My adult daughter shows traits of BPD - what can I do to help her?

[DharmaGate]

Thank you all for this thread, going to reread now wow
JeanGenie,

I can so relate to so much of your story, especially the confusing family relationships and loyalty issues but also the dog and the six hours on the phone ect! I was also a young single mom and my mom was very involved with my daughter also.

I also had overwhelming guilt to how I contributed to her pain by all the mistakes I had made.  I was doing everything I could to to try and make up for it.

About five years ago when my daughter was 29 I began letting go, accepting she may never want a relationship with me, I would always pale in comparison to others, it was heartbreaking, most pain I had ever been in but I just took a stance I will be there for her the best I can, I will feel my pain and not retaliate and concentrate on how she is not "mine" .   Every time she did something hurtful, like giving my brother and sister a primary role in her wedding and excluding me, I just sucked it up, didn't say anything, and dealt with the pain myself.  It was great practice in mindfulness!

Like you said I concentrated on getting myself as balanced as I could be so if she returned I could be a healthy addition to her life.  Anyway five years later a ton of personal work on myself, her trying to live up to what she wants to be and symptoms of BPD just keep humbling her.  She now is wanting me to be part of her life I just wanted to let you know, I think this paragraph you wrote sums it up beautifully.  Peace to you and your family

"At the end of the day, I just want her to have the best chance of moving towards being healthy and happy. I have distanced myself even more from my family now, but I think my D may never forgive me for what she perceives as a betrayal from me. i don't want to put any pressure on her, especially if it may hinder any chance of recovery - whether that be of her eating disorder, drug dependancy or managing an emotional disorder. If cutting off from me is right for her, at this time, I understand more about it thanks to what I have learnt here. I hope that if ever she gets to the stage where she may want contact again, that I am ready, knowledgable and strong enough not to mess it up."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JeanGenie]

Hi all,

Thank you DG for your encouraging message, it gives me some hope that things may get better in the future. It must have been really hard for you to have seen your daughter exclude you. How are things going now that she is wanting to reconnect?

 Enabler, thank you again for all your time, the support and information I have received from you here has been amazing.

Just a quick update. I saw my daughter last night. I saw the light on in the shed in the garden and thought I must have left it on. When I went down there to turn it off she was in there packing some of her stuff.

She said she had somewhere more permanent to go and would come and get the rest of her stuff (this includes all the stuff she has in the attic etc) over the weekend and then throughout January. I said it was great that she had somewhere and asked is there was anything I could do to help. Obviously answer was no. I asked did she manage to get somewhere in a nice area (mistake), she told me that she didn't want to tell me. She then said that I would never see her again after she has got all her stuff. She wanted to make it clear that it would be forever. I just said that I hope the move goes ok for her and that I am here if she changes her mind or needs anything. I then told her I loved her, wished her good luck and came back in the house before I broke down. I hope I managed to maintain my composure long enough not to make her feel judged or guilty etc.

Funnily enough, earlier in the day I had steadied myself to listen to some more messages she had left on my landline answering machine. It wasn't easy listening. They had been on there for some time and I just couldn't bring myself to hear them at the time. So yesterday wasn't a good day. I'm just off to work and hope I can keep it together today.

After this weekend (and however long it takes her to get all her stuff), starts the job of trying to carve some kind of life for myself that has some direction that does not focus on my D. I am not sure how I will do that. However, I can understand that for her, hopefully this will give her the emotional space to be able to really focus on trying to make herself better. I believe that she is cutting off completely to aid her own recovery and not just doing it to be mean. Regardless of my feelings, she has to do what is right for her at this time.

Thank you again everyone, best go before I start blubbing!

FB xx

[Enabler]

FB,

It saddens me to read this. I really want to give you a big hug.

You said the important things which were that you love her and that you are there for her. It's said that a pwBPD is like a man on fire (emotionally) running towards a lake to put the flames out. They will run over you or anything in their past to douse the flames and put out the pain.

The hope I can offer you is the hope that comes through the empowerment of education and understanding. The hope comes not from believing that what she says in the moment isn't what she genuinely believes... .because she probably does, but that her emotions change with the wind and what she believes today may not be what she believes tomorrow when she is less emotionally triggered.

