Confused about a friend?

[CryWolf]

I guess I’m confused because we were casual friends then got really close. And then she pulled away. I internalized this, as it’s been an ongoing theme in my personal life. I blamed myself and tried to find out “what I did” and finding possible scenarios. I also hoped deep down that maybe she caught feelings or she got turned off by me. Both scenarios coming back to “what I did” and being too critical on myself.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi crywolf,

I'm much older than you, married to a great wife with two sons.
However it happened to me too.

Keep in mind you're dealing with a 21 year old BPD woman.

Her behaviour sounds very familiar to me, my ex friend is 34 and with her bf since she was 16... .
One abortion at 17, one miscarrige with 31.
She flirts with guys and kisses guys, while her bf is at home.
She drinks too much.

Be careful with that woman.

Good luck and merry Christmas

[Skip]

I blamed myself and tried to find out “what I did” and finding possible scenarios.

What do you think you did?

[CryWolf]

Yesterday, I saw her at work. I tried a light convo, she gave a one worded reply. We both are in a room, and shes turned around and Im waiting for her to turn around but she doesnt. then I ask, "whats going on?"

no reply and she doesnt turn around. then she leaves the room and i dont see her for a while. Later, we both were on the same station at work. whenever its just us two, she leaves and talks to other workers. or if there is another person in the same area, she turns her whole body to that person and away from me.

We are supposed to sign each other's papers and she never signed mine after a hour or two passed. I signed hers. Im trying not to let this affect work but now it is.

The night ended, and she was with a bunch of coworkers laughng and talking and i felt so excluded. I didnt want to approach because at this point its just awkward and she makes me feel like I dont exist and treats me like this. I have no idea why she is like this, and its really affecting my mental health. I need to let this friendship go, and not let it affect me at work.

Ive tried everything to have a conversation with her about whats going on, I try to keep it professional at work but she ignores me or wont even keep it professional at work. Im at wits' end.

[Insom]

CryWolf, What do you think about Skip's question re: what you think you did?  Would you like to explore that here a bit?

I hear things are still feeling awkward at work which must feel confusing and frustrating.  It sounds like she wants some space.  How do you feel about letting your confusion stand for the moment and not trying to get an answer from her?

[CryWolf]

Hey Insom,

I have pushed it aside and given her space.

I have been thinking of the question and here are my possibilities:

1. She developed feelings and she’s not sure how to process or show them and probably thinks I don’t like her or feel the same.  Because a few days later this female friend took me out for dinner and we saw Christmas stuff. So maybe she saw the pics and got jealous.

2. She assumed I liked her and pushed back but doesn’t make sense if she asked if I was still talking to this other girl (mentioned in scenario 1 but I told her we are just friends) 

.

[CryWolf]

I want to send her a “merry Christmas” text but i don’t want to push her away.

She’s been on and off since buying me a cake, and now completely off since the last night we saw each other.

It doesn’t make sense. I want to tell her I like her if the case is shes afraid I don’t like her. But I don’t know. As a HR standpoint, it could come off as harassment at work if she says anything. My manager is a close friend and knows the situation so he informed me to give her space.

[Skip]

I want to tell her I like her if the case is shes afraid I don’t like her.

She has not responded to a number of your efforts to contact her - even the offer to help her fix her flat tire. It would seem that sh understands your interest and is only loosely engaging it.

As a HR standpoint, it could come off as harassment at work if she says anything.

With the current social movement about "consent", I think you would be smart to write this off, wolf. The last 20 days, collectively, doesn't really suggest romantic interest.

[CryWolf]

Thank you Skip.

I was more bummed about losing the friendship than a possible romantic opportunity. But it is what it is.

I sent one last happy holidays text last night to hopefully clear the air, no response. Now I will be seeing her at work shortly .

[Skip]

Wolf, I didn't marry until I was 35. I dated a lot and had a lot of fun... .but I didn't want to get tied down. 

Not everyone wants to connect on a deeper level and many can up and move on over the smallest of things. Casual daters are a bit like gofers.  Cute but you can't catch them.

You tried to engage, it didn't work.

   You have reached out many time and gotten zero or limited response. This is the not going to serve you well with her or in what she says about you to others. In this day and age, clingy or stalker labels can be assigned pretty quickly. Girls talk.  And your employer told you to give her space - which means "stop".

Friend zone this one and leave it to a smile in the hallway unless she contacts you.

[CryWolf]

Thanks Skip.

I wasn’t trying to date her initially and was more concerned about the friendship because we were friends for a year. That’s why I’m upset and the confusion had me trying to find answers.

I saw her at work and she kept her head down when I walked by her. Didn’t acknowledge her.

My manager is also my close friend and he told me today that she became close with one of the other girl employees who liked me and asked me out and I turned down. This girl also was asking other coworkers about the status about me and the other girl as we were always hanging out and posting pics.

So I agree People talk whether it’s good or bad or lies or truth. I’m Bummed why she couldn’t have an adult comversation with me.

[once removed]

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