... "back to the future" ... my first post almost 2 years ago now ... wow

[Red5]

So my un-diagnosed borderline personality disordered wife signed a year long lease today on her "new place"... .and has informed me that she is indeed moving out a week from this Sunday.

So here I sit in the "fog"... .thinking, .in "self sooth mode"... .listening to "Aalborg World Soundtracks Sound Of East Asia" .

So I pulled up my "journal"... .and read some of my very first posts that I wrote on BPDfam... .and wow ; (

Nothing has really changed, .except, that now I am much more "knowledgeable"... .these threads I wrote, .most sound like a broken record... .so go and get some popcorn, and charge your mason jars with a cold frosty beverage, and read this one, it was my second serious post... .love y'all... .Red5

[Posted January 06, 2017, 12:55:49 PM]

Sitting here at work reading this blog(s)... .I am realizing that this has been going on in my marriage (2nd) since before the honeymoon started... .yeah that's right, we even fought the night before we got married, it’s been six years now , we dated for 3 1/2 before getting married, both of us were previously married, about 20 years (+) each... .as I said, my previous wife was also case... .long story... .when will I ever learn… Back to my current wife, until very recently (a few months back now) I had just thought she was a bit high strung, a drama queen… and she did tell beforehand that she had a "temper", of which she warned me of during our dating period... .yeah we had some pretty good fights, and I chalked it ALL up to "post-divorce trauma"... .or something like that, “fear of commitment”, as in it was me being hard headed towards her, and as well she was trying to get me to change to suite her... .but now I think I know, she is BPD... .what else could it be, and so are her two other sisters it looks like, my wife was the youngest of three sisters, we are all in our early to mid-fifties... .wow, I cannot believe I could have been so stupid and ignorant not to be more cautious in getting married again, after all, I had already been married to a case, for 21 years, and survived it intact... .I even recognized things in gf #1 post-divorce, and left that relationship before becoming trapped again… back to the present, our home has crushed eggshell all over the floor, which I now understand should actually be called landmines... .she displays all the traits now... .I am always wrong, stupid, dumb, lazy, .etc etc etc etc, can NEVER do anything right, we cannot even change a light bulb together without getting into an argument... .I no longer feel anything toward her except the need to escape... .we obviously have no children together, all our kids are grown and on their own from our previous marriages , except my oldest Son, but this is the one thing... .my oldest Son is an autistic 30 year old, he is about 6-8 years old developmentally, and he is the joy of my life, and he will always live with me (us)... .and that's the hard part, she is always coming after him, .I am ALWAYS running interference... .just last night, she said… “you use your Son as a crutch”… REALLY !… I really thought this could work out, that these fights were just post-divorce trauma, and hard headiness on both our parts trying to adjust, but now I understand that she does like the attack... .the prey, then endless drama... .we go days, and weeks without even speaking, I sleep on the leather couch in the office more than in our bed... .and she destroys all holidays, and blames it on me... .Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversary's... .I am miserable... .and I have to say that I feel nothing for her any longer... .even her won two kids, age 30ish, and 26 say she has always been crazy, and neither even know how I put up with her, I have heard the same from one of the other “son-in-laws” also... .as I have spoken to the other two "son-in-laws"... .it seems to be a family business this BPD... .as their wives are also presenting BPD in these relationships, which are both over the 20+ year marks... .what to do... .and now to complicate things even more, as I said, she has been diagnosed with cancer, and now I feel I need to support and help (FOG) her… as I should as I am still her husband... .but even now the sister-in-laws, and the mother-in-law are taking over all of that... .which she uses as another way to “rage” against me… last night was pretty bad… she even started comparing me to her ex-husband… as in he was a loving and doting husband… and I am NOT… the more I read and study this, the more alarmed I become... .and the more hopeless and helpless to fix this I feel... .at this juncture, I just want to take my Son and RUN !... .but the logistics of our relationship, home life will not allow that to happen... .she does still has her home across town, and it is vacant, she does tell me that she wants a divorce, but she needs our (retired military) insurance to cope with, and treat her cancer... .but after that she says she “is done”… I told her I would never try to take that away, even if we were separated... .I consider myslef a good provider, you see, I am a caregiver type of personality... .but I know, if all of this is really happening, that I cannot fix her, she will NEVER admit that she is BPD... .there is only two options, to stay and try to help her recover (?), or to try and just remove myself from the marriage, sleep on the couch... .and hope she leaves on her own... .she is really bad right now, seems Thanksgiving, and Christmas always really bring on the hate/drama/fights... .and she ALWAYS blames EVERYTHING on me... .thanks for letting me vent a little... .

