The aftermath after being blocked PART 2 Anxious

[Yellowpearl]

I posted this thread, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331147.msg13016014#msg13016014. This is an update.

As after the blow up 2 months ago, we had blocked each other, and I thought maybe he was done for good. I was so anxious about this and spent so much time about thinking about sending an apology for my own actions. I sat on it for weeks just to make sure I was ready to reach out.

Well... .I sent the apology yesterday. I felt good and a sense of relief after sending it. But soon after, i'm freaking out. I couldn't even look at my phone because I've been experiencing a ton of anxiety, worried that I overwhelmed or startled him by reaching out. I was scared that he would lash out or took it the wrong way especially since he had told me he didn't want to talk anymore after the blow up.

Today, I finally mustered the courage to check my phone and I saw that I received a missed call from him with no voicemail. WHOA. I'm really freaking out. I mean why would he call? I should be relieved and happy but I feel the opposite. I'm even wondering if the apology was a good idea, I thought I'd be ready to talk to him but I'm having a really bad, anxious reaction. I didn't know how I would feel if he reached out. I honestly thought he would take months or wouldn't reply at all. They tell you to expect the worst, so I expected no reply or nothing soon; I didn't expect a call and it doesn't seem it's good news.

I don't know what to do. I may be overcautious. But I mean what if he called to yell. I just don't get why he would call instead of txt. I didn't even check the app I sent the msg from but he definitely didn't send a txt to my personal phone, he called it. I'm extremely anxious. I don't really know what to think or how to handle this. I'm worried it's a negative reaction.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

cant really know unless you find out... .

do you intend to call him back?

[Yellowpearl]

I'm just in shock. I really didn't expect a call. I'm almost convinced it's not good but that might be my anxiety speaking. I don't know if I can handle a call, I need to ease into this. I mean maybe he felt invaded that I called despite his block and he called to lash out or something. I don't know about willingly just calling back. I feel really anxious, I think also really vulnerable because I know the letter I sent must be on his mind and I feel exposed. I don't know what i'm getting myself into or what's gonna happen. I don't feel prepared for a call, it was the last thing I expected. I don't know if I just leave it pending... .

[Yellowpearl]

The other thing is I got that missed call about 15 minutes after I sent that message. That seems like a rather fast response, I mean if it was a positive reaction, i'd think wouldn't he take time to process it. This seems like he maybe freaked out and impulsively called. I'm so lost here what to do.

[once removed]

if he wanted to chew you out, or tell you to  off, he could have texted that, or ignored you. you invited him to reach out... .he reached out.

it probably took a bit of vulnerability on his end to make the call. leaving it pending might make a person feel rejected, or at the very least, low priority.

[Yellowpearl]

Yeah, true, he could have chewed me out by text, and my message was pretty welcoming. I concluded it by saying "if you ever want to talk, please feel free to reach out when you're ready, i'd be happy to hear from you"

I guess now I feel like the vulnerable one. I mean he got to see how I felt in my letter about how I felt he treated me and now he sees how I feel in my apology whereas this whole time, I've been left in the dark about his feelings. I'm super nervous to call him back especially if its the case he's like "leave me alone." But I don't feel right about just leaving it pending and ruining a chance of mending things by doing that. I wondered if there is a way around that. I want to avoid *possible* verbal abuse by call. Since I don't know for sure his reasons.

I just can't understand how it was easy enough for him to just call off the bat while i'm freaking out quite a bit inside.

Basically, I just don't know if I can find the strength to call him back without knowing the reason, yet I feel conflicted about this.

[once removed]

when it comes to anxiety, the treatment is often in the form of exposure therapy.

whats the worst that can happen?

[Yellowpearl]

So, after he had called three times that day, I noticed he messaged with me as well saying he apologizes as well and bears responsibility too for the blow up/no contact. He said how he had been thinking of me and hoping I was okay, and he said he was selfish and shouldn't have acted the way he did. I took that in all in, really surprised that he was so apologetic but some of my anxiousness from hearing from him was triggering form me and I wanted to prepare myself for a call. It took me 3 days to call him back.

Once I called him, the call went okay, he wasn't as apologetic but he brought up how he thought he wasn't ready for a relationship but now after time apart he says is more open. He said he was actually going to reach out to me first! But how he was worried he was still blocked. Though I saw some hesitancy and carefulness on his end too. He said he doesn't want to rush anything. He also blame shifted a little bit, in saying I must have gone through personal something to react the way I did. But it wasn't that bad.

