Your Next Relationship

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was divorced in 2012 from my uBPDNPDw.  Have suffered from severe PAS of my S14 who continues to do poorly with his development and social interaction at school, and particularly with me.  It eats at me and I am constantly distracted by the dynamics and exhausted by keeping up with and deflecting the antics of my ex.  I am also isolated form my boys by ex, she really supports and portrays her bf as "Dad."  So this plays on my mind. 

My current SO had gone through a bad breakup, has three grown children that are very successful and that she raised.  She always and still "has" the children and they are all fine young people.  Their Dad is really not in their lives.

It is clear that my SO really doesn't understand the depths of a father suffering from a broken relationship with a son.  Clear she doesn't understand the impact my ex has had on me and two sons.  As I said, she always "had" the children so I think her view of my situation is a little naive, that it's the kids' behavior and less mom's influence.  When I know it is more mom's influence than the kids' behavior.  My S11 is ok, very active with friends and developing normally even having exposure to momster.

One of my issues with my r/s is that I'm not all attentive.  I find myself, and am reminded, that I forget things we've talked about.  So much so that my SO's default position when we talk is to remind me, "we talked about this... .I told you that... .etc."  I do think there is a little sensitivity leftover form her 21yr broken marriage about not being heard.

Another concern has become, alcohol consumption.  I go through periods of consuming more than average.  I have reduced over the last couple months but I go through periods of more than average, from 1-2 drinks a night, to three a night.  SO hardly drinks but comes from a family of drinkers.  So she seems to think a little drinking is a lot of drinking.  I don't like that I've come into this spot.  There was a time when I would exercise and that made things easier to tolerate and I was stronger mentally and physically.  But I've gotten away from that and have lost motivation to exercise with home and work stresses.       

My real question is, the lack of understanding from my SO and what can be done about it, or can't be done.  I have tried to control my talking about my family dynamics, but at times go over the line with too much.  I just don't think she completely understands how it can be dealing with a BP ex that continues to meddle.

[scraps66]

I was divorced in 2012 from my uBPDNPDw.  Have suffered from severe PAS of my S14 who continues to do poorly with his development and social interaction at school, and particularly with me.  It eats at me and I am constantly distracted by the dynamics and exhausted by keeping up with and deflecting the antics of my ex.  I am also isolated form my boys by ex, she really supports and portrays her bf as "Dad."  So this plays on my mind. 

My current SO had gone through a bad breakup, has three grown children that are very successful and that she raised.  She always and still "has" the children and they are all fine young people.  Their Dad is really not in their lives.

It is clear that my SO really doesn't understand the depths of a father suffering from a broken relationship with a son.  Clear she doesn't understand the impact my ex has had on me and two sons.  As I said, she always "had" the children so I think her view of my situation is a little naive, that it's the kids' behavior and less mom's influence.  When I know it is more mom's influence than the kids' behavior.  My S11 is ok, very active with friends and developing normally even having exposure to momster.

One of my issues with my r/s is that I'm not all attentive.  I find myself, and am reminded, that I forget things we've talked about.  So much so that my SO's default position when we talk is to remind me, "we talked about this... .I told you that... .etc."  I do think there is a little sensitivity leftover form her 21yr broken marriage about not being heard.

Another concern has become, alcohol consumption.  I go through periods of consuming more than average.  I have reduced over the last couple months but I go through periods of more than average, from 1-2 drinks a night, to three a night.  SO hardly drinks but comes from a family of drinkers.  So she seems to think a little drinking is a lot of drinking.  I don't like that I've come into this spot.  There was a time when I would exercise and that made things easier to tolerate and I was stronger mentally and physically.  But I've gotten away from that and have lost motivation to exercise with home and work stresses.       

My real question is, the lack of understanding from my SO and what can be done about it, or can't be done.  I have tried to control my talking about my family dynamics, but at times go over the line with too much.  I just don't think she completely understands how it can be dealing with a BP ex that continues to meddle.

[Clearmind]

Scraps you sound to me like you need a little help and someone to talk to (face to face). Certainly, it’s common to consume to much alcohol which helps us to momentarily check out emotionally.  Regular drinking can also cause us to become unmotivated and yes not exercise which then creates a cycle of self-care.
 
When we drink its usually masking something deep down. Is it possible you can find a close friend or therapist to chat to?
 
I cannot suggest how to talk to your SO – it’s possible she just doesn’t want to take all of it onboard and its possible she wants you to find ways to set boundaries with your ex so it doesn’t impact on your current relationship.

[Insom]

Hi, scraps66.  It sounds like you've been feeling sad lately about the loss of connection with your son.  (Is he your only kiddo?  Or do you have more than one?)  Hugs!   I can relate to how frustrating it feels to have a disordered family member interfere with other relationships.   

It's been a few days since you started this thread.  How are things going this week?

[scraps66]

Hi Insom.  A little better the last two weeks as S14 has had two good weeks at school.  I have an S11 also.  He's good, but mom has fortified a pretty strong bond between him and her unknowing boyfriend portraying the bf as "dad.".  She has been taking away any of my fatherly satisfactions she can think of.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey scraps, I am also in a PAS scenario with my S19 and S18 and understand how it can eat away at you.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  For me, it's a daily sadness.  My BPDxW has brainwashed my kids.  I remain hopeful that things will improve as my children get out from under my Ex's vindictive campaign against me.  I don't have any particular solutions to offer, but would like to let you know that you are not alone in coping with the fallout from divorce from a pwBPD.

LuckyJim