[I Am Redeemed]

Wow, Red.

I think reviewing your old posts is kind of like reading an old journal. It helps to put things in perspective at least because you can see that the behaviors have not changed... .therefore you can likely only expect more of the same... .

Maybe this will help you with the head vs. heart tug-of-war.

Regarding what you wrote at the end your other thread, about the K-Mart employees... .I used to work at Kmart, before they closed the one in my town. They do pay only minimum wage, and there are no raises because the company is struggling. It was not an easy job, dealing with rude and entitled people.

I still deal with that, as a waitress, but I make about double the pay that I did at Kmart.

Hearing that conversation, your wife's own description of her and her family members acting in such a way (in public, on a holiday) is one way your wife has "shown you who she is". That, along with reading your former posts, and the recent inexcusable incident with your son, should collectively help you believe the truth of who your wife really is... .and you can act accordingly.

Praying for you and s32* special needs, Red,

Redeemed

[Red5]

Thank you Redeemed!

I will be praying for you as well !

Yes Ma'am, the "through the door" account of the k-mart incident was sobering... .

Man... .I can't... .and wouldn't do that to people... .no !... .I mean "come on!"... .really ?

wow... .so sad,

I listen to Kris Godinez sometimes on her you-tube channel, and she always says... ."if you were NOT related to these people, would you have anything to do with them... .if the answer is no, then act accordingly"... .

... .and... ."are you done being abused... .well are you?... .then be done!"

hmmm,

Take good care Redemeed !

Red5

[Red5]

... .January 2017 must have been a pretty rough time?

Actually, that is when I came here, with the idea that "BPD" was the "reason why"?

[January 25, 2017, 04:07:01 PM]

... .If I play by these rules, I may stay "split white" for a little while, I ain't leaving, as its my house, I do love her, I do feel an enormous obligation to her, I did marry her, I did make the commitment of marriage with her, .albeit I am very beat up, and tired, but I did enable a lot of this abuse, the more I fought back, the worse I was making it between us... .now that I think I know what's been happening in our volatile relationship over the last nine years, maybe with this new "epiphany" of knowledge... .maybe... .just maybe I can take better care of her now?... .today is a new day, I know I will be "split" again at some point, as it will be my turn again... .but when this happens again, it won't be the end of the world to me now... .knowledge is true power, I am a tough guy, I am old and hardened, .I can do this !

[AskingWhy]

Late to the party, Red, but I feel for you. 

I know just how powerless you can feel in the presence of your partner's dysregulating.  One feels down and helpless.

I am also married 20+ years and uBPD/uNPD H's behavior was a hurtful mystery to me:  the rages, broken furniture, holes in walls, threats of divorce, etc. devastated me.

How does looking at the past help you now?

[Red5]

How does looking at the past help you now?

My heart and my mind are in a great battle (fog)... .so as myself and my gut instinct sit here on the sidelines listening to my heart and my mind debate it all out ... .I need to keep reminding myself what has been going on... .as my heart is still in love (?)... .my mind is full of fear that she wont be alright on her own, and still I feel great obligation to "save" her... .and these two elements together create great guilt... .meantime my gut instinct is like... .let her go, this is what is best... .nothing is ever going to change... .you (me) will still be taking care of her, but you (me and my Son) will be free from her constant dysregulative behaviors... .and her abusive tendencies... .as she wont be in this home anymore... .

I am sorting "stuff"... .and I have the audio of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" playing on the computer... .she is "out of town" today... .it's raining outside... .me and my Son have had coffee, and some sweet potato pie... .there is lots to do... .sort, stage, prepare for her to take the furnishings out of the house next Sunday... .

Got to stay focused,

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

You are saving her, Red, by letting her be in her own space.

