Well, she has moved out, she is gone now.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well, she has moved out, she is gone now.

The last time we "spoke", she said "what's the point", we should just divorce, I can't live in this house anymore with YOU and YOUR Son". She said she was done, and now she's moved out, lock, stock, and barrel.

There was a couple of days ago that we agreed to stay married/separated so that she would still have my medical insurance, but that's changed; she says that she can still access her BC/BS as she is on state disability.

So what now?... .well; I have to assume that this marriage is no longer sustainable, or viable, .as we have extreme irreconcilable differences, in regards to how my Son is to be cared for, which resulted in an irrevocable incident of physical abuse perpetrated against my Son. Physical abuse is a deal breaker, not negotiable.

I did say to her during a heated discussion, as she was attempting to JADE me... .she was yelling at me... ."its ALL your fault, you created this mess... .he's autistic, he's not stupid, he can learn". I replied to her "what does he need to learn, to jump when you say jump, why can't you relax, and leave him alone, maybe be a little more "nice" to him, all you do is yell at him".  Of course this was an exercise in futility, as the deed was already done, punching him in the head three times is wholly unacceptable.

So my last comment was this, "I don't want to divorce, but this marriage has become unsustainable, what happened here this morning can't ever happen again, so I think we need to separate, either myself and 'J' leave, or you do... .that said, if there is to be any thread of hope to save this, we need to get into therapy, not together, but apart, there are major issues here, anger issues... .we cant live like this anymore"

She interpreted me, and said, ."NO, I refuse "therapy", YOU are the problem, I'M DONE!"... .

So there you have it... .I have an appointment with a family lawyer day after tomorrow.

I have to protect myself now, .we need to get a separation agreement in place. I need to let this go, she is who she is... .and apparently I'm who I am as well... .fist priority is my Son, period, .he needs full time care, and support... .she doesn't like that, .

She told me she "loves me, but"... .blah blah blah... .

So... .I move forward, in this state, you have to remain separated for a year, before the petition for divorce can be signed by a judge... .a year, .I reckon a lot can happen in a year.

The history of this relationship, marriage speaks for itself, we just don't "mesh"... .we don't get along, too many issues (uBPD), .too much has happened... .I don't ever see her addressing any of her issues, not going to happen.

... .and then there is her c-ancer dx... .

Thanks for listening,

Red5

[Red5]

Well, she has moved out, she is gone now.

The last time we "spoke", she said "what's the point", we should just divorce, I can't live in this house anymore with YOU and YOUR Son". She said she was done, and now she's moved out, lock, stock, and barrel.

There was a couple of days ago that we agreed to stay married/separated so that she would still have my medical insurance, but that's changed; she says that she can still access her BC/BS as she is on state disability.

So what now?... .well; I have to assume that this marriage is no longer sustainable, or viable, .as we have extreme irreconcilable differences, in regards to how my Son is to be cared for, which resulted in an irrevocable incident of physical abuse perpetrated against my Son. Physical abuse is a deal breaker, not negotiable.

I did say to her during a heated discussion, as she was attempting to JADE me... .she was yelling at me... ."its ALL your fault, you created this mess... .he's autistic, he's not stupid, he can learn". I replied to her "what does he need to learn, to jump when you say jump, why can't you relax, and leave him alone, maybe be a little more "nice" to him, all you do is yell at him".  Of course this was an exercise in futility, as the deed was already done, punching him in the head three times is wholly unacceptable.

So my last comment was this, "I don't want to divorce, but this marriage has become unsustainable, what happened here this morning can't ever happen again, so I think we need to separate, either myself and 'J' leave, or you do... .that said, if there is to be any thread of hope to save this, we need to get into therapy, not together, but apart, there are major issues here, anger issues... .we cant live like this anymore"

She interpreted me, and said, ."NO, I refuse "therapy", YOU are the problem, I'M DONE!"... .

So there you have it... .I have an appointment with a family lawyer day after tomorrow.

I have to protect myself now, .we need to get a separation agreement in place. I need to let this go, she is who she is... .and apparently I'm who I am as well... .fist priority is my Son, period, .he needs full time care, and support... .she doesn't like that, .

