I feel like it's all a disaster

[NSChick]

To make a very long story short, I find myself in the middle of a disaster.  My 24 year old daughter, who lives in another city halfway across the country, has blocked me from all social media, telephone and email.  This was precipitated by me hanging up on a phone call that with her that pushed me over the edge, and ended in her telling me I was worse than her father (high insult).  In her mind, I am defending old boyfriends who she says are rapists, she hates me for requesting further information about what money she needs to support herself while she gets through this crises,  she hates me for refusing to quit my job and move to her city to take care of her.  All of this occurred within four days of a psychiatric assessment resulting in a BPD diagnosis.  I always thought of myself as a good mother.  But when my daughter was in the depth of illnes and begged me to quit my job and come to her, I didn't do it.  I was going to come to her for a week (I have come on one day's notice earlier this year).  She felt completely betrayed by me and cut me off of all contact. I found out she was admitted to the psych hospital on the following Monday.  I found out about this from a third party as she left strict instructions that I was not to know, but they broke the confidence as they felt I should be told.   I'm receiving zero information on what is happening.  I don't know if she's still in the hospital, is she in some kind of treatment?  I've gone from being, in my daughter's mind, the /best mother, to a complete piece of crap.  I'm devastated.  I am overwhelmed with guilt.  I have read so much on BPD, but I deeply fear that my daughter needs to blame someone for how she feels, and I think I'm the person. 

This was long... Thank you for listening... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us as we have lots of parents here who can help support and guide you as well as help you process the emotions involved.

Would you say that your daughter is acting out on a fear of abandonment when she has blocked you and pushed you away?  I don't think your not dropping your job and going to her means you are a bad mother. 

What sorts of behaviors does your daughter have that, in your opinion, may have led to her diagnosis of BD?  Has she always had difficulty? 

Ho can we best help you?

[Only Human]

Hi NSChick,

I join Harri in welcoming you to BPD Family. Sorry for what brings you here but I'm really glad you found us. As Harri said, there are lots of parents here to support you.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

~ OH

[NSChick]

Thank you Harri and OH for responding.

Yes, she feels I have completely abandoned her, which I realize is about the worse fear she has about people.  Despite my trying to tell her I would be out in a few days and stay a week, it wasn't good enough, and she stated clearly to me that if I loved her, I would move out there, rent a house, and do freelance work again so I could be nearby.  As an aside, I flew out in September on two days notice when I was worried about her then, but after one day when I got her calmed down, it was clear she was ready for me to fly home...  

In 2015 she was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and diagnosed (or probably misdiagnosed) with clinical depression and put on Zoloft.  She came through that, managed to get a very difficult technical degree, graduated with honours and received a leadership award from the university for all of her volunteer stuff (she was heavily involved in many activities, student council etc).

She started Grad school last September 2017 and has been going down hill since January 2018. I've always been worried about her, but became more alarmed this year.  She cut off communication with me in January for about a month as she was angry about something I did but then got back in touch as if nothing happened (she didn't block me, just stopped talking to me).  I went to visit her in June and we had a really nice time, but she was full of complaints about her professors, other grad students she was writing a paper with etc etc etc. It seemed like everyone in her life annoyed her and had something wrong with them.  It didn't seem reasonable to me. She also started to turn on her boyfriends parents, and convinced her boyfriend he had a terrible childhood and his parents were abusive.   The boys mother actually called me in tears in August to ask me what she could possibly have done that was that bad and that her son was refusing to speak to her.  I had no response.  She is a physician and told me at that time she thought my daughter was mentally ill.

In July, daughter decided she was non-binary and came out to the world and if you forgot to use they/them pronoun, it was like the world ending to her.  She cut her long blonde hair off short and started wearing baggy clothing and got a ton of tattoos.  Despite my use of her/she here, I try to address my daughter her preferred way when we are in touch.