This is what she wants. It's very stressful for her to be around your son. It just is.

And she has irreparably crossed a safety boundary with him and can no longer be trusted to have his best interests in mind.

It's not good for him to be around her chaos, criticism, nastiness either.

You can still maintain a friendship with her, even though she has her own living quarters. You are still legally married and  she remains on your medical insurance.

Without the constant stress of living in the same home, perhaps things between you and her will get better.

[Red5]

It's very stressful for her to be around your son. It just is.

And she has irreparably crossed a safety boundary with him and can no longer be trusted to have his best interests in mind.

Exactly... .there will be no “going back”.

I guess this will be on my mind for quite some time regardless, I go over and over the events of last week, .and also over the previous months - years... .the pattern is clear.

This will all be easier once she has gone... .and it’s just me and my Son... .and my old dog, and those two stray cats.

I actually look forward to bare floors and walls, .see, I get to start over again!... .one more time... .hopefully this will be the last time... .

I know now who she really is... .I guess I wish I’d been smarter about all this back in 2007 when I met her,

Oh’ well... .

Maybe she will come to an “epiphany”... .you know she professes to be a Christian... .but I also know she has this disorder... .that’s not her fault... .she sure fooled me... .I just wanted a woman in my life again... .a best friend... .hmmm, maybe I need to look closer into this “woman in my life” issue?

I remember her D33 telling me last spring... .“she needs to just stop it, she has it pretty good there with you... .she needs to chill the ‘f’ out or she is going to screw it all up”... .

I have to keep reminding myself what has happened... .what she did, what she said... .who she really is.

I wonder if she is even ashamed at all, seems she has victimized herself to her foo.

One more week to go, she will be gone and back on her own again... .after almost eight years of living with me.

Looking back it ain’t never really been “right”.

Duh huh ! ... .  BPD ?

It still amazes me that she held it together for the first six months that we dated... .that hook was good and set... .thats for sure... .I wish I’d been smarter back then... .I have to ditch the idea that I could have ever “saved her” regardless... .

As you say Cat... .maybe I am after all !

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

I know now who she really is... .I guess I wish I’d been smarter about all this back in 2007 when I met her,

You and me both, sigh! I beat myself up pretty good when I realized that I had stepped into the same damn trap once again. However, that said, this time I got lucky, as my husband is a good guy and pretty easy to be around, other than the BPD rearing its head occasionally, nothing like what you've been dealing with, Red.

But you know, they're really good at presenting themselves as the partner we'd been waiting our entire lives to meet.

Maybe she will come to an “epiphany”... .you know she professes to be a Christian ... .but I also know she has this disorder ... .

Not likely and not worth holding onto hope. However, what is likely is that she will miss you and miss all the things you've done for her.

I just wanted a woman in my life again... .a best friend ... .hmmm, maybe I need to look closer into this “woman in my life” issue?

Nothing wrong with that. Just a normal desire for human connection. When I was looking back at the beginnings of my relationship, a common saying occurs to me--"If it looks too good to be true, then it probably is." How I wanted it to be true and how I overlooked evidence to the contrary--well, I guess I'm more skeptical now.

I remember her D33 telling me last spring ... .“she needs to just stop it, she has it pretty good there with you ... .she needs to chill the ‘f’ out or she is going to screw it all up”... .

See, even her children "get" who she is and appreciate all that you've tried to do for her.

I have to keep reminding myself what has happened ... .what she did, what she said... .who she really is.

Yes, she broke a sacred trust with you when she assaulted your son. But she had done numerous psychological assaults upon him previously. It was just the first time that she physically hit him--that you know of... .

I wonder if she is even ashamed at all, seems she has victimized herself to her foo.

I often wondered if my mother, or my ex-husband ever felt remorse for their awful behavior. Somehow I think they always re-wrote the script, so that they were the victims, not me. (Karpman triangle!) However, I do believe that underlying those false narratives is the ever-present internal sense of shame and guilt, but actually acknowledging that to a living, breathing loved one--that's just too much of a leap.

   
Cat

[Red5]

Thanks Cat

... ., this morning I continue to fight the “internal struggle”... .heart verses mind all the while my gut is telling me, warning me... .

