I've posted quite a bit about my uBPDh, especially here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331089.0.
There hasn't been anything terribly new, more a continuation of the same.
I knew the Christmas season would be a trigger for him and I was right. We're going out of town that whole week so we decided to try to organize a get-together with my family so we could exchange gifts and so my stepson (8) could see people and they see him. I gave people an option of bowling or pizza, then coming back to our house for dessert and gifts and gave our available dates. Fine. One sister can't come because some of her kids have an out-of-town gymnastics meet but everyone else can make it. However, another sister said bowling would be "a challenge" for her group (her four-year-old has been diagnosed as high-functioning autistic and gets easily over-stimulated) but said pizza would be great.
Well, H got very annoyed. First, he was annoyed with gym sister for not rearranging her schedule and canceling the meet. This sister can be rather self-centered and wrapped up in their world. Her kids stay so busy that, no, it doesn't surprise me that she bowed out. Then he felt like other sister used a "snotty tone" in her email (it was a very simple, innocuous email just saying very politely that bowling could be a problem for them) and he wanted to write back in a very snide way. It was only after he reread the email and realized that I gave people a choice that he backed off -- slightly, for a moment.
He keeps going back to the idea that my family treats him like the black sheep. They look down on him for not being a doctor or lawyer. They look down on him for being divorced. They treat SS like an unwanted afterthought. They don't care about any of us. My parents let my sisters rule everything. My sisters are the favorite children.
The thing is, I do understand where he's coming from on some of it. He hasn't really gelled with my family as well as either one of us would have liked. Part of the problem with that is he's very introverted (not shy but an introvert) and I have a big family so the get-togethers are kind of overwhelming and he's more likely to sit to the side and not say much. Also, we miss some gatherings either because of other plans or because he doesn't want to go. If he doesn't show up and doesn't interact -- and when he's there the tension rolls off him in waves -- it's going to be harder for him to be part of things.
But his assessment is way off. I know them. They don't care that he's divorced. Plenty of other divorced people in the family. And not being a doctor or lawyer doesn't matter to them in the slightest. I feel like these are projections. He's admitted before that he wanted to be a doctor but couldn't handle the science requirements in college. He has a masters degree and does very well so there's no problem there, but I suspect it's disappointment and frustration with himself. And his mother was very critical of him getting a divorce, telling him how people would look down on him and how his life would get more complicated. So, I know he's very sensitive about it. Yet, no one cares and I can't convince him of that.
There are some things that, yes, are going to be different because he's divorced. SS lives with us only half the time. That means that planning family get togethers will be trickier. Also, he came into the family at age 5. The other kids have grown up with each other and everyone else since birth. Close relationships take time. They get along with him and all the kids have fun together, which I like to see. But some things won't be exactly the same. (Not helped by the fact that the only other boy is a teenager and the other kids are all girls, which means attending sleepovers and girls-only birthday parties is off the table.)
When I confronted my parents and sisters about SS being treated differently or being left out, they all apologized. Said they were trying to take their cues from me but they didn't know how much we wanted them to be involved. Didn't know if it would cause problems with his other family, etc. I got that. They were being careful and I wasn't clear enough about our wants and our situation. But that made H angry -- again with "See? They look down on me for being divorced and he's getting punished for it."
Anyway, my husband is very frustrated with me over everything. Still convinced that I never take his side. Even though, as I've pointed out to him:
1) I confronted my parents over some missteps on their part regarding my husband.
2) On a family vacation to the beach, I confronted my sister over an issue with her reprimanding SS instead of coming to us when it REALLY upset H.
3) I've agreed to go out of town on some holidays because I know that's what he prefers.
4) I've agreed to never go to the beach and stay in a house with everyone again.
5) When he's been right, I've agreed with his assessments of people and situations.
But he still says he hasn't "won" yet and he loses all the time. I agreed that that would feel awful and frustrating to feel like you never "win." Yet he can't tell me what that means, to "win." And when I point out the things I've done that support him and his side, he just ignores me and barrels ahead.
I have made mistakes. Big ones. And I haven't done all I can to make sure my SS is taken care of the way I should. Those are failings on my part that I'll freely admit. I'm still learning. But when he accuses my family of being awful people or when I know the reasoning behind an action or inaction, I can't go along with him on that. If I'm noncommittal, he jumps on me for using careful wording. If I want to talk to them about it, I'm being namby-pamby. If I do confront them and they start making changes, "Well, they're only doing it because they got called out on it. That doesn't count."
I did make one big mistake. A month or two ago, during one conversation, he told me he wanted me to cut things off with my sisters, no texting, etc. I half-agreed to it. But then the conversation changed and he backed off on it. Well, a week or two ago, he found out that, yes, there have been some texts since then. I didn't mention them because there were very few of them, all from sisters. It doesn't happen often at all and is always something about one of the kids. (I'm getting better about texting about SS, too, since sharing isn't something that comes naturally to me.) He's made it very clear to me he doesn't care about the kids. He thinks it's odd I know their birthdays and says it's "pathetic" that I was at the hospital when they were born. Fine. Fearing prompting another outburst, I just didn't say anything. I can't even remember how it came out that my sisters had still texted stuff. But he keeps pointing out how I lied to him. It may have been a small thing, but there could be other big things and it will take a long time for him to trust me again.
Thing is, when he's dysregulating, the conversations are so confusing and convoluted, I end up not knowing which way is up. And we always end up remembering some things differently. Something like this, I felt like it wasn't a big deal. He wouldn't care that Niece got braces. Why mention it when he was already in a mood? Mistake, I see now.
Last night, he launched into how he gets questions from SS about the cousins. About the trip my parents take each kid on when they get old enough (SS isn't there yet). About all kinds of things with my family. But I had no idea SS was talking about these things. If I knew he was asking about the other kids and wanted to see them, I'd make an effort to organize some way for them to get together. He pointed out I didn't text my family about SS making honor roll. Well, H didn't tell me. I had no clue. But he doesn't tell me these things and then lashes out at me for not doing anything about something I didn't even know about.
Last night he told me he complains to people about my family and that when he tells people how I always side with them, they always say how wrong that is and how weird it is and how I must be way too tied to the apron strings. That really made me angry and frustrated because I feel it's unfair and I have no opportunity to defend myself.
As I said, I feel like he does have some good points. Yet I feel like some of his expectations are unrealistic and like his readings of some things are unfair. I'm bending over backwards to try to accommodate him in all kinds of ways, not just family, yet it's never good enough.
On the plus side, his dysregulations are less violent now (he's never been violent to me -- just to inanimate objects) and they usually peter out and leave him acting fairly normal. The negative? They're almost a nightly occurrence at this point.
