Not sure what to expect...

[frvrphoenix]

Anybody out there?

This is the first time I’ve ever written anything in a forum or a post and I’m unsure what to expect, particularly how it may improve my understanding of the current situation, yet I finally feel that I need to actively connect with people facing the same challenges in order to stay sane and focused in life. Also, I’m unsure what I should expect from myself. There was a choice to post this message under many topics i.e. bettering, detaching, learning….and I sincerely don’t know where I fit.

I don’t want to make this post too long. My experience fits the “typical” BPD relationship. I was with my girlfriend for a year. I recognized immediately that she was not okay and even managed to identify that she suffered from BPD. One day she dropped me off at the airport and when I was gone she broke up with me by sending a short message. It took me a long time to get back on my feet but I managed and managed quite well. Never forgot, never stopped loving her…not idolizing her…genuinely loving. Never saw her again. Never heard of her. Fast forward five years and she wrote me an email. Few weeks ago. She was understanding, went through some therapy and sounded genuinely different and a better person. We wrote to each other, met for the weekend and decided to give it a try again. Slowly, no pressure. I decided that I didn’t want to dwell on my hurt ego and I saw that she was genuinely sorry over what happened the last time. In the meantime I have moved quite far away, so we agreed to fly to different points to meet maybe once a month. We talked on the phone and wrote messages on a daily basis. A week after we met, she had her first depression. This time I was aware and I have educated myself quite well and I thought that I could deal with it. Week after that a bout of jealousy, although for me there’s nobody but her. However, her mind works differently. Yesterday was a culmination of things when she threatened to kill herself and stopped responding to my messages (of course she wouldn’t answer phone calls). The only thing I could do was to call the police and ask for help. Later they were only able to confirm to me that she was okay, as I’m not a family member. I don’t know her friends so I’m left with all my feelings and worries not being able to do anything. I thought she was better but she got worse over the years. Well, she somehow says that she understands her condition, something she denied before but her actions are even father removed from her words. Also, this time she could see that I was better equipped to deal with our situation so each time she upped the stakes to push me away but I was patient and understanding. So she decided to use her trump…. suicide….that’s the ultimate card in her deck and I have no answer for that. I’m afraid that if I stay and she gets no further help (she’s not going through a therapy any more) she will kill herself, and I will live with this feeling forever. I’m afraid for her life and for mine, which she would destroy as well.

As mentioned at the beginning I don’t have a particular question I just need to know if there’s someone who went through a similar scenario willing to share his/her point of view and maybe how to deal with this. I don’t think of myself as a codependant, I’m a genuinely happy person and until she contacted me I thought I’d never heard of her again…and then she reached out, what I thought was, not in need (well in retrospect it must’ve been) but to apologize and to….I don’t know what…. Now, I’m stronger than I was before but still, this experience rocked me hard and again I’m left with my feelings and confusion. Is this what virtual reality feels like I wonder…...

If there’s anybody with some helpful tips (and yes I eat right, work out and didn’t stop living) and thoughts I would greatly appreciate your time and help. I understand that the best thing would be for me to detach myself once and for all…but I’m not ready to do that…at least not right now. Also I’m not chasing her with phone calls or messages. I wrote her a short message after I called the police saying that I had to do that and that I loved her. The worst part is that I probably understand what is going on and where it’s headed but I’m looking for this once in a million chance that I can share my life with her….

Thank you for your support,
frvrphoenix

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

This is the first time I’ve ever written anything in a forum or a post and I’m unsure what to expect, particularly how it may improve my understanding of the current situation, yet I finally feel that I need to actively connect with people facing the same challenges in order to stay sane and focused in life. Also, I’m unsure what I should expect from myself. There was a choice to post this message under many topics i.e. bettering, detaching, learning…and I sincerely don’t know where I fit.

Weclome frvrphoenix!

You have found a good and safe place to come to and interact with others that are going through some, if not all of the same relationship experiences that you are…

Sounds like you have done a lot work to gain knowledge and understanding in regards to what you suspect is a personality disorder with your significant other, and you have shared a lot of history about your relationship with her.

I am not the smartest guy, but I as well as everyone else who comes here have certainly been through a lot, and experienced firsthand many of the things that you are describing to us here in your first thread.

There is so much to learn, and to understand, I hope that you continue on in your learning… this is a very broad subject, with first person, real world; personal circumstances and consequences involved.

