My mother I think has BPD, and my Stepfather is Co-dependent

[Depression = 72% of members]

How to deal with having no relationship with either my mother (who exhibits signs of BPD) and my stepfather who is Co-dependent in that relationship and doesn't see the issues? How do I figure out how to stop fighting, to heal, and move forward in life and focus on what I have Infront of me without the guilt?

Its been almost a year now and I have have not seen my mother in person. The relationship with her and I broke down because I wanted to have my sister over for Christmas lunch and for my mother to be there last year. She and my sister have not had a relationship in almost 7 years due to my sister wanting to work on a career project my mother didn't approve of (despite she was 25 years old) and my sister making her own decisions made my mother feel like she was losing control which she always had when we all lived under the same roof.
When that relationship broke down, my sister moved out and moved in with her partner, and my mother felt it was a betrayl and said she financially ruined her by moving out. Despite my sister moving ot and giving herself some space, she tried to build a new relationship with her, still tried to call on birthdays and special events, but my mother ignored them and only wanted a relationship with her if my sister "appologised for everything in that relationship, and moved back home". My sister refused, and being over the abusive messages she would get from her or my stepfather, she decided after six months of trying to stop and cut communication as trying to have a relationship with her is not going to work.
Back to my story of Christmas, despite my sister has had no relationship with my mum, she was happy to be in the same room as her for Christmas. The only person who didn't want that was my mum. My mum considered it a betrayl that I wanted my sister around for Christmas, and that I didn't care for her feelings and that I was selfish and was trying to hurt her and destroy the relationship.
Since then, I have been trying to keep in contact, explain my side of things and fight for her to understand my feeling on that I just want family together, that it's important, that I didn't want to hurt her and it was not my goal. My stepfather has been the one that has been sending me emails since I have lost contact with my mum, and he continues the narrative that I am careless, that I want to hurt her.

My mother has had a big impact of my life in so many ways that only in the last couple of years I have begun to open that door and realise. When I was 6 years old, my biological father left, later when I was 8 years old when she was going to get remarried she decided to cut of communication with my entire family (uncle's, aunties, cousins, my own grandparents) - I would never know why for about 16 years. My mother always fought with my stepfather, she would leave the house in the middle of the night from time to time and we would come with her, she would share her deepest darkest feeling from a young age, we will get in the middle of their fights and always take her side, we would always be the one to help her emotionally and financially.
Despite the arguments and the fights with my stepdad, he would always come back to the relationship, which I feel was my mother letting him back in and manipating it all at the right time. When things broke down with my sister and later me with my mum, my stepfather was the good guy and took her side against us. He only realised once when he went to a therapist that she might have BPD, and years ago he told me that he figured it out and his mind is open, but a week later he fell back into thinking that the faults in the relationship was all his etc.
I would later reconnect with my entire family in the hopes of getting answers to these questions about my mum. I met up with uncle's and aunts I have not seen in 16 years, and my grandparents where thankfully still around (though they are quite old and will probably pass on a couple of years). It makes me angry that my mother's illness that she has never recognised properly has gotten this far that I have lost time with family, those 16 years I with my grandparents I will never get back, but I will make the most of it while they are still here.
Reconnecting with my biological father was a game changer, he who I had not seen or spoken to in 20 years when he left. He was able to tell me about the reasons he left with my mother's emotional and physical abuse towards him, how my mother would have mood swings and arguments would be so manipulative that he could never calm her down. He got to such a low place that he almost contimplated suicide, and almost did it. He told me that my mother at one point in an argument swallowed a bunch of sleeping tablets that he had to call an ambulance so the doctors could pump her stomach and remove the tablets before they caused her damage or even kill her. The doctors took him aside there and said to him "she is not well mentally and you can not help her, she need psychiatric help and you are not trained for it". Despite this, he still ignored it and later and fell back into the relationship with her telling it is all his fault. He was honest with me about everything, especially his own faults, how he wished things were different, and how he knew by leaving he let us down.