As I sit here in the back of the Church, standing usher duty, the pastor is preaching, my Son is in the back pew eight feet away so that I can keep my eye on him... .yeah... .I’m writing this in the middle of Church... .I’m not even listening to the sermon... .this is as it always is... .engulfing... .disruptive... .

I wrote this (below) back in January of 2017... .it is helping to keep my attitude indicator, gyro horizon centered... .keep reading the old threads so that I won’t forget,

January 19, 2017

... .”  As I think further upon this checklist I made, I thought of several more items to add... .and I think they are very important to any relationship, either romantic, professional, or family... .
*I do not feel that my BPD wife respects me as a person, a provider, or a protector, and is this important to me(?)
*I do not feel that my BPD wife even like me.
*I do not feel that my BPD wife considers me her close and personal friend, did she really ever(?)
*I do not feel that my BPD wife has the ability to respect, like, or to ever even consider me a her friend, much les a trusted confidant, or advisor... .is this because I am "too close"(?), I have seen her split other family members, ie' sisters, and even her own mother "black" at times, there always seems to be the need for a "close in" target to split "black"... .and right now its me.
*I do not feel that my BPD wife is capable of empathy, or else able to disregard any kind of social dissent, ie' conflict with co-worker(s), or the take out order person... .seems to always be able to go after someone for what ever reason, can never just "let it go"... .
*I do not feel that my BPD wife has the ability to just let others "be the way they are", she must always "correct", advise (nag), and point out any perceived deficiency's immediately, no matter the consequence of this action(s), even to the point of driving the family members present (for example) into defense mode, and then anger... .no matter the venue, it makes no difference to her... .the "fart in Church" as it were... .
*I do not feel that my BPD wife is "comfortable in her own skin"... .must ensure others (me) buy her the right gift for Christmas, Birthdays, anniversary's... .and when the correct and attentive gift is not presented, the person (me) and the gift is then devalued, and that person I told that they are not considerate enough, and does not care for her enough... .can never just be "content", must always be super critical.
*I do not feel that my BPD wife has the ability to connect with me on any level of an "adult friendship" relationship, I am often treated as an "un-rulely child", who may run out into the street at any moment and be run over by a speeding car !... .or else get lost in the mall... .or taken advantage of by some criminal business enterprise... .I am quite often confronted, belittled, and told that I am a complete failure at whet ever I have presented myself to be, or else claim to be... .ie' father, husband, brother, son... .yes, a complete failure, and given the grade of "F" !  “... .

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red,
You needn't make this a black and white situation. Even if you don't live together, you can still have a relationship. What that entails is up to you, but you don't have to end it entirely, just because you no longer will be living in the same household.

Of course you still care and are fighting the "internal struggle". But remember the wisdom of Kris Godinez about what the gut says--"yes or no."  (Thanks for mentioning her YouTube videos!)

When I got together with husband #2, we needed to expand the little house that I had build many years earlier. Having been through a very difficult marriage, then years of living by myself, I realized that even though we were seemingly compatible (and way into the "honeymoon phase" at that point), that I could not live with another person, no matter how good the relationship seemed.

So I suggested that we build him a "man cave" and I thank my lucky stars for having that wisdom then. It's a detached studio and he sleeps there. After a few years of enduring his snoring (after his excessive alcohol consumption) and being sleep deprived, I started sleeping elsewhere and that was a great decision as well.

Basically at this point, we're living separate lives, but on the same parcel of land. But now it works! Trying to meld our different interests and time schedules was a bridge too far. I'm an early bird and he's a night owl. I like silence and he's always got the TV on, or is playing music on his stereo, or both! I'm very active and he sits around reading or watching TV. I like to be outdoors and he spends all his waking hours inside.

How we ever managed to think we had anything in common is beyond me. But having our own spaces allows us to be who we are and have just about zero conflict.

Cat

[Red5]

Hey Red,
You needn't make this a black and white situation. Even if you don't live together, you can still have a relationship. What that entails is up to you, but you don't have to end it entirely, just because you no longer will be living in the same household.

Of course you still care and are fighting the "internal struggle". But remember the wisdom of Kris Godinez about what the gut says--"yes or no."  (Thanks for mentioning her YouTube videos!)

