How do you not take their behavior personally?

[Dasher]

Hi, all-

I’m new here. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost six months and recently realized that he may have BPD. I had my first counseling appointment today with a therapist who specializes in personality disorders. I came home feeling encouraged and hopeful.

My boyfriend came home from work and I gave him a big hug as usual. And as usual he was resistant. We went out to dinner and had a really good time. There was traffic on the way home that stressed him out. He became agitated and aggressive in his driving. He had mentioned something about being intimate when we got home.

When we did arrive home I brought up the intimacy and he blew me off. Then he laid in bed. He was still in a bad mood so I left the room and returned a half an hour later or so to see if he had cooled off. He was still in bed and on his phone. I laid next to him and tried to cuddle with him, showing him that I loved him. He pulled away and said he was full from dinner and fat. He then turned on his side- facing away from me- and pulled the blankets over his head.

I walked out of the room holding back tears. I don’t know how I’m to not take situations like this personally. Almost every time I try to hug him he responds with an ache or pain and pulls away.

I want to be supportive of him. At times I feel very hopeful. But then something like this happens and I’m just so sad. I feel so alone. I am a sensitive person and while I can tell myself that this is because of what he’s going through, it doesn’t make it any easier. I want to retreat and go into self preservation mode. How do you get though this period without it tearing you apart? How do you ensure your needs are met in the relationship? How do you keep it from becoming all about the pwBPD? I feel very overwhelmed with all of this right now... .and so very alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jp254958]

I can only speak about my experience.

When I was with my ex years ago, I couldn’t *not* take it personally. When it ended, I was crushed. Years of therapy and codependency meetings have put me in a place where I’m able to leave disrespectful, aloof or abusive behavior. Why?  Because  my validation comes not from someone else - it comes from me. Knowing that - and that how other people act (their moods, reactionary, fears, misery, etc.) is entirely on them.

How others feel has little to do with you and everything to do with them.

When you’re with your boyfriend, you probably expect some form of mirroring. If you’re affectionate, you want affection back. While that’s impossible all the time even with “typical” couples, it should be fairly normal and consistent in a healthy relationship. When your boyfriend shuts down, it’s not about you. There are a variety of things going on, both nature and nurture, but you can’t change that. It’s a fantasy on your part of you think you can make him feel better. There may even be times where your support seemed to help, but his response will likely grow worse and worse.

What you can do for yourself is read books and seek help. Perhaps the following books:  1) Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, 2) I Hate You Don’t Leave Me, 3) Stop Walking on Eggshells.  There are many others that are great books too. You can also try a codependent’s anonymous meeting online or, if nearby, in person. You can also seek out a professional to talk to.

What I’ve learned is that how I respond to others is my responsibility. Whether it’s a partner, family, or someone who didn’t think me for holding the elevator for them - how I feel and act is on me, and how they feel and act is 100% on them.

Hope this helps in some capacity.

[jp254958]

Also: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Even if you’re not codependent, it has amazing life lessons for everyone.

[Dasher]

Hi, jp254958-

Thank you for taking the time to respond and share your experience and advice. I love to read and will add your book recommendations to my list. I have already started “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.

I guess what it comes down to for me is that I want a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship. Who doesn’t, right? Lol! I don’t take what he says about/to me in anger as truth and I don’t allow his actions to make me feel like I’m unworthy or unlovable. But the words and actions do hurt. Now that these behaviors are coming out in my boyfriend I struggle with staying and trying to support him or just getting out while it’s early and we have no real ties (although we do live together).

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years. I’ve pretty much been single since we split 8 years ago. I’m at the point in life where I’d rather be alone than deal with anything even slightly unhealthy... .yet I haven’t left my boyfriend. I guess you can say I’m very conflicted right now.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Dasher,

I talked about some of the physical affection issues with another member in their thread here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330971.msg13017183#msg13017183

I don't know if any of it would be useful to you or not, but maybe check it out and see what you think?

I'm glad that you don't let his actions make you feel unworthy or unlovable. But, yes, it can be very hurtful when someone pulls away from us physically.

I get what you're saying about how, after a long unhappy marriage, you feel like you want to run from anything unhealthy. That's totally understandable and I relate to it to some extent.

Do you know some of the reasons why you haven't left? What are some of the things in the relationship that you value?

