I’m looking for the right words to say

[Parents! Get help here!]

I recently heard that my undiagnosed son with BPD traits is returning to the UK during the festive period. He currently lives about 2,000 miles from me in a different country and has been NC with me for two years. I have been reaching out to him periodically, more so this year than the first year because it was in the first year that he had asked me to leave him alone and I decided to respect his wishes. I guess that I am hoping that over time things might have changed, that he might have “mellowed” in some ways, although I realise that I also have to be realistic.

 Ok, so he contacted his sister (my daughter) and he also contacted his grandmother (my mother) to let them both know his intentions. It was my daughter who let me know. Nobody in the family expected my mother to say anything, and she lived up to expectations. That is her choice. As far as I am aware my son hasn’t given her instructions to keep me in the dark.

So, since finding out about his plans, I have been thrown back into turmoil, remembering last year’s visit when he blanked us and also worrying what this year will bring and how I’m going to get through it. I will get through it though, that much I do know.

The thing is, I want to reach out to him via email before he comes back. I have been tossing a few things around in my head, however I feel unsure what to say.

My first thoughts were along the lines of:
“Hi Son, I hear that you are coming back to the UK soon and I would love to see you.” My thinking was that this might address any feelings that he may have regarding abandonment, even though he was the one who chose to be abandoned. Deep down though I think that sending this as a reaching out email will just not be responded to. Why should he? Nothing has changed in our situation for the last two years.

This then led me to thinking about the unresolved issues, back to the time when I’d never heard of BPD. To a time when my son opened up to me, when he was reaching out to me. A time when I didn’t know how to respond. I was afraid to validate the things he told me, I didn’t know back then that I could just validate his feelings. I understood everything he said to me, I was able to put myself in his shoes but I was unable to communicate that to him for fear that he would take it to mean that I agreed with everything that he said.

Is it too late for me to reach out to him and validate his feelings from way back then? Is it even appropriate?

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks for reading, I didn’t anticipate my post being this long when I started

FB x

[Feeling Better]

I recently heard that my undiagnosed son with BPD traits is returning to the UK during the festive period. He currently lives about 2,000 miles from me in a different country and has been NC with me for two years. I have been reaching out to him periodically, more so this year than the first year because it was in the first year that he had asked me to leave him alone and I decided to respect his wishes. I guess that I am hoping that over time things might have changed, that he might have “mellowed” in some ways, although I realise that I also have to be realistic.

 Ok, so he contacted his sister (my daughter) and he also contacted his grandmother (my mother) to let them both know his intentions. It was my daughter who let me know. Nobody in the family expected my mother to say anything, and she lived up to expectations. That is her choice. As far as I am aware my son hasn’t given her instructions to keep me in the dark.

So, since finding out about his plans, I have been thrown back into turmoil, remembering last year’s visit when he blanked us and also worrying what this year will bring and how I’m going to get through it. I will get through it though, that much I do know.

The thing is, I want to reach out to him via email before he comes back. I have been tossing a few things around in my head, however I feel unsure what to say.

My first thoughts were along the lines of:
“Hi Son, I hear that you are coming back to the UK soon and I would love to see you.” My thinking was that this might address any feelings that he may have regarding abandonment, even though he was the one who chose to be abandoned. Deep down though I think that sending this as a reaching out email will just not be responded to. Why should he? Nothing has changed in our situation for the last two years.

This then led me to thinking about the unresolved issues, back to the time when I’d never heard of BPD. To a time when my son opened up to me, when he was reaching out to me. A time when I didn’t know how to respond. I was afraid to validate the things he told me, I didn’t know back then that I could just validate his feelings. I understood everything he said to me, I was able to put myself in his shoes but I was unable to communicate that to him for fear that he would take it to mean that I agreed with everything that he said.

Is it too late for me to reach out to him and validate his feelings from way back then? Is it even appropriate?

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks for reading, I didn’t anticipate my post being this long when I started

FB x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Feeling Better 

I don't think it's too late to validate his feelings. It makes sense - you've had a lot of time to reflect, learn, and grow. I do wonder about letting him know that you know he'll be back in the UK. Will he feel betrayed by his sister?

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Thank you so much OH for your thoughtful response, when you put it the way that you have, it does make sense to validate his past feelings 

I do wonder about letting him know that you know he'll be back in the UK. Will he feel betrayed by his sister?