Thanks Cat!

I really do not know what to expect after she moves out... .part of me wants a complete and clean break... .but there is always “fog” in my weather forcast.

The thing is... .I’m not too impressed with her new home, matter of fact I am worrying about her safety there... .time will tell?... .I think she could have done better, but of course it’s really none of my buisiness is it.

I know I need to stop worrying about it, her foo will be there for her, as I’ve “tapped out”.

Her S31 and his wife are coming to visit her the middle of December... .I think this is the reason she did not “choose wisely”... .she was in a hurry... .again, none of my business... .

I need to stop this line of thinking and get back to the basics of the logistics of this whole event forthcoming... .

Even as she is uBPD and sometime thinks quite neurotically... .she is indeed a grown woman... .and she has her two big sisters and foo mum, and BIL#1&2 whom will come to her rescue if need be... .

The best thing I can do is to keep on living my own life and restore order to my home and to ensure my Son is alright and safe... .

I like what Kris says... .“are you done being abused?, .well are you?, .then BE DONE!... .BE DONE!... .if you were not related to these people would you have anything to do with them... .if the answer NO!... .then act accordingly !”

One more week,

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Red,

Something I have realized since going NC with uBPDh (divorce not filed yet but is imminent) is that I always felt so much obligation and guilt because he had me running in circles trying to put out all the fires he started, and I believed that I was the only person he had who would help him. What would happen to him? He would be homeless, he would starve, he would self-destruct.

From the tidbits of info his mother had gotten since I ended contact, that is not the case. He is managing to stay fed, housed, and even got someone to loan him the money to get his driver's license back. He also may be getting a car from someone, just needs wheels and tires put on it or something.

So I had forgotten that uBPDh can be pretty resourceful when it comes to finding people to meet his needs. He may have to "con" with a pity story, or manipulate or flat-out lie or tell "one-eighth truths- they're not even half-truths with him) but he can do it. My God, he survived in prison and jail- maybe barely, but he did it.

I kept buying into the "obi one kenobi" mentality- as in "help me obi one kenobi you're my only hope"... .but it isn't true.

Best of luck Red,

and I looked up the Kris Godinez videos, they are awesome! Really like her.

Redeemed

[Panda39]

I just want to echo what I Am Redeemed has said. 

My SO when leaving his wife also voiced fears to his mom about it uBPDxw's ability to take care of herself when he left.  His mom said "She's like a cat, she always lands on her feet".  And you know what she was right.

His ex in spite of not having a job, and getting evicted 3 times, has never slept on the streets or gone hungry.  For the last several years she has been living in a hotel, she doesn't have a job that we are aware of, so we think her family is supporting her.

We are not responsible for her, for that matter her family isn't responsible for her, she is an adult and she is responsible for herself and guess what she is getting herself what she needs.

Panda39

[2020]

Hello Red5,

I have just read up on your latest and I'm sorry to hear of it. They certainly throw us, don't they? I can really relate to what's been going on for you. There has been constant conflict with my partner and my autistic 17 year old Son. She hates him like I have never seen anyone hate. She calls him a waste of space, a speed hump, a spastic, a retard, a paralysis tick. She believes his autism diagnosis is incorrect and he is just a delinquent. She thinks he is trying to poison her or kill her. Crazy  ! Right now the relationship is mostly hell with the occasional bliss of about two days a month. She disappears every second day and I have pretty much come to expect it now. At night she climbs in the bedroom window and we sleep in the same bed. It is all very weird. She will sleep in the warehouse several times a week which we rented as a work space. Of course that is all my fault.

I'm not sure I can advise you. I think my relationship is only slightly less along the path than yours. I expect it all to fall to pieces at any moment now. Maybe if you look at what is going on as a blessing rather than something to lament, it might be easier? She won't be that far away. If we were monkeys living in trees, she is just swinging in a different tree. It is a sad situation, but maybe it isn't all bad. To be frank, I wish my partner would move into her own place rather than blame me for her misery. I am always hearing of how the past five years have been a huge mistake. They need to stand up on their own feet I think. At least you'll get a bit of a break now. I actually have learnt to enjoy my time when I am cut off and painted black. I get to catch up on the things I have neglected and do things I want to do. Maybe things will get better for you now? I hope so!