This is a grieving process, mark my words. A fool ignores the natural process of grief and tries to suppress each and every stage. A fool tells him/herself that he's moving through the stages quicker than he is, buries his head in the sand and pretends it's not happening. Your D is going to do what she is going to do. She is old enough to make those choices and as much as it causes a huge amount of anguish, sadly there is little we can do about it. There's a lot to be said for filling your life with activities and destractions, however, there is also a lot to be said for sitting with the emotions, observing them and learning from them. Rather than getting bogged down in your own emotions or ignoring them, observe them, feel them in a non-judgmental way. I'm pretty sure in the coming days, weeks or months you will experience periods of despair, depression, denial and anger, realise at each of these points this is how you feel and work out why you feel it. You will move through these stages. Do you write a journal?

This is not the end of your journey, this is unlikely to be the end of the journey you have with your D. Keep learning, keep sharing and talking stuff through. We're always here for you. Others may not 'get it' but as you have found you have many many shared experienced with others across the globe. share your experiences with others here on the board, you never know, you may help others and others may help you.

Enabler x

[Feeling Better]

JeanGenie, I am so sorry to hear of what happened last night with your daughter. You know, when I read your posts they remind me so much of the time when I first arrived here, and now this latest one takes me back yet again to a time when my son packed up some of his things and told me that he would never stay at my home ever again. Oh how my heart goes out to you, holding it together until you were safely inside where you could just let it all out. 

I hope that you managed to keep it together at work today, that somehow work served as a distraction for you.

How do you feel about trying to talk with her, reconnect, when she comes to fetch some more of her stuff? I tried this most times that my son came over to get some of his stuff, sadly at that time I hadn’t found this site and hadn’t got a clue really and probably made things worse, I just knew that I had to try.

I believe that she is cutting off completely to aid her own recovery and not just doing it to be mean. Regardless of my feelings, she has to do what is right for her at this time.

I agree JG, she has to do what feels right for her, but I do think that it could be misguided. I understood perfectly well why my son needed to get away, I certainly didn’t think that he was being mean to me. He probably sees what he has done as his route to recovery, as your daughter does. Us parents, we are the cause of all their problems, right? In their eyes. So distance to them is the obvious solution.

JG, you wisely acknowledge that you have to get on with your own life, you are one step ahead of me when I was at the same point as you are now. I really struggled, as I’m sure you will too. We are here for you just as others were here for me x 

FB x

[DharmaGate]

"Thank you DG for your encouraging message, it gives me some hope that things may get better in the future. It must have been really hard for you to have seen your daughter exclude you. How are things going now that she is wanting to reconnect." 

You are so sweet, with all you have going on still thinking of others, thank you for asking

I am finding the same skills I learned while trying to deal with the hate/hurt coming my way are useful now too.  I am trying to remain calm no matter what happens, if she and I cycle up too far we are bound to crash, so I am trying to just keep a very simple routine for myself, not do anything I do not need to, rest for next go around.  I am reading that striver to thriver download and the tools here, I wish I had known about these tools while we were taking a break, so I had time to learn, practice, integrate, but better late than never! 

Thanks again for your bravery and honesty, it is so obvious how many of us you helped with this thread of yours, you have a gift

[Enabler]

Hey JG,

How was your Christmas?

Mine was pretty low on the drama front which was nice. For the most part I can see it coming now so take a cheeky side shuffle and avoid... .that said, my eldest daughter (10) is very emotionally sensitive. Times like Christmas are super tough for her because the excitement builds expectation, when expectation isn't met it leads to disappointment... .disappointment is a painful emotion for her and she really doesn't deal with it very well. There were probably 3-4 flash points where she just totally lost the plot, my W would disappear to the toilet because the hurtful things D10 says would upset her so much. My frustration was that I could see/hear everyone else chucking gallons and gallons of fuel on her proverbial fire, I was internally screaming "STOP FUELING HER ANGER!" whilst trying not to invalidate my wife and be fair to my other daughters. Since there is no acknowledgement by my W that there is a problem with herself... .well that makes the conversation about how to manage D10 impossible. All I can do is show W how to deal with D10 and hope that she follows suit at some point.

Enabler

[Harri]

This thread has reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332519.msg13025590#msg13025590