She told me she "loves me, but"... .blah blah blah... .

So... .I move forward, in this state, you have to remain separated for a year, before the petition for divorce can be signed by a judge... .a year, .I reckon a lot can happen in a year.

The history of this relationship, marriage speaks for itself, we just don't "mesh"... .we don't get along, too many issues (uBPD), .too much has happened... .I don't ever see her addressing any of her issues, not going to happen.

... .and then there is her c-ancer dx... .

Thanks for listening,

Red5

[Skip]

Does she have a history of physical violence? Is this her first time to leave? Is the cancer playing into any of this - is she sick, scared?

So my last comment was this, "I don't want to divorce, but this marriage has become unsustainable, what happened here this morning can't ever happen again, so I think we need to separate, either myself and 'J' leave, or you do

... .if there is to be any thread of hope to save this, we need to get into therapy, not together, but apart, there are major issues here, anger issues ... .we cant live like this anymore"

She told me she "loves me, but" ... .blah blah blah ... .

Is this a big serious fight?  Or is this end?  You said "I don't want to divorce"... .Does she? Do you believe her?

[Bnonymous]

I'm sorry to hear this, Red. Your son is very lucky to have such a loving and caring dad who prioritises him and his needs. It's still immensely sad that it came to this though and I'm sorry you're going through it.

[once removed]

The last time we "spoke"

how long ago was this? how are you holding up?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Red5, I'm sorry to hear that things have broken down in your marriage, though from my perspective you have been unhappy for a long time.  Perhaps this is the start of a new, healthier chapter for you.  Detaching is rough sledding, so I'm not going to sugarcoat it.  On the other hand, I welcomed the challenges because they were all part of my new path, and I was relieved to be free from the day-to-day drama and turmoil of a marriage to a pwBPD.  Once we separated, I never seriously considered going back.  I pretended a lot in my marriage and decided that, going forward, I would strive to lead an authentic life, consistent with who I am at the core.  That's my compass.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

Well, the most difficult point in my first marriage to the "husband from hell" was getting to the point of ending it. After that, everything was easier. Granted, the divorce was no picnic; he lied and created all sorts of paper chases for me to document the truth, but not being around him on a day to day basis really alleviated a ton of stress.

You've been worn down, Red, dealing with her shenanigans on a daily basis, and even worse, how she constantly attacked your son in small, and not so small ways. I'm sure you'll feel exhausted for a while, but then you'll be surprised at how much energy and vitality will reenter your life in a few months.

[Red5]

So we had the day off from work today, fed holiday due to 41;s passing.

So I worked on the empty floors, sweeping and cleaning the wood floors, the baseboards now uncovered... .had the local locksmith come round and change all the locks... .and I had my first appointment with my lawyer... .I really like her, she is very nice and she is aware and very informed / verses about ‘BPD’... .so I’m batting a ‘thousand’.

I have lots of homework to do, inspecting all the house paperwork, fixing wills, taxes and so forth and so on, life insurance policies... .

It’s cold here tonight... .’going down into the thirties’... .

Me and the boy are out here at the ‘no name pizza joint’... .Tom Petty is playing on their XM “When Walls Fall Down”... .

I guess I’m holding up ok,

I’ll come back and write out the answers to y’alls questions... .I hate typing on this damn phone ; )

I got another computer desk today, and I found the charger to the iPad... .and I got the television (smart) up and running again... .after I got the modem and router all back together again... .so much work to do, but it’ll keep me busy !

... .hit the grocery store... .

You know... .BPD ‘life’ is so danged disruptive, wrecks havoc with the ‘natural order’... .daily life, schedules... .chores... .responsibilities ... .

Everything gets upended... .time after time... .but no more’ !

Yes... .it is very peaceful round the old house now... .so peaceful... .

Talk again soon,

Red5

 

[Cat Familiar]

Soon that peacefulness will feel so refreshing and nourishing. It sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row, Red. 

[Red5]

... .we brought some of the “patio furniture”’in from outside so we’d have a place to sit, .by the fire I built in the fireplace... .I put the old man’s pillow and his blanket down beside... .he seems to like it, he growls at ‘black cat’ everytime he ventures too close... .