I get a lot from reading your posts. I can't help myself but often I picture my partner as your wife when I read your updates. Thanks for making me laugh and cry. Hang in there!

[Red5]

Hello Red5,

I have just read up on your latest and I'm sorry to hear of it. They certainly throw us, don't they? I can really relate to what's been going on for you. There has been constant conflict with my partner and my autistic 17 year old Son. She hates him like I have never seen anyone hate. She calls him a waste of space, a speed hump, a spastic, a retard, a paralysis tick. She believes his autism diagnosis is incorrect and he is just a delinquent. She thinks he is trying to poison her or kill her. Crazy  ! Right now the relationship is mostly hell with the occasional bliss of about two days a month.

She disappears every second day and I have pretty much come to expect it now. At night she climbs in the bedroom window and we sleep in the same bed. It is all very weird. She will sleep in the warehouse several times a week which we rented as a work space. Of course that is all my fault.

I'm not sure I can advise you. I think my relationship is only slightly less along the path than yours. I expect it all to fall to pieces at any moment now. Maybe if you look at what is going on as a blessing rather than something to lament, it might be easier?

She won't be that far away. If we were monkeys living in trees, she is just swinging in a different tree. It is a sad situation, but maybe it isn't all bad.

To be frank, I wish my partner would move into her own place rather than blame me for her misery. I am always hearing of how the past five years have been a huge mistake.

They need to stand up on their own feet I think. At least you'll get a bit of a break now. I actually have learnt to enjoy my time when I am cut off and painted black. I get to catch up on the things I have neglected and do things I want to do. Maybe things will get better for you now? I hope so!

I get a lot from reading your posts. I can't help myself but often I picture my partner as your wife when I read your updates. Thanks for making me laugh and cry. Hang in there!

2020!

Hey Man!

Always great to hear from you Brother !

Yeah, the BPD verses autism... .this thing is quit perplexing... ."why" ?
Tell me more about your Son !... .what is he like, what does he like ?

... .tears... .now crying... .damn it !
... .shes gotta go ; (

Red5

[Red5]

... .

[Red5]

... .

I've had way too much to think... better have another drink soonest, and then maybe of to the rack... .

[Enabler]

Hey Red,

I'm not sure whether send a hug or a handshake, I guess it's one of those emotionally confusing times. I'll send you both anyway.

So, the way I see things is it's not black and white, it's not the end nor is it a new beginning, it's just a paradigm shift. I think as Non's of pwBPD we spend a lot of time orbiting around a dysfunctional person, maneuvering to better, to save and head off the bad. It seems like you have got to the point where you now stand still. You are just there. You are no longer re-positioning yourself to accommodate her disorder. Is this the difference between now and 2 years ago?

Standing still, seeing her leave to rent this new place isn't or at least doesn't need to be the end... .however, you are perfectly entitled to shut and lock the proverbial gate behind her. Like many of us your personal boundary fence has been beaten down, crushed and obliterated... .now is the time to do your fence work, NOT BUILDING WALLS. You haven't pushed her away, you have respected her rite to remove herself from the house. From what I have heard you haven't slammed the door in her back... .  So now is the time to redefine your perimeter fence and define the terms with which she would be allowed back in your life. She can choose to leave your heart, but you get to decide if and how she returns, and on what terms.

Shore up your front gate not your defenses. Keep your heart soft and your tongue smooth. A well policed white picket fence is preferable to 15ft chain-link with razor wire and gun turrets... .the guns don't make for a nice view and they scare off the other natives. Fight or flight mode isn't for you, leave that to Mrs Red and her BPD... .and remember, she's doing what makes sense to her, as much as you feel she is wrong she feels she is right, and you can't change that.

Enabler 

[Red5]

Evening Enabler,

I'm not sure whether send a hug or a handshake, I guess it's one of those emotionally confusing times. I'll send you both anyway.

Thanks Enabler ; )

So, the way I see things is it's not black and white, it's not the end nor is it a new beginning, it's just a paradigm shift. I think as Non's of pwBPD we spend a lot of time orbiting around a dysfunctional person, maneuvering to better, to save and head off the bad. It seems like you have got to the point where you now stand still. You are just there. You are no longer re-positioning yourself to accommodate her disorder. Is this the difference between now and 2 years ago?