[Dasher]

Hi Dasher,

I talked about some of the physical affection issues with another member in their thread here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330971.msg13017183#msg13017183

I don't know if any of it would be useful to you or not, but maybe check it out and see what you think?

Thank you. In that particular thread you said, “for some of these people, tactile sensitivity increases and touch feels physically painful or uncomfortable - this is something they have no control over and is not a choice.” This is exactly how I describe my boyfriend. It’s like it is physically painful when I try to hug or get close to him. He does say that he wants to be close in that way but that he’s not used to it and has never really experienced it.

Do you know some of the reasons why you haven't left? What are some of the things in the relationship that you value?

When things are going well in our relationship we have a lot of fun hanging out together. I like that he is spontaneous (ex: just hop in the car and drive to another town for dinner). He can be sensitive (in a good way) and vulnerable at times and open up to me. He has a good, silly sense of humor. He’s concerned about my well being and checks in with me throughout the day (not the panicked, insecure checking in which I have experienced as well). He is loyal and I don’t worry that he would cheat. He’s a hard worker and will work overtime as needed when money is an issue. Those are a few of the reasons I can think of off the top of my head.

[PurpleFlower]

Thank you. In that particular thread you said, “for some of these people, tactile sensitivity increases and touch feels physically painful or uncomfortable - this is something they have no control over and is not a choice.” This is exactly how I describe my boyfriend. It’s like it is physically painful when I try to hug or get close to him. He does say that he wants to be close in that way but that he’s not used to it and has never really experienced it.

My girlfriend was exactly the same way at the start of the relationship. She's a lot more open to physical touch now, but it took a lot of time and patience, and the key is really not to take it personally. I totally understand how hard that is! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and that it is really really hard not to take it personally.

[Dasher]

Thank you, PurpleFlower. It really does help to know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling and that there’s hope. May I ask how long you’ve been with your girlfriend? Is she receiving treatment of some sort or did you two just work together on this issue over time? Just curious as to what brought about the change in her.

[PurpleFlower]

Dasher I don't think there was any one thing. I've been with her for a year and some change, but it took most of that year to get to the point where she actively wants to cuddle or kiss. She didn't get treatment most of that time, she had a therapist briefly, but I wouldn't say that was instrumental in it. I think the biggest thing for her was respecting her boundaries, I would always ask first before touching her, every time. Even for little things like "can I have a hug?" and "can I hold your hand?" and respecting if she said no. The hardest thing about this is accepting that you didn't do anything wrong if they say no. I think just showing her respect in that aspect helped her a lot. Of course I can't say it will work for you, but that was how it worked for us. I hope that things get better for you!

[Bnonymous]

Hi Dasher,

It sounds as though there are some really positive things in your relationship.

It's especially hard when both partners want physical affection but it is difficult for one of them.

I like what PurpleFlower says here - it's the same approach I take with my boyfriend and it works for us too. Do you think something like that could work in your situation?

Or might trying the baby-steps, small touches, that I suggested in the other thread work for you two?

[once removed]

most men are afflicted with erectile dysfunction in older age, to varying degrees. its just something that happens to them, like grey hairs. yet when it does, the wife, knowing this, tends to feel unattractive, rejected, wonders where shes lacking. the man tends to feel like less of a man, beats himself up, and even might spur his partners advances because of how he feels about himself.

it becomes less personal feeling, when we understand why people are the way they are, and can accept it.

my closest friends and i have always been very close... .we are sensitive guys, we can open our hearts and cry on each others shoulders, or go from that to insulting each others mothers 

one of them wasnt so good at that. hed always say the wrong thing. it would drive me nuts. until i realized and accepted that just wasnt his thing. there were lots of other aspects of our relationship i really enjoyed though, like our shared sense of humor. our friendship got better when i focused on those things. for what its worth, years later, hes a terrific shoulder to cry on.

I guess what it comes down to for me is that I want a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship.

thats certainly valid, and only you can decide if your relationship is that, and if its fulfilling for you.

most people would agree touch in a relationship is pretty important. what kind of touch, when, how often, is something we can all differ on, to varying extents... .your boyfriend, at the moment, isnt much for touching. he says hes not used to it. so it might change, it might not, he might always struggle with it if it does change, and he might not.

there are aspects of your relationship that you like/love, and are happy about. is there room to build on those things? would that be enough if the touch/intimacy issues did not change?