He talked about meeting up and he mentioned the weekend but I told him I have exams to study for (its exam week) and work stuff. He asked about next week, I told him I could see him later in the week. We agreed that is far out and decided on the next day. We were fumbling about it, he asked what I wanted to do. I said i'm open maybe it was a bad idea when he suggested my place, I just agreed. I thought it would be less awkward than formally going out. He told me to text him after our call ended, but I said I had class etc, and suggested I txt him the next day about confirming, I expressed I didn't know what time is convenient for him (I was nervous and I felt vulnerable being told to reach out). He said anytime.

So I reached out the next day to confirm and told him see you at xyz time. He asked again for my address to make sure i'm still living here and he didn't forget. I provided it. Then hours went by, he didn't txt again after that. It was getting late almost the time to for him to come, I asked if hes on his way by txt, and he flaked out. He said how he had just woken up and felt really tired and not feeling well, he asked if we can meet one day next week. I asked to call and he explained the same thing, I just said "okay" and I gave a lot of silence, to kind of show hurt without JADEing. I didn't know what else to do I mean I was a bit hurt. I mean hes already flaking after 2 month no contact in my eyes. Well, after I just said it's fine, he asked to talk later, and I told him that's fine too. He said he'd call or txt but he never did. 4 days past by now and we're into the next week he said he'd want to reschedule for.

I'm not sure what to do here. I'm not sure if he got discouraged that I sounded hurt when he canceled and if I sounded no longer interested. If he was nervous and got thrown off by me taking a few days to get back to him and avoiding txting him out of my own fears. Or if he's just changing his mind and it's not much of a priority to him, and if he's never going to get back to me.

I'm not sure if I should reach out or something if I don't hear anything tomorrow and in what capacity, or if that will just make things worse. This feels like some miscommunication or something and there may still be a lot of bad feelings triggered from just talking to each other again since the blow up. I'd just want to avoid appearing too open and vulnerable. The idea of reaching out and getting no response just when I got out of basically crisis mode, is too much yet we finally got in touch and nothing is happening...

[once removed]

I just said "okay" and I gave a lot of silence, to kind of show hurt without JADEing.

pouting/silence achieves the same thing as JADEing, just with fewer words, Yp.

you are both on really high guard here. you wanted to hear from him but took three days to get back after he called. he wanted to see you, but cancelled on plans.

and both of you are expecting the other to understand, and lead things without fear.

can you understand his perspective here? why he would be a bit hesitant and flaky?

Or if he's just changing his mind and it's not much of a priority to him, and if he's never going to get back to me.

hes just doing the same thing youre doing.

why not, instead of rushing into anything like getting together, just have a series of light, upbeat, fun/funny little exchanges to thaw the ice. you might have to take the lead, and go first. no agenda, dont expect much of him, just a light reach out, a pause for some time, then another one.

what do you think? are you up for that?

[Yellowpearl]

pouting/silence achieves the same thing as JADEing, just with fewer words, Yp.

Looking back, you are totally right here. I JADEed through silence. I was so speechless and overwhelmed by feeling a bit rejected/disappointed too, but I can see how he may have taken that as not understanding and being further hesitant to reach out.

and both of you are expecting the other to understand, and lead things without fear.
can you understand his perspective here? why he would be a bit hesitant and flaky?

That's the thing once, both our guards are way up and we may be both dealing with the surface of all these emotions of being back in touch. Even though by phone we were acting as things are going okay, when it comes to make a move, there's hesitation and fear - I took 3 days to call him and he canceled plans.

why not, instead of rushing into anything like getting together, just have a series of light, upbeat, fun/funny little exchanges to thaw the ice. you might have to take the lead, and go first. no agenda, dont expect much of him, just a light reach out, a pause for some time, then another one.

That seems ideal. It does seem like getting together might be too much pressure for both of us. I suppose i'm nervous, if I say something light and take the lead, what if he doesn't reply again like last time during the end of summer and goes no contact. It took me so long to feel okay, i'd be hurt I think if I got no reply. I also wonder if by taking the lead, if I'm rewarding him canceling on me or if it's best just to look at it from his perspective (in that I was hesitant too and showed it).

If I do say something lighthearted, my options were gonna be to either mention that my exams coming to an end, and being so relieved about that, then asking how he is. Or something else super light. Maybe it's safer not to ask him how he is and best to avoid asking any questions to reduce the pressure.
 

