DD asked to stay until January and I said yes

[Only Human]

When we were chatting about nothing she stopped and said, "I'm sorry, mom. I know you want to talk, I know you want more time with me but all I can be is sad." Here's roughly, how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: I'm sad too, I'm going to miss you both.

DD: Then why did you do it?

Me: Do what?

DD: Kick me out?

Me: You said you wanted to leave. When you asked, "Is this my thirty days?" I didn't mean to say yes, I was mad.

DD: Why didn't you tell me that?

Me: I was mad.

DD:  I wanted to leave in January. If I had until January, I could stay in (our city).

Me: Is it too late to tell you that you can stay until January?

DD: Yes. I don't know if I can trust you to not call the law on me. And so many people have done so much to help me, I just can't not go.

Me: I understand.

Later, she called me into the living room and she asked, "Can I stay until January?" I said, "Yes."  She told me she's scared, she doesn't know what to do, but she's thinking she doesn't want to be in (other state) and not know what to do, she's so scared that she feels it in her stomach and she feels like she should listen to that feeling.

She said, "I won't even cut you out of my life if you let me stay until January." This was after I had said yes so I don't see it as a manipulation, I see it as, "I don't want you out of my life."

She started talking about her options... .asked, "If I get a night job, will you watch GS?" I said I would. I asked, "Are you thinking the beginning of January or the end of January?" She said, "I don't know, can we talk more about it tomorrow?" I said, "Yes."

So there we are. I'm relieved and apprehensive. I told her I love her and want to support her.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

wow OH.

its hard to think of a better turn of events in terms of more time with, supporting, building trust, restoring your relationship with your daughter, or a better way to have handled it.

i was nervous about how things were going to go today.

Later, she called me into the living room and she asked, "Can I stay until January?" I said, "Yes."  She told me she's scared, she doesn't know what to do, but she's thinking she doesn't want to be in (other state) and not know what to do, she's so scared that she feels it in her stomach and she feels like she should listen to that feeling.

change is scary in general, and can be especially so for someone with BPD traits. that her default was to see you as safe is very promising for your relationship and an indicator of recently tentative, but long term trust. 

She said, "I won't even cut you out of my life if you let me stay until January." This was after I had said yes so I don't see it as a manipulation, I see it as, "I don't want you out of my life."

i also see it as returning vulnerability, and a concession, with vulnerability, and a concession. from her perspective, it probably came as a surprise. theres an element of "really? are you sure? if you are, ill do this" to it. i dont see that as manipulation either, so much as a certain tentativeness.

this development bought a lot of valuable time, and good will. what may come with that are tests. tests of that trust. you may see acting out behaviors to see if you will change your mind. you may see some lack of follow through with promises. you may see struggles both with, and for, independence. you may see along with those things, a great deal of vulnerability. and you may see a lot in between.

every one of them, an opportunity.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

OH, I'm so happy to hear that she asked to stay longer. You have more time with her and your beautiful GS and it would be so amazing if they end up staying in your town. I have nothing to express but happiness for you today.   

Much love. 

[Harri]

This is good news for all of you.

How is today going? 

[Only Human]

its hard to think of a better turn of events in terms of more time with, supporting, building trust, restoring your relationship with your daughter, or a better way to have handled it.
... .

 that her default was to see you as safe is very promising for your relationship and an indicator of recently tentative, but long term trust. 

My ultimate goal is to restore and strengthen my relationship with my daughter. I was feeling very hopeless these last few days and today I feel hopeful. once removed, "her seeing me as safe" is a great reminder for me. My T has said, "She knows you love her, care about her, she trusts you," but I couldn't see it at all. I get the idea in my head that "this is it... .that's the straw that broke the camel's back, I'm done for now." I'm encouraged that, despite all, the messages I've been sending her throughout her life and through her struggles have been received and retained. She's even said as much. Here is the Mother's Day text I got in 2017:

Happy Mother's Day! Thanks for dealing with my (bleep) all these years and still loving me too! You're the best mom anyone could want. Even when I hate you I love the crap outta you <3 <3 <3

this development bought a lot of valuable time, and good will. what may come with that are tests. tests of that trust. you may see acting out behaviors to see if you will change your mind. you may see some lack of follow through with promises. you may see struggles both with, and for, independence. you may see along with those things, a great deal of vulnerability. and you may see a lot in between.

every one of them, an opportunity.

