The strangest thing just happened ... I just got “ghosted”

[Red5]

Wow... .’just wow’!

So me and my Son, S32 autistic are sitting in the local diner eating chow... .it’s “navy bean” night   !

And in walks uBPD’s BIL, to pick up a togo bag... .

My story... .my uBPDw is moving out on Sunday, while me and my Son are at Church... .and her foo to include this person are supplying the “lift”... .

So in he walks... .this is not a big place, he acts like he doesn’t see us, ignores us, even speaks to the folks at the next table... .

Wow... .and yeah ; (

We ain’t buddies or nothin... .  but we did go fishing the other night and he pretty much spilled his guts to me about how miserable he has been being married to uBPDw”s foo sister... .for THIRTY YEARS!

I wrote about this ‘fishing trip’ in Formflier’s post about “generational” BPD... .

So that’s how it’s going to be  ... .ok then... .

Wow,

He practically twisted his neck so that he could avoid making eye contact with me... .

Oh’ well !

Thoughts anyone ?

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Maybe it's as simple as he didn't want to confess to anyone, his wife or yours, that he'd seen you.

[formflier]

Sometimes my answer isn't the right answer... .

FF would have...

"Hey Ned... .enjoyed the fishing trip... .let's do it again soon!."

And... keep getting louder until you get noticed!

FF

[flourdust]

This is going to be weird for you, Red. You and your wife are separated (separating?) -- there's going to be a process of disentanglement from each other's lives ... .and that includes the in-laws and your ex's friends. Some might stay friendly with you, some will not.

It's a weird experience to navigate. My suggestion is to let them detach (or not) as they choose to, and to accept their decisions with grace. This isn't really a BPD experience -- it's the norm for any relationship ending.

[loyalwife]

I agree with flourdust. The FOO will deal with the split as they will, and sometimes it's easier for them to cut ties completely than to play both sides of the fence. It hurts, yes and being ignored falls into the classless category. Keep your head up, and although it will be hard for your son to understand, luckily he more than likely didn't even know it. My son is the same (Aspergers), and this past Thanksgiving I was told that at his dad's house he was criticized and made fun of by ex. It went completely over his head and it's a blessing that these kids are 'saved' from the rudeness of this world.

Your so to be ex, will be the one that will be the most ruthless in the ghosting because she knows it's a way to hurt you. I'm so happy that you and your son are building a new life. Be prepared for more of the same behavior and arm yourself with comfort.
Keep up the good work.

[I Am Redeemed]

Have you spoken since the fishing trip?

Maybe he let more information slip out than he intended on that trip and wasn't prepared to see you so he avoided the situation because it was uncomfortable.

Redeemed

[byfaith]

We ain’t buddies or nothin ... .  but we did go fishing the other night and he pretty much spilled his guts to me about how miserable he has been being married to uBPDw”s foo sister... .for THIRTY YEARS!

Hang in there Red... .a lot of good advice in this thread.

As Cat said he probably didn't want to confess to anyone that he saw you. That would probably mean interrogation from his SIL and his wife?. If I remember the fishing story correctly your BIL told you he he knows where to "go and get what he needs", maybe he is afraid you will rat him out?

BF

[Red5]

... .came across this tonight (below link)... .and immediately thought of poor old 'V'; the BIL... .no, he never stood a chance !

No wonder he is a "traveling man"... .

Yeah, old' 'V'... .seems all he has to look forward to is "navy bean night" down at the diner, "sneaking" cigarettes, and "mary jane roll your owns"... .going fishing when his uBPD hermit witch wife lets him (he says she wont let him go by himself anymore), .and making time with the secretary's daughter down at the dump truck dispatchers office... .hmmm,

Said in the below article, "the candy store was closed after the wedding vows were spoken"... .wow... .yeah, that's exactly what he said, a couple of weeks ago out on the sound, and Thanksgiving was two years ago as well out in his shop when we, the "men" were all hanging out... .I quote; [ she locked it up tight ]... .

I hope after this is all said and done, that me and 'V' can still go fishing now and again... .for "fish" anyways... .that's if, his hermit witch uBPDw won't beat him for even asking me, or trying to go with me !

Four more hours till the "movement operations" commences... .

Red5

[AskingWhy]

Said in the below article, "the candy store was closed after the wedding vows were spoken" ... .wow ... .yeah, that's exactly what he said, a couple of weeks ago out on the sound, and Thanksgiving was two years ago as well out in his shop when we, the "men" were all hanging out ... .I quote; [ she locked it up tight ]... .

www.gettinbetter.com/deathtrap.html

I hope after this is all said and done, that me and 'V' can still go fishing now and again ... .for "fish" anyways ... .that's if, his hermit witch uBPDw won't beat him for even asking me, or trying to go with me !



Four more hours till the "movement operations" commences ... .

Red5

Red, it's odd how intimacy is used as a weapon in RSs with pwBPD.  When my uBPD/uNPD H dysregulates, he sleeps on the couch and avoids intimacy as a way of showing disapproval/withholding affection.  H will literally look right through me; talk about ghosting.  The "candy store" becomes closed to me.  Then just as quickly, H will feel affectionate, at least physically.  He just wants to get his rocks off.  Rather than throwing back a few beers to get a buzz, he wants the physical rush of endorphins one gets from $ex.