Fire feels good on my feet,

Got to get the boy off to bed, work and school in the morning... .

The lawyer told me to ‘expect crazy to show up’... .at some point, she gave me legal ‘pointers’ as what to do if uBPDw were to show up here unannounced... .I honestly don’t see that ever happening... .but I feel great comfort knowing that this new lawyer knows of and has dealt with BPD and separation / divorce... .

On day number four... .minus one, we went to town (in separate vehicles) and split our bank accounts back up, as well the phones... .that was two and a half weeks ago now, the morning this all went south was 15 November... .she moved out on December 1&2... .

On Monday the 19th of November she said “separate but stay married”... .’then the very next day, Tuesday the 20th, she said “what’s the point... .we should just divorce”... .

Two weeks later she had her new place under lease and her foo moved her outa here lock stock and barrel.

There has been a few text msgs... .and one voice message since,

Nothing more than “logistical” in nature... .but two nights ago, she leaves a voice msg, as I won’t answer her calls now... .something to the effect that she saw a bad motorcycle wreck up town and my middle Son wouldn’t answer his phone and she thought it might have been him and that I need to check on him and ‘report’ back to her... .about ‘our Son’... .she is his stepmother ?

Me and the boy, my oldest, were at the bbq joint, so we rolled on it, it was just a street scooter, nothing too bad, certainly not anything like the ‘ninja’ my middle S28 rides... .

I guess she was concerned ?

One of the last things she said to me verbally was... .‘if you ever need any help with S32(autistic) you can call me’... .

That’s pretty damn ‘rich’ of her to even say that after what happened... .after what she did,

Maybe Mrs Lawyer is right, there may be some ‘crazy’ in the weather forcast... .

It won’t be long until she picks a fight with her foo again... .as her S31 and his wife are coming to visit her right before Christmas... .we’ve been planning this visit for over a month now... .then we have of course separated... .so these visits create a lot of drama between her and her foo... .before the conflagration resulting from her beloved y-orkie passing, most likely resulting in her physical altercation with my S32(autistic) less than twenty four hours later  ... .she was ‘at odds’ with her foo mum (MIL) trying to get the foo fam all together during the impending visit... .which upset uBPDw... .who knows... .

Now none of my business... . nor any of my concern... .

She also txt me and said that she had forgotten her gas grill , .and wants to come by this weekend with her foo sis (suv/trailer) and ‘pick it up’... .

Whatever... .Mrs. Lawyer told me to NOT let her come into the house... .and to be sure and ‘retrain’ the garage door opener... .so that her vehicles program (remote)  won’t be able to remote the door anymore... .to go along with operation ‘re-key’ of all outside hatches... .that took place today... .

Hmmmm,

Thanks for listening... .

Red5  

[GaGrl]

Those types of excuses to engage are excuses on her part to re-structure the  real story.

Retain your truth. Don't allow her to control the narrative.

You know the Truth... .bigger and ugly as it got. Your skeptically assaulted - multiple times - an autistic son. Period.

[Red5]

Those types of excuses to engage are excuses on her part to re-structure the  real story.

Retain your truth. Don't allow her to control the narrative.

You know the Truth... .bigger and ugly as it got. Your skeptically assaulted - multiple times - an autistic son. Period.

Correct, must keep that forefront... .

Got to stay strong and continue to detach,

Mrs. Lawyer spoke of abuse... .and how if it continues... .the abuser only becomes more embolden... .each time it occurs.

She moved out, she refused ‘the idea of therapy’,

Yes, I am quite sure uBPDw is in full rewrite even as we speak.

There is a catch though, her own son and daughter told her she was wrong, and they have done this before, even as there have been repeated incidents of her behaviors over the time we’ve been married... .as for her two foo sisters and her mum, no, they don’t seem to denounce... .

Not that it matters any longer at this ‘juncture’... .

**Retain your truth. Don't allow her to control the narrative.**

Yes,

Red5

[empath]

Now, I'm curious... .   what pointers did Mrs. Lawyer have in the event that she shows up unannounced?

