Been 5+ years

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Soo, it's been 5 years since my relationship ended and I can't tell you want a difference it has made. And yet, especially as a Christian, I still struggle with it... .did I do the right thing? I find myself talking it through again and again, making sure I didn't jump ship too soon. To be clear, I was told on numerous occasions to go and was threatened to be kicked out so many times (on top of all the abuse, etc), but that little voice always says, "but maybe there was something else you could have done". Having said that though, my life is really so very different and I wanted to get back on here to see how the "community" was doing and just to get some assurance. Take care.

[Ridleyrider]

Soo, it's been 5 years since my relationship ended and I can't tell you want a difference it has made. And yet, especially as a Christian, I still struggle with it... .did I do the right thing? I find myself talking it through again and again, making sure I didn't jump ship too soon. To be clear, I was told on numerous occasions to go and was threatened to be kicked out so many times (on top of all the abuse, etc), but that little voice always says, "but maybe there was something else you could have done". Having said that though, my life is really so very different and I wanted to get back on here to see how the "community" was doing and just to get some assurance. Take care.

[once removed]

hi Ridleyrider,

its nice to be away from all the turmoil, but i can understand questioning whether you did the right thing. divorce takes a big emotional toll... .no one marries with the intention of it happening.

what led up to the divorce? did you initiate it?

[Ridleyrider]

Once removed,
        It was a long marriage that should have ended long before, but I kept it going and kept trying to improve it because of children and other job factors. And it, like most things, would get worse, then better, then worser still, then a little better, etc. As a Christian, I felt (and still feel) that marriage should be forever unless there is an affair or maybe physical abuse or some other "major" issue. What I endured was years and years of verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse from a person who used threats, fear, and a willingness to just "go there" and say any and every hurtful thing she could think of to control me... .and it worked because I couldn't bear the thought of the alternative. In the end, after many cycles of coming extremely close to the marriage ending, she started to run out of things she could threaten me with. Too much to go into details, but I slowly but surely removed myself from and changed situations that she could use to threaten me. So, she started threatening new, more extreme things. Finally, she started harshly and repeatedly threatening to kick me out and made vague references to calling the police (for reasons I still don't understand). At first, I shrugged it off but she kept it up more and more to the point that I honestly felt (and still do feel) that she would have done it. Her mom had done something similar to her long term boyfriend and it was awful. So, I packed my bags and told her I was leaving and filing for divorce and it was the best (and ONLY) decision I have ever made. In many ways, I feel that she put in a position where I had to do it. I only chose the when and how, she chose for it to end.
           Although I know and have tried to work on things I know I could done better, I also accept that there was really nothing I could have done to make it healthy or sustainable. If I would have acted "healthier", I'm convinced the marriage would have just ended sooner. Anyway, that's my story. I really am very, very happy in my life, but like I said I still do, from time to time, struggle with whether it was 100% necessary. It was. And God has given me soo much grace and really has granted me a second chance in this life and I'm forever grateful.

[Harri]

Hi Ridleyrider and welcome.  Thanks for sharing your story with us.  There are several who post on this site who have struggled with weighing their vows against marriage to a disordered person.  You are not alone in that.  All to often it becomes a matter of protecting ourself from threats of harm or actual physical harm, never mind the emotional damage that occurs.

And God has given me soo much grace and really has granted me a second chance in this life and I'm forever grateful.

  It is wonderful that you can recognize this.  Can you tell us more about your life now? 

[Ridleyrider]

Harri,
       My life now? So different and yet some things in my previous life have come back (the good parts). I moved back to my home town after many years of living in other parts of the country for work. When I arrived home, I had no job, no career, no money, no real friends, and a barely running car. Now, through a lot of hard work, family support, and the grace of God, I have been remarried and have a new career. So many things are better than they were before and so much better than I would have thought possible. I also have some opportunities to serve others in ways I never thought I would again. Honestly, looking at my life now, I wouldn't go back and change a single thing (outside of things I wish I had handled better, mistakes I made, etc). I don't share my story with many people and in reality I had to cut a lot of people out of my life for fear of getting entangled with my ex or her trying to get information from them. That aspect has been a little tough... .nearly everyone in my previous life assuming the worst of me without being able to explain what really happened and why (or at least, I think they do... .I honestly don't know). I just don't want to fight and battle anymore and I think just starting over from scratch was the healthiest way to move forward. Even as I write this post (with a certain amount of anonymity), I'm super careful to be vague enough not to be identified. Perhaps I'm being paranoid. Anyway, that's my story... .so far.

[once removed]

do the two of you have children together?