At the moment, a relationship with my mother is toxic, and with my father Co-dependent in that relationship and letting her be the way she is - there is no way to get through and get my mother help and make her understand what she has done and what she is doing. I am sad because despite what she has done, I still love her and for the good things she has done, and I wish I could help her. At the moment I am 28 years old, I live with my fiance and we own a house, I have family around me on both sides. A big part of me want to keep fighting, but the other part of me needs to figure out how to stop, to heal, and to move forward in life. I do live with this guilt that have been built into me from such a young age, and I feel I always second guess myself and wonder that maybe this is all my fault and that maybe I have wronged my mother. Then the next moment I have to remember all this and more and what I have been through and realise I am not crazy, what happened did happen and happened to others.

I'd love to hear some advice on moving forward, and here from anyone who has a similar story.

[Daniel H]

How to deal with having no relationship with either my mother (who exhibits signs of BPD) and my stepfather who is Co-dependent in that relationship and doesn't see the issues? How do I figure out how to stop fighting, to heal, and move forward in life and focus on what I have Infront of me without the guilt?

Its been almost a year now and I have have not seen my mother in person. The relationship with her and I broke down because I wanted to have my sister over for Christmas lunch and for my mother to be there last year. She and my sister have not had a relationship in almost 7 years due to my sister wanting to work on a career project my mother didn't approve of (despite she was 25 years old) and my sister making her own decisions made my mother feel like she was losing control which she always had when we all lived under the same roof.
When that relationship broke down, my sister moved out and moved in with her partner, and my mother felt it was a betrayl and said she financially ruined her by moving out. Despite my sister moving ot and giving herself some space, she tried to build a new relationship with her, still tried to call on birthdays and special events, but my mother ignored them and only wanted a relationship with her if my sister "appologised for everything in that relationship, and moved back home". My sister refused, and being over the abusive messages she would get from her or my stepfather, she decided after six months of trying to stop and cut communication as trying to have a relationship with her is not going to work.
Back to my story of Christmas, despite my sister has had no relationship with my mum, she was happy to be in the same room as her for Christmas. The only person who didn't want that was my mum. My mum considered it a betrayl that I wanted my sister around for Christmas, and that I didn't care for her feelings and that I was selfish and was trying to hurt her and destroy the relationship.
Since then, I have been trying to keep in contact, explain my side of things and fight for her to understand my feeling on that I just want family together, that it's important, that I didn't want to hurt her and it was not my goal. My stepfather has been the one that has been sending me emails since I have lost contact with my mum, and he continues the narrative that I am careless, that I want to hurt her.

My mother has had a big impact of my life in so many ways that only in the last couple of years I have begun to open that door and realise. When I was 6 years old, my biological father left, later when I was 8 years old when she was going to get remarried she decided to cut of communication with my entire family (uncle's, aunties, cousins, my own grandparents) - I would never know why for about 16 years. My mother always fought with my stepfather, she would leave the house in the middle of the night from time to time and we would come with her, she would share her deepest darkest feeling from a young age, we will get in the middle of their fights and always take her side, we would always be the one to help her emotionally and financially.
Despite the arguments and the fights with my stepdad, he would always come back to the relationship, which I feel was my mother letting him back in and manipating it all at the right time. When things broke down with my sister and later me with my mum, my stepfather was the good guy and took her side against us. He only realised once when he went to a therapist that she might have BPD, and years ago he told me that he figured it out and his mind is open, but a week later he fell back into thinking that the faults in the relationship was all his etc.
I would later reconnect with my entire family in the hopes of getting answers to these questions about my mum. I met up with uncle's and aunts I have not seen in 16 years, and my grandparents where thankfully still around (though they are quite old and will probably pass on a couple of years). It makes me angry that my mother's illness that she has never recognised properly has gotten this far that I have lost time with family, those 16 years I with my grandparents I will never get back, but I will make the most of it while they are still here.
Reconnecting with my biological father was a game changer, he who I had not seen or spoken to in 20 years when he left. He was able to tell me about the reasons he left with my mother's emotional and physical abuse towards him, how my mother would have mood swings and arguments would be so manipulative that he could never calm her down. He got to such a low place that he almost contimplated suicide, and almost did it. He told me that my mother at one point in an argument swallowed a bunch of sleeping tablets that he had to call an ambulance so the doctors could pump her stomach and remove the tablets before they caused her damage or even kill her. The doctors took him aside there and said to him "she is not well mentally and you can not help her, she need psychiatric help and you are not trained for it". Despite this, he still ignored it and later and fell back into the relationship with her telling it is all his fault. He was honest with me about everything, especially his own faults, how he wished things were different, and how he knew by leaving he let us down.