[Red5]

//Does she have a history of physical violence? Is this her first time to leave? Is the cancer playing into any of this - is she sick, scared?//

Yes, she can be quite physical, poke, slap, hit both open, and closed hand/fist, breaks things, throws things, ie’ rages… no, not the first time... ., she’s “left” before, in fact we even separated for about six months after only 4-5 months of being married due to crazy making, fighting, etc etc etc’… cannot count the times that she has threatened to leave, and in fact even did pack her “ditty” bag, and went back to her old home for a few days… Her C dx, yes, I do think this is coming into play, even thought she was dx in mid 2016… it has added quite a degree of emotional duress / stresses, and has offered endless (bottomless) amounts of self-pity, and projection / victimization aimed at me, and her foo, as well her own two adult children… yes, she is now very sick, not responding to her treatments, and she is scared, and so am I... .it is what it is, she has completely pushed me away now... .and made quite sure that I wont try to reconcile this time... .thus by her continued actions/behaviors towards my Son, S32(autistic), the events of 15-16 November were the end for me, regardless of her dx, and current condition... .tough stuff ; (

//Is this a big serious fight?  Or is this end?  You said "I don't want to divorce"... .Does she? Do you believe her?//

Yes, a “big serious fight”, on the scale, (1-10), a 10+… and as well the 'end', it 'broke me'... .as the pattern of behavior is now quite clear, and irreconcilable... .I think eleven, almost twelve years now (almost eight years married) is indeed quite enough (an overstatement)…  neither of us “wants” a divorce, but it is crystal clear that the marriage is no longer tenable; sustainable as things between us currently are, and have been for years and years now… yes, I believe her when she says she doesn’t want a divorce, as she was married previously, over twenty years, as was I as well… so the utter hopelessness of “another failed marriage” comes into play here… but that is not a reason to stay together, we are 'poison' together, since Ive come to discover, and learn about BPD, nothing has really changed, other than my new found ability to cop, us tools, .understand 'why'... .she has not changed, in fact she is much worse... .

//I'm sorry to hear this, Red. Your son is very lucky to have such a loving and caring dad who prioritizes him and his needs. It's still immensely sad that it came to this though and I'm sorry you're going through it.//

Yes, it is sad, but I have to ask myself, what am I so sad about losing, what am I grieving over… who was she really, what do we know about narcissistic / borderline behaviors… if true (yes)… I fell in love with an illusion, an apparition, a phantom… a mirage… she was NOT whom I thought she was, and I have struggled to rediscover her for eleven years now… to no avail, as she never existed... .it is very sad,

//The last time we "spoke"… how long ago was this? how are you holding up?//

The last time we spoke, was about two weeks ago?… before she moved out, and after the incident on 15-16 November, the following week, albeit pretty much ST/LC-NC for the two weeks before she moved out, "just like" 'old times'... .certainly nothing new in this home… she basically said (last time we talked in any semblance of the relationship) she does not need my medical insurance, as she has BC/BS from her state disability, .so she is now in discard mode… she knows I can never be with her again after what happened, after what she did to my Son… in fact, I'm afraid I've been detaching for a long time now, that is how beaten down I've become... .and she knows this, and furthermore she knows that this last event was a relationship (boundary) deal breaker for me… so she is making her exit… she went from “separation" in order to keep medical insurance, to “we may as well divorce”… in a twenty-four hour period. Since then it’s only been texts, like “I want to come and get my gas grill on Sunday while you and your S32(autistic) are at Church… and there was one time that she thought my middle S28 was in a motorcycle crash, which was a false alarm… I ignored that call, and listened to the voice mail… my lawyer has advised me to go NC with her, only email, or texts so that there is a record.