Thank you for the link. 

BTW, H no longer buys me flowers as a "just because gift," even though he spends a lot of money showering his adult children with gifts. He only buys flowers on occasions such as Valentine's Day, birthdays and anniversaries.  His children get iPads, car stereos, new skis--just because he was thinking of them.

This week, I decided to buy myself some flowers.  I am tired of being the last in his priorities.  My eyes are open to who H is and what he is.  He is not the man I lost my heart to.  He is only the hollow shell of a man pretending to be the man of my dreams.  That image stole my heart, not the real man behind it.  It feel cheated, angry and betrayed.  I am sad and hurt.  Now it's time to dust myself off, stand up and face reality.

BPD men have free-floating anxiety due to the emptiness they feel and not really knowing who they are.  The $ex is used as a means to connect to someone in a way they otherwise don't know how to.

Waking up to the reality of BPD in one's spouse is painful.  But one moves through the pain and one moves one.  One resolves to change one's misperceptions of the marriage, and form ones based on reality and not illusion.

I am so sorry about what is happening to your BIL.    You have not only lost your W, but also her side of the family.  You may have to mourn this loss, too.

[Red5]

*Red, it's odd how intimacy is used as a weapon in RSs with pwBPD. 

*BTW, H no longer buys me flowers as a "just because gift,"

*I am so sorry about what is happening to your BIL.    You have not only lost your W, but also her side of the family.  You may have to mourn this loss, too.

Flowers... .a dozen roses... .yeah, I still have the pic on my phone of the last dozen roses I bought for my beautiful but disordered wife... .and they are in the toilet... .yes, the k-r-a-p-e-r... .that's what she did with them... .I think that was valentines day last year?... .

I refer to that incident as the great "rose bowl massacre"

Sex, .making love... .I have not had sex with my wife since May, and that was sex, a "mercy killing" ... .and it was a year before that I believe... .so no sex life since the middle of 2016, when she got her 'C' dx... .she would act "interested"... .but when I'd pursue, she would turn cold shoulder... .and then "complain" that I'm "not touching her"... .oh' well ; )

Yeah, I'll miss fishing with 'victor'... .but I don't want him to be (arse) beaten about his 'stack and swivel' by his uBPD hermit witch wife hes been married to for over thirty years... .

... .this $hit is funny, buts its not!

... .less than three hours till foo sis shows to start moving uBPDw's "stuff" outa here... .

Almost time to make a pot of coffee ; )

Red5

[Red5]

... .foo sis showed up with her ford suv and trailer about 8:30’ this morning, it’s now about a quarter to ten, and they just left with the first load... .

I could not resist, I said “good morning ‘C’” ( foo sis #2, ‘V’s uBPDw )... .“I saw your husband down at the diner the other night, reckon he didn’t see me and S32(autistic), as he didn’t say hello”... .

All she sad was, “where did you see him?”... .I said... .“the k-kitchen, they had navy beans on the special board”... .

My Son is walking around the house in his pajamas looking at the bare floors and boxes... .

I’ll go and make him a “double fried egg sandwich”,

The next forty eight hours are gong to be weird... .strange... .dysfunction on parade... .

I wonder... .if the other two BIL’s see all of this and think... .Red’s a lucky basterd... .or else... .Red’s really done it now?

High functioning BPD, hermit witch... .foo sis #2... .all smiles... .says to me... .“hey Red”... .is it ok to park here?”

Meanwhile... .if my uBPDw could shoot laser beams out of her eyes... .I’d be a dead man... .“scowl - hiss - searing eye ball look”... .

Gonna be a long day ; (

She said to me, .after I got her foo dads fishing gear down out of the attic for her... .“since I’m leaving the freezer... .I want you to buy me a lawnmower”... .“a used one”... .I replied... .“I’ll get you a lawnmower”... .but I thought to myself... .it’ll be a new one with a warranty so I don’t have to keep fixing it when it breaks down... .

My coffee is getting cold... .Man, uBPDw really looks upset and mad at the world... .foo sis has a amazing plastic smile on her face however... .I hope I didn’t get ‘V’ into trouble ?

I really shouldn’t have done that ?

None of my buisiness... .

Red5

[empath]

Red5, I can't imagine being there as a spouse was moving out. When my h moved, he wanted me not to be at home, so I went out and had a nice breakfast, then some tea. Meanwhile, h moved his things out and felt the need to post on fb that it was the "worst day of his life" and told people not to ask questions... .  So, they contacted me, thinking something dramatic happened. I sat at the coffee shop filling folks in who weren't in physical proximity - most of those people were aware of the craziness. Once he gave the all clear, I returned.

Be gentle with yourself. 

[Red5]

Red5, I can't imagine being there as a spouse was moving out. When my h moved, he wanted me not to be at home, so I went out and had a nice breakfast, .

 - most of those people were aware of the craziness. Once he gave the all clear, I returned.

Be gentle with yourself.  

Thanks empath!

