Melt down after meltdown - what is going on?

[isilme]

So after a few years of what felt like improvements, H seems to be falling into an emotional hole again.  He has been trying to pick fights almost daily for about a month or so, after a huge blow up right before Halloween, and some mini-blow ups since, the last big one being him shouting at me on the phone for being "out of breath" when I answered (I was walking out of work early, in the rain, struggled to reach my phone and then couldn't get it to recognize my finger to answer - he took this as me being mad, and so go mad at me for his perception of me being mad.)  That was the day we headed down to see his parents for Thanksgiving. 

Got back, we both caught a cold but he had to stay home this week with it, so he's worried he's going to get fired, worried he's too fat for a party, worried he has nothign to wear, worried he's going to snap at other people, mad at me for missing sweeping up some cat hair under the TV ("I take fire hazards VERY seriously... .you're lucky I'm not more mad.). 

Sigh.  Done my best to not JADE, it's hard when I am also sick, tired, worked all day, come home to him poking, poking, poking, complaining.  He quietly pokes me aout needing sleep - tells me the bags under my eyes are "huge"  but then takes steps to prevent me from getting to bed at a decent time, waiting for me to go so he can start a fight.  I know he feels bad physically.  I know that mkes him more depressed.  He's in chronic pain, also making him depressed.  I've done all I can for these factors.  He has taken to calling me a nagging wife now, when I know damn well I am not.  Accuses me of trying to be his mom, I am not.  I know he is yelling at me for his anger at her for letting her own health decline, for being a hoarder, and for being stubborn.  I can't fight against his perceptions.  Since they are not based in fact, and he's actually not even yelling at me at times, I am just frustrated, tired, and kinda want him to go live with his parents for a bit, like he keeps saying he ash to do when he's in self pity mode.  All is doom and gloom, the country is falling apart, the world is ending.  And all I want is to be left alone so I can decorate for Christmas, get some sleep, read my books, keep my house clean.

Sorry, just needed to vent. 

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[Harri]

Hi Isilme.  That is a lot to put up with... .the steady stream of misery being pushed towards you and you certainly have enough of your own stuff to deal with.

I am glad you came here to get your feelings out in a safe place with people who get it. 

hang in there and keep writing.  We can listen at least.

[isilme]

Thank, Hari.  This year just seems to have been far worse than recent ones, much more dysregulation, lots more depression, anger, rage.  My main concern is that his lack of drive to address his health issues is resulting in him feeling physically worse, and giving up, and so he is becoming more emotionally erratic.  He insists on eating sweets for comfort food, as a type II diabetic, and wonders why he feels crappy.  He refuses to test his sugar even once a day, relying on the overall 3-month measure to tell him how he's doing. 

I think he believes if he doesn't test, or that testing is a waste of time, he can pretend it's not his fault his sugar is off, play like he didn't know.  And then he can also pretend he ate okay each day, and that his high sugar is not his fault.  He's blameshifting against his own body.

It frustrates me, because I know if I was the diabetic, I'd be testing, adjusting my intake so I'd stay close to target most days.  Because I don't want to go blind or lose my legs.  He claims he doesn't want to go blind or has pity parties for how his legs feel and tells me he'll understand if I leave him once he's in a wheel chair.   But he won't step up to the damn plate and DO something. 

But I can't control him.  I know this.  And my attempts to even gently remind him to take meds, ask if he'd like to exercise, etc. are met with "stop being my mom, jeez, no wonder I wanted 20 years to get married, all you do is nag." 

I don't nag.  I know I don't.  I don't even ask for help.  I bring in groceries, alone, unless one set of friends is over and they are adamant about helping.  I don't ask for help with laundry, dishes, the yard, the animals.  I just do it as I can to make myself feel not stressed at a mess or worried about the animals.    But I get accused of nagging" silently in my mind - so I just can't win.

