Not sure what to do anymore

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

This is my first post. I'm not even too sure who will see this or how it works. But I am at a desperate time and will try anything to see if it will help. I have a sister with BPD. She refuses to get help or admit she needs help. She is a very loving and sweet person but definite roller coaster and I seem to always be a target when she experiences anger outbursts. I have hit a point in my life where I don't feel like I can take it anymore. When she out of nowhere attacks me - to the point where even if I block her number she will find another way to reach me - it's getting harder to ignore what she is saying and it has caused me to feel extreme bouts of depression. I now have 2 young boys and a loving husband but I feel like this relationship is unhealthy and I am nervous of it's negative impact on my family. My sister also has 2 young kids and I love them so much. I don't know what to do. Is there anything that can help avoid these outbursts or to ignore them? I really want to be in the kids lives but my sister doesn't want to get help and I don't know if this relationship is worth the negative impact it has on my family. Does anyone have any advice?

[Athena81]

Hi,

This is my first post. I'm not even too sure who will see this or how it works. But I am at a desperate time and will try anything to see if it will help. I have a sister with BPD. She refuses to get help or admit she needs help. She is a very loving and sweet person but definite roller coaster and I seem to always be a target when she experiences anger outbursts. I have hit a point in my life where I don't feel like I can take it anymore. When she out of nowhere attacks me - to the point where even if I block her number she will find another way to reach me - it's getting harder to ignore what she is saying and it has caused me to feel extreme bouts of depression. I now have 2 young boys and a loving husband but I feel like this relationship is unhealthy and I am nervous of it's negative impact on my family. My sister also has 2 young kids and I love them so much. I don't know what to do. Is there anything that can help avoid these outbursts or to ignore them? I really want to be in the kids lives but my sister doesn't want to get help and I don't know if this relationship is worth the negative impact it has on my family. Does anyone have any advice?

[Kwamina]

Hi Athena81

Welcome to our online community

Dealing with a BPD sibling can be quite challenging indeed. I have an undiagnosed BPD sister myself and she too has had extreme angry outbursts seemingly out of nowhere. Are there also other difficult behaviors your sister exhibits that lead you to believe she has BPD?

Protecting yourself and your emotional well-being is very important. She is your sister, but I understand that you would want to take steps to shield yourself from her abuse. You unfortunately cannot make her change if she does not want to or is simply unable to, but what you can do is focus on your own behavior. There are certain communication techniques that can help when interacting with people with BPD. Techniques such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N., are you already familiar with any of these techniques?

I am glad you reached out for support here, the situation with your sister is clearly taking its toll on you

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi!  I am joining Kwamina in saying welcome to the board.  I am glad you posted as many of us here can relate to your situation so you will get support as you navigate your way through this relationship. 

The communication techniques that Kwamina suggested are a great place to start.  Also, learning about the disorder and what drives the behaviors can be helpful in depersonalizing some of them as well as helping you determine how to set boundaries.  Boundaris are vital in this type of situation.

Please do post more of your story including anything you are currently trying to help yourself.  In general ignoring and avoiding is not always possible if you want to feel good about your own interactions and forge your way to a healthier relationship.  Sometimes, avoidance and ignoring is a good thing... .it is more of a pick your battles sort of thing.

Anyway, I hope to hear more from you.  Again, welcome

[HappyChappy]

Hi
Welcome to the board. Sounds like things are realy tough for you right now. My advice is focus on protecting your own mental health and that of your family. Any BPD worth their salt will perswad any room that their needs trump all others, so I can appreaciate how hard that can be. First line of defence is to stick to those healthy boundaries. Your sister will find new ways to contact you, close them down. I found e-mail was helpful in doing this. My BPD and NPD relatives hated e-mails as it was an audit trail, and a BPD uses mulisesory approach to perswading us, and e-mail doesn't allow for all that.

If you spend time on here, you'll notice how similar BPD behavior is, and learn techniques, such as S.E.T. to help deal with that behavior. Be good to yourself, and stick to those boundaries, you are allowed to decided how you spend your time. A BPD will tend to be contiually pushing everyones boundaries and buttons, they are testing to see who will give them attention and other things they want. If you stop responding to this, they eventual lose interest. I did this with my BPD mom and it took a long while. These days she says "Youre not right, your different." what she's picked up, is she can't trigger me the way she use to. She has now found new people to give her attention and fogotten all  about her kids. Wishing you peace. 

[JNChell]

Hey, Athena81. I hope that you’re still with us. BPD is simply just a hard thing to navigate. Sometimes we just have to block it for a while to catch our bearings. I wish that I could do this. I share a child with a person that I believe is BPD.

She is a very loving and sweet person but definite roller coaster and I seem to always be a target when she experiences anger outbursts.

Why do you think that you’re always the target when she comes unglued? I believe you, but there is a reason why she turns to you when she’s not feeling well. Any ideas? was this a similar dynamic while growing up together?

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having a sister that takes out her anger on you, her children, and others. This is taking a heavy toll on you emotionally. I am wondering if your sister only acts badly in front of those closest to her, and pretends to be a nice person in most circumstances. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Turkish]

What constitutes the outbursts, specifically,  and how are they affecting your family (I take it as a given that they are negatively affecting you)?

What does she accuse you of?