A few weeks after I flew out to see her in September, there was a serious manic episode such that I started to intervene with the university to get her an emergency therapy appointment.  I knew something was seriously wrong. It was frightening.  She has accused her two high school boyfriends of raping her on a weekly basis, and has accused my best friend's son of raping her.  She hasn't gone public with this, but it's a matter of time.  She accuses me of not believing her. 

Through a lot of intervention on my part and help from psychologists I was referred to by people with connections, we got her more counselling at the school, a physician appointment and a referral for a psych evaluation.  That evaluation on Nov 5th put an already fragile person right off the deep end.

Her worry was about money and how she could afford treatment and pay her bills.  Her father and I asked both her and her boyfriend to let us know financial commitments so we could help.  She freaked out on me.  Her boyfriend didn't respond.  I told them both we needed to understand and would help pay bills and groceries but she just wanted money I think.  I'm not sending a bunch of cash to a sick person who will most likely use if for tattoos or something equally as non essential.  She is enraged that I want details on her bills and told me I was her daughter, I promised to do anything and everything for her and now it was time to step up.

So money combined with the fact that I didn't drop everything and rush out the day she wanted me to resulted in both her father and myself being cut-off all contact.

One week after the diagnosis she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and the last thing I knew she was there for at least 9 days.  I've had no information since then.  She did reach out to my parents to tell them what a horrible mother I was before she went into the hospital.  My mother said it was really, really bad. She also started contacting my ex husband's family/girlfriend, apparently it was equally as bad.

She sent my parents a text last week to say she was getting help.  And another one last night to say she has good days and bad days.

I've worried about her for her entire life.  She never really had friends, was prone to scary anger at times (never directed at me), complained a lot about other people, she was cutting herself in high school, but somehow I was so stupid I just thought she was going to be okay and would grow out of it. Even after her suicide attempt, I thought she would be okay if she took her meds and did counselling.

I fear this highly intelligent, wonderful, beautiful young woman will never have the life she deserves and the fact that I've contributed to turning her into this mess is breaking my heart.

[Faith Spring]

im so sorry.  She may say it’s about money but it’s really about work.  She’s gotta do some work on healing herself, maybe through DBT.  Don’t go broke believing her when she says she needs your money.  She needs your healthy boundaries.  I’m just figuring all this out too.  I’ve got to work on a lot, but the work is mostly free or a small copay because I have to learn how to set and keep some healthy boundaries with my daughter. 

Let’s forget the guilt and make the best of the info we have.  Please keep us posted.  And hang in there. 

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for sharing more information with us.   

What you describe sounds similar to many of the experiences shared on this board.  It is heart breaking to see someone we love be so destructive to themselves and others and to see the potential in them. 

I think trying to defend yourself against the accusations is an instinct that many of us have.  The thing is, it can come off as invalidating to our BPD loved one.   We have a thread here titled Don't JADE.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  When we do these things it not only invalidates the pwBPD but it also can serve to cement their beliefs that you have something to deny... .on top of all that, it invalidates you which is not healthy for you.  Learning to not JADE and hot to validate, or more accurately how to not invalidate, can go a long way in terms of improving communication when your daughter is talking with you.  I am not saying that you are communicating wrong with her.  Rather it is common that the way we talk with them is not helpful to them and serves to make things worse.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything possible and appropriate to help her.  I am sorry she is not in a position to see that however.  Things can get better over time with therapy and work.  Unfortunately you can't do her work for her but you can improve things for yourself and that in turn and in time may help her.

Again, thanks for sharing more of your story.  I think it is important for you to have a support network as well so I hope you settle in and feel free to ump in and post to others.  We all help and support each other here and the more voices we have the better it is for everyone.

[medianeh]

I'm pretty much in the exact same boat you are.  My daughter has shut off all communication with me, telling me I'm pushing her away ~ when in fact, it's the complete opposite, she's pushing herself away.

I started counseling yesterday myself with a therapist that deals with people who have BPD.  I just needed to validate that what I am doing is right, and that I'm saying and doing the right things.