He just counts anything I say he doesn't like as nagging.  Lol - a few weeks back I was going to run an errand and he asked what he could do as far as cleaning.  I never ask him to do chores.  It's a waste of my time and just puts him in a mood.  But the trash was full, and I figured of all tasks, he could do that and get it done, and I'd come back and literally do everything else.  He acted like taking out the trash was the biggest gift he could do, he was so weary of all my demands on his time (and he missed half the trash in the house, and got mad when he saw me taking it out before guests arrived). 

Another bit of the continuing fight from last night - his boss is paying me to make some small dolls for Christmas.  I had spoken to him Wednesday night, explained where I was, what I had left to do on the 2nd doll (one arm and a scarf).  I was in pain all yesterday, very tired, and crashed on the couch for a short while when I got home, even though he hates me falling asleep on the couch (calls me lazy half the time - projection of anger at his mom).  Then, I cooked us a  small dinner, not sure what my stomach would tolerate, and got to work on that arm and scarf.  He walks up, and asks me which doll I'm working on, and I am afraid I was a bit snappy - told him the same one I'd been talking about the night before when we had the conversation.  When he asks "how is that going," I have no way to tell him.  He knows nothing about what I do, how it's done, and the limitations of crocheting dolls - it's all loops of yarn, not steel.  He gets mad if he makes some outlandish suggestion and I can't see how to do it, and so don't do it.  I am disrespecting him.  So I admit when he asks, I am on edge.  I heard "This is for my boss, you were lazy sleeping tonight, hurry up and get all 5 dolls done already, don't make me look bad."  He may have geuinely thoght he was being nice.  But I snapped, reminded him we'd already talked about it, got yelled at for about15 minutes for being rude and how I am supposed to "learn" to not be rude anymore.  "How mean do I need to be for you to never be rude again?"  Told him I am human, I am sorry I was rude, but I am in some pain and very tired, and have the same cold he does.  Didn't matter.  Got told this weird gem, "Here I am, "letting" you sit and do nothing, allowing you to work on something you enjoy and you're rude to me."  What the heck?  Hurting my arthritic hands to meet a deadline so as to not let him down is "letting" me do "nothing"?  Yes, I enjoy it.  I also enjoy reading my books, and sleeping, and can benefit more from that these days than about $75 from making a few toys.  But I promised her I'd make them and so I am committed.  I am also finishing two other freelance projects he just dropped in a fit, as I have time.  Glad to know I'm "allowed" to do "nothing".

Overall he's a bit better today, he made it to work, and it's sunny, and warmer - all of this contributes to a better mood.  I also made us both chamomile tea last night, helped me a bit.  But my stomach is still in mystery pain, and I am exhausted, and not looking forward to being home with him all weekend.  How horrible am I to feel this way  I should not want him to go away for a bit, I am just really tired, and it never seems to improve. 

[Harri]

But my stomach is still in mystery pain, and I am exhausted, and not looking forward to being home with him all weekend.  How horrible am I to feel this way.   I should not want him to go away for a bit, I am just really tired, and it never seems to improve.

Isilme, I think it is normal to feel the way you do.  Of course you don't want to be around him while he is miserable and lashing out like he is on top of watching not take action to get better. 

In your title you ask what is going on.  Could it be that he is a bit worse but you are more aware and conscious of what he is doing and how it affects you?  I know you mostly write to vent so I don't want to push too much but (!) it is a lot to deal with and he turns on you a lot.  His comment about allowing you to make the dolls?       You've been feeling sick for a while too.  It all takes a toll as you know Isilme.

[isilme]