//Hey Red5, I'm sorry to hear that things have broken down in your marriage, though from my perspective you have been unhappy for a long time.  Perhaps this is the start of a new, healthier chapter for you.  Detaching is rough sledding, so I'm not going to sugarcoat it.  On the other hand, I welcomed the challenges because they were all part of my new path, and I was relieved to be free from the day-to-day drama and turmoil of a marriage to a pwBPD.  Once we separated, I never seriously considered going back.  I pretended a lot in my marriage and decided that, going forward, I would strive to lead an authentic life, consistent with who I am at the core.  That's my compass.//

Yes, it will be “rough sledding”… so “one day at a time”… small steps, from one compass reading to the next… yes, it is already much more peaceful here at the old house… a lot of “self-soothing”… wine-fire-cooking-old black and white movies-taking care of my Son,- taking care of the old stray dog… yes, me neither, I’ve got zero desire to “go back”… unequivocally no, my inner compass is no longer “spinning” as it has been for years now… but is now giving clear readings, headings… to “grid north” ; )

//Well, the most difficult point in my first marriage to the "husband from hell" was getting to the point of ending it. After that, everything was easier. Granted, the divorce was no picnic; he lied and created all sorts of paper chases for me to document the truth, but not being around him on a day to day basis really alleviated a ton of stress. //

Me2, the stress meter is all the way to the left now, back in the “solid green”, and no longer ”pegged” to the hard right against the stop peg!…

//You've been worn down, Red, dealing with her shenanigans on a daily basis, and even worse, how she constantly attacked your son in small, and not so small ways. I'm sure you'll feel exhausted for a while, but then you'll be surprised at how much energy and vitality will reenter your life in a few months.//

I am looking forward to it… I’ve a ton of “projects” I can now immerse myself in, now that she is no longer living here… I am going to “refit the ship” so to speak : )

//You know the Truth... .bigger and ugly as it got. Your skeptically assaulted - multiple times - an autistic son. Period.//

Yes, a deal breaker… not excusable, not to be dismissed, the end of the relationship once that happens (happened).

To quote’ David Demars… “If your significant other has abused you in the relationship, then that relationship is now over”.

And another, from Mrs. Godinez... ."if it hurts, it ain't love"

Thanks for listening,

Red5

[Red5]

Now, I'm curious... .   what pointers did Mrs. Lawyer have in the event that she shows up unannounced?

Mrs. Lawyer said to me... .if she shows up unannounced, the primary goal is to not be "face to face" with her... .so either get into a garage "hanger'ed" vehicle, and drive away once the door opens... .or go into an inner room, away from a window, and call the sheriff if she does not depart... .she said; Mrs. lawyer... .to NOT open the door if she were to show up here now... .

Me being me... .that does not "sit well"... .but Mrs. lawyer cautioned me to NOT get caught short with uBPDw (s2bx?)... .

So I have to be careful, as she told me she has seen this scenario countless times... .and as time passes, and reality sets in... .crazy making may ... .make an appearance... .

Have to self -protect in that predicted eventuality... .got too much to lose to a disordered persons crazy making... .

This is why all the locks were changed last week... .this is now a "nogo" zone to uBPDw, as she has 'moved out', and thus forfeited her 'right' to be here... .hmmm,

Likewise, I wont be "over to her new place" for supper... .NO!

Red 5

[empath]

Pulling back to written communication - text and email - is a good idea. When my h moved out, I had to go to email communication for a while. That kept the triggering to a minimum. He did come over once before he was back to a stable place and was triggered - then left and he wrote me an email full of the craziness and contempt.

Mrs. Lawyer sounds like a smart woman. Secure the perimeter... .

[Red5]

Pulling back to written communication - text and email - is a good idea.

When my h moved out, I had to go to email communication for a while. That kept the triggering to a minimum.

Good afternoon from the stormy east coast of NC,

So this happened, would like to know what y’all think (empath),

So she had left her gas grill here, it didn’t go on the big move day last Sunday... .so she texts me and says she wants to come and get it, I text back and say sure,  how about next Sunday (today) between 11:00 and 13:00, as thats when me and the boy will be in Church.

I’ll roll it out to the curb for you, then she texts me and says something about a small package that her D33 has sent her, and she’s not sure if it’s coming here, or to her address.

So I see it in the mail, and I wait a day to respond, and I text her that the pack has arrived and that it will be in a plastic bag with another piece of mail she got... .on Sunday (today) at 11:00~>

So this morning... .after I’ve ‘staged’ everything... .and me and the boy are leaving for Church, it’s about a quarter to eleven (pick up time start is eleven agreed upon via text)... .I hear the ‘old man’ barking and I hear the front storm door shut?

