Realizing my own mistake-Some ideas on how to stop being codependent

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells:Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder" and through it have realized my own co-dependent tendencies. I didn't even know codependency was a thing until reading this part of the book and doing some further research online. From what I can tell my need to

1. Fix everyone's problems
and
2. influence/control peoples emotions so they are only feeling positive feelings around me

are not the most healthy habits!

I think recognizing this, especially in relationship to BPD parent in my life, is really going to help me make some improvements in my relationships.

These are some things I am going to try doing to change this tendency of mine towards co-dependency:
1. Stop trying to give advice to every person that tells me their struggle. Instead I am going to listen and empathize. I will only offer advice when they ASK for it.
2. Focus instead on their feelings, and showing empathy. Rather than focusing on the problem and trying to solve it.
3. Accept that life isn't only "positive emotions." It is normal (and healthy!) for people to feel and process "negative" emotions.
4. Ask myself, "What's my role in this relationship?" (Normally I try to play counselor or God, instead of friend, sister, daughter, etc.)
5. Remember, I can't control anyone or force them to change.
6. For me personally, I am also going to apply my faith here: Seeing myself as some sort of God or savior is not right. I am not God and trying to put myself in God's place is not only exhausting and has consequences for myself and others, but is against God's commandments. And honestly, how annoying to be around someone who is acting like this... .Someone who acts as if they know everything or they know best. That they can do it better than you or would have done it better. The pride of a person who acts in such a way is so off putting. (And this is what I have been doing myself! Yikes!)

The hard part will be implementing these changes. I think that if I can do it though it will free me from feeling like I always  manage the BPD's behavior and feelings and rescue them from their problems. What are your thoughts?

[jasmine123]

I have been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells:Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder" and through it have realized my own co-dependent tendencies. I didn't even know codependency was a thing until reading this part of the book and doing some further research online. From what I can tell my need to

1. Fix everyone's problems
and
2. influence/control peoples emotions so they are only feeling positive feelings around me

are not the most healthy habits!

I think recognizing this, especially in relationship to BPD parent in my life, is really going to help me make some improvements in my relationships.

These are some things I am going to try doing to change this tendency of mine towards co-dependency:
1. Stop trying to give advice to every person that tells me their struggle. Instead I am going to listen and empathize. I will only offer advice when they ASK for it.
2. Focus instead on their feelings, and showing empathy. Rather than focusing on the problem and trying to solve it.
3. Accept that life isn't only "positive emotions." It is normal (and healthy!) for people to feel and process "negative" emotions.
4. Ask myself, "What's my role in this relationship?" (Normally I try to play counselor or God, instead of friend, sister, daughter, etc.)
5. Remember, I can't control anyone or force them to change.
6. For me personally, I am also going to apply my faith here: Seeing myself as some sort of God or savior is not right. I am not God and trying to put myself in God's place is not only exhausting and has consequences for myself and others, but is against God's commandments. And honestly, how annoying to be around someone who is acting like this... .Someone who acts as if they know everything or they know best. That they can do it better than you or would have done it better. The pride of a person who acts in such a way is so off putting. (And this is what I have been doing myself! Yikes!)

The hard part will be implementing these changes. I think that if I can do it though it will free me from feeling like I always  manage the BPD's behavior and feelings and rescue them from their problems. What are your thoughts?

[Harri]

I like this post.  Focusing on us and what we can actually change and control is excellent.  Every single thing you listed is stuff I would do and a few I still struggle with.  Every. One.     I think your plan of attack is a good one.

The hard part will be implementing these changes. I think that if I can do it though it will free me from feeling like I always  manage the BPD's behavior and feelings and rescue them from their problems. What are your thoughts?

What helped me was to think about this stuff in terms of knowing where I begin and end in relation to others.  Or, to ask myself what is mine to take care of.  It is quite freeing when you think about it and that freedom goes both ways.

Good thread.

[Pina colada]

I have learned the best way to overcome codependency is focusing on "self love".  I learned it is ok to love myself more than a situation or toxic person.  You have some great ideas!  Therapy helps too... .

[Harri]

Hi Pina colada.  It is good to see you again.

What does loving yourself look like to you?

[once removed]

The hard part will be implementing these changes. I think that if I can do it though it will free me from feeling like I always  manage the BPD's behavior and feelings and rescue them from their problems. What are your thoughts?

it takes practice.

the opposite of codependency is a well differentiated person.

our level of differentiation, or the ways in which we are differentiated or not, are by nature, very hard to see, even when one is willing. the ways in which we interact with people, how we handle conflict, its all been with us for a very long time because at one time it served us greatly.

so letting go of it is a little like learning the sky is actually green and then adapting to that.

good boundaries are a lifestyle, and a lifestyle change is a huge adjustment. but youre right, it can be very freeing, and enrich all of your relationships at the same time.