A lot of valuable time for sure. I've often wished I'd found The Family sooner so I had more time. With the impending move, I was feeling desperate. I'm more relaxed now, but very aware that my relief may result in my falling into old habits. I think of the Drama Triangle and how it says something about, "someone feeling superior" or something like that. I know that I often feel superior to my daughter, to others. That feeling sometimes results in me being overbearing, critical. I need a big ol' helping of humble this Thanksgiving.

OH, I'm so happy to hear that she asked to stay longer. You have more time with her and your beautiful GS and it would be so amazing if they end up staying in your town. I have nothing to express but happiness for you today.   

Much love. 

Thank you, HB Thanks for being happy for us and thanks for the hugs. That she can see herself staying in our town is such a big relief for me. Also for her, I believe. Despite her saying that "she doesn't belong here, nobody else in the family supports her, etc." I do believe she wants to be here.

This is good news for all of you.

How is today going? 

I can sense the relief in DD. I asked her how she was doing today and she said she feels better. She knows she has a lot of plans to make but says the pressure is off.

I'm determined to stay focused on "one day at a time," and doing my best to not crowd her. My past practice was to offer advice, rescue. Also in the past, I've been so relieved that she's feeling better that, if I start to see signs of distress, I'll step in to make things easier, to keep the "feeling better" going.

She's been on the phone with the internet BF, telling him how she wants to get a job because she really wants a big tax refund because that will help her with her plans. She worked in 1/2018 and 2/2018 so she'll get the Earned Income Tax Credit, but I get the feeling she believes she must work more to get a bigger refund. She said something about, "If I could work in 12/2018, 1/2019, and 2/2019, it'll make my refund bigger.

I did NOT say, "1/2010 and 2/2019 will not be included in the 2018 tax stuff."

Letting go is not easy but neither is her life. We all learn by doing and I gotta get that through my thick skull.

There's a potential let down coming soon. She received a Notice that, effective 12/1/2018, her public assistance will be reduced significantly because she didn't attend an orientation for the "you must be employed" requirement of receiving assistance. I believe she didn't attend because she planned to move anyway so why? If she requests a hearing before 12/1/2018, her grant won't be reduced and she will have a chance to comply to keep her amount. I REALLY want to suggest that she request a hearing because I'm guessing, with all that's been going on, she's forgotten about the fact that her benefits will be cut.

DD's exBF is here for the day and I'm leaving soon to go to my friend's for the day. I may spend the night. I want to give all of us breathing room to process these new events.

As always, thank you all for supporting me.

~ OH

[Only Human]

I had another thought about us falling into old habits. When both of us are feeling relief, we tend to be on our best behavior. Overly compliant with requests, speaking sweetly to each other, giving compliments. DD complimented my shoes today. This is a common thing with her - after a rough spot has passed, she'll compliment me: "You look nice today," "I really like that shirt on you," "Have you lost weight?" I view these statements as "If I'm nice and complimentary, you'll be nice to me." I get a little sad thinking she believes she must kiss my butt so I'll treat her nicely. 

Today, I'm going to be conscious of being too "HOORAY, everything is going so great! Look how healed we all are!"

~ OH

[wendydarling]

OH wow   I'm so happy for you    you deserve to be exactly where you are, you've worked hard everyday to learn how to connect with your DD since you've been here with family, and since she came home in April and prior, it's a step journey. You took the hardest decision for a parent to report their child to CPS and despite that, and all she says in frustration, she trusts you, she recognises you are reaching out, trying to connect and understand how it is for her and yes that means us slowing down, making space for them, understanding their limitations... .………foot off the peddle.

No healing in a day, though YES it is a hooray day, moment to celebrate with you, golden nugget.  

Complimenting you is real, it's how she feels, accept her honest feelings, her truth, she's no longer under extreme pressure, crisis of things she can't deal with right now moving to another state. She's trying to work out and recognise what is best for her, perhaps in your town is brilliant, she has mileage to find a safe and supportive life style that is right for her, in her own time. My DD and I don't do timelines, it'd push my DD over the edge, away from the amazing progress she's making. She's feeling her way forwards and using wisemind, DBT skills.

You'll find what is best for you OH, your DD, as your confidence continues to grow, her trust.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and all at family here.  

Keep going OH, you are on it ~ change.

WDx  

[Lollypop]

OH

Gosh, so many memories came flooding back reading your post. Thank you so much for posting as it really helps all of us.