At the moment, a relationship with my mother is toxic, and with my father Co-dependent in that relationship and letting her be the way she is - there is no way to get through and get my mother help and make her understand what she has done and what she is doing. I am sad because despite what she has done, I still love her and for the good things she has done, and I wish I could help her. At the moment I am 28 years old, I live with my fiance and we own a house, I have family around me on both sides. A big part of me want to keep fighting, but the other part of me needs to figure out how to stop, to heal, and to move forward in life. I do live with this guilt that have been built into me from such a young age, and I feel I always second guess myself and wonder that maybe this is all my fault and that maybe I have wronged my mother. Then the next moment I have to remember all this and more and what I have been through and realise I am not crazy, what happened did happen and happened to others.

I'd love to hear some advice on moving forward, and here from anyone who has a similar story.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hello! 

Welcome to our online family! It's great that you have found us and shared your story with us. Believe me, you are not alone! I hear bits and pieces from others who have experienced similar things to yours, but the extent of time that you were not allowed to see your family mirrors my own experience so much! From the time I was 12 years old, we also were not allowed to see my grandparents (who lived one house away) or any other relatives. Once I got married and had children, I finally slowly began to see family members again, but it was about 20 years from the 'banning' until then. it wasn't until I began in counseling in my late 40's that I felt freedom to begin to reach out to them without fear of my uBPDm finding out and getting angry and feeling betrayed.

I wonder if you have ever heard about Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle? This sounds much like what you have described that is going on in your family between your mom and the various family members. What do you think?

Wools

[Harri]

I want to join Wools in saying welcome!   I am glad you found us though I am sorry for what brought you here.

You are not alone.  Your story sounds familiar and I think a lot of us will be able to relate to it.  Wools gave you a great article link and I don't want to give you too many right away.  Let's just say we have plenty more lessons and tools that can help you as you decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your mom.  Your decision does not have to be permanent nor does it have to be either

A big part of me want to keep fighting, but the other part of me needs to figure out how to stop, to heal, and to move forward in life

.  You can work on healing while giving yourself time and some distance while also learning how to set boundaries, detach emotionally and learn communication skills that will help you in all areas of your life.  We can help you with all of that.  Some of us are just starting and others are further along but we all share and support each other.

Glad you found us.   

[Daniel H]

Hi Wools and Harry, Thank you both for welcoming me to the forum. There is a lot of information here, especially on the other discussions. I feel it will be great to relate to other's experiences, and hopefully contribute to other discussions. As much as I have support from Family and Friends, it is hard to find people going through the same thing I am, so I think this is a great place to talk to people who have lived through similar situations and overall feel like we are not all alone in this.

