We're sorry that you're coping with BPD, but are glad you've found us. This is a supportive place with many members who understand the challenges you're facing.
Your children are forming their impressions of themselves based on the image of themselves reflected to them by others, particularly you and your husband. It is critical for you to support them in developing a healthy identity. Even with your husband's negative messages, with a healthy message they internalize, you can have far more than a 50% impact on their growth.
Make a list for each child of the positive character traits they have, as well as a few that you'd like any child of yours to have. Underline any traits that you think are particularly threatened by your husband's behavior. Independent of what your husband is doing, as you go through your days, look for chances to observe your children demonstrating those positive character traits, and voice your observations to them. You can even create situations likely to result in positive observations. For example, if your husband is sending messages of incompetence, set them up with a task they can do well at, and recognize their competence. Without ever contradicting your husband directly, by targeting these traits and being intentional and determined, you can communicate 10 positive messages for every negative message of his.
Here's an important note -- this does not mean simply showering them with positive compliments. Endless positive compliments become meaningless and are invalidating. You are making specific, fairly neutral observations about them doing things that demonstrate positive character traits. Factual statements that inarguable, like "You are being very gentle and patient with the dog," or "you completed that task quickly and without much help."
Can you see the power in this approach?
Regarding how you discuss your husband's behavior with them, one thing you can do is to ask them how they feel, and validate their feelings. If he says something about them that you do not believe to be true, ask them what they think is true, and support their confidence in their own reality. By avoiding just giving them your reality, you're in line with your desire to not feel contradictory to your husband, and also avoiding the trap that your children feel they need to have someone else define their reality (you or your husband). What you want to do is build their confidence that they can perceive their own reality. Does this make sense?
If you can build in them an accurate view of their positive character traits, and pair that with giving them confidence in their own perceptions of reality, you will have an immense impact on their lives.
RC