It warmed my heart.  I wanted to say that I understand what you said about getting the pitch right in our interactions. It’s really difficult to judge, particularly when things are in a state of change (nudging forwards and also backwards).  It does takes practise but I’ve found I rely more on my gut and this is only because I tend to listen mostly. I think that’s the biggest change I’ve made when we’re Together.

I know that “too Happy and upbeat” approach. I spent years doing it. In my very early days on the forum and my learning (and I’m still learning!) I stayed in what I called safe ground. I kept interactions light and not talk about problems (because they weren’t mine but his).  By me demonstrating SET with genuine open hearted warmth he learnt. Like you, I was superior too. I still can come across that way to new people but I’m much more softer around the edges than I used to be. I just try to be kinder and keeping it simple helps me.

You’re both doing so brilliantly and you’re learning together. It may be possible to throw in a suggestion about a asking for a hearing in a way that she feels has full control over the decision. I know the golden rule is to not interfere and leave them to sort out their own problems. A gentle suggestion that is then left and not pushed or reminded of is perfectly ok in my book.

I love doing re-do’s.  “Oh, I forgot to tell you that I was thinking about what you said the other day about ... .it seems to me that you COULD ask ... .it may help you. You know you I’m here if you want any support with it if you decide to give it a go .” Then change subject and leave the responsibility with them.

It look a long time for my son to build up his problem solving skills and then his confidence. Having a stronger relationship with me helped him feel safer when things went wrong. Just knowing that there’s somebody to turn to that understands and who won’t dive in and take control away or criticise is really important. But you know that already!  Ha.

I’m going away for the weekend OH. I need a change. My son28 text me this morning that he bought himself a new laptop - another milestone.  Was it a wise purchase? No, he has a tax bill, 2 unpaid weeks at xmas, save for a deposit because he’ll be forced to find a new place to live - but hey ho.  He’s chosen to spend the money on that instead of drugs. Good news.

Have a great weekend.

LP

[Only Human]

Thank you for replying,wendydarling and Lollypop and everyone else! I have read all the replies several times over and really appreciate all of you.

Today is Black Friday and GS needs a dresser. His current dresser, which he's had since birth, was on loan (unknown to us, we thought it was a hand-me-down). The owner of the dresser has asked for it back many times over the last several months but has not come to retrieve it. The last time she asked about it was about a month ago and I asked, "Since they're moving on 11/26, can you please wait until after? With everything going on, all the changes and stress, I think GS would react negatively to losing his dresser." She agreed but here we are, they're staying through December.

Our Black Friday tradition started when DD was about 13. It was a very bad period for her, for me, for us. She was grounded and I threw the idea of Black Friday out as a gesture I was certain she would reject. She didn't reject the idea and we all (me, DD, her brother) had fun every year driving around to look at the long lines and planning our route based on the best deals.

Goodwill has Black Friday and I found out this morning that they have a whole store just for furniture. I asked DD if she'd like to go today and also to another Goodwill store or two. She said, "Yeah but not right now. How about at 9:30 or so?" I said, "Sounds good."

Outings with the three of us (me, DD, GS) have not gone well in the recent past. When we're in public, she's super hard on GS, expects him to behave perfectly, thinks I'm too easy on him and that I don't back her up when she corrects him. We haven't gone out together in months, at her request... .the last time we went out she said, "I don't want to go anywhere with you and GS again, it's just too much."

I'm hoping for a decent outing but want to be prepared if things go south. I'd like to do a little bit of prep work beforehand and am wondering what I'd say. Here's what I'd like to say but am having trouble with how to say it:

I'm glad you wanted to go today and I want to do what I can to make it as stress-free as possible for all of us. What do you need from me?

Thank you all - it's a stormy day here and getting out of the house will be good for GS. In the end, if she thinks it will be too much for her, I'll happily take GS.

~ OH

[Only Human]

Here's how the outing went.

We found a dresser for GS and DD found an office chair for herself. DD asked, "Do you want me to call (exBF) to bring the truck and follow us to the next store?" I said, "That's a good idea." After we'd been there for about 15 minutes, DD started getting irritated w/GS because he was not listening to her. I didn't interfere, walk away, make suggestions, or try to rescue either of them. When we were in line paying for our items I asked, "How are you doing?" She said, "I'm stressed because he doesn't listen to me, he never listens to me, this is why I don't like going places with him. He knows better but he doesn't listen, I just want him to listen to me, etc." I said, "How frustrating."