REPLY TO Woolspinner2000: Thank you of sharing your story with me. Also, I will take on from now on the short form uBPDm as my mother is undiagnosed but does show the signs based on the reading I have done and utilising the "Walking on Eggshells Workbook". Question for you if you don't mind me asking: How did you cope knowing you had lost time with your family members such as your grandparents after reconnecting - and coming to terms with that? For me trying to come to terms with it, as much as i except that "I can't do anything really about it", a big part of me is devastated, hurt and sometimes angry.
In regards to the Karpman Triangle, i had never heard of it - but it was a great read and eye opening - thank you for sharing. I feel in the past I have been in that situation before, either with (My Mother, Me, My Sister, My Stepfather) or (My Mother, Me, My Sister) or (My Mother, Me, My Stepfather). For me, I always want to be in centre and refuse the opponents force. For my mother and my stepfather, they feel trying to bring me back into and argument is a game, a game to manipulate (as they probably know subconsciously how to use my weaknesses built into me from a young age) and make me feel guilty for doing something wrong in their eyes for anything and everything in the relationship. The best thing is to not play the game they want to play, even though it is easy to probably give in.

REPLY TO Harri: Was a good article, and will probably read again a few more time to fully grasp and understand. I do know what you mean that it doesn't have to be a permeant decision either way, especially if i want to completely disconnect from my mother for a time. I recently got another email from my stepfather (which is usually relaying what my mother is saying and feeling), and despite I had disconnected from them since April, the email still hurt because what they said about me was not true. What was hard also is that as much as I wanted to reply, pick up the phone and yell or atleast just try to explain myself, i knew it would be no good and they simply wouldn't understand.

Below is that recent email sent to me by my Co-dependent Stepfather as a snapshot on his part in it, 7-8 months after no contact. I did try to explain to him some of what was happening, but he would not understand, in the last communications I had with them i did try to call, but they did not pick up the phone. To explain one element in that is referenced in the email from my stepfather, i did send my mother a text on her birthday telling her that "I know we are not talking right now, but i want you to know that I love you and I always will, and I am thinking of you on your birthday.", from her I got a one word reply "Thanks". I only texted her because when my sister left, she did try to call on those same special days and my mother didn't pick up, and later changed her number. My sister even sent flowers, and in the end tried to make me deliver them back to her. I messaged because i didn't want a repeat of that, and despite myself being upset about the whole situation I still wanted my mother to know she had family out there that love and care for her.

EMAIL FROM STEPFATHER BELOW
-------------------------------------------------------
As it is coming up to Christmas I have decided that i will take responsibility and address this lack of communication from you by calling it out. You were given an offer to speak to your mother twice and resolve this issue but you haven't bothered. I had prepared an email where I listed all the things I had done wrong to you and your mother, taking full responsibility and apologising for my actions in the hope you would gain some insights. After consultation with my therapists I decided it was not a good idea to send it to you as (based on the way you are behaving) you would only use it against us as it was obvious you do not have our well being in mind and I wish to spare your mother from any further hurt. I don't need anything from you, I don't need or deserve pity and the one person who does, you blame for everything and treat like dirt. Like your sister, it simply wouldn't occur to you that you are wrong and you are not interested in hearing anything that contradicts that.
If you are so incapable of looking honestly at your own behaviour and acknowledge you have behaved in a manner that is offensive and dishonest. You can refuse to contact your mother to resolve issues but that is your own immaturity. If you wanted to resolve anything you would have fronted up and spoke with her and not send emails and txts. Emails and txts that spoke of a false narrative that I began a long time ago and that you maintain, that your mother is to blame for everything. Sadly you don't know the truth.
You can ignore your mother at Christmas and mothers day and send her a crappy txt for her birthday, (how generous!) all the while your actions send the message that she is the unreasonable one and not worth speaking to. No one has ever done more for you than your mother your entire life – you would have nothing if it wasn't for her, yet this is the way you think she deserves to be treated. You have no idea how your actions have hurt her, nor do you even care! The only contact she has got from you in a year is to blame, attack, accuse and ignore her, Shame on you!
How horrible for you! How you have suffered and been oppressed! - the trouble is, it simply isn't true. She has always loved, cared and supported you in all your endeavours and put your needs before her own and you do not have the right to say otherwise. You are not being persecuted, you have simply been criticised for your behaviour and you don't like it and attack her for confronting you. Being a coward is a choice, you should give up your self pity too.
We will not send or receive any further correspondence until you apologise and make amends for the way you have treated your mother!
I will take care of her for the rest of our lives while you can continue to make no effort whatsoever. As your mother said, it is better to have no relationship than maintaining a dysfunctional one for the sake of appearances.
Quote – by Ralph Waldo Emerson
“let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of claiming I am being persecuted when I am merely being contradicted”
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[Panda39]