I don’t know whether he will feel betrayed by his sister. She says that he has never told her to not tell me anything about him or what he is doing. She even said that if I do send that email, rather than saying that I’d heard he was coming, I could say that she told me, she doesn’t have a problem with that. I don’t think he would see it as a betrayal but you just never know.

FB x

[Huat]

Hello Feeling Better

How hurtful it must be for you in knowing your son will contact your mother (his grandmother) and his sister but not you, his Mom.   

Our daughter is in contact with her brother, our son, (who we have a close relationship with) but not us.  We try very hard not to put him in the middle... .will still mention our daughter's name in conversations but ask no questions of him.  I sometimes wish there was more distance between us.  We all live fairly close together... .actually bump into each other.  There have been a few times when, once seeing me coming, my daughter would turn and walk in a different direction.  Ouch!

Ideally what you are thinking of doing... .taking the high road and sending that little e-mail to your son is a wonderful idea.  I can hear your trepidation, though.   Christmas is an emotionally-charged time of year and any disappointment felt more deeply.  It would be a hard one to suck up if he did ignore you.

With all that said, I think the words you are thinking of sending are wonderful.  You are reaching out... .a Mom telling her son she loves him.

In this case, I really do know the hurt you are feeling.  Up until this last period of no contact with our daughter, no matter how many different ways we tried to re-connect, she was the one who kept the door closed.

I sincerely hope, Feeling Better, that you are able to take the high road.  I sincerely hope your son will accept your olive branch.

Whatever happens, keep this as a life-line. 

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hi Feeling Better

This is such a difficult time for you  , it's also an opportunity. Good on your loving daughter, she continues to keep it healthy. While your Mum is not on the same page, after your work this year do you personally feel more centred, focused?

This then led me to thinking about the unresolved issues, back to the time when I’d never heard of BPD. To a time when my son opened up to me, when he was reaching out to me. A time when I didn’t know how to respond. I was afraid to validate the things he told me, I didn’t know back then that I could just validate his feelings. I understood everything he said to me, I was able to put myself in his shoes but I was unable to communicate that to him for fear that he would take it to mean that I agreed with everything that he said.

Is it too late for me to reach out to him and validate his feelings from way back then? Is it even appropriate?

Yes I think it appropriate to validate your sons feelings, validate the valid. I think it is important you be authentic you and put your learning into practice. Things have changed for you, we change our approach. If someone was reaching out to me, I'd want to feel safe responding, it'd help me knowing how we'd meet perhaps a walk with you? Just you two and for how long. Does that help, you think this through FB, or is that a step too far?

Take your good time.

WDx  

[Feeling Better]

Huat
Thanks for your response, yes it is hurtful that my son contacts other members of my family rather than me, however, I think it would hurt more if there was no contact with them either. At least this way I can see that family contact of some sort is still important to him. I’m hoping there might be chance of a future reconciliation through this.

I do understand however why you prefer not to put your son in the middle. I don’t see it with my daughter that she is in the middle, she knows how my son’s no contact affects me and she just tells me when she hears from him, which isn’t that often. She knows that I need to know that he is ok, especially as he lives so far away from me. Your situation is different, your daughter lives close by and it must be heartbreaking for you to see her and have her turn her back on you. I really feel for you 

Thanks for your kind wishes Huat that my son will accept the olive branch that I hold out to him, but realistically I don’t expect that to happen. He doesn’t usually respond and I have come to accept that. One thing though, I remind myself when the occasion arises, that I once wrote him a letter and in that letter I told him that I would never give up on him.

WD
Yes, this is always a difficult time for me, I will be glad when it’s over.

Good on your loving daughter, she continues to keep it healthy. While your Mum is not on the same page, after your work this year do you personally feel more centred, focused?

Yes, this year both my daughters seem as though they understand more about how things affect me at this time of year and they are both stepping up, offering support and I’m definitely feeling the love from them. As you quite rightly say, my mother is a different case entirely and I am doing my best to deal with that. I think that having no expectations of her is my best way forward but I do worry that she possibly validates the invalid where my son is concerned.

I do feel more centred until my emotions get in the way, but as I often say here, I am still work in progress.

Yes I think it appropriate to validate your sons feelings, validate the valid. I think it is important you be authentic you and put your learning into practice. Things have changed for you, we change our approach.

I want to validate the valid but I do have reservations about validating past feelings, I feel that it might churn up a lot of old stuff and I don’t think that I really want to go there. I have been thinking it over again and I wonder if it might be best to keep it in the present and say something like:
“Dear Son, I understand how you must be feeling towards me, I would feel the same way too.”
How does that sound as a starting point? Haven’t worked out yet what to say next but I’m thinking along the lines of using SET. What do you think?