Yeah, it’s a weird day... .we got separated about six months after we first got married, back in 2011... . she still had her own home across town then, we stayed apart for about six more months... .went to MC three times... .and then she moved back in,

I remember going and renting a truck and moving her back home... .and the back into this house six months later  ... .I remember telling myself “no more”... . not again,

We were ok for about another 4-6 months and then right back to fighting all the time... .this went on from 2012 to January of 2017, then I found out about BPD... .she’s never been dx, but that’s what I think it is, .before that I was completely lost and at my wits end with her... .

It’s been a long seven years of matrimony with her ; (

I really started paying attention and recogognizing the patterns... .’and the interval of the dysregulation’s... .and I started journaling... .the period of 2017 (January)... .till now... .wow!

She really started to act out after her c-ancer dx, she is stage IV r-c-c ; (

So here we are... .

I cannot count the times she would slip her rail... .and start packing her gear and she’d say “I’m DONE”... .and she’d say... .I’m moving back to “Brooks Street!”... .

But somehow I always managed to get her back on the “tracks”... .“appology accepted”’ she’d say : /

... .over and over and over this would happen... .and then she started coming after my autistic son instead of me... .that’s been going on since about the middle of 2015... .

Then last week... .she went too far... . she still refuses to take any responsibility... .and she still tells me I’m the one who is wrong... .really ?

They just took another “load”’outa here... .they are taking the big stuff tomorrow... .while me and the boy are going to be at  Church... .

Yeah... .this will be the last friggen time!

She’s just too much... .and she refuses to even consider that there is a problem at all... .flatly refuses!

She is so full of anger and rage... .I’ll make a bet that even after her foo does all this moving for her... .won’t be long till she turns on even them... .it’s certainly happened before... .matter of fact, they all seem to take turns being split black... .I don’t ever want her back here in this house with my Son... . no!

... .crazy crazy crazy... .I just want to scream !

I am actually looking forward to the first night without her in the house... .so sad ; (

Thanks for listening... .Red5

[empath]

   

I was relieved that my h left the house... . but more important, my d felt better when h moved out... . 

[AskingWhy]

FYI, Red, on  your W's health:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/201709/anger-and-cancer-is-there-relationship

In traditional Chinese medicine, the organs are paired with emotions.  Even in the West/Europe, we hear "venting his spleen," "not being able to stomach something," "having no guts for something," "having a lot of gall," "a pain in the backside," "lily-livered," "bilious temperament," "cold-hearted," etc.

The kidney, urinary bladder and liver are associated with anger.  Think of the expression "being pissed off."  

There may be something to this.  There is a good book by Leo Maddow, M.D. simply called, "Anger."  It's about the psychosomatic manifestations of emotions.  

More thoughts coming your way.   

[Red5]

FYI, Red, on  your W's health:

In traditional Chinese medicine, the organs are paired with emotions.  Even in the West/Europe, we hear "venting his spleen," "not being able to stomach something," "having no guts for something," "having a lot of gall," "a pain in the backside," "lily-livered," "bilious temperament," "cold-hearted," etc.

The kidney, urinary bladder and liver are associated with anger.  Think of the expression "being pissed off."  

There may be something to this.  There is a good book by Leo Maddow, M.D. simply called, "Anger."  It's about the psychosomatic manifestations of emotions.

Good Morning AskingWhy ; )

Yes, this is a very interesting possible connection, but also very scary, and as well sad to even contemplate.

I have long believed that there is a strong connection with physical health ailments, caused by stress, prolonged, and at high sustained levels.

We know that the pw/BPD is always in a state of turbulent chaos in their minds, their life, and in their relationships with us, the “Non's”.

We know that prolonged, sustained, and intense stress is deadly, this 'sustained level of stress' has a direct effect on a person’s health, for many reasons, and facets of’.

So it goes to reason that if a person (pw/BPD) has been in this state of ‘turbulent chaos’ for years and years, perhaps decades, even since childhood... .that eventually ‘it’s going to catch up with them’.

This ‘state’… ‘constant and sustained’… will eventually effect damage to the brain, and the rest of the body… a person will suffer (resultant) high blood pressure, digestive ailments, depression, anxiety, leading to heart disease, heart attacks, and even cancer I believe.

I’ve been reading about “cortisol”… what it is, what it does, how it effects… in the human body, very interesting.

… cortisol – emotional adrenalin, released due to stress (danger)… flight_fight_freeze_fawn, stress is toxic to the body over prolonged periods, I read that cortisol weakens the body’s immune system, and effects your cardiovascular system (high blood pressure)… this sustained and constant state of ‘nervous arousal’… wreaks havoc,

So it is not a far stretch to understand that pw/BPD (npd) over time… will suffer these effects (of), and it will likely effect that person’s health, and in a very negative way.

It’s all very sad to me.

Yes, the fact (understood), that my wife… udx / BPD has been in this ‘state’ of nervous system arousal… ie' stress… all her life, if the stories I've heard are true, and they are I believe… then it goes to reason; that this is why she is in the physical state she is in now.