I peak out the window and it’s her, she’s put a bag of small things on the front door knob, a binder, some old keys, and some small package... .she is sitting in her Jeep in the street in front of the mailbox... .so I lock the house up, and get into my Jeep... .open the garage door and start backing down the drive way... .she quickly leaves down the street... .I’m like ‘whatever’ and off to Church we go... .

I’ve been taking my cell phone into Church for a few weeks now due to all the crazy going on, and of course it is on silent mode... .

Back story... .during the dysregulation and subsequent fight / total breakdown... .uBPDw came into the office with every single ring I’d ever given her to include her engagement ring... .and wedding bands... .but nothing else ie’ ankle bracelets... .bracelets... . necklaces etc... .earrings etc’... . just the rings... .maybe seven or eight total... .she left them on the desk by my wallet and keys... .and walked away.

Easily worth several thousand in non gold backed federal notes ... .

So back to the story... .I’m sitting in the Church service and she texts me this... .

///Please just mail my rings and the three hundred dollar check to my new address: ________///Thank you. I don’t think I need anything else from _____ Drive///

... .’three hundred dollar check’ is for a bird house I bought her and the chiminea we had in the back yard that I paid for,  it aint really a big deal... .but I searched high and low for this chiminea... .and she knows I really like it... .so she has said weeks ago that she wouldn’t take these things for the price f/300’ bucks... .

Whatever... .I told her to take it all anyways... .but she didn’t... .so she wants three Ben Franklins now?

But the rings... .what is up with that?

She dumped them off like spare change... .

She used to take my wedding band away from me (off my dresser) when we would have our many fights and quarrels in the past... .until I started to keep it on me to prevent this childish behavior... .was a fav trick she used to pull... .

So she wants them back now?

Well, I damn sure ain’t dropping them in the friggen mail... .uh’ NO!

What is this... .trying to keep a ‘connection’?

I’ve read about npd/BPD doing things like this... .

What should I do... .thoughts comments welcome !

Thanks for listening .

Red5  
  

[Skip]

What is this ... .trying to keep a ‘connection’?

Do you think she just wants the rings back.

The last three women I dated had taken jewelry from their marriage and traded it or had it made into new jewelry and they were very proud of it... .almost like rites of passage.

What do you think?

[Red5]

Do you think she just wants the rings back.

The last three women I dated had taken jewelry from their marriage and traded it or had it made into new jewelry and they were very proud of it... .almost like rites of passage.

What do you think?

Probably so... .then what was with the leave them in a pile in the office thing,

And this is the first times she’s mentioned them (text)... .

My D26 has her mother’s rings, from my first marraige... .

I still have my old wedding bands too.

Surprised she hasn’t asked me for my ring ... .that’s probably coming next... .

Her foo mum is a “nickel and dime you to death” kind of person... .so it’s probably coming from her... .BLUF, I ain’t dropping them into the mail, this will have to be a hand to hand arrangement... .just got to figure out a way to so that.

Wonder what’s next... .

Oh yeah’ since she says the freezer stays here, turns out I owe her a new ridding lawn mower... .yeah... .I smell foo mum here,

The stories I can tell about her... .too funny, but it’s not... .

Red5 

[empath]

Well, I damn sure ain’t dropping them in the friggen mail ... .uh’ NO!

What is this ... .trying to keep a ‘connection’?

Who knows... .  Sometimes people do things that they don't necessarily mean to in the midst of emotional storms.

Rings have been a big thing around here. H would take off his wedding ring when he felt like we were "fighting" then put it back on when he felt better about our relationship. H left his wedding ring (it's a very expensive replacement for the original that he lost) when he moved out; I put it in a safe location along with my rings.

She was told to take what she wanted when she left... .   The part that stood out to me is that you don't wanna put the rings in the mail - kinda forces you to have face to face if you were to return them.

[Red5]

So uBPDw calls me just now, I ignore the call, so she starts to text me... .I tried to ignore it, but then I started to reply, below is shot for shot... .thoughts ?

W/ Actually I am worried they will get lost in the mail. Can we work out something where you leave them hidden at the shed and I can pick them up after you leave for work and school?