There is a lot to unpack in your story here, you did great!… and the "conflicted board" is a good place to start... .don’t ever be afraid that your thread is too long, the more that you divulge, the better for others here to understand, and to be able help you develop ways to cope and survive in your relationship.

This wonderful website is full of extremely valuable information, insight, and great “tools” to help you in your everyday endeavors to better try to interact, support, and to understand your significant other.

This is not an easy path, to be in a relationship with a person who may be suffering from borderline personality disorder, please know and understand that you are not alone in this, as we all here are on the same path with you.

There will be others along shortly who are much better than I am at helping, and advising you on the best path to go forward in your relationship as you have described to us.

I will sign off now, but I say again; welcome frvrphoenix!

Kind Regards, Red5

[frvrphoenix]

Thank you Red5 for your encouraging words. Indeed I had a lot of time to work through the problems as I needed to understand. But of course understanding with your brain and grasping with your heart are two different things.

[Red5]

... .But of course understanding with your brain and grasping with your heart are two different things.

The heart always battles the mind... .but your gut instinct is usually right !

Keep posting !

Red5

[frvrphoenix]

... .yes the gut instinct, which I always override with my heart.

So the saga goes on….
As I called the police she was put in a protective custody in order not to harm herself. 24 hrs later I received a call from her. The most angry barrage of accusations of how I destroy everything while she is on the right path to recovery. And of course, the main theme was: “I don’t want you to leave me”. I was very calm but I kept repeating that she cannot cross the line of suicidal threats. Well…of course she wasn’t listening. I felt like a father explaining to a screaming four year old that we have to leave the toy store. I’ve never seen her that way. Is it really possible that after 3 years (her claim, which cannot be verified) of therapy I see a person who is worse off than five years ago? She asked me not to contact her before she gets better... .and hung-up. And I will definitelly not contact her... .

[Radcliff]

You did the right thing calling the police.  It is not uncommon for our members to have to deal with suicide threats, and the best way to respond is to take it seriously, hand it to the professionals, and step back.  You are avoiding giving her a reward for making threats, while also being responsible about her well being.

That's wise to respect her wishes to be left alone for now.

Can you tell us about what went on for you in the five years between times you were with her?  Did you date?

RC

[frvrphoenix]

Thank you Radcliff for your feedback. I'm afraid that she will progress from making a suicide thread to an actual attempt in order to see my reaction. Would that be a "natural" progression? She mentioned that if she wanted to kill herself she could do it any time, which is true, but I responded that I didn't accept such behaviour and if she announces it again, the police will be called once more. It goes a little bit against my grain to be this tough but, without an offence to her, I'm trying to employ certain strategies I used with my child when she was small. It makes me sad to resort to that.
I did try to date during the five years, however I found out that I couldn't really give my heart away as I was, and I still am, in love with this woman. It's kind of strange to think that she will probably never understand that, even though I told her. One think I'd really like to know is if she actually loves me for who I am or she only loves the comfort and dependability which I bring to her. Is there any simple answer to this? I'm not sure if she knows herself or if it matters at the end.

[frvrphoenix]

I'm actually not sure what I should do now. I've just received the most vitriolic email from her, which I will paste below. There's nothing personal however it's very sad. These are the words of a person who cries out for help. I'm however not sure how to decipher it. Will she come back tomorrow with a loving email, is this a good-bye sort of a thing (untill she calls me again in a few years), is she asking me to actually send her a response that I love her and I'm here for her or... .
I'm very comfused and frankly giving a 100% of my love and emotions to a person who, obviously, has no idea seems like a collosal waste of my time.

Thank you for your help. Any reply will be greatly appreciated.

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i hate you and i wish id die.
you only keep me for you entertainment, for your longing for a buddy.
you don't see your so called good will is bull&$% and based only on your ungrounded stupid feelings.
nothing thought through.

you people need to stop feeling like helping but actually being powerless , throwing rocks at me from the sideline and just watching.

I hate everything and everybody.
i want to die.
i live for nothing, this life is a waste and empty.
i wish id die.
im tired of this %$#@ loop and it is my life.


you people need to stop feeling like helping but actually being powerless , throwing rocks at me from the sideline and just watching.
 
you never said sorry and think i am the only one hurting people. well you think you are being kind/helpfull to me... .are you tough!

blinded by your own ego and self assessment of being good, you do not see the simple logical consequences of your deeds. live in your own world.