If someone was reaching out to me, I'd want to feel safe responding, it'd help me knowing how we'd meet perhaps a walk with you? Just you two and for how long. Does that help, you think this through FB, or is that a step too far?

I think that would be a step too far. I have thought it through and I think that I need to try and regain his trust before I suggest seeing him. I can’t see him agreeing to anything like that. I feel that I need to reach his heart first, if that makes sense.

FB x

[Lollypop]

Oh gosh FB

I feel for you, I really do.

Here’s my thoughts. Your son won’t want to meet you if he feels things are still the same. He will protect himself. As he’s not been in contact he doesn’t know that things, you, have changed.

Does your mother and daughter know about your efforts here on the forum and how you’ve worked to learn about BPD and new skills?  Is this acknowledged by them at all or not known?

Hi Son, I hear that you are coming back to the UK soon and I would love to see you

Dear Son, I understand how you must be feeling towards me, I would feel the same way too.”

I’m not sure about either of the above. “I would love to see you” could be read as needy.  “I understand how you must be feeling” may irritate because he hasn’t told you how he’s feeling presently.  Sorry to nitpick but I know how important this is for you. I think you’re really wise to think this through and ask for feedback. Whatever is suggested has to feel completely right for you.

Here goes:

“Dear son, I hope this email finds you. It’s been some time since we’ve had contact with one another and I understand the reasons why. I wanted you to know that I’ve been getting help for myself and I’m feeling proud of what I’ve achieved over the last couple of years. I know you’re due to visit the UK soon and  if you would like to meet up then please get in touch as it’d be lovely to see you. I love you and sincerely hope you are happy. “

It’s longer than I’d hoped. It may sound as coming from the back foot so to speak which may not be what you want. You’re offering him an invitation and enticing him with the idea that things will be different. If he doesn’t reply, he has the opportunity to ask your family about what you’ve been doing. Hopefully, they can give some positive feedback!  If this is the only thing that happens then it can be seen as a success. This is a long game played slowly.

What’s your thoughts? Happy for you to dump my suggestion. I’m happy to give feedback on your next go!

Hugs to you
LP

[Feeling Better]

HI Lollypop

Your input is always much appreciated 

You certainly gave me lots to think about and I needed to take some time out to do just that.

I agree with you, my son won’t want to see me if he thinks nothing has changed, it makes sense.

I have mentioned to my daughter about being on the forum for support but not that I’m learning anything new, learning to do things differently. It’s not really something that I discuss as we don’t mention my son really, except when she lets me know he’s contacted her. When I went to counselling at the beginning of the year she asked me if I was going so that I could prove to my son that I had sought help, because of him thinking that I am the one with the problem. My mother is a no-no. She took no interest whatsoever in me going for counselling and the only time she asked if I’d seen my counsellor was at the outset, when she then followed up with giving me a piece of her mind over something that she’d been stewing over, which then escalated into a personal verbal attack on me. So no, now I tell my mother nothing.

I’m not sure about either of the above. “I would love to see you” could be read as needy.  “I understand how you must be feeling” may irritate because he hasn’t told you how he’s feeling presently.  Sorry to nitpick but I know how important this is for you. I think you’re really wise to think this through and ask for feedback. Whatever is suggested has to feel completely right for you.

I don’t think you are nitpicking at all, you are giving me exactly what I have asked for, I am looking for feedback and help with this. I was unsure myself about both of my attempts and I am glad that you suggested how you thought my son might perceive them, I see it too now that you’ve pointed it out.

You are right, whatever is suggested has to feel completely right for me, and I thank you for that. As WD says too, it has to be authentic. It has to be something that I would write myself if I could just find the right words.

Here goes:

“Dear son, I hope this email finds you. It’s been some time since we’ve had contact with one another and I understand the reasons why. I wanted you to know that I’ve been getting help for myself and I’m feeling proud of what I’ve achieved over the last couple of years. I know you’re due to visit the UK soon and  if you would like to meet up then please get in touch as it’d be lovely to see you. I love you and sincerely hope you are happy. “

Thanks for this, I like it but I feel it needs tweaking a bit. It might be helpful for you to know that I contacted him in July to wish him a happy birthday and to let him know that I had been for counselling, where I had gained new perspective and had come to realise that I hadn’t been the mother that he’d needed me to be. I also contacted him in September to let him know that I was thinking about him, that I hoped he was happy and enjoying his life, and that I will always love him and be here for him.