DD ended up telling me she doesn't want to go to the second store, she can't handle it, and she ended up riding back with exBF, GS rode back with me. When they got back, DD thanked me for inviting her to Goodwill, she's very excited about her new office chair, she's glad she came along. I said, "I'm glad you wanted to go and that you found something you like."

GS is napping now but before that, DD was doing a lot of yelling and being frustrated, GS was doing a lot of yelling and being frustrated.

While GS was on take-five, with the door locked and closed because he was screaming in his room, I asked, "Is there anything I can do to help?" and she started yelling, not AT me, but yelling:

There's nothing you can do to help. He doesn't listen to me, he never listens to me. I want to have him listen to me for once, just once. And I know, (sarcastically) "he's four years old" but, four is old enough to understand. If I say, "sit here" he should sit, he knows what I'm saying but he doesn't do it. He knows better, he should listen to me. I'm tired of saying things over and over again, and saying please and thank you, he never ever listens to me. Now he's not going to nap because we went out this morning, every time we go out in the morning he doesn't nap, and I need him to nap, he woke up at 6 am and I need him to nap. I don't have the patience for it, I don't, (the timer went off and she walked away to unlock the door) and it's not bad parenting for me to not have patience, I just need him to listen to me, it's not bad parenting, it's not.

When GS knocked on my door for a hug and kiss, DD was sitting on the toilet (the bathroom is directly to the right of my bedroom door). I asked, "How are you doing?" She said, "I'm doing ok." GS was stalling, "pick me up, no put me down, I want a little hug, not a big hug," etc. I put him down and said, "Ok, that's enough... .goodnight, GS, I love you." I said to DD, "I want to support you. Do you think it would be best for me to just go back into my room?" She said, "Yeah, probably, he's not going to nap anyway so whatever." I came into my room and typed this up.

She's in the garage live-streaming and I'm in my room. Whew!

~ OH

[Harri]

All in all that did not go too badly for you and her.  I do feel for the little guy though.  He is 4 and can't just sit still and will forget and that is normal 4 year old behavior.  Is she aware of that? 

DD ended up telling me she doesn't want to go to the second store, she can't handle it, and she ended up riding back with exBF, GS rode back with me. When they got back, DD thanked me for inviting her to Goodwill, she's very excited about her new office chair, she's glad she came along. I said, "I'm glad you wanted to go and that you found something you like."

This is more good stuff!  I am glad you were able to have at least part of your holiday tradition.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

He is 4 and can't just sit still and will forget and that is normal 4 year old behavior.  Is she aware of that? 

She's been told it's normal for his age but she rejects that. I feel bad for him too and don't know what to do about it.

[Harri]

  

It must be so hard to watch her talk to him like that.  No wonder he is frustrated and yells ... .in addition to being 4. 

I don't know how to advise you here.  My instinct is to always protect the kid.  When we are talking about kids, I do not have a problem with stepping in and rescuing them... .it is not rescuing them it is protecting a child who is unable and unequipped to help themselves.  At the same time, I know if you alienate your daughter or she gets more angry that is not going to help either.  But that is walking on eggshells.  This is so complicated and so difficult.  I am glad he has you as a source of unconditional love, validation and support Only Human.    and I am glad you are coming here so we can give you the same. 

[Only Human]

Thank you Harri. I have stepped in before when DD was impatient w/GS and her behavior escalates.

DD was much calmer after GS's nap and she was much more patient and kind. GS is, understandably, more compliant when she's more patient.

Soon after he woke up, I took him to another Goodwill store since that was the original plan and he was disappointed when we didn't go after the furniture store. It was a madhouse but we stuck around long enough for him to play with some of the toys. Then to McDonald's. We were out of the house for about two hours and the rest of the night went much better.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Thank you Harri. I have stepped in before when DD was impatient w/GS and her behavior escalates.

DD was much calmer after GS's nap and she was much more patient and kind. GS is, understandably, more compliant when she's more patient.

OH, reminds me of your DD telling you she needs time out, she can't do this on her own and the offer of living out of state came with that support - time out.  When she has time out she's calmer much more patient and kind, she's back to baseline. When they are together what kind of things do they do, does she play with him?

[Only Human]

Hi wendydarling,

I'm struggling with a reply here. Your observation and question are making me think. I have a lot of "yeah, buts" running through my head. I recognize that as my wanting to control everything and it makes me feel uncomfortable, like icky feeling in my gut.