I don’t see this ever correcting, she won’t enlist the help of a therapist, or any other mental health professional… so she is stuck, stuck in her bottomless hole of inner depression, anger, and constant anxiety… and she does it all to herself… I’ve tried to help her, tried to understand her over the years we've been together… and I have also enabled, yes; I was an unwitting destructive force in her life, before I came to understand BPD... .I made things even worse for her… and I now feel extreme guilt, and responsibility for my part in this, .I am going over and over in my mind... ."what if I'd done this different, or that"... ."if only I'd known sooner, I could have perhaps "fixed" things between us"... .its maddening ; (

I’ve know her for eleven years now… somebody was talking the other day, on a video I was listening too… about the three “C’s”… the Three C's -
*I Didn't Cause It,
*I Can't Control It,
*I Can't Cure It.

Yes, I truly believe mental health is directly wired to physical health, I have no doubt in my mind.

Thank you for your post AW, and I'm going to check out that book you suggested,

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

And in some cases, such as with both Notwendy's mother and mine, their "non" husbands were the ones to succumb early to medical issues, undoubtedly related to the stress of living with such high conflict wives.

[I Am Redeemed]

Red,

You are a very compassionate man. The relationship between you and your wife hasn't turned out like you hoped, and you are feeling that you, as the non and the more mentally healthy partner, could have, should have, would have done something different if only you had known about BPD sooner.

It's natural for us rescuer types to feel responsible, even though the truth is that knowledge alone will not help a disordered person who is not open to treatment. Even with treatment, those who are at the more extreme end of the spectrum may take years to untangle all the toxic roots and learn healthier coping skills and behavior. It's a long shot, IMHO, and I am still trying to convince myself that I did everything I possibly could in my relationship with uBPDh. It just wasn't going to work, not because I failed, but because he is so disordered that he refuses to acknowledge the damage his behavior caused to me, my kids, his mother... .and so on... .and he will not see himself as anything but the perpetual victim. I can't work with that, even a therapist can't work with that.

Even God doesn't work with that. There's a reason Jesus asked the lame man beside the pool of Bethesda if he wanted to be healed.

You did your best, but fixing the relationship is not your burden to bear by yourself. There has to be some cooperation from the other partner, disordered or not.

The more I learn about cluster b disorders, the more I realize that I was fighting a losing battle all along with trying to figure out what was wrong with uBPDh so I could get him some help. It's pretty much impossible short of a miracle.

Take care Red, be kind to yourself.

Redeemed

[Enabler]

Hey Red,

Trying to put myself in your BILs shoes for a sec:

- Is he aware that he shared too much on the fishing trip
- Is he worried that you may spill the beans on what you know now you're free from the FOO bondage
- Is he concerned that he'll get in trouble if it's found out that he's been conversing with you (maybe a sign of what being said about you round FOO's house)... ."happy wife, happy life"
- He strikes me as very conflict avoidant and would rather sneak around than rock the boat and for want of a better phrase "man-up" on a bunch of other things. It's far easier for him to adopt others (his W) stance on family issues rather than formulate his own view. I very much doubt you could count on him to interject with "Hey, I went fishing with Red and he's not that guy".

I see the difference between my MIL (uBPD) and FIL (passive "yes-dear"), I know old age tends to hit men hard, but since FIL retired  he's lost tons of weight, suffered heart issues and slowed down to a crawl. It's as though he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. It's as though she has sucked the life out of him. MIL... .spring chicken, pointing, telling, instructing, demanding, delegating... .No wonder they call it henpecking!

[Cat Familiar]

I see the difference between my MIL (uBPD) and FIL (passive "yes-dear"), I know old age tends to hit men hard, but since FIL retired  he's lost tons of weight, suffered heart issues and slowed down to a crawl. It's as though he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. It's as though she has sucked the life out of him. MIL... .spring chicken, pointing, telling, instructing, demanding, delegating... .No wonder they call it henpecking!

Yeah, I saw that too with my parents. My dad who was formerly a vital strong guy, became weak and emaciated. While my mom seemed energized by her anger. In her 80s, she was climbing over the neighbor's fence to cut back branches that were growing on her side; she would get in the trash dumpster and jump on the trash to compress it; she stole a tree in a 15 gallon pot from another neighbor, because, again, it was on her side of the property line, or so she thought.

I just hope that I got my mom's genetics for long life--minus the BPD, of course.

[Red5]

Afternoon all'

Thank you for your reply's... .I/m listening ; )

I had an appt with Mr. T this morning, it was good, was able to 'unpack' a little, .gave’em the 'sitrep'... .I spoke of an analogy, that my brain (& heart) -and the 'hall monitor' gut were all at the movies... .and there are two movies playing at the same time, .on the left, is one of those 'happily ever after' romance types (think Hallmark romantic for TV movies), we've all seen them, .mushy and gushy, and the pretty girls always winds up with 'Mr. Right'... .there's Christmas trees, snow, and cookies, and you can even smell the cinnamon through the TV ... .life is perfect, and “fixed”…

Then on the other screen, the ‘right’ screen… and playing concurrently, it’s an old rerun of "Dragnet"... ."just the facts Ma'am"... .the TV narrator (Jack Webb)… “at 13:00 hours were sent by dispatch to corner of "8th and Elm" to a dysregulation call”, .all cold, and police radio chatter... .badges, and handcuff’s, and snub nose .38's... .and that cool little red light powered by the cigarette light stuck to the top of the unmarked black Plymouth... .plain suits, and GI haircuts... .Sergeant Joe Friday, and Officer Bill Gannon are on the scene interrogating the "bad players"... .justice is served... .