Yes, this is the major difference... .two years ago I would have robbed a bank if that was the price of fixing / saving this relationship / marriage... .but today, as you say Enabler, "I'm just there & standing still... .static"... .I have come to realize (realization) that she is who she is, and that she was never really whom I first thought she was... .and she will never ever be "that woman" to me... .I was (still am) in love with a person whom does not really exist, .and never really has.

Standing still, seeing her leave to rent this new place isn't or at least doesn't need to be the end... .however, you are perfectly entitled to shut and lock the proverbial gate behind her. Like many of us your personal boundary fence has been beaten down, crushed and obliterated... .now is the time to do your fence work, NOT BUILDING WALLS. You haven't pushed her away, you have respected her rite to remove herself from the house. From what I have heard you haven't slammed the door in her back... . So now is the time to redefine your perimeter fence and define the terms with which she would be allowed back in your life. She can choose to leave your heart, but you get to decide if and how she returns, and on what terms.

Yes, its time to "mend the fence's"... .its funny, the side fence and gate was obliterated by a falling tree during the hurricane... .I fixed it all, I built two new gates, and replaced over half the pickets from scratch... .and almost the whole time, she was out there offering her "help"... .ie' telling me that I was doing it all wrong (yeah)... .I remember the fight we had about using the old hinges over again... .I straightened them, and painted them black again, they looked brand new... but she had gone and bought new hardware, but she did not buy the right kinds, and it did not "fit"... .she tried to argue them to be "the right size"... .just another memory now... .she actually got pretty nasty, (BPD!) about it all... .

... .so now I wont have to "put up" with this type of behavior anymore, as she won't be here, she'll be in her own place now down the road.

No, it's not the end, .but its going to be a different "configuration"... .we'll stay married, so that she can have the medical coverage (insurance)... .she can come and go as she pleases, maybe we'll "chat" from time to time... .

I was listening to one of the you.tube channels this evening... .its called "New Life Live"... .there was a caller who said that he has been separated from his uBPD wife for fives years now... .and he further went onto say that she absolutely refused to get any from of therapy... .as does my own udx BPD wife... .she also abjectly refuses... .and says I'm to blame, and I'm the one with the problems... .

Shore up your front gate not your defenses. Keep your heart soft and your tongue smooth. A well policed white picket fence is preferable to 15ft chain-link with razor wire and gun turrets... .the guns don't make for a nice view and they scare off the other natives. Fight or flight mode isn't for you, leave that to Mrs Red and her BPD... .and remember, she's doing what makes sense to her, as much as you feel she is wrong she feels she is right, and you can't change that.

Yes, I agree, .this is what I'm going to do... ."soft heart"... ."smooth tongue"... .no, I wont have to "fight", or "flight" away in the Jeep anymore with my Son, maybe I can even unpack the "bailout bags"... .and I wont have to sleep with my keys and phone in my pockets anymore... .there is going to be peace in this home, for the first time since 2011... .she has behaved, and acted as to "what feels right" to her... .I have moments where I just want to grab her up, hug her deeply, and ask her to stay, .but it only lasts for a moment... .as my memory kicks in... .and I correct my errant thought... .to even think of doing such a thing... .its been pretty miserable around here for years now... and I'm looking forward to this change in my life... .I imagine she is as well.

She had another appointment, in regards to her 'C' dx and treatment regime today up in D-uke, .of course I am not privy to anything now, so I know nothing of her current condition, either good news or bad news, and it was bad last visit... .I know they were going to do scans again today... .anyways... .she got home pretty late, after ten pm... .and guess what, .she got another puppy today, somewhere up in the north of the state during her travels... .another y-orkie, she is an eight week old pup... .and of course Red5 is a sucker for puppies (and kittens)... .uBPDw was very nice, and sweet, and ask me to help her feed the little baby pup, .it was right about then, that moment; that I "almost" took her into my arms in a moment of "nostalgic" thinking that she could be a wife, a friend, a confidant... .I still have a faint illusion in my mind that she will "come back"... .but I caught myself... .as there is no "going back"... .and "back" to the way things were is unthinkable... .as they weren't good at all, in fact things were quite bad... .there is no excuse for her physical behavior / abuse towards my Son... .as I said, this marriage has never been "normal", or "right" to me, but do I even know what that feels like?... .what I am remembering is a mirage, "it" never existed... .