Hi Daniel,

Your stepfather's letter is both triangulation... .you are the Persecutor, Mom is the victim, Stepdad is the rescuer. This letter is also FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt or emotional blackmail.  Don't own anything that isn't yours to own.  Your mother has BPD/BPD Traits and will behave in dysfunctional ways, you are protecting yourself and are moving away from the dysfunctional patterns you have grown up with.  Your mom and stepdad like the status quo dysfunction and are pressuring you to fall in line... .into your traditional role.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The issue is between you and your mom... .your stepdad is inserting himself either on his own or at your mom's request (pressure).  Personally I don't think you need to respond to the letter.  If your mom want's to work on things and contacts you directly or you contact her directly about things, great then you can take that on but I wouldn't deal with the "middle man" (your stepdad). 

We often talk here about not JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) you do not have to justify why you have distanced yourself.  When we JADE it just feeds the drama, leads to circular arguments, and round and round we go.  You did what you did for your reasons and you do not need to explain yourself.

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Distancing yourself from an abusive (verbally/emotionally) person is a boundary.  Boundaries are to protect ourselves and there is nothing wrong with your boundary.



Panda39

[Harri]

Hi again!

Panda's assessment of the email is right on target in my opinion.  I would not respond.  Take time and read here (like you are) and post and see how you feel later. 

Learning about the disorder and focusing on you will help you detach emotionally and by doing so you will be able to see more clearly triangulation and FOG and keep yourself out of the dysfunction.

[Daniel H]

Thank you Panda and Harris for taking the time to read my lengthy message with the email from my Stepfather, and obviously to respond to it. When I post these things, it's hard to know whether people will understand without a ton of backstory. But I have to remember we are all here for the same reason that someone in our live has BPD or uBPD and we know what it is like from different perspectives.

Those articles of FOG and JADE were a big help. I had come across the terms before in my own councilling sessions, but the articles helped to reconnect and remember with those terms in more detail. My stepfather is definitely inserting himself into it and I do feel he is so sucked into everything that he probably believes it all, it's hard to argue that - so I have not responded and it would be just adding more fuel to the fire as they say. It was difficult to to decide that because part of me wanted to react, and it took a lot of time to stop and think, and talking to my fiance and other family members to really realise that responding was a bad idea. I definitely do own what is mine which is a good point, I know I'm not perfect and that I like everyone makes mistakes and I do and did own up to them - but for my mother it needs to be everything in the relationship and it's not 50/50.

The hard thing to live with also is that if my mother is BPD (as she is yet to be formally diagnosed), she is has been in this pattern for a long time and there is no one to help her realise and stop. I was stupid to think it might stop with me, but with my stepfather around she still has someone to bounce off - so it will never change (atleast for the foreseable future). When my mother cut out the family one by one, she still had us and our stepfather, now it's just him and with his own issues too I doubt he will fully realise and want it to change. It is sad because I love my mother, and I want to her to be well mentally and physically and to have a relationship with her without all this crap, and for this crap to be managed.

How do you move past and not feel down about letting these things happen and realising there is no control over it?

[Harri]

Hi again.

Your mother and stepfather are a unit.  Their relationship and what they allow and accept is up to them.  You can't fix it or change it for them. 

I think you/we can get to a place where feeling down is not quite as deep or as long lasting.  We can get to a place of acceptance that things are they way they are but it takes time.  Also, much to my chagrin, acceptance does not mean absolute peace and happiness.  There is sorrow and sadness there sometimes.  Given that she is your mother, I think that is natural.  That is my take.  That things can get significantly better for us as we learn and heal.

Thoughts?