W/May I please have my jewelry? It was given to me. I have not taken back everything I ever gave you. Why are you playing games like this? I am not (my ex wife name here) I didn’t do the things she did and I do not deserve this treatment.

Red5/ We’ll talk tomorrow.

W/I don’t want to talk. I just want to get my stuff and then you won’t hear from me anymore. Just text me where you hid my rings at the shed and I will get them when you’re gone. I guess the check for the chiminea and the riding lawnmower are changed now too? At least I have kept my word and done everything I said I would.

NOTE: why she thinks I’ve hidden suspect rings in shed? I dunno, they are in my desk drawer at work due to me slip g them into my helmet bag the night she left them in the office... .

Red5/Why did you leave those rings in the office?

W/I guess it was a last ditch effort to get you to stop all this. That all went out the window now though. I just want my jewelry and what you told me you would do.

Red5/ Stop this ? You are the one who moved out. You’ll get your things and that $... .I know you Mom has a disk with our wedding pictures on it... .I would like a copy of that please.

NOTE: she destroyed our wedding pictures.

W/You told me to or you and S32(autistic) would. I am not going to rehash the whole argument. I just want my rings and what we agreed to.

Red5/You hit him that can’t ever happen.

W/He hit me. He is taller and outweighs me by at least 80 pounds! At least when you lost your temper with him several times in the past... .You didn’t have to move out. Guess it’s different when it’s Dad. I don”t really care now anyway. I just want to resolve the rings before (step son’s name) gets here this week.

NOTE: she is rewriting history.

W/If there is a disc of pictures still it would either be in the office or the tub of wedding stuff in the closet. I have not seen them for a long time after another of our Big arguments. Another reason we should be apart.

Red5/When I lost my temper with him it was wrong... .and I’ve tried my best to not ever let things decay that far ever again. We would think by this stage of the marriage relationship that this type of dysregulation in behavior would not happen anymore, I also presented the idea that we seek a therapist to better understand how to care for S32(autistic)... .it’s not easy, but you flatly refused... .then after we suffered the loss of our beloved pet, you crossed that boundary again... .that can’t ever happen... .this whole event is indicative of anger issues... .I again brought up that we should seek therapeutic / relationship therapy... .again you flatly refused... .so here we are... .separated... .thoughts ?

W/All I want is my jewelry. You can tell your therapist and anyone else any damn thing you want. Yes. We both have anger issues. Another great reason to live apart. Why are you starting all this again? Why can’t you just tell me where to pick up the rings? Then we don’t have to even text each other.

Red5/Ok then... .I will figure out a way for you to obtain physical custody and permanent possession of your jewelry that you turned over to me before you left... .for what ever reason, and when I do I will come back here and text this it to you... .how you will get your rings back that you have left here, I don’t want to see you and I don’t want you back here, I will figure out a way, but it won’t be tonight... .you have my word on this ok, now good night.

I should’ve known better, but perhaps after she gets her “bling” back... .maybe she will leave us alone... .maybe... .I think the best thing to do is to maybe arrange to met her foo mum someplace in town... .’in public’ and have her take the items... .

Crazy... .still around... .

Thanks for listening,

Red5

[GaGrl]

What you do is send the jewelry in a regsitered/return receipt requested package so that you have a signature showing you received it.

You don't have to go down her rabbit trail.

Just tell her what you are going to do.

Or refer it to your lawyer.

[Red5]

Just tell her what you are going to do.

Or refer it to your lawyer.

I could have her pick the items/pack up from Mrs. Lawyers office... .hmmm,

But and "however"... .  uBPDw has no idea that I've spoken to Mrs. Lawyer... .

I'll figure something out... .

Or refer it to your lawyer.

... .yeah, I'll email Mrs. Lawyer in the morning, she'll know what to do : )

Red5

[Skip]

NOTE: why she thinks I’ve hidden suspect rings in shed? I dunno, they are in my desk drawer at work due to me slip g them into my helmet bag the night she left them in the office... .

She doesn't think they are in the shed... .

So gave you her rings for dramatic effect. That was clear at the time.

You asked your wife to leave. She left.  She is accepting a simple property division. You don't intend to keep the rings. You plan to pay her the $300.  Why have conflict over this? Why involve her FOO or the attorney you chatted with (she will want a retainer to transact this exchange)?