I ended up doing something to my shoulder between Friday night and waking up Saturday.  It hurt really badly like can't-turn-my-head badly, I didn't get much I wanted done this weekend - I was looking forward to putting up the tree and lights outside.  Stomach pain subsided - I had been out of probiotics, I am back on them, think that was a big cause of it.  My digestive track has just been destroyed by antibiotics and stress, and lack of proper restful sleep.  The worst that happened Friday was I had 3 cat hairs on a shrug I wore to dinner with friends... .and apparently, that is embarrassing so much he told me he's willing to refuse to sit with me if I forget to lint roll.  I asked, "can you remind me when you lint roll yourself?  I never see it as a big priority, and if you just it you can bring me the roller and help me?"  He was not fond of this idea, saying "do I need to remind you to put on shoes, too?" He is, of course, forgetting that I am often dressed long before him, avoiding sitting to avoid cat hair, sometimes up to an hour while he obsesses over clothes and complains about how he looks, and then demands for me to help him find some article of clothes he's misplaced - I kinda forget the damn lint roller. Anyway, I tried to put it back in his court - I figure it makes more sense if it bothers him so much to help me than try to shame me and look like an ass, "I won't sit with my wife because she forgot to lint roll," yeah, that's going to make ME looks like the crazy person, riiiiiiiiight?

Annnnnnnnd, our washing machine broke.  I pretty much just told him to please not freak out, I'd get ahold of the repair guy (if he's still alive, he's pretty elderly) and in the meantime go to the laundromat - it's an inconvenience but not much beyond that.  I didn't make it Saturday, I was in so much pain - I ran a few errands, mostly to get some fancy yarn for Dumbledore's robes (Hobby Lobby is closed on Sunday) and pick up dinner.  All in all, it was not a terrible day, in spite of the pain.  I hurt pretty badly no matter what I did, tried soaking in the tub with salts and a book, hot shower after, ice, pain rubs and ibuprofen, finally just told him the only position that didn't hurt was flat on my back so I was going to bed.  He did not complain, even though I knew that at 2AM he still thought we could stay up and watch a movie when he got tired of video games.

Yesterday was also okay.  I told him I planned to wash dishes while my phone charged, then go to the store and then to the laundromat and get laundry done, and he offered to do dishes.  He NEVER does dishes.  Ever.  He complains about the 9 months he worked as a dishwasher in a local restaurant, and how he should never had to do them again.  And, to be honest, he only did maybe 1/2 of them, but that's half I don't have to do.  I guess his concern over the bags under my eyes might extend to more than being embarrassed I am so ugly and look so beat up and tired no matter what makeup tricks I try.  Not that I've ever been good at makeup tricks, but there's only so much concealer can do.  I made sure to thank him, to validate that he helped me and I appreciate it.  He actually told me thank you for doing the laundry.  I guess he remembers how much I hated going to the laundromat for the 12-13 years before we had a washer and dryer.  This time I kinda was like no-bothers-given and took my yarn and crocheted while there to not lose time from getting the dolls done in time to ship them.  Hermione is almost done, just needs more hair and arms :D

So, Harry and Ron are done, Hermione is 3/4 done, and I think I can get Dumbledore and Snape finished well in time to send them to his boss and work out if she can PayPal me for them and how much to ask for shipping.  Then I can do the dolls for his niece and nephew I do each year, a hat for my secret Santa person at work, and maybe a Jabba for H (or sock monkey slippers) before Christmas day. 

I also told him my plans for lights outside, which includes a simple strip along the roof.  I can do it, I enjoy it, but it freaks him out.  I suppose my being on a ladder invalidates his fear of heights?  I just told him I don't intend to live in a bubble (how we describe his aprents giving up on life), it's important to me, and I want to put up lights and I will be careful and it will be fine.  Ironically, when It comes to working on security lights, he's totally fine with me being on a ladder 

Shoulder still hurts, but seems less painful overall - I can turn my head to drive, now, so that is a big improvement.  H stayed in this morning, did not sleep again.  I'll make him drink some tea tonight.  His insomnia feeds mine, so I need him to sleep, too. 

Could it be that he is a bit worse but you are more aware and conscious of what he is doing and how it affects you?

  maybe.  I just want to understand his triggers more.  I know logically a lot of what sets him off and results in me being yelled at often is not about me, at least not at first.  If I JADE, he makes it about me even more.  The more I know about his feelings, the easier it is for me to avoid allowing them to hurt me.  If I know that he is feeling fat and ugly, his objections about what to wear to a party 1 week away, blaming me he has nothing to wear, makes some sort of sense.