Yeah... .back and forth I go... .Mr. T wants to start ‘unpacking’ why I think I can rescue the ‘damsel in distress’… and to also conduct a thorough and complete post-crash investigation of the giant impact crater / smoking hole created by that steam locomotive (marriage) after it careened off the trestle, and into the gorge far below… sounds like fun ; )
*Why did I stay for eight years, even after she showed me whom she was in the dating phase.
*Why have I tolerated (conflicted) this marriage for the last… almost eight years, come January 1st.
*How do I feel about her “moving out”, .lock stock and barrel.
*What is it about the word commitment, and perseverance, that keep me doing this, and how did my own upbringing programed me to do this, even after all the troublesome years, I have stayed, and tried to “save”… until now.
*What do I need to work on, what do I need to understand about “me”… what have I learnt from all of this?

I told Mr. T what my Grampa told me about thirty something years ago when my Son was born, choking back tears… I said (Grampa speaking to me)… “Boy, the biggest responsibility on this earth, is being a Father, more that the President, or the Captain of one of them giant ocean liners, or even General Macarthur himself… there is no larger responsibility a man can take on, you take good care of that boy, and that brand new wife of yours… you hear me Son”… “Don’t you disappoint me now, me and your Grandma will be praying for you”… “Be sure you take that little family to Church every Sunday, you hear what I’m saying to you Boy!”… (Re5)…”yes Sir”,

That was back in 1985 something… (caveat), I never had a dad, he was “absent”… I was raised by my Grandparents.

Downshifting…

My soon to be ‘ex’ BIL’s… it’s not a far stretch for me to surmise, that both of them… were ‘chosen’ as to their propensity to be controlled… it’s clear that both the older foo sisters are the dominant ones, in both the other marriages.

Why did he (V) tell me all of that stuff, I think because he is also at his wits end, he has been for years I imagine… he is also somewhat of a “simpleton’… don’t mean to sound obtuse, or high minded, just saying it like it is… he seems to be something of a “ne'er-do-well” in certain aspects, personality wise, the way he acts, what he says… he is a “character”… and the other one, and a little older, almost sixty now… (R) he is also a “beaten” man, even more so… he is very skinny now, looks like the wind would blow him away… He’s worked hard his whole life… and what does he have to show now… a condemned double wide trailer he can’t even live in… I remember when he lost his construction Forman’s job, he was desperate for work, his wife, (uBPD/npd?)… oldest foo sis #1… was ridding him pretty hard to bring home the bacon, so I tried to get him on here on the base, as he is a master carpenter… so I was thinking shipping and receiving, or facilities maintenance… but he seemed very uninterested, and said he did not want to learn anything about computers(?)… and did not want to take orders… well that went nowhere fast… back to the other one, (V)… he drives a dump truck, and they dig septic tanks… he is quite the character as I said… where as his wife, she is very well off, she owns everything they have almost outright, she is one of the vp’s at the local electric cooperative... they’ve never had kids… as she is barren, and there is a long story behind that as well (maybe later)… BIL #1 (R)’s wife, she is the oldest, and she works down at the Nissan place down the road, “a big desk job in the back”… pretty much every cent she makes, and what BIL#1 can scrape up now doing odd construction/carpenter jobs all around here, that ALL goes to her horses… yeah!/?… they have three kids, all grown and gone… matter of fact (funny), _ALL_ my old furniture from when I moved her with my kids back in 2006, we started over from scratch, we bought all that day we rolled into town, and got our keys to our quarters on the Air Station… anyways, it all belongs to the youngest nephews ex-wife now, she took EVERYTHING!… too funny !… I can relate  as now I have bare floors and walls ; )

No… BIL#2 ain’t scared I’ll rat him out, I would never do that anyways… as I am a firm believer in “natural selection” & karma…and from the “drift” I got, I think he wants to get caught… he said pretty much the exact same type stuff two Thanksgivings ago in the back yard shop/drinking/cigarette smoking sideshow… BIL#1 and his middle son were present when that was all said, I remember the looks I got from the #2 nephew… so its been two years now… hmmm, one things for sure, whatever MIL, or sister #1, #2  says, those two dudes ^JUMP^ !

I guess I was not a “jumper” (or a piano mover  [FF])… yes, a dog too old to learn “new tricks”… but hey, after thirty years of “hard” marriage in a BPD relationship… I have to give them both a thumbs up, the stories I have heard from both V, and R… separately about the other… there is NO WAY I’d let somebody talk to me, or treat me that way… wow !… I guess this is why they still smoke pot!… and like the two sisters “don’t know”… rrrright!

