn me into his offender for 7 years, and at times I have been more than happy to be complicit in this deadly dance. He has beat me, chased me with knives, threaten to crash the vehicle and kill us both. He has gotten help, been medicated, improved, then relapsed. He has gone to AA, been remorseful, vowed to changed, owned all his behavior, then turned around in the course of a half hour phone conversation and made me into Malevolence itself. He has been diagnosed with BPD, only to come out and make the statement that doctors don’t diagnose him with BPD, it’s only the narcissists that label him such. He’s highly intelligent and an excellent provider. He is my worst nightmare.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Hi Cailin- your situation is understandable and I think not unusual for a relationship with a high functioning person. I think few people are all good or all bad, and that there is good in many relationships, even dysfunctional ones.

I think the arguments and accusations are manageable- there are a lot of tools to use to help reduce drama in relationships. These aren't easy to deal with but what is more concerning to me is the physical threats to your safety. Being beaten, chased with knives is a serious consideration.

I think it helps to learn about the tools on this board for managing emotional drama in a relationship. We can not manage another person's feelings or behavior but we can learn tools to reduce our role in the drama and how to respond. This can help no matter what direction the relationship takes.

Although the person with the disorder would benefit from therapy and AA groups, they have to do that part in the work. It often takes both people to work on their situation. Have you had any therapy or considered working with a therapist to help you sort out your situation?

[juju2]

Cailin. There is nothing wrong.


You have done the right thing by reaching out, here.    This is a huge community of caring people.

You do not have to have any answers.

Be still.


Take good care!  Your life is precious, important, and lovely.

Keep sharing, reading, here.   This is a safe space.

J

[Cailin]

You guys are making me cry! Thank you for your supportive comments!
The physical violence ended about 3 years ago. Not to minimize it or to naively think it couldn’t return.
We have had a variety of therapists, psychiatrists and mediators. We have been “quit” by quite a few of them. My husband has been thrown out of their offices. I have been told point blank to divorce him. I think it’s fair to say yes, we’ve tried counseling. I guess it’s like slot machines, I’m on an intermittent reward system. Just when I make up my mind to leave him, he shows signs of “getting it” so I’m encouraged to stay.

[Red5]

... .Just when I make up my mind to leave him, he shows signs of “getting it” so I’m encouraged to stay.

Ah’ yes, the intermittent positive reward thing... .

Sometimes I think that I’m the “crazy” one, dysfunction is ‘dysfunction’ however,

I’ve also been married to my undiagnosed BPD wife for seven years as well,

Take care of yourself Calin,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Cailin]

Yes, after 7 years of this hell its hard to know which one of us has BPD! He called me a “Covert Narsisist” the other day. It was very upsetting for me until I took a little online test for it and tested 9 points below the mean! If anything I’m a codependent, people pleaser! I guess if I were a narisist, I wouldn’t be worried about it because by definition I wouldn’t care how I treated others. I have been setting boundaries and talking about my needs and now out of the blue I’m a Covert (is that just his way of saying he is the only one who experiences me that way) Narsisist.

[Red5]

... .I heard this a while back... .I listen to a lady named Kris Godinez on the YT sometimes... .she said;

“ the folks that question their own sanity are the most sane people on the earth “

Works for me 

Red5

[loyalwife]

 
      It’s funny (not really) how quickly we are turned into a villain in their eyes. It’s not easy being in a relationship that is not stable or a two way street. The pwBPD somehow enjoys seeing us suffer, although we couldn’t bare to do the same to them.  It throws us for a loop every time. Having a good life is great, and you can see all you have to be thankful for, but something is missing.  It’s that one thing our loved one with BPD can’t seem to give us (at least consistently). No matter how intelligent they are they just don’t get it. This is the work. Not to figure out how to change them, you can’t. Find a way to make your life separate from his tantrums. It doesn’t happen overnight, there’s resources here to help, just be good to yourself and know you aren’t alone.

My husband can be fine and bingo,, something triggers him and he goes down the rabbit hole. He tells me to leave him alone, he doesn’t want my company and that I ruined his life. It makes me want to cry and kick and scream, but instead I listen, validate his feelings and walk away.  When they are ready to come back, they will or they won’t. But during these times it feels as though life is ending. That’s the control they have on us, just don’t let that stop you from living. You’ve a full life with lots of love, remember that. Your husband, like mine hasn’t the capacity to love in that way. It’s not  that they don’t want to, they were never given it long ago. We are the portal to that love for them. We can’t keep giving when they close the hatch to their hearts. That’s where the self care comes in.

I hope this helps. Welcome to the family here.

[Cailin]

I started referring to the “splitting” that I experience as the “hero to zero” phenomenon. For example, one morning I was able to close a land deal and handed him a very large check. He was ecstatic and claimed that he had the best wife in the world. Later on that evening I misunderstood his directions and brought a load of eggs up to the farm instead putting them in the cooler in town. He raged through the night about that one. The sad thing is that I have experienced him on an antipsychotic drug and it is like night and day, he is human and relatable on that drug. Without it, like he has been now for several years, he is a monster.
Does he like seeing me suffer? Well, maybe. About the only time I get consistent eye contact is when he is raging. Then he is locked in on me. Maybe he doesn’t want to miss a moment of me suffering.
He couldn’t have picked a worse person to try to make into his own BPD mother (the source of his problems). I am so clearly not her that her has to work really hard to set those situations up. Eventually though, I do bite. I am temperamentally not suited (Irish temper) to handle the game he plays week in and week out.
At least I don’t let his accusations bother me as much. His last round of “you’re having sex with so and so “ included telling me he “found  our condom”. I wanted to tell him that I was horrified at his statement, but instead I made a joke (to myself and others) which included references to being a good Catholic and that I would never use birth control!

[Red5]

... .but instead I made a joke (to myself and others) which included references to being a good Catholic and that I would never use birth control!

Like oxygen is to a deep sea diver, or else an astronaut... .If there is anything I have learned in this journey... .it’s that keeping a sense of humor is life !

Red5