I’ll have a go at tweaking, and would appreciate your feedback:

Dear Son, I hope this email finds you. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you and I understand the reasons why. I want you to know that with help, I am still working on myself and I am feeling proud of what I’ve achieved. I know that you will soon be visiting and if you would like to meet up then please get in touch as it’d be lovely to see you etc

I’m not sure if I’m 100% in favour of the meeting up part at the moment as it feels like it’s something that I would write to a friend who I’d not seen in a while, but then again, that might be what’s needed. I’m probably overthinking it. I think I find it difficult because I’ve got thoughts at the back of my mind from past meetings with him, worries that I need to get rid of as I don’t want them to affect any communication with him.

I want to thank you again Lollypop, it means so much to me 

FB x

[Only Human]

I really like this part,

I am still working on myself

We are all a work in progress.

I also like what you said in a previous email,

I had been for counselling, where I had gained new perspective and had come to realise that I hadn’t been the mother that he’d needed me to be.

I think it's important to show our kids that we can reflect on our past behavior with an open mind. He doesn't know it (yet) but he's lucky to have you.

I don't have any suggestions, I also struggle with communicating. I'm grateful for this thread because it helps me too 

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi FB

I tend to write quite formally and my son knows that. He too talks that way too sometimes. It’s reflective of my whole self actually that’s madly combined with a overfriendliness. I think you’re right about it sounding friendlike. I hadn’t thought of that before.

You’re sending a invitation without any expectations so wording is a challenge. But you got this! I really like your tweaks and if I can advise I’d say leave it a few days and re-read it with fresh eyes. When or if you send it, make sure it’s intentionally done and not impetuously after a wine or feeling emotional (this isn’t for you but anybody else reading this post!).

Only time will tell if he’s still blacking you, or if he’s prepared to give in to his curiosity or see the sense that you are his mum and he’s better with you in his life.

He’s very lucky to have you. For what it’s worth, I find you truly amazing. You’re not giving up on him. You’re showing him that family, that he, is important. One day, maybe, impetuously even - he’ll get in touch. One step towards a long journey that needs to be constantly negotiated.

My son said to me yesterday “you have changed but I feel you can always slip back so easily. I was always going to find out who I was as a person, to grow up but it had to be in my time not yours”.

This is his truth.

This may seem a little manipulative but I’d tell my daughter that I’ve sent an email and mention how hard it’s been learning new skills but how fulfilling and life changing it’s been. Not a deep conversation and leave it hanging in the air. Curiosity aroused in your daughter too may be infectious. I’ve no idea if this advice is the right way for me to behave FB but I know how important this potential meet is. If it doesn’t happen this time, maybe next time. You’re building a path for him.

Hugs
LP

[Feeling Better]

I’m feeling more positive as the days go by whilst trying to keep my expectations quite low. It’s a balancing act.

OH
Thank you so much for your very kind and supportive words, it really does mean a lot to me. I am glad that you are finding this thread helpful to you too.

Lollypop

My son said to me yesterday “you have changed but I feel you can always slip back so easily. I was always going to find out who I was as a person, to grow up but it had to be in my time not yours”.

This is his truth.

Your son is spot on and I feel that this could be the “deal breaker” for me, it’s all about regaining that trust, so hard to do. I thought I’d managed it once but then he just slipped back into his old coping mechanisms, building that huge defensive barrier to protect himself. So yes, he might/probably will be wary of whatever I say and wonder whether the change in me would be sustainable.

Oh, I have every intention of telling my daughter, she already knows that I will be sending an email, she even offered up suggestions and has since asked me if I’d sent it yet. I feel that I have her onboard.

Ok, to get to the nitty gritty, this is where I am currently at with this message:
Hi Son,
I hope this email finds you. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you and I understand the reasons why. I want you to know that with help I am still working on myself and I am feeling proud of what I have achieved over the last couple of years. I know that you will soon be visiting, I don’t know what you have planned, if there is a possibility though, it would be really nice to see you.

What do you think Lollypop? If you can see something I can’t I know you will tell me.

You are right, this is important to me but it’s not all consuming like it has been in the past, I don’t feel so desperate this time around, and as you say, if not this time, maybe next. And that gives me even more time to continue working on myself and as you say, building a pathway for him 

FB x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

I’ve just realised something and it’s too late for me to edit it so I have emboldened it below:

Hi Son,
I hope this email finds you. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you and I understand the reasons why. I want you to know that with help I am still working on myself and I am feeling proud of what I have achieved over the last couple of years. I know that you will soon be visiting, I don’t know what you have planned, if there is a possibility though, it would be really nice to meet up withyou.