The Grandfather on MIL’s side, he died of prostate cancer back in 2004-2005?, he worked in the shipyards up in Norfolk, the Grandmother, she got moved into a nursing home by MIL, and she passed only a week later, 2012?… she had dementia…and “dad”, the foo father figure, MIL H#1… he died of mesothelioma, he was 66, there was a younger brother, who had a heart attack at 40… he was alleged to have been a very abusive father and husband… gee, I wonder where he learnt that... he was a machinist… my own uBPDw (s2bex?)… her first husband died of lung cancer about two years ago, he was fifty seven’ish…

There seems to be so much tragedy in this foo… lots of health issues… hmmm,

I do yet wonder what BIL #2 was thinking when he unleashed on me like that… he basically said he has been, and still is… running round on his wife for years now… another thing he said was, “Red, if this old boat could talk he he he, C would divorce me on the spot”… Hmmm, yeah, he’s just asking for it… lots going on there I reckon, buts its none of my business now… but albeit its still all very intriguing, how they all act independent and speak of each other when they are alone with you (Red5);… I doubt that they (BIL#2 and foo sis #2) have had any sex in years and years, in either marriage for that matter… , but I bet… BIL#2, I bet he gets (BPD) raged at on a regular basis… I remember how "brave" he would be around foo-fam gatherings... .as there he had (fighter) cover... .but when they got home... .I bet it was STFB !

The other BIL, .R; he told me a couple of years ago now… that he just ignores it now… and goes out into the woods and smokes… I don’t think he is talking about Marlboro Reds either roll !

When we were building the shop/shed in our backyard with R... .I remember him telling me... .now you (Red5) and 'J' (S32 autistic) will have somewhere to go... .(?)

... .I also remember one of the Great Aunts telling me about the "mouth", which would have been Grandmother (dementia)... .when we were cleaning out her little cracker box house up in Norfolk after she has passed... .she was speaking of the shop outback, where Grampa went to escape... .yeah, the "mouth... .

Too funny, buts its not... .

I see a lawyer tomorrow at 15:00…

Why have I shared all of this… I’ve no bloody idea… ok, back to work now !

Thanks for listening,

Red5

[Red5]

So it happened again this morning... .almost comical.

So today was a day off from work... .after I dropped my son off at his day program... .I was headed up the road to Havelock to look at a new chainsaw I been eyeballing... .and I decided to stop for fuel in New Port, as I pulled into the turn lane for the “Fuel Farm”’ I see ole’ Viqktour (not his real name)... .he’s driving his Mack dump truck... .he is loaded and he is sitting at the opposing red light... .we are about thirty feet apart... .grill to grill, I know he knows my jeeep’... .he looks in my direction for a second... .and I know he recognizes me ... .so he starts looking all over the place to keep from making eye contact... .

So the light turns green and black smoke pours from the dump trucks smoke stack as it lurches forward... .he passes a mere eight feet past me... .all the while cranking his gaze off to the starboard side... .so he does not have to lay eyes on me... .

And then he was gone... .

It’s funny buts it’s not,

Guess we won’t be going fishing anymore

I often think about all the crazy stuff he told me that night out on the sound about his own wife (uBPD?)... .and all his adventures with the secretary’s daughter  

Crazy !... .’I hope his neck ain’t sore from trying so hard to avoid eye contact’

Anyways... .y’all have a good night : )

Red5

 

[Cromwell]

Hi Red5

there is a lot of emotion to process here, along with anxiety of a divorce.

gold rings, lawnmower machines, so far these are trivial type of capital extraction demands.

Just wondering what your thoughts are on ensuring that no risk of apathy creeps in at this emotionally vulnnerable time in ensuring that - long term - you dont get hauled over financially as ive seen happen.

in terms of my ex gf, she owed me $60, it took her 2 years to repay. But i made sure she did, what i noticed most when it came to her emotional wiring - it wasnt about the money per se, it was more about the hatred and taking anything she could, whether it was financially or driving me into the dirt spiritually.

ive been an emotional mess regardless but at least I didnt feel a double whammy of being screwed out financially. My friend in his divorce woke up to being almost $2million down from where he started - a lifetime of capital gone and she even went for his pensions and credit cards. There was zero concern on her part about him being destitute with their disabled son, she wanted as much as possible to cement the new relationship and he had been painted black.

Just trying to balwark here, not lose sight of this because I know the emotional hurt can become overwhelming but if you could detach entirely from the emotions, a divorce is about damage limitation time so I hope things continue with you in terms of liasing with your lawyer and keeping that important aspect squared away, all the dots dotted and ts crossed and being alert to financial choices when in an emotionally vulnerable state not to get taken advantage of here.

[Red5]

Morning Cromwell,

Everything is pretty much uncoupled and separate now ie’ banking, credit systems, iPhone contracts, vehicles... .except three or four elements.
*wills and life insurance
*the boat, her name is on the loan I think, not really much there, about 8k owed.
*the house, I bought it before we married in 2011, but we refinanced in 2013, so her name appears on the (warranty) deed now because we were married and joint finically when this took place.

And she has contributed quite an amount of money and time into remodel of the home, which is not finished due to her health decline and as well our failure to “get along”... .

I purchased her a new 2017 Grand Cherokee that was 38k when it was new, almost two years ago now as she could no longer drive her two door coupe five speed due to her health, and have agreed to keep up the payments and the insurance, basically giving it to her outright, and she has verbally agreed on several occasions that this would suffice  as far as compensation for her in regards to home updates (not completed).