He told me this:  Less is more.  He said to keep her in the "gray" area.  Tell her I love her and care about her, but that I feel the choices she's making are not healthy for her.  He said to say that over and over. 

My dd26 and I had a blowout a couple weeks ago.  She is self medicating right now by using drugs (meth).   She knows that I know about this and has complete rage that I know and feels that I have invaded her privacy.  She is lying to me and said she's stood trial (from me) over this and it's complete bs.  She's said some really awful things to me - she told me to f*** off, that I am a liar, what kind of mother am I - you name it - she said it. 

I have found that getting a counselor for myself to learn how to deal with this behavior from her is beneficial to me.  I have to be healthy and put myself first, or I won't ever be able to help anyone.

Just know you are not alone, and many, many people are in your same position.

Keep us posted.

[NSChick]

Thank you everyone for being so kind.  I really appreciate it.

I'm in the process of getting therapy for myself, and will hopefully have that locked down this week. In the meantime, I've read a few books and as a result found this website, for which I am very grateful.  No one can possibly understand the craziness of this unless they are in the middle of it.

Unfortunately, I did completely invalidate my daughter when she needed me the most, and I feel she will be a long time getting over that.  What I immediately would like to know is what others here think of the following:

1.  Although she has cut off communication with me and wants me to know nothing about her, is it okay to write her a letter to tell her I'm thinking about her and that I will always love her.  I wouldn't say anything else.

2.  Is it okay to send Christmas gifts to her and her boyfriend?  I have no hope in my heart that she will see fit to contact me again by then.  I have a few small gifts and would like to send out a small cheque and grocery gift cards to help them out.

3.  Should I contact her boyfriend's parents and tell them what's happening as it's quite possible they have no idea the pressure their son is under at the moment dealing with this (they are living together).  My gut says no, I'll make everything worse, if he wants to tell his parents, he can as he is a 22 year old man and can speak for himself.

I'm terrified to mis-step any further and I don't want to make her hate me more than she already does.

[Only Human]

Here's a big hug for you NSChick

I can tell you care deeply for your daughter and you're working hard to understand all you can. Reading books and finding us, thinking through your next steps, setting up support for yourself by setting up therapy and continuing to post and read here - You're on the right track   

No one can possibly understand the craziness of this unless they are in the middle of it.

Ain't that the truth! Having a child with BPD traits brings unique challenges for us all! 

I'm glad you're asking for input, I've benefitted greatly from running stuff by the group. I'm fairly new here too so I don't have any magic answers to share with you, sorry.

I'm really glad you're here =)

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi.  We do what we can with what we know and we don't know what we don't know... .right?  None of this is intuitive NSChick.  The good news is that you are here and can learn different ways of communicating and benefit from the many who have been there, done that.

I would not contact her boyfriends parents.  I understand wanting to but I don't see doing so leading to anything productive or positive as I think your daughter, and the bf, will see it as interfering.

I'm terrified to mis-step any further and I don't want to make her hate me more than she already does.

  I would hold off on the letter and gift right now.  You have time still to decide on the gifts and I think giving her the time and space to try to self-soothe is important.  I think it is also important to get yourself to a more centered place before doing anything like that.  The gifts will keep as will any letter. 

 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi NSChick,

I agree with Harri, it's best for now to give her space.

When you say you completely invalidated her when she needed you most, do you mind sharing what happened?

I've been in your shoes many times. My daughter has repeatedly told me that her well being is my responsibility. But as others have said, nothing we do can fix our kids. We can be supportive and loving but unless they do the work for themselves nothing will ever change and we as parents are apt to ruin ourselves emotionally, financially in our desperate attempts to help. So, you are absolutely doing the right thing by not dropping everything and running to her. Please don't feel guilty.