FB x

[Lollypop]

Oh FB

I think that sounds fab 

Please let us know how you get on. I really hope he’s open to it.

I really admire how you’ve approached this FB, calm and measured. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been a bit up and down - me too. In some ways Xmas is almost too much.

LP

Ps. Stay strong with that mother of yours 

[Feeling Better]

Thanks for your help Lollypop, I really appreciate it. I will probably send my message next week sometime, after I have spoken to my daughter.

I will keep you updated 

FB x

[Only Human]

Hi FB,

Wondering whether you sent a note to your son.

How are you doing?

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Hi OH, I did send my son my email and kept my expectations of a response really low. Good job I did, he didn't respond.

My daughter thinks I shouldn't keep reaching out to him as he shows me such disrespect, and at times I do agree with her but I remind myself that it's not him, it's the disorder. I managed to have a really good conversation with my daughter, I'm hoping she's slowly coming around to believing what I have told her previously regarding my sons behaviour (she's never experienced it herself before, but glimpsed the change that came over him when my name was mentioned when she recently saw him.)

Thanks for asking OH   

FB x

[JeanGenie]

Hello FB,

I have just read your thread, and just wanted to pop by and say I'm so sorry that your son didn't make contact with you this time. As you know, my daughter went NC with me before, and is planning on doing the same thing again 'forever', and I do think I would be exactly the same as you if I still had means to communicate. As Lollypop said, you built a path for him, and although he didn't respond this time, that path is there for him should he want to find his way back in the future.

When you write that you kept your expectations low, and that also you aren't so consumed by the whole situation, it gives me hope that I too can learn to cope better in the future. I think attempting to regain/maintain contact must increase vulnerability - I think that is brave of you. It is good that you've been able to communicate more with your daughter at this time. Did she say if he brought your email up in conversation with her? Does she mind you asking her about him?

JG x

[wendydarling]

Hi Feeling Better

I'm sorry your son did not reach out this time.  I do think it important to remind yourself it's not him, it's the disorder.

We never know what's ahead, we can find some comfort knowing we are doing our best, as you are.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

JG
Thanks for your thoughts and kind words, I know how difficult things are for you right now and I appreciate you taking the time to offer your support 

My son didn't mention my email to my daughter and she had already told me that she wouldn't ask him. I was ok with that. I don't want her to get caught up in a triangle and I don't want her to do anything that might damage her relationship with him. She is beginning to understand more about how this has affected me and she knows how my mother treats me regarding my son, so she is  happy to let me know how my son is doing. He has never told her to not let me know

WD
Thanks for being here for me I really appreciate it. You are right, we can find some comfort in knowing that we are doing our best 

FB x

[jones54]

Hi FB,
Just wanted to say I completely understand where you are at. Amazing how we have to feel the need to be so careful with our choice of words (walking on eggshells). I have been trying to reconnect with my daughter who has been NC with me . I am not sure she will email me back ( I sent a note today) but we both need to remember we went the extra step to reach out and if they do not respond, at least we took the upper road to be willing to connect.

[wendydarling]

Hi FB

I don't want her to get caught up in a triangle and I don't want her to do anything that might damage her relationship with him. She is beginning to understand more about how this has affected me and she knows how my mother treats me regarding my son,

How is your DD coping, she cares deeply, like you.

WDx 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi FB,

You and so many others here inspire me. I totally echo what JeanGenie said here,

When you write that you kept your expectations low, and that also you aren't so consumed by the whole situation, it gives me hope that I too can learn to cope better in the future.

Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us all.

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Jones
Thank you for stopping by and giving your support, I appreciate it. I am following your thread, you have been getting some great support and I am interested to find out how it all pans out. You have had much to deal with, with your daughter, and I admire your determination to succeed in regaining your relationship with her. It’s not an easy path to be walking down, but we are doing our best, that’s all we can do.

WD

How is your DD coping, she cares deeply, like you.

My daughter copes very well, she doesn’t get as emotional as me. Different relationship, siblings, makes things easier I think. She has her own family too and so they are naturally more important to her right now than her brother, he’s in a different country anyway so contact is low. She knows that he will only contact her when he wants something. That’s him. She accepts that.

OH
Thanks for your kind words, I am glad that you are here, making a difference

Hugs to all     

FB x