[once removed]

I suppose i'm nervous, if I say something light and take the lead, what if he doesn't reply again like last time during the end of summer and goes no contact.

there is some risk here, just as there was risk in reaching out in the first place. i think this is going to require facing that, living with that risk rather than letting the fear of it rule your actions.

having said that look at it this way:

1. he reached out immediately... .three times, followed by a message
2. he started talking about a relationship really quickly with no indication you were even open to it
3. he wanted to get together

so thats really going out on a limb, and eventually, he probably realized that (pwBPD traits are impulsive and over express themselves), saw the same risk(s) you see, and thought hed better play it a little bit smoother, and over compensated, pulled way back. punishing him for that (its not unlike the same stuff you did) would not be conducive to repairing this relationship.

Maybe it's safer not to ask him how he is and best to avoid asking any questions to reduce the pressure.

dont overthink it. just have fun.

[Yellowpearl]

1. he reached out immediately... .three times, followed by a message
2. he started talking about a relationship really quickly with no indication you were even open to it
3. he wanted to get together

so thats really going out on a limb, and eventually, he probably realized that (pwBPD traits are impulsive and over express themselves), saw the same risk(s) you see, and thought hed better play it a little bit smoother, and over compensated, pulled way back. punishing him for that (its not unlike the same stuff you did) would not be conducive to repairing this relationship.

You're right, as you pointed those things out, i'm realizing how much he did go out on the limb when I first contacted him, and even when he talked about getting together. So yeah, he made a few moves not knowing what to expect from me. Then he pulled reallly back just as I did throughout this thing. I think what bothered me was him telling me he would txt/call me after he canceled yet he didn't. I kind of wondered with him knowing he placed the ball in his own court, does he really want me to take the lead. This has been quite the push/pull as pwBPD do.

I'll just go for it and see what happens. He did put himself out there and I'm realizing it's going to a risk and there will likely be few moments like this during this awkward phase and that's okay. In looking at things from his perspective makes it easier to take the lead and be strong enough to carry this until things get a little better.

[once removed]

This has been quite the push/pull as pwBPD do.

youre both pushing and pulling, Yp. one person may start distancing, or trying to get closer, but at a certain point, its a dance between two people. change your steps.

I'll just go for it and see what happens. He did put himself out there and I'm realizing it's going to a risk and there will likely be few moments like this during this awkward phase and that's okay. In looking at things from his perspective makes it easier to take the lead and be strong enough to carry this until things get a little better.

 

[Yellowpearl]

youre both pushing and pulling, Yp. one person may start distancing, or trying to get closer, but at a certain point, its a dance between two people. change your steps.

That's true right there. We both are. Changing my steps would require initiating/taking the lead, and showing understanding instead of freaking out if he pulls away again at any time. If this happens again basically it should go like "Can't talk tonight? No worries catch you another time!"  

Because it's a sensitive time, I guess that's okay to carry this thing? What I don't want to do is what happened last time. He distanced himself and went silent, I kept reaching out for weeks, likely making him feel that i'm already around and readily available and thus resulting in going no contact until the blow up.

Perhaps the trick here is to just reach out once. And let it go.

[once removed]

the trick is finding a middle ground... .and not being reactive.

id reach out once. if he doesnt respond, id reach out lightly in a couple of days. after that id wait. the ball is in his court.

and if he doesnt get back immediately, or for a couple of weeks, that doesnt mean he wont at all. it could be a test (he could be seeing if you will either lash out, or keep reaching out). it could be nervousness and self consciousness... .if i came on really heavy, as he did, i might be embarrassed and want to pull way back for a bit.

this could be a long game, or nothing much at all.

[Yellowpearl]

Reaching out lightly couldn't hurt and seems a good idea, and if no response, I could wait another week and say something lightly again, then leave it to him. But i'd have to think about if I'd want to reach out twice.

it could be a test (he could be seeing if you will either lash out, or keep reaching out)

That's my fear and hesitation, that he is testing me and wondering if i'm gonna lash out or keep contacting him. As much as he may feel embarrassed for doing a lot, I don't also want to look stupid! I mean, I'm wondering if it is a test, won't he just feel like he can do less and less and get away with just doing very little and carry on that attitude.