You might find this helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I'm glad you're getting a therapist for yourself. It has been a lifesaver for me.  I'm also glad you found us. We are here for you 

HB

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[slowsteve]

Just remember you didn’t cause her illness and it’s not your job to fix her. She’s an adult. Learn to live your own life and let her know as long as she treats you with respect, she can be part of your life. Do you have other kids?

[Harri]

I like what Hyacinth Bucket asked about what you said.  it will help us help you think of new ways to talk with her.

SlowSteve is also right that you can't fix this for her nor is it your job to do so.

The article HB linked to you is excellent.  Let us know wha you think.

 

[Feeling Better]

Hello NSChick

Unfortunately, I did completely invalidate my daughter when she needed me the most, and I feel she will be a long time getting over that.

I can relate to this, I did exactly the same with my uBPD son and the guilt I felt when I realised totally consumed me. I agree with
Harri, the link that HB gave you is to an excellent article, it helped me immensely when I first came here.
 

1.  Although she has cut off communication with me and wants me to know nothing about her, is it okay to write her a letter to tell her I'm thinking about her and that I will always love her.  I wouldn't say anything else.

My son cut all contact with me almost two years ago now and I periodically reach out to him. I personally think that your letter is a good idea and I like what you write. May I suggest that if you add anything else it be that you will always be there for her.

2.  Is it okay to send Christmas gifts to her and her boyfriend?  I have no hope in my heart that she will see fit to contact me again by then.  I have a few small gifts and would like to send out a small cheque and grocery gift cards to help them out.

I personally would hold fire on this, wait and see if you get a response to the letter, if you decide to send it.

3.  Should I contact her boyfriend's parents and tell them what's happening

Go with your gut. Contacting her boyfriend’s parents could make things a lot worse.

NSChick, it is heartbreaking when our adult children go no contact with us and my heart goes out to you x 

[NSChick]

All of your kindness is overwhelming and I can't thank everyone enough.

To respond to a couple of questions:
1.  She is my only child
2.  The invalidation happened when she was desperate for me to move to her city for however long it took for her to get better.  She was desperate for me to do something to help - she was a complete disaster.  It ended up with her screaming at me in a complete rage.  I'm ashamed to say I screamed back (really screamed) that I was trying my best.  And then I hung up on her before I said anything worse.  I called right back.  But it was all downhill from there and all contact cut off the next day...

It is just so helpful to know that there are people who understand what I'm going through.  I'm taking great comfort in that.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi NSChick

I really think you're being too hard on yourself. We can only handle so much. I've yelled at my daughter before too when I was at my breaking point. We have to be as compassionate to ourselves as we are to our kids. BPD is difficult even for trained experts. Also you didn't say anything hurtful. You really are doing your best.

I don't think that by itself resulted in her going NC. Its likely  that would have happened regardless of how you responded to her request as long as the answer was no.  I say that because I've been in similar situations with my daughter and no matter how I validated how she was feeling as long as I didn't do what she wanted she was absolutely furious and it would end with her raging and saying terrible things to me. Sometimes we do everything right and it turns out the same way.

She seized on your moment of weakness to justify cutting off contact with you but at least for my daughter if she had already decided what she thought was best for her and we wouldn't give in, it really never mattered what we said or did. She wanted it to be our fault so after hours of us validating her, she would think of something that I'd done wrong far in the past that I had apologized for and she had previously gotten over to use as a reason to continue to be mad.

A very similar thing happened last year where my daughter was distraught and begging to come stay with us. At the time she was not allowed in out house due to her recent behavior. My husband offered to drive up and spend the day with her but that was absolutely unacceptable because it wasn't what she wanted. She ended up calling 911 and being admitted to the hospital, which actually is really positive. She can't rely on us to fix her problemd and calling 911 was the best way she could help herself.

We are currently no contact with her because we refused to stop telling her she needed professional help despite her insistence that she was better off without it (there's a lot more to that story). She cut off contact because we were "invalidating" her. You've probably read this but a major rule is to never validate the invalid!