I have another appointment with Mrs. Lawyer this Wednesday to turn in my homework assignment to provide all this information with supporting documentation.

We live here in the states, NC is a year separated before divorce state... .so it would be this time next year before divorce precedings could even be filed.

And she moved out on her own, and is on disability now from the state college system.

Of course I still love her and care very much about her even though she tried to beat up my special needs son, ie’ “fog”... .yeah... .that’s something I need to work on,

But the marriage relationship is over, there is no “going back”... .at least I’m smart enough to understand that.

Mrs. Lawyer said, last time we spoke, that if everything is pretty much uncoupled... .split down the middle, that the best thing to do for now is just lay low... .for now anyways.

Since we are no longer ‘joint’ at the bank, she would not be able to ‘open’ any new lines of credit in both our names without my signature.

And she does have almost 50k in her own savings from the sale of her old home, her “collectible” car, and her disability back pay and settlement.

Hate all this “lawyer talk”  

“Steady as she goes”... .

Red5

[Cromwell]

Morning Red5

With regards to the ghosting, when I look at how my social circle changed I can equate it to the same when seeing a change in behaviour, as having to see what different people do when a metaphorical emotional 'bomb' goes off in the visible vicinity.

the majority will flee in panic, some will stand around in shock and confusion, a minority of trained personnel will be running towards it whilst everyone else in running away - they know what to do. (your lawyer for instance)

When i look back at some people who appeared to ghost me after the break up with my ex, most adopted the persona you described - it wasnt that id been judged personally, but it was how some people respond to witnessing a situation they are not sure what the best thing to do - so they resort to the safest baseline "i dont know what best thing is to say or do, so i will avoid for now".

I lived in snob hill at the time, my ex found little support if any to run me down - people will gossip but they dont get involved, whatever she said and there wasnt many who would care to listen, they dont take it upon themselves to risk getting involved. Sure I ended up on many days, dishevelled, drinking on my neighbours porch, its an eye sore in the otherwise "upper east style-esque" mentality, but my family had been there for years, people are only interested in the big picture of what got them there and kept them there in the first place, "steady as she goes" not put themselves in the middle of whatever slander my ex decided to spin.

a smear campaign only works on a segement of the population that are too gullible to know that there is two sides to a story. In short, I found out via the process, who were my real buddies and not just those i spent nights drinking beers with. I had friends, regardless if they joined me on the doorstep of my neighbour getting drunk in full display and those are the ones who are keepers, who id do the same. my ex tried at the last effort following discard of her to make me "friendless" the part of it is not ever in all that time realising that even it would get to that, I wouldnt care, ( i think at that juncture I was too depressed I didnt even think about it) whereas for her it would be tantamount to death. Her tactic didnt and wouldnt work regardless.

if you think about this, at its base, your wife assaulted her child. Im not sure how that goes down in the culture you live but its something that would make her far from popular here. If there is any bad mouthing against you, could it be a sort of pre-emptive measure to subdue if you told anyone and word gets spread?

Just a thought, but ultimately, I was too depressed to even care at that similar emotional point of the relationship finishing. I dont know what friends ive lost, all that mattered to me was I wanted her gone and had braced myself for what fear i had would follow. Anything else friends included can be built up again but i knew I needed to find some solid ground that had steadily eroded away.

Its hard to get tone out of written word but theres alot from how you write, Red, that reminds me of my friend who spent a life in merchant navy. I learned from him a bit more of a dry sense of humor and that it was actually ok - and healthy - to laugh at times even when there is tendency towards feeling down, beat-thy-self-up days. My friends would make comments about her and you know what it feels when in a mindset of doom and gloom seriousness, but what youve just heard you cant help but laugh about? It felt hard to "dehumanise" my ex or at least I felt it was, by cartoonising a lot of her behaviour - but it worked and ultimately harmed no one - the fact she wouldnt see it the same way if she heard any of it (she would have gone crazy) was actually what I needed, to start to be able to ridicule a lot of what happened it was far better than to take it to heart as I had became conditioned to. she was gone but there were still mental land mines left over I felt tipsy toe around. It taught me that in 3 years I was also missing my ability to jest and see the lighter side of life - it was part of me but it had felt cauterised away somehow. Just more post-relationship clues that arose that her out my life was a chance to reflect- what I had been missing out on.

 For some reason I had the ability to comfort and change the mood of my ex when she was trapped in those blue days of grief, I could find a way to break the circle and she would laugh and I saw a sparkle in her eye. What I think I wasnt so good at - was doing this for myself.

Red, surround yourself with those that are on your team, it will be self evident who they are by virtue of this scenario presenting "a friend in need is a friend indeed". if you feel ghosted, dont take it personally either, some just dont know how to help even if theyd like, for fear of doing wrong.

“Steady as she goes”... .

Amen to that

[crushedagain]

Really enjoy your writing, Red5, though I'm sorry about the heartache and the situation as it is. But you have a gift to inject humor into it all.

I am going over and over in my mind ... ."what if I'd done this different, or that" ... ."if only I'd known sooner, I could have perhaps "fixed" things between us" ... .its maddening ; (

I have been absolutely haunted by these thoughts ever since the day my uBPDexgf left, and it's now been over a year. I am not sure when I will get over them.