Unless, he's just scared, self conscious and embarrassed and just needs a little nudge, he could be receptive. I suppose it's dependent on how much he realizes it's a sensitive time for not only him but for me too.

[once removed]

I mean, I'm wondering if it is a test, won't he just feel like he can do less and less and get away with just doing very little and carry on that attitude.

i dont necessarily mean that kind of test. and im not suggesting hed be doing it consciously. people with BPD traits have poor relationship skills, high impulsivity, and dont generally think things like that through.

heres a silly example, for lack of a better one, but lets say theres a monster chasing you, and youre hiding somewhere, like a cave. things get quiet. is it safe to go outside? maybe you throw something outside to see if you hear anything. you dont, but youre still not sure its safe. you work up the courage to poke your head out and pull it back real fast. you work up the courage to stick your head out, and look around. it looks safe. you step outside. you walk around, you look around.

we do that sort of thing in relationships too. its kind of like walking on eggshells. we want to know if something is going to be different, so we sort of test it.

neither am i saying he is doing that or that hes going to do that. im just saying i wouldnt be surprised.

Unless, he's just scared, self conscious and embarrassed and just needs a little nudge, he could be receptive.

it is probably mostly this. no one wants to over pursue.

[Yellowpearl]

That’s a good example. That’s how this whole thing feels, in everything feeling quiet and not knowing if it’s safe to go outside, probably on both ends. He may just be unconsciously testing me or waiting to see if I’m gonna say something first. I’m gonna consider its nervousness and just see what happens even though it’s a bit of a risk.

[Yellowpearl]

So, I ended up reaching out first after the prolonged silence since he canceled. Went for something light to help cool things down. I told him "hey how are you? what's up? I finally finish my exams tomorrow I'm just so relieved" I sent this two days ago, and no reply. When he canceled last week this was the week he suggested we would hang out instead and he talked about possibly Friday. Tomorrow is Friday, so the whole week has gone by and nothing from him.

I'm fine with not hanging out this week but i'm worried he dropped off again or got scared away without saying anything. It still may be possible he is nervous or felt he over pursed. I'm contemplating following up once more but I'm not sure how to go lighter than what I already said or if it's even a good idea. I also worry the same thing will happen last time before no contact/my apology, where he yelled for me calling or txting too much out of the blue when he was dysregulated and blew up at me. I don't know what to do here. I thought he would have just responded.

This awkwardness is just really uncomfortable.

[once removed]

I'm contemplating following up once more but I'm not sure how to go lighter than what I already said or if it's even a good idea.

give it a few days to a week, and let it be organic. see if you come across something you would naturally want to share with him... .maybe something he would laugh at.

its kinda like knocking on someones door, waiting a minute, assuming they didnt hear it, and knocking once more, then leaving. thats not over pursuing. ringing the doorbell a bunch of times in the process is.

only do so if you feel good about it. another light reach out wont hurt, but the ball is in his court.

[Yellowpearl]

After thinking about it, ideally I would have liked to reach out tomorrow since it’s the day we were supposed to hang out (just in case he’d still be up for it if he heard from me), I felt like if we saw each other things would be cleared up a little better,  but that may be too soon. Perhaps it’s best to wait a few more days for another light reach out, you’re right though. One more reach out can’t hurt. I just have a hard time feeling rejected if he doesn’t say anything again.

Something organic is a good idea... The only thing I can think of unless something else comes to mind later is being like “Hey! I didn’t hear from you about hanging out this week! I hope you had a good week and we should talk again soon. I’d love to hear from you soon feel free to call me”’” Kind if addresses the elephant in the room but maybe that’s too much though?

The other idea was spontaneously calling him once.  But that may be too much. Last thing I’d want to do is startle him. Don’t think I feel up to that.

[once removed]

I just have a hard time feeling rejected if he doesn’t say anything again.

he may not. its important to be prepared for that. historically though, he does eventually, right?

“Hey! I didn’t hear from you about hanging out this week! I hope you had a good week and we should talk again soon. I’d love to hear from you soon feel free to call me”’” Kind if addresses the elephant in the room but maybe that’s too much though?

i wouldnt address elephants, personally. it might feel pressuring. he knows he didnt get back to you. we dont know his reasoning, but he does.

The other idea was spontaneously calling him once.  But that may be too much. Last thing I’d want to do is startle him. Don’t think I feel up to that.

think really light.

[Yellowpearl]

he may not. its important to be prepared for that. historically though, he does eventually, right?