[Daniel H]

I agree Harri with what you said. They are working as a unit, and even though it is dysfunctional - I need to come to terms that can't change the situation.

I would like to find ways to manage the pain that comes with it? At the moment, it is fresh and overwhelming sometimes. At the moment I don't have the tools to get to a place where it is manageable yet as a lot of this is just turning around in my mind. I know it will never fully go away, but do look forward to a future where I get on in life and the pain less frequent and manageable. It will always be there, but manageable.

Any tips or guides to how I get there would greatly help? And, being a part of this community and hearing others stories, relating to them and helping where I can with my story I feel will help in time.

[Harri]

Hi.  The best thing I can think of is Mindfulness.  We have this article here:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind I use mindfulness as a way to meditate and it helps me deal with my anxiety and panic attacks.  It is also a good way to recognize and learn to be okay with your feelings.  To feel them without getting overwhelmed by them.
 
Here is another article, this one on Radical Acceptance, you might find helpful: 
POLL: Radical Acceptance - Marsha Linehan PhD

Another , also on Radical Acceptance, but more geared towards family:  Radical Acceptance for Family Members

I hope you find these helpful.  Let us know what you think.

Hang in there.  It really does get better.  it just takes time.

[Daniel H]

Thank you Harri - will take a look through all this

[Panda39]

Harri has given you some good information.  I have found "Wisemind" really helpful when interacting with my mom. 

I would describe it as being in the interaction but also outside of the interaction.  It's like sitting on a park bench, people watching, watching a conversation between two strangers and at the same time being one of the two people you are watching.

I do this often when I'm with my controlling/critical (non BPD) mom.  First of all I needed to recognize that her controlling and criticism really had nothing to do with me and who I am (my authentic self).  It has to do with her, her perfectionism, how she appears to other people, and that she herself was raised as "not good enough" so she is repeating a pattern.  So her criticism of me is really about how I reflect on her and her perception of perfection as well as her internalized messages from childhood. 

So when I'm talking about something that she doesn't like and she interrupts and cuts me off, rather than getting my feelings hurt, I can look at the situation as that outside observer and think... .wow that was rude, but that is also very her and her issues, and isn't it too bad that she lost another opportunity to get closer to her daughter.  Rather than get hurt feelings I just accept that this is her and that I don't have to automatically accept that her view as the "right" view of things it is only "a" view of things. 

Things got a lot better for me when I stopped trying to please my mother, when I stopped trying to twist myself into a pretzel to be what I thought she wanted me to be, when I finally accepted that I'm "good" just the way I am, that I am loved just the way I am.  Her opinion is just that her opinion.

When I am able to go into "Wisemind" and "Radically Accept" I am able to take the things my mom says less personally and it becomes less painful.

I also want to add that there may be some grief around not having the mother that you want, or hope for.  Radical Acceptance means letting go of some things in terms of the relationship. For me I know that I will never have a particularly close relationship with my mother, she isn't what I need her to be and I'm not what she needs me to be.  However, we can still have a relationship... .a modified relationship.

Panda39

[Notwendy]

Wow- what an e mail.

What I found interesting about it was the beginning- when he said he and your mother were prepared to be accountable for their part in this, but-- now he changed his mind and then writes a strong condemning e mail. Does that sound like someone who wants to make repairs in the relationship? It's a rather scathing email putting all the blame on you. You are wrong, your mother is a saint, this is all your fault and we will not speak to you until you apologize.

Kind of a bit like a Trojan horse-- we were going to apologize ( how sweet ) but now here's a list of how wrong you are now apologize or else! This fits the Karpman triangle - with your mother as victim, your step father as rescuer, and you as persecutor. It's also black and white thinking. Mom is all right, you are all wrong.

In actuality, for most relationships, both sides have done some right things, some things could be done better. To repair a wrong, an honest apology is in order, but with a pwBPD sometimes an admittance of doing wrong could be saved up to be used against you in the future. How ironic to accuse you of this ( projection?).