Sex, ... .making love ... .I have not had sex with my wife since May, and that was sex, a "mercy killing"  ... .and it was a year before that I believe ... .so no sex life since the middle of 2016, when she got her 'C' dx ... .she would act "interested" ... .but when I'd pursue, she would turn cold shoulder ... .and then "complain" that I'm "not touching her" ... .oh' well ; )

Unlike others here, my ex never once withheld sex. She was a very giving lover - one of the many "good" parts of the relationship.

[formflier]

Red5,

I think I'd have some fun with this... .

Next time honk and wave... .  be direct about it.

FF

[Red5]

Red5,

I think I'd have some fun with this... .

Next time honk and wave... . be direct about it.

FF

Afternoon formflier !

Yeah, my soon to be ex BIL, Viqktour (made up name), he’s a character.

Tonight is ‘Navy Bean Soup’ night down at the Kountry Kitchen… and ole’ Viqktour likes them beans.

… and so do I, maybe me and S32(autistic) will go on down there tonight for supper, maybe we’ll see him there picking up some Navy Bean Soup ‘togo”…

We (I) could sit in the back, with ‘my’ back to the wall, like in one of those old “gangster movies”…

I could say, “hey Viqktour, them beans are sure good tonight”… “been fishing lately?”…

Would that be “mean” of me?

I think; that as I reflect… and think of my two ‘soon to be ex’ BIL’s… I do feel sorry for both of them, I often think of how they came to meet their wives… well I already know; as I’ve heard all the stories, right from both their mouths… yeah, I actually feel sorry for both of them sometimes, they have both suffered decades of abuse from the women of this F’o’O…

…’maybe’ that’s why they were chosen to begin with, maybe some ‘trauma bonding’ took place,

Maybe they were chosen for their propensity to be easily controlled?

... .or is their present day 'personality configurations' the result of years of metaphorical 'beatings'... .well maybe not 'metaphorical'... .yes, 'beaten down'... .now submissive, at lest until the "wife" is not present... .they both seem to be 'arrested', or even developmentally delayed(?) in their characters, personality dispositions... .this is starting to scare me thinking about this... .

Lord only knows…

... .continuing, and whereas Viqktour and his wife (suspected BPD) do not have any children, it is still hard for him, he has as much told me that, that night on the sound. I remember one of his comments to me, “you know Red5, if CL were to divorce me one day, all I would want is my truck, my boat, and my dog”…

But something to note there… his (BPD?) wife, CL owns everything above ground out at their place, yes _everything!_… Ie’ he is totally controlled, he does what he is told, and he ‘acts out’ when she (CL-suspected BPD wife) is not watching him… but you know, ‘CL’ is by no means a stupid person, no Sir!… she is in fact extremely shrewd, and quite tenacious imo… I would certainly _not_ want to be on her “bad side”… yeah, ole’ Viqktour is quite trapped, he is under the _complete_ and _total_ control of his (BPD) wife, and I think she knows a lot more that she ‘let’s on’… it’s a small town, so I would imagine at some point, over the years, information would have leaked back…

That night on the sound, he told me that “I’m CL’s rebound” (?)… he even told me that she went back to her former bf for a while when they were still dating and right before they got married, that was the first time I’d heard that story… another ‘classified file” left lying around so to speak.

He told me about how the ex bf showed up at their trailer (this is thirty years ago), and demanded CL’s engagement ring back… and when Viqktour challenged him to a tumble (arse whooping) there in the front yard, his soon to be wife; CL jumped his $hit for doing so (?)… now why in the world would he need to tell me, the fng BIL all about these ancient historical events?

Yes, he is under his wife’s complete control, one misstep, and _____.

I think this video url / link sums up why he is now afraid to even say hello to me now, after we “bonded” out on the sound that night  !

https://www.you.tube.com/watch?v=gpztPyZ5TH0

Thirty years… That’s a long time to be under “house arrest”… it’s funny, my MIL, and my own uBPDw have told me many times… that Viqktour and CL have a wonderful marriage, and are very happy together and that they love each other very much … that friggen hilarious !

When I was on instructor duty down in Pensacola (the cradle of Naval Aviation), we would PT the students at zero dark thirty… we would “run run run” till the “sun came up”… and of course Marines love to sing cadence… one I fondly remember now as I’m typing this (at work)… Goes something like this… “Gi beans and Gi gravy, gee I wish I’d joined the Navy!”… OOH RAH !

I can almost taste them good ole’ Navy beans now… with ham, and carrots, and celery  

Red5

[formflier]

So... .on my recent trip there was a stupid amount of driving.  I love stopping at truck stops to rest and get some chow.

All of them that I stopped at had wonderful hot bars with soup.  You guessed it... .Navy Bean Soup.

I hadn't eaten any in about a year.  Then in my recent trip I've lost count of how many bowls I chowed down on .


FF

[Red5]

... .if it ain't Navy Bean Soup... .then it's vegetable beef, or clam chowder !

Yum !

And chili... .ya'll got any Texas Pete ma'am ?

Red5