A move out of state is not what I want for my DD and GS, not what I think is best for them. I also believe DD knows deep down that it's not what's best for them. She wants time out, she was offered that in another state. Her statement, "I hope it's real" broke my heart because I know how desperately she wants help and my crystal ball told me it's not real. My crystal ball is filled with all the other times in DD's life when she thought everything would be better "if," "when," etc. Couple that with these people being virtual strangers and I was sick with worry.

The way DD interacts with GS is not what I want for them. My crystal ball tells me GS will be a messed up kid, teen, and adult. It's filled with all I've read about kids raised by a pwBPD. Couple that with what I already see of GS's personality (inability to regulate his emotions, physical aggression, low frustration tolerance, etc.) and I am sick with worry.

I believe my reasoning is sound and can list dozens of reasons why it's best for them to stay close and why it's best for DD to parent GS differently.

In the end, it doesn't matter what I want; she will do what she wants/needs to do.

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi.  That is true, she will do what she wants/needs to do. 

The good news for your GS is that he has you at a very important time in his development.  Research has shown that even having just one validating person in a child's life can make a huge difference.  The work you have already and are still doing with him, just by being you and giving him a healthy person to go to is wonderful.  I am sure you want more for him, but you are doing what you can with what you have and that is saying a lot. 

 

[Only Human]

The good news for your GS is that he has you at a very important time in his development.  Research has shown that even having just one validating person in a child's life can make a huge difference. 

I've read that as well. Thanks for the reminder, Harri.

wendydarling, you asked what DD and GS do when they're together, does she play with him?

DD spends a lot of time on her phone, talking, texting, snap chat, face time, etc. GS spends a lot of time trying to get her attention, which often results in GS getting sent on "time out." DD gets tired of playing w/GS because they both struggle for control of the play. It's like they're both preschoolers.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

OH from your conversations it sounds like your DD wants to stay local, she wants to feel belonging, she shared with you how she feels rejected by others family/people – that’s her history and it’s good she's sharing her feelings, she trusts you.  

I had an interesting conversation with my DD last night I asked how people in her life can help her and she spoke about love, she said the way to love anyone is to love them truly and with your whole heart. That in order to truly love someone, we have to accept them for who they are. We have to accept their shortcomings, their successes, differences and their humour…... .tolerance.  For her acceptance is one of the most important things about love. Accepting her and her BPD diagnosis she said this can sometimes be a difficult task. She said people who love her she believes have three qualities (among many, many more) patience, compassion and perseverance. Having these qualities won’t make loving her a flawless experience, but it will make it possible, and easier than it would be if those qualities were absent, not felt. DD acknowledged her BPD affects her life and the lives of us who love her. Some of these symptoms can be difficult which she says is where having patience comes in and she recognizes having patience can be challenging. Though in her experience in order to effectively and truly love her, patience is required. Having patience means having the ability to accept her symptoms without becoming angry or upset and that some of our behaviors can fuel certain symptoms, while patience puts the fire out.  A while back on the forum we've talked about patience, I certainly have, it’s become my middle name, so this is very interesting to hear this from DD. She went on to say symptoms sometimes cause her to treat herself and others poorly, which is why it’s important for those who love her to have compassionate hearts. Compassion meaning having sympathy and empathy for her suffering and others who suffer. She explained having compassion means showing and experiencing genuine concern and empathy for how her illness makes her feel. Being compassionate when loving her means so much to her because compassion is not easy to find when you have an illness that affects other people. When loving her compassion is key. It’s important because it assures her, that I and others who care are trying to understand the complications of her illness. OH I felt exhausted, not by what she shared, just how darn difficult it is for our children. I often wonder how I'd feel if I had BPD and who'd be there for me, understand.

In a recent post Merianeh shared “less is more” and I relate to that, when my DD was very ill 2015 and 2016 I was desperately worried, numb, overwhelmed. Today "less is more" continues, I think that’s along the lines of what my DD was sharing with me last night, patience, compassion, perseverance.

I get it OH, two preschoolers. What jumped out to me was your DD repeatedly saying GS does not listen to her, listen to her, listen to her, listen to her – yep vice versa, they are in a cycle. Perhaps validating your DD, how frustrating this is for her …… and sharing with her listening skills games may help her, have a try, where GS can build his listening skills (and your DD at the same time too). The 3 of you building listening skills together… patience…taking their turn….may empower them both? Christmas approaching can be a good time to find small windows, times to play listening games.  This is not controlling, I know you’re very well aware fixing is unhelpful, as is enabling…… I see this as teaching, connecting, introducing new skills gently they can benefit. You’re listening to your DD, she’s shared her frustration with you, she’s looking for help?