Tomorrow is another day, .this time next week, hopefully she will be settled into her new place... .with her new dog to keep her company, she hasn't named her yet.

Red5

[2020]

Hey Red5! Hope you are going okay. Yes it is an 'interesting' combination, the BPD and Autism. It has caused a never ending cycle of  in this home. The weird part is that my partner was a youth worker who helped young kids some of which were on the autism spectrum, yet she cannot stand my son, and to be fair, he doesn't like her. I must confess I have indeed been walking on eggshells as they say. I have been going to extremes to keep them apart. I won't even mention my son around her. She believes he is going to kill her. He is a big tall boy and very strong. I have been in doctor appointments with him where he suddenly gets me in a headlock because I "sucked my teeth"? haha! He wrestles me to the floor then stops suddenly. He pats me on the bald head and tells the doctor, "Don't worry about my Dad; he has Austism. He's from the 1960's"!

He likes padlocks. He first saw one when he was 2 years old. Then I had to buy him one at a corner store. A few years later he had 200 of them. He pulls them apart, re-pins them, cuts his own keys. I bought him an expensive high security lock for Christmas one year and he picked it in about 15 minutes. I have encouraged him to do a locksmithing apprenticeship but he claims he can make more money as a currency trader.

Eighteen months ago after he was talking about the stock market non-stop, I suggested he download an app where you can play the markets using virtual money. Within a few months he had made a decent profit. Now everytime I walk past his room he shows me his phone and how much money he made last night. He keeps these notebooks with graphs and charts. He is obsessed. He said he will be buying me a castle in France.

He likes to make rings from silver US coins. He beats the edge with a spoon for a few days until it becomes fat and then drills out the middle. The end result looks like a mirror finish silver wedding band. He is quite the perfectionist.

He also (unfortunately) likes grafitti. I illustrated some kids books a few years back which had a grafitti theme to them. He got my free copies and the Youth Worker I did the work for gave my son a box of spray paint. I spent the next few weeks repainting a house my son's mother was renting. He draws or paints most days.

He like trains too! He wants to go to Canada and ride the back of freight trains and photograph the grafitti on the containers and publish a book. He has big dreams. It would be nice if he realised some of them.

If your son likes trains, you should check out these Riverdale coal fired garden scale trains! I want one! They are a bit pricey but look like lots of fun. Have a look on Youtube. Oh and while you are there, look at this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTluwSdAT4o&frags=pl%2Cwn

Now that is living! Have a pleasant day!

[2020]

Hey Red! Those trains are very nice. You are fortunate to have access to those great American steam trains. Maybe the sound of the trains is part of the fascination to the Autistic mind. My son loves white noise. He likes the sound of the ocean and needs to have a fan on in his room all year round. The sound of the train in that first video is what my boy would like.

I've just had two weeks of relative peace. I've been working on a project with my partner putting in 14 hour days. She's had me all to herself so the dramas have been kept to a minimum. Yesterday my son had his school fete and I supervised him baking 100 cheese and spinach pastries. He made an awful mess in the kitchen but the pies turned out real good and he sold about 60 of them. He said it was the best day this year. I sat at his stall for four hours which was nice. My partner didn't want to hear about it when we returned.

Today I was checking my emails to see whether some office supplies had been shipped yet, when I received a rare email from my ex about a singer in a band dying yesterday. My current partner saw me looking at this and I could tell the   was about to hit the fan. I kept cool and said how sad it was that this singer had died and what a great songwriter he was. It didn't go down well at all. She left the house via the bedroom window and I haven't seen her for a few hours. Thankfully, I won't be going crazy stressing out about her dysregulation or whatever it is. I will simply enjoy my day by myself. Come to think of it, she was already on the slide this morning judging by a few comments she was hurling my way.

Thanks for your reply! Hope your life is without too much drama... .