Hello - looking for advice to gain control over my life

[highlife]

Hi, This is my first post.  I am very thankful to find this site.  My husband has BP and I have struggled for years not understanding his behavior.  The worst part is the control by using his temper.  To be honest, I do not go out to activities, to see friends and worst of all, to see my children (not his) because I am afraid of the consequences.  I am sure this is a common situation but I have let it go on for too long and it is very sad and stressful.  I read on the website not to let BP stop you from normal life but this is what I have done and I don't know how to assert myself without a giant fight ensuing.  I am looking for advice to gain control over my own life and to survive getting out the door to a normal everyday activity.  I do not even have my own job, I work for him so my interaction with other people is very little.  I am a social, outgoing person so this is hard for me.  I am at the point where I think I will just have to leave.  I tried going to shelter but there was no room so I had to return home.  I don't want to leave my home but it is becoming the only option.  Thank you for listening, I look forward to hearing from you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You've found a supportive community where members understand the challenges you're facing and can help you work through how to make things better.  Can you tell us more about how your husband's temper restricts your activities?  It sounds like you don't feel safe, and there are many ways in which we may not feel safe.  Every situation is different, and the strategies for dealing with them depend on the specifics, so the more you tell us, the more we can help.

RC

[highlife]

Hi, Thank you for your reply.  I am answering the question "How does my husband's temper restrict my activity?"  He does not want me to leave the house or have social time with other friends or family so he forbids me to leave and throws a massive temper tantrum if I try.  He accuses me of lying about my activity, that I am going out for sex (i.e. a dinner with all female schoolmates from 50 years ago, he says we are going to a strip bar.  We are all 65 years old, mothers and grandmothers and only see each other once a year so we wouldn't waste it on a strip joint.  We meet at one of our homes because one of us is from out of town and has to bring her dog.)  He yells at me for dressing nicely or putting on some make up to go out as if I am "up to something."  As a result, I rarely go out and yes, you are right, I don't feel safe enough to try and am even afraid to see my own children because of what I will go thru.  If I actually do go out by the time I get there I am so stressed it is hard to be normal.  Thank you for replying to me, I would like to hear more from you.  It really helps.

[Bnonymous]

Hi HighLife,

Welcome to the site!

As Radcliff says, you're in a supportive community here. A lot of us will be able to understand and relate to what you're going through. I myself have a jealous and possessive boyfriend who sounds very much like your husband - he feels very threatened if I go out without him and, like your husband, he seems to equate any kind of "going out" with "planning to cheat". I very much understand the temptation to give in and stay home (I've done that myself on occasion), but you know that this wouldn't be healthy for you or address the underlying issues.

When I first came here and posted about my situation, another member sent me a link to a workshop on dealing with jealous partners, which had some useful info:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

Do your husband's tempers involve physical violence or threats of violence?

On the times that you do manage to go out, what happens when you get back? Does he calm down pretty quickly once you're home or does he keep it going for a while?