Why not put the rings and her check in the shed and start the healing process?

As far as getting, or being drunk, as a long time abuser (fun?) of alcohol, I know the zones, and I have to say that I do enjoy the first, and second phase of the drink/buzz/inebriated progression, like out with the boys back in the day, celebrations, and the like, but I don't like being crawling in the shower drunk ... .no, that's taking it too far.

Was the mason jar out last night?  Be careful. This type of interaction is not helpful to either of you.

[Red5]

She doesn't think they are in the shed... .

So gave you her rings for dramatic effect. That was clear at the time.

You asked your wife to leave. She left.  She is accepting a simple property division. You don't intend to keep the rings. You plan to pay her the $300.  Why have conflict over this? Why involve her FOO or the attorney you chatted with (she will want a retainer to transact this exchange)?

Why not put the rings and her check in the shed and start the healing process?

Was the mason jar out last night?  Be careful. This type of interaction is not helpful to either of you.

Yes, I had some quality mason jar time after my Son went to bed last night, I stayed up late, till after midnight... .you are right Skip... .

This type of interaction is not helpful to either of you.

Its just a matter of "logistics" now... .I texted her to met me up town this evening, at a public place and time of her choosing, and I will give her the 'pack'.

Haven't heard back yet... .

I don't think she will stop at the "jewelry"... .maybe, but I have doubts.

It will be "tax season" soon ; (

... .eleven years is a lot to untangle,

Red5

[Skip]

Yes, I had some quality mason jar time after my Son went to bed last night, I stayed up late, till after midnight ... .you are right Skip ... .

Bring the communications here and get some help from members. That is what most of us do.  It will help.

I noticed that you are reading about BPD now (which is great).  I've also noticed contradiction in your actions... .in some ways pushing her away and in some ways hoping this will resolve.

Are you done? Conflicted? Hoping to rsolve?

[Red5]

Bring the communications here and get some help from members. That is what most of us do.  It will help.

I noticed that you are reading about BPD now (which is great).  I've also noticed contradiction in your actions... .in some ways pushing her away and in some ways hoping this will resolve.

Are you done? Conflicted? Hoping to resolve?

I'm done Skip.

It is no longer tenable / sustainable.

I am her poison, and she is mine.

I've been reading about, studying up... and crash course learning about BPD for almost three years now (January 2017 epiphany)... .it has consumed me... .engulfed me... .I so very much wanted to "save" her, and this marriage... .

But things have just gone too far... .

When she moved out, even at my request (well I was mad?)... .that ended it, as I fed into her fear of abandonment... .maybe a mistake, but I had to enforce the boundary ("DON'T HIT MY KID ANYMORE!)... .

She was, and is still not "sorry" or apologetic, .she turned in on me, and said it was all my fault ; (

I've also noticed contradiction in your actions... .in some ways pushing her away and in some ways hoping this will resolve

I see your point, and observation.

No, I'm no longer conflicted, or wanting to "resolve"... .that ship has sailed... . she is gone, and she ain't coming back, she will never be a good caretaker to my Son... .she despises my Son, she is jealous of my Son... ."insert her inner core wound from childhood here?"... .so I am, and I have to "detach"... .but I still want to know "why"... .why did this happen exactly, is what I'm reading really true?... .morbid, and or guilty curiosity I reckon?

Since I told her "its you or me" (and the boy), what else was I to do... .she was 'unrepentant', not sorry in the least... .she even said, to her S31 on the phone that night, "yeah, I punched out, but he deserved it"... .Wow... .really... .so we cant live together anymore.

So... .I've been split black, and its quite permanent this time... there is no "going back"... .and back to what... .no.

I guess I want to know... .if I'd known about BPD say back in 2011, or before we got married (2007-2011)... .and I got really got "good at it"... .her perfect caretaker, nerves of steel... .Obi-Wan Kenobi'sih... .able to quash every dysregulation with the perfect BPDfam tool in seconds... ."would it have made a difference"... .any difference at all?... .that's what I am struggling with now.

... ."would it have made a difference"... .at all?

Thoughts Skip?

Red5