Update to relapse

[Frankee]

Update.  The morning aftermy bph relapsed, he apologized.  The upside is, that kind of relapse hasn't happened in awhile.  It was ugly and definitely like how it use to be, but today I am feeling well. 

I got a little upset this morning, but I brushed it off.  He snapped I didn't put his lemonades in the fridge which led him to snap about the house being dirty.  I almost snapped back, but I let it go.  Yesterday, I worked 5 hours, the day before I worked 12 hours, and the day before I worked 7 hours.  I know he is aware of how hard I worked.  He made me a portable closet and said nice things about me working.

He can see how much doesn't get done when I don't do it.  His brother helped him watched the kids Saturday.  He did yard work and his brother kept an eye on the kids.  His brother didn't do anything else.  No cleaning, no dishes, no sweeping, no shaking out the rugs, etc.  I get upset because he complains to me when I am literally the only one who makes the effort to keep the inside clean.  Yes I have had a discussion before, yes my husband has said he knows I am the only one who does any of it and he's sorry.

I have made great strides in the past year.   A lot of self healing.  I know my truth.  I know that I work hard, care a lot about people, having a cozy home, love the kids and want them to be happy, I am smart, I am nice, caring, friendly, people love my smile and sassy attitude.  I can work full time, go to school, take care of the kids and house, all while keeping a positive outlook.   I refuse to be where I was a year ago.  A relapse or snappy attitude from him isn't going to deter my progress.  I have come too far and I am feeling more like a boss bit**.

Sorry for the long rant off topic.  I had to get it off my chest.

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[Harri]

Hi Frankee.  Thanks for the update.  I am glad you are feeling better though I am sorry your H had a relapse.  How frequently do they occur? 

It sounds like all the hard work you have put into healing has helped you considerably.  That is wonderful news.  I too like hearing your sassy attitude!

What do you think helped you the most in getting to where you are today?

[Frankee]

I got a break.  He started to taking medicine and started getting better.  He stopped verbally bombarding me with emotional attacks.  I found some relief and was able to take the time to start healing.  I know I still have issues.  I find I still get on guard with certain topics.

I am more capable of mentally handling any upsets he has now because I was given the chance to recover.  If he had continued the way he did, we wouldn't be together now.  A big thing I try to keep telling myself is that I know my truth.  When I see that trying to prove my truth to him sometimes is futile, I drop it.  It's a pointless argument and I know my truth.   I recall how I felt when I did certain actions.  I remember the events that led up to me leaving.   I remember the way I felt the last time I left in the summer.

He still tries to blame me solely for leaving and changing.  I know the truth.  I know I am not the only one who has changed.   I did some sole searching last night and discovered the root of certain issues.
We
I am upset with him currently.  He is struggling right now but he brought it up in a harsh manner.  He said our lives are boring and $hitty.  We went out last Saturday and he made the comment that he saw the woman he fell in love with.  Then everything went back to the same.  We had a bit of a discussion/argument.  I got upset because he called our lives boring and $hitty. He misses the excitement, the parties.  Things were different then.  I didn't carry the responsibilities and burdens then that I do now.

I remember who I was when I met him.  Not the wild party girl.  But a woman who was overcoming a very ugly divorce, experiencing the bio dad kidnapping my son, losing a lot of friends, losing a very fun lifestyle with partying, soul changes, losing two daughters,  having to live with my parents when I was 30.  I had overcome a lot or challenges when I met him, so I know I can do it again.

[Harri]

I also believe you can do it again Frankee.  People do change and after the things you experienced, there ill be change and thanks to your strength and determination, it sounds like the change is for the better. 

I understand why his comments upset you.  He sees things through only his distorted lens.  It is hard to let others have their own perceptions of things, especially of us when we know differently.  Knowing where you end and he begins is so important in dealing with this.  It is still ahrd though.

[Frankee]

I look back one year ago.  So much has changed.  This time last year, I left a good job (which I am currently back at) and was fleeing halfway across the U.S. because of how broken and terrified I was.  I was talking to a friend about getting out of my really bad situation.

A year passed and now I am training to become a manager at the job I left then.  The GM actually found me working somewhere else and said he wanted me back.  I am starting classes in 2 weeks to become a nurse.  We are going out again and I have found my old self.  I have balanced it though.  When we go out, I am fun and a little wild, but when we aren't going out, I am buckling down to work towards my goals.

I talked to a girlfriend last night.  I told her I decided that I am going to stop worrying so much about what he is doing.  I am trying to let go of controlling him.  He has gotten better (not 100%) and feel at this point, I need to stop stressing about him. 

I got upset because he kept shooing off our youngest and I went in the room later and saw him with his nose stuck in his phone, texting someone.  I found I got upset, not because he was acting discreet and everything, but because he shooed off our child.  Instead of sitting with him or playing with him, he would rather watch his tv show and text some unknown person.

I am analyzing current situations.  He seems more concerned about Facebook, liking these girl's posts, talking to whoever.  I did bring home a couple women the last couple weeks and had fun with them.  In love women, always have, but could never date one.  The difference is, that is all temporary.  I know here shortly, my time is going to be on a strict schedule.  I am not going to let all that other stuff, take away from my dream.

I am going to talk with him about how I would like him to help out more with our kids.  Not constantly shoo them away because he wants to do whatever on his phone or just doesn't want to be bothered.  I need a partner.  Not someone who I feel the need to peek over his shoulder to try to see what he's up to.  I am going to spend my time more wisely. 

[Bnonymous]

I am going to talk with him about how I would like him to help out more with our kids.  Not constantly shoo them away because he wants to do whatever on his phone or just doesn't want to be bothered. 

This could be a good opportunity to practice some of the tools. I'm thinking that positive reinforcement may go a long way with this one: observing the times he does spend with the kids and how much they benefit from and enjoy it and communicating this to him.

This thread on positive reinforcement may be helpful here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0