Feeling so much guilt and sadness that I may have caused my daughter BPD

[Sweets216]

Since finding out that my 18 year old daughter has BPD and that my parenting may have caused that is weighing heavy on me. I feel extreme guilt as I raised her as a single mom so I am the one to blame. I have 3 daughters and she is my oldest.
Now she has to live with this awful thing and it's very difficult for me to watch or help. We don't alway communicate in the best ways... And after she lashes out at me and degrades me beyond what is ok , it's hard for me to be ok. I mean it happens a lot but it seems she goes harder and meaner each time. Any kind of advice would be nice. I also am ashamed to tell anyone of what's going on... This is just all new to me

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDevoted]

I hear you Sweets216!
I too feel a lot of guilt and extreme sadness, my daughter was diagnosed one year ago at 15 and it has been a roller coast of emotions since.

I have read so many books and all the tools on this page to try and make sense of it but still felt that somehow I have caused this.  My daughter is currently an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital and this has given me the much needed break to see how her behaviors have affected our family (I also have 3 daughters).

I am currently half way through a book titled 'When your daughter has BPD:  Essential Skills to Help Families Manage Borderline Personality Disorder' by Daniel S. Lobel - I feel like the book has been written about us!

I have a lot of support from my husband and I cannot imagine what it would be like raising 3 girls as a single mother, let alone one with BPD - you must be so exhausted.

Please try not to blame yourself for this brutal illness - it is not your fault (I'll keep trying to tell myself that too)

Keep well 

[Huat]

Hello Sweets216... .and... .ForeverDevoted.

I'm glad the two of you found this community of like-parents.   Both of you are fairly early in the game of dealing with a child who has been diagnosed as having BPD.  Wonderful that "it" has been given a name because now you know what to look for in regards to helping your child.   Indeed it is, and will continue to be, a roller coaster ride.  What will help you greatly (and your daughters) is learning how to look after yourself.

If you burden yourself with the feeling of guilt, that will show.  Then you become a victim and your daughters (who are floundering themselves) will be in control.  You will not be able to help them... .and that is what you are so wanting to do.

Of course, all of us are a product of nature/nurture but you are NOT the cause of your daughters' illnesses.  As parents we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the moment... .and as we learn better, we do better... .and will continue to do so.  I'm sure that describes the two of you and you deserve that credit.

Once again, glad you found this caring community.  None of us ever thought we would be here... .but we are.  We are learning from each other... .bolstering up each other.   While some of the posts you read are heart-breaking, there are many that tell of breakthroughs... .give hope.   Continue to do your learning (so much available on this website... .with links to more. 

Looking forward to reading updates from you.  Remember, you are not alone on this journey and I sincerely hope in knowing that, you find some comfort.

Huat

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Sweet216:
You did not cause your daughter's BPD any more than I caused my daughter's BPD.  I am 100% positive that my daughter's biological father had it, sever case actually, and it got passed on to my daughter, so I know for a fact in our case that it was genetic and hereditary.
What, if anything, we may be guilty of is not being 100% perfect in our responses to some of the outlandish mess we are met with as a result of their BPD.  For example, when I see things escalating with my daughter and she is unrelenting with the abuse and nonstop verbal attacks, for literally hours, and I've tried and tried to separate us from each other and she refuses... .well, yes, I've lost it on her, and even that did no good... .and in the end, I was upset by what I said as a result of her constant attacking and unwillingness to separate from me so that we could all have a cooling down period.
The fact that you are alone with her and she is doing this is SOO difficult for you, I am positive.  I know for sure, because when my husband wasn't here to physically force a separation, things sometimes got really crazy. 

Now, we are all trying to get a better way, her included, but it wasn't until SHE decided to be willing to have a better way, that this was even possible in our family.

When my daughter moved to my parents house, which is something SHE WANTED, things really changed, because SHE CHOSE to stop being negative and resentful and vengeful all the time.  I was always willing to change, but she was not.  This is our story, perhaps not yours, but I know when my daughter got what she wanted, which was to live with my mother, who she loves to the end of the world and back, she decided to start trying to do things differently.  It was quite an eye opener for me, because I felt all along that she could control herself if she wanted to, but when she lived at our house, all she wanted to do was beat up on us for everything she felt was not ok in her life, even though we weren't responsible for it all.

In any case, sure, you, like me, have had those moments when it got to you... .and you said or did things you aren't happy about in retrospect, but I know that you, like me, raised her as good as you could, and you still are trying to love your child the best that you can.  Forgive yourself for those times when you lost it, we all do and have, and remind yourself of how much you love her, have tried to love her, and will try to love her going forward, because when you get a little space from all the conflict all the time, you will realize all of this... .I did and do... .

LoTR

[Sweets216]

Thank you all for the positive and heartfelt messages. I was so hesitant in posting but I am so glad I did. I am literally crying right now because of the comforting words of assurance and understanding I'm reading here. I will always come back to these messages and re read them whenever I'm feeling like the worst parent and failure. Things you all have said have made me feel not so alone and that others experience these same types of  "moments" when the ones we love so much can be the ones to hurt us so much. I have been so down since the last blow up and it's so hard to function normal again after feeling so broken. I keep trying to remind myself that she is hurting too... And needs to be comforted. Honestly while reading everyone of these messages my heart isn't physically hurting as much. Thank you all very much... I appreciate just those few minutes you took to ease the pain. I do relate to everything everyone wrote and am very grateful that you shared with me. This is very new to me... I truly didn't understand why she reacts the way she does until I found out it was BPD... .It was so good to know but so heartbreaking as well. Much love sent to all. Your words will be with me I'm sure for so long ❤️

[jones54]

Hi Sweets216.
Welcome to this website. It was a Godsend for me. I am the father of a 33yo BPD daughter. My life with her has been the worst rollercoaster (and I actually hate rollercoasters!) I questioned myself in the past as to what I did wrong for my DD to turn out this way. The only thing I ever read is that there can be a correlation if they were abused in the past. That was not  true for me so I have finally accepted that this is just the way she is (she has always been a bit different since a small child). I as well have raised my voice in the past in all the chaos she created. That never worked and I regret it now. I have forgiven myself. I have a 30 yo son who is married and has my first grandchild. He is the nicest person in the world. He was raised exactly the same as his sister, so again I do not blame myself.
Regardless, please do not blame yourself. You will learn a lot on this website and there are plenty of books available to read. That always helped me. Hang in there. You are among many people here who are living in your shoes and will support you in so many ways.