The good news for your GS is that he has you at a very important time in his development.  Research has shown that even having just one validating person in a child's life can make a huge difference.  The work you have already and are still doing with him, just by being you and giving him a healthy person to go to is wonderful.  I am sure you want more for him, but you are doing what you can with what you have and that is saying a lot.  

Absolutely!

Your DD may ask to stay after January, how do you feel about that?

I'm learning along with you and parents here.

WDx

[Only Human]

Hi wendydarling 

Thanks for sharing your daughter's view of what it takes to love her. I'm inspired every day by your relationship with her.

I love the idea of listening games, thank you. I get frustrated with her statement, "He never listens to me," because it's not true. It's that black and white thinking of hers: always and never. He does listen a lot of the time. In fact, yesterday they went out for a couple of hours and I heard her telling him, "You did a really good job of listening today." 

Your DD may ask to stay after January, how do you feel about that?

She has asked to stay until she gets a place. I have agreed to let her stay on a "month to month," "we'll see how it goes" basis. A big part of me is relieved that she and my GS will be here. This gives me time to continue learning and practicing the skills I'm learning here and in Therapy. A small part of me is anxious that we'll get back into our old habits. I'm doing my best to take things one day at a time.

~ OH

[Harri]

I have agreed to let her stay on a "month to month," "we'll see how it goes" basis

Hi Only Human.  I think this was smart to say.

A small part of me is anxious that we'll get back into our old habits. I'm doing my best to take things one day at a time.

Well, keep thinking about what you have learned and keep checking in here.  We can help you stay on course.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

You're doing such an awesome job, OH.   You should be proud. Hang in there.

[wendydarling]

Hi Only Human

Thanks OH, it's a journey isn't it! I'm taking your lead   I think it important we share here when our children share with us, like you do, you help so many parents sharing here OH.

Along with Harri I also think that's super smart choice you've made, month by month takes the stress out of the immediate situation to help you both while communicating a clear message you'll evaluate progress in a timely way.

I love the idea of listening games, thank you. I get frustrated with her statement, "He never listens to me," because it's not true. It's that black and white thinking of hers: always and never. He does listen a lot of the time. In fact, yesterday they went out for a couple of hours and I heard her telling him, "You did a really good job of listening today."  

 That's so hard to listen to, the flip flop 'he never listens' to 'you did a really good job of listening today'.  Wisemind, the grey safe place my DD works towards. Do you think that'll help and if so how might you share that with your DD?

I just read about using humour as a way of helping children listen, drop the word chocolate in   ….'put your chocolate shoes on'    going to share with a neighbour who has 3 boys under 9 and loses it everyday getting out the door. Games are such a great way to learn and connect. I've watched many of my friends sons find their life long buddies through games and it kept them on a good path during those challenging teen years to wonderful caring men.

How's your weekend going?

WDx

[Only Human]

Chocolate shoes! I love it. I'm definitely going to try that - thanks, WD.

I also like the idea of sharing Wisemind w/my DD but at this moment I'm working really hard to validate and listen so I'm gonna put this on the back burner for just a little while.

I find that when she gets negative, I try to zoom forward, get past it, or even call her out on her distorted thinking. I'm going to work on resisting the urge to do the above. When I do the above, I can see it on her face that she's not getting what she needs from me.

She's been applying for jobs and yesterday "walked in" to apply at a care home with a "Now Hiring" sign out front. I asked her about the experience and she shared a lot and I did my best to listen without invalidating (validating is still awkward for me, ugh)

• She became aware of the care home when they were building it and, since it was close to her exMIL's house, she thought, "I'll never work there, too close."
• She felt nervous. I said, "Oh, you were nervous?" She said, "Yeah, it's fancy." I said, "Fancy, huh?" She said, "Well, fancier than the last care home. And, I'm not fancy, you know? I'm sure they'll be judging me by my appearance (she's got multiple, deep scars from self-injury, her teeth are yellow, her hair is multi-colored) but old people love the way I look." I said, "Yeah, and you're really good with them." 

Today, GS was grumpy and when DD told him she loved him he said, "No, you don't love me." She said, "I do love you," GS repeated, "No you don't," and she looked at me and mouthed, "What do I say?" I figured, since she was asking a direct question it was ok for me to answer it... .I mouthed, "let it go?" and I shrugged. She let it go and that was that.

For the most part, these past couple of days have been good ones for us all.

Thank you all for being here!

~ OH