Usually he does, until the blow out happened where several weeks he was silent. If I didn't reach out like I did, i'm not sure he would have come back. I also don't know understand how he could go from enthusiastically replying to me and telling me how his head is cleared now to possibly totally changing his mind. So I may have to continue to have low expectations as much as I even can.

Yeah, the other message I was thinking of is a bit heavy/pressuring.

Really light... .hmm, I agree. It should be something subtle and encouraging. This is hard because as you said, he knows he didn't get back to me. So there is an awareness that i'm reaching out despite that.

Here's some options I thought of, not sure what sounds the best, or if any of these sound good? I'm sort of hesitant about asking him a question again since he didn't reply to the first one, that may be pushy.
"what's up lately?"
"what are you up to?"
"i'm glad it's the weekend finally. Hope we can talk soon"
"doing anything fun this weekend?"
"get enough sleep this week? Lol" (since he said he was so tired from working 6 days as his reason for canceling) - though that may trigger him!
"what a long week, I hope we can talk soon"

I kind of felt maybe it'd be awkward to go into something funny at random when he didn't reply, it may come off as trying too much to get his attention.

I was thinking maybe it's not so bad if I just do this tomorrow, it would be 3 day after his no reply.

[once removed]

I also don't know understand how he could go from enthusiastically replying to me and telling me how his head is cleared now to possibly totally changing his mind.

remember, he may be struggling in a similar way that you are/were.

could be testing. could be self conscious about over pursuing. could be very busy. could be a lot of things.

Yeah, the other message I was thinking of is a bit heavy/pressuring.

Really light... .hmm, I agree. It should be something subtle and encouraging. This is hard because as you said, he knows he didn't get back to me. So there is an awareness that i'm reaching out despite that.

"what's up lately?"
"what are you up to?"
"i'm glad it's the weekend finally. Hope we can talk soon"
"doing anything fun this weekend?"
"what a long week, I hope we can talk soon"

you tried that. he didnt bite. it could look like trying harder.

I kind of felt maybe it'd be awkward to go into something funny at random when he didn't reply, it may come off as trying too much to get his attention.

humor is disarming and still leaves the ball in his court. dont overthink it. youve got time. if you wait a bit, he may get back to you before you do anything.

[Yellowpearl]

could be testing. could be self conscious about over pursuing. could be very busy. could be a lot of things.

Yeah it could be one or some of those combined. This just has been a struggle on my end so it could be a struggle on his end too. Though now i'm worrying a bit about whether my txt was giving a trying too hard vibe. I waited 5 days to send it after he canceled so I thought it was okay.

humor is disarming and still leaves the ball in his court. dont overthink it. youve got time. if you wait a bit, he may get back to you before you do anything.

I agree the other ones are too similar to what I already asked him and he didn't bite. It may just be better to wait a few more days, hopefully he'll get back to me by then.

If I do it tomorrow though, I could use the "did you get enough sleep this week? " but it may come off passive aggressive since it's linked to him being tired as to why he canceled. I was going for endearing. Not sure it's light/obvious enough he'll get it. I can't think of anything else.




 

[once removed]

Though now i'm worrying a bit about whether my txt was giving a trying too hard vibe.

nah.

I can't think of anything else.

give it time. dont overthink it. itll come. if it doesnt, dont force it. it wont hurt to follow up, but its not necessary, either.

[Yellowpearl]

give it time. dont overthink it. itll come. if it doesnt, dont force it. it wont hurt to follow up, but its not necessary, either.

True true. I know what you mean. I'll see if I think of something or feel like saying anything in the next few days, hopefully he replies before that.

[once removed]

did you ever connect with your friends? how is it going?

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for asking! So I haven’t. It was 3 people. Two I may see if I can bring myself to go to the holiday party next week at work. The other friend has been reaching out but I’ve found it hard to connect and tell her where I’ve been for the last 3 months without having to explain the situation. So I’d been drawing it out and not talking to her. It’s been upsetting honestly that while I reconnected with him (pwBPD) initially I’m still trying to put my life together with friends that fell apart because of this in the first place. Not trying to lay blame it’s just extra stress and maybe guilt too. I get that pathetic sinking feeling “I’m trying to reconcile with you even though I’m isolated from friends because of the stress from you”

[once removed]

without having to explain the situation.

is there a need to explain?

so, whats behind ignoring people that are reaching out when youd like to reconnect with them?