I hope you can do something nice for yourself today. This is not your fault. The good news is that if she is actually getting help she will eventually realize what's going on. I hope she is getting the help she needs. Please take care of yourself.

HB

[Faith Spring]

How’s it going NS chick?  I wanted to share this story of my afternoon today with my daughter.  I hope it helps you realize that your daughter seized the opportunity to go no contact after you lost your temper. 

So my d wants to practice drive.  This is scary stuff.  When she’s calm (when Satan Ice skates) I let her drive. So today she was calling me stupid for thinking a treadmill can crack a house and so I did the driving to the lot where she could practice.  Whole drive she’s spewing out how I’m her roommate not her mother, how I’ve never been a mother... .she parallel parks and does pretty good so I let her drive us back home.  Whole time screaming, with her hands on the wheel, that I don’t care for her basic needs, I’m neglecting her. 

This is the illness.  Must be some kind of neurological pathway that’s stuck, similar to addiction.  She just keeps going back to it, to the rage

[wendydarling]

Wondering how you are NSChick?   Were you able to find a therapist?

[NSChick]

I'm not doing g the greatest and have my first therapy appointment this afternoon.

Daughter was in touch yesterday via email to ask for scans of all child hood photos and for me to send her any momentos I have at my house.  Her father received the same request.

It was a very cold cold email.  She also told my mom she would not be flying out there for Christmas as planned.

I just hate the thought that this is the new normal for me.   Every time someone asks me about her I can barely stop myself from crying.

[jones54]

Hi NSChick,
I was reading your posts and wanted to let you know I understand completely how you are feeling. My DD33 recently has gone NC with both her mother and I. We are divorced but stay in contact with each other. My DD does live in the same town as us but this is the first time she has done this. It is very hard around the holidays when this happens. I have a therapist and he more or less said abide by her wishes and leave her alone. I guess this does not mean you cannot send a note and tell them you love them but when I have done that the only response I get is how terrible a father I have been to her all her life. I agree that we both hope this is not the new normal but we both need to remind ourselves that they are adults and we cannot control what choices they make as painful as it may be. One of the hardest things for me as well is not knowing what is going on in her life. Sounds crazy but I have told myself that the chaos is less now that she has distanced herself so I should be happy with that. It still does not stop the want to have a "normal" relationship with them, whatever that really means. I agree with the others and do not take it personally as to the terrible things they can say to you. I chalk it up to the disease. All we can hope for is that eventually they will be tired of how they feel and finally seek help with therapy.  Glad to hear you have a therapist.

[Harri]

Hi!

How did therapy go?  Check in when you can and let us know.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NSChick]

Thank you Jones and Harris.

I'm sitting in an airport right now on my way to visit my family for Christmas.  The absence of my daughter will be huge. 

I'm actually feeling a bit better since I have had a few therapy sessions.  I have to figure out how to have a life again and can see that I actually do deserve that.  I cry less now.  But I still can't talk about my daughter - it's excruciating when anyone asks me about her. 

I'm trying to keep things in perspective but it's pretty difficult this time of year.  For the first time in my daughter's life she isn't getting an amazing Christmas from her father and me - even though we are divorced she always had a good one.  I'm just sad to be doing nothing but it's her choice to have NC.

  Seeing my mom and sister is going to be so great - I can hardly wait to get there.

I wish peace to everyone here and thank you so much for the support.

[Only Human]

Hi NSChick,

I'm really glad you're feeling better after having had some therapy sessions.

I'm sure by now you've arrived at your Christmas Destination and, while the absence of your daughter will be noticed, I hope you find comfort and support with your mom and sister.

Yes, you deserve to have a life. I found that once I became an empty nester, I had no idea who I was without being a mom. I wish I had used that time more wisely to, as you say, "figure out a way to have a life again." Within a year, my DD was back in my home and thus began the years-long struggle that has led to me finding this wonderful place.

I wish you peace as well. Merry Christmas!

~ OH