DONT REACT.

I $&% HATE EVERYTHING

[Red5]

frvrphoenix,

Do you know where she is, as her actual geographical location?

That’s quite an email... .wow,

Lots going on in there,

Obviously... .imho, it would quite futile to respond to all that, I would call that “word salad”... .

I would hold my cards here... .and wait and see what happens next.

Hope this helps a little... .

Red5

[frvrphoenix]

Thank you Red5 again for your response. I'm not sure where she's actually staying. During the screaming on the phone yesterday she told me that thanks to me she can't stay with her mother any more but who knows.
Yeah, I think that not responding is the best response. Actually I'm more convinced to move to detaching or even learning after a failed relationship post. I mean she pulled me back after 5 years, made a whirlwind out of my life in a couple of weeks for what? I'm perplexed what life wants me to learn here. Maybe it just showed me what I'd have to deal with for the rest of my life, which would definitelly end prematurely. I'm a very sensitive and caring person like propably most of us here so I don't want to be around people with suicidal thoughts and constant bad energy. Phewwwww... .seriously... .

[Radcliff]

I agree with Red5 that you should not engage the word salad.  E-mail is a terrible medium for solving problems, and with a person who is communicating like that, it's even worse.  You would just exhaust yourself and likely inflame the situation.

My Bettering advice would be to leave her alone to cool down.  If you wanted, you could send her a short note saying that you want her to get the support she needs, giving her a suicide hotline number, and encouraging her to call them.

One of the key questions you are grappling with is question of what love is.  How would you like a partner to express love for you?

RC

[frvrphoenix]

Thank you Redcliff. I will not engage as it will get me nowhere. When she doesn't feel good she shuts down all the communication channels and although I prefer at least the phone, when things get bad it's either nothing or short, strange messages I have to decode. So no useful information anyway.
If I send her a suicidal hotline number she would totally explode. This all happened because I called the police when she texted me over and over that she was going to die. Obviously, in her eyes I have betrayed her because, as she said, she had everything under the control and she was working towards mending our relationship... .and I don't want to lose you! I'm sorry... I went through this already all those 5 years back, thinking it would be different this time but once again it's like I'm reading a book backwards and don't understand any of it.
Your question regarding love is very interesting. How would a partner or a BPD partner express love? Both of them differently but we'll stick with BPD. Shamefully my expectations became quite low by now, but I think by genuinely caring about my feelings. At least once in a while. The problem is the detachment between the words and the actions. It's never changed. She now says a lot of right things (well obviously not her last message above) but her actions aren't congruent. We talked a lot about walking the talk but when she is supposed to walk, she just goes the other direction if you know what I mean. And a lot of times when she talks about the feelings, well... .she sounds like a robot. I can hear she learned that in a class somewhere. The other day she told me to start a testosterone treatment to stop being so freaking emotional. I had to laugh but it was quite sad.

[frvrphoenix]

She's just contacted me. Sent an email how she's a failure and how she only wanted to be with me but cannot be with me. It's quite painful to watch her spiriling downwards. I replied that I'm here for her when she's ready. I feel helpless.

[SlothMaiden]

Hi frvrphoenix,

You're not alone in this, I assure you. One thing to suggest though, from my pov, is that you'll never, ever be prepared enough for any of this. Now your (ex)gf is in her devaluation phrase, whatever you say or do to her will always be bad and your fault. I'm currently got blocked by my uBPDexbf as well so I understand the urge to reach out and fix things.

I want you to know that it's ok to want to love them pwBPD and that you wanna try rebuilding the relationship. I'm still in that position myself. It's hard to let go their "idealization" of us which made us falling in love with them at first place. However, you need to be mindful and stay focus on yourself first. From the sound of it, you're much stronger than me mentally so I think you'll pass this obstruction or whatever that awaits you in the future. 

[frvrphoenix]

Thank you SlothMaiden for your encouraging words. I'm not sure that I'm stronger mentally, but I had five years to process it. Obviously there was still this lingering what-if thought otherwise I would not have taken her e-mail bait and responded or cut it off right there. However it was like a call of the siren haha... .only to be shipwrecked once again. You talk about rebuilding the relationship. Well it was more like a sand castle which was swept away with each wave. For me that's not a relationship but beating a head against the wall and expect a different result each time rather than a broken head. I feel the futility of my actions.

[frvrphoenix]

Thank you Red5. I'll watch it later.