I know there are things I could have done better when I first set boundaries with my BPD mom. I was naive to the dynamics in my family. As predicted my father ( her rescuer) rallied to her side against me. I was shocked and hurt. He had seen himself how she acted and treated me over the years- and I was the one responsible for the problems in the relationship? There would not be an apology from her. PwBPD are not prone to making apologies (IMHO). He did not send such a seething e mail to me but I recall one where he was trying to get me to be compliant again ( allow her to be abusive to me and enable her ) and he wrote " I just want us to be a happy family again".

Happy family? Who was happy? Was it happy to be emotionally and verbally abused? What did he mean by happy? It was keeping the peace by complying with Mom no matter what she did.

I won't get into one side being all right or all wrong here. I do like the 12 step concept of making amends to someone.

Step 8: “We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Step 9: “We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

One aspect of this is willingness. You can be willing to apologize to your mother if possible,  but if doing so would cause harm to anyone ( including yourself) you should not actually do it. Willingness if possible is enough for your own recovery.

Should you make amends for something you don't feel you need to make amends for, just because your step father bullied you into it, then you are not respecting your own truth and you reinforce his behavior in the triangle.

[Daniel H]

Hi,

Thanks Notwendy, the Karpman triangle was a good read and gave me lots of insight into myself, the situation of what is going on. As much as i wanted to respond, in the end I did not respond and have not since. That email was sent to me on December 1st, and have not heard from them since - and I did not call or email again myself, opting to take myself out of the situation. It is a hard situation because i want to explain my truth and have tried to many a time, but it falls on deaf ears. I need to give myself the breathing room, and focus on all the good in my life, and all the good relationships i do have.

Thank you Harri and for your story. There is defiantly a lot of healing I need to do, and defiantly some radical acceptance. At the moment, there has been no contact with my mother in almost 9 months, and for now it will continue to do so. She will not have a relationship with me unless i say that everything that happened was my fault on me and me alone. It's not that i want to be right in the relationship myself, there are faults in both sides of a relationship and I need to own what is mine to own and I have done so, but she wants more than that and I don't think its the grounds for a healthy relationship at this point.
At the moment, i am focusing on me and trying to find my voice, be healthy and mentally happy and I am going back to my psychologist towards the end of January. Plus, i have my fiancé and our life together, i also have all the family i have reconnected with in the last year and half. Also, I have my grandparents on her side of the family who i reconnected with as she cut us all off from 16 years prior, my grandfather in doing do well physically and my grandmother not well mentally. I want to make the most of the time i have left.
You are right though, if there is to be a relationship in the future - i do have to except a lot of things about my mother and be ok with the idea that she isn't what i need or needed her to be. I need to except the things she says as her feels and imperfections and not mine. I just feel at the moment she is still very much in my head - and until she is out of my head more and I gain more control over myself mentally, that it is probably best that there is no contact till then.

[Harri]

Hi again and thanks for the update.  I have been wondering how you are doing.

I just wrote to someone else here that saying no, finding your voice is important and so empowering to those of us who never even knew it was possible.  Also having the mental freedom to reconnect with extended family is another huge plus and a great way to move forward in your healing.   

You are right though, if there is to be a relationship in the future - i do have to except a lot of things about my mother and be ok with the idea that she isn't what i need or needed her to be. I need to except the things she says as her feels and imperfections and not mine. I just feel at the moment she is still very much in my head - and until she is out of my head more and I gain more control over myself mentally, that it is probably best that there is no contact till then.

Some painful truths here but so necessary in self-differentiation.  Good work here Daniel!  Evicting the mom in our heads is hard work but so worth it.  Notwendy gave you the link to the Karpman drama triangle and I want to give you a reference to the The Bowen Center for the Study of Family  It gives more detail on triangulation, both good and bad and also speaks to self-differentiation.

Daniel, it sounds like you have come to a place of more peace and acceptance and I am cheering you on and giving you a hug at the same time.  Keep us posted okay?