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Author Topic: It has been 7 months since the break-up, but it still feels fresh.  (Read 300 times)
mraa90

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« on: December 04, 2018, 07:17:12 PM »

Hello, friends.

7 months later, I'm still here. I really came a long way thanks you guys, my friends, and my therpist. Sometimes I wonder if she broke my on purpose. This girls intiated the relationship and within 6 weeks of intense dating and seeing each other she left. Like not left in a good manner, but left as in gave me the silent treatment for a whole month not answering my phone.

I found out by her friend that she did that to her friends too and it's common for her. I was told she was really depressed when she left me and was drinking a lot on her own.

I see her through her friend's instragram and she seems happy. She wears make up and deressed differently. She also goes to the club... .not really what I have known her for. She was the quiet type and full of anxiety problems. I think she's like that because she went back to drinking. I see her holding some type of drink in almost every picture. I have unfollowed her but you know... .I still check on her because I never loved anyone like that before.

It doesn't hurt me the same way anymore and I don't feel like going back to get my answers. Why did she treat me that way after I gave her all my time and attenition. She also told me that she wanted me in her life just to leave me like I was trash.

We all deserve better, it just sucks when the person you love messes you up like that. I hope we all fully heal soon.
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« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2018, 07:24:41 PM »

good too see you again mraa90!

how has therapy gone? what have you learned?
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mraa90

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« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 08:19:43 PM »

You know when something that happens like really shocks you. Your brain denies that it's real for a while. I'm beyond that phase now. I know what happened to me is real and it sucks.

What people told me is that I shouldn't allow people to treat me like that even if we love that person. I just went digging for her history after what happened and now I know she did that to many people before. My brain is able to link that while she was treating me like the only person in her life, she did that to other people before me. Although she was kind to me, she have already discarded and treated others before me like she did to me.

I wasn't something special to her, like she was to me. I was just a supply for a while. I never meant what I thought to her after all.

That is the reality of the whole thing. She will keep going through life discarding those who cares about her. Like she did to me, to her best friend, and those before us, too.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2018, 02:22:20 PM »

Hey mraa, Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient.  I predict that at some point you will feel grateful to have moved on.  Let me ask you a question, if you know: did your Ex experience some sort of trauma in her childhood?  Also, what makes you think that she has BPD?  I'm unsure from your post.  As you probably know, those w/BPD have an unstable sense of self, which means they often bounce around in their relationships and friendships.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim



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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
mraa90

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« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2018, 05:51:22 PM »

She told me up front that shew as emotionally unstable. She showed all the things people talk about here. Dad issues, and how she's happy he's dead. Talk badly of her best friend and has unstable relationships with friends.

I tried to be there for her, she challenged me by doing things that would ruin relationships. A normal guy with a healthy relationship skills would have left a long time ago. Sadly, I got hooked because I longed for someone to love me all my life.

After she failed to push me with her actions, she finally discared because she failed again and again.

I would like to thank her for telling me what she's going through. Do I blame her for killing me like that? I don't know... .and that's where I'm stuck.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2018, 10:20:11 AM »

Hey mraa, The odd thing about those w/BPD is that, if you get too close, they will push you away.  It sounds like that might have happened to you.  If so, maybe it will help to know that it's all part of the normal BPD pattern.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2018, 09:42:29 AM »

Hi, mraa90.   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I would like to thank her for telling me what she's going through. Do I blame her for killing me like that? I don't know... .and that's where I'm stuck.

Yes! I can relate very much to wanting this thank my ex for disclosing his diagnosis while at the same time feeling blame and anger. 

What else would you like to say to your ex?
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Seenowayout
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« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2018, 01:29:42 PM »

Hey mraa90;

And it may feel fresh for some time.  But hang in there.  I have to do the math now cause I don't even keep track anymore -- 20 months!  And don't think of her at all.  When I do I think what about what a messed up individual she was and wonder who she's damaging now.  And I amaze myself with what I put up with.  And wonder how I got there.

It will pass.  Just another point --  after the break up I was ruminating about it for months and months.  i tried everything and nothing was helping. Continuous obsessive thinking about her and what she did to me.  And then someone on here recommended meds.  I went on lexapro for a few months and BOOM -- reset.  Almost immediately.

Everyone's different, I just wanted to share with you what worked for me.  I now have a beautiful new girlfriend who adores me, I'm killing it at work, I talk with friends and family routinely again, I'm at the gym everyday ... .I got my old self back.
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« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2018, 06:15:06 PM »

Hello Mraa

It has been 3 years this week for me from a 15 year relationship/marriage.  It does get easier with time, but during particular times of the year, it still has moments of feeling fresh. 

But, my "fresh" of 3 years is not the same as your fresh of 7 months, make sense?  When I was 7 months "fresh", I was raw, angry, confused, hurt and somewhat lost from time to time.  Today, I can have moments of all that, but they are proportionately tiny to the bigger part of my day whereas in the beginning they were much greater.

As another poster mentioned, them leaving you when you get too close is one of the primary elements of BPD.  If you are like me, the part I still struggle with the most is the feeling of being hoodwinked into trusting what now appears to have been the ghost of someones imagination that had a physical representation.

Thankfully I dont talk with her friends and I am sure that would make it harder for me if I did, perhaps something to think about for yourself.
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« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2018, 11:47:23 PM »

Joeramabeme, I want to thank you for your words which helped me capture my feelings that I struggle with as well.

"the feeling of being hoodwinked into trusting what now appears to have been the ghost of someones imagination that had a physical representation."

Exactly.  It's hard to wrap your head around how I could have been so close to someone and shared so many intimate moments (not just physical intimacy), tears and laughter that they can disappear "poof" and they are gone.  No discussion nothing.  And then ignore you as if you never existed.  I think it's mostly that in a nutshell really. 

Mraa90 - It's been 8 mos for me going on 9 at the beginning of next month and I still do think of him a lot but it's getting a little less and less each day.  I am starting to accept it.  It was like holy cow when am i just going to be able to let this go and move on.  I even cried out to God to help him remove this obsession.  And in many ways he is helping me to do that.  These posts on this site are extremely helpful.  I receive the validation that I need at this time during the healing and grieving process. 

Warmly,
Tsultan 


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Red5


« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2018, 06:42:23 AM »

Good Morning  mraa90!

Throughout my endless readings on the subject of BPD, the one thing I keep reading ... .seeing is this,

*pw/BPD’s two biggest fears (emotional hang ups) are 1.) “fear of abandonment” ... .and 2.) “ fear of engulfment”... .

So they leave you first right after they get done devaluing you,  score they think you might leave them, a “preemptive thing”.

I think the engulfment part is the part where we the Non try’s to give them love, which scares them, as they can’t deal with the feelings?... .so that’s why things always go south after the ideation phase ... .then devalue, because of the fear of engulfment ... .followed by the discard.

Wash rinse repeat   ... .this never ending cycle could be days - weeks - months or even years ... .  but it’s always the same ... .

And then they move right on to the next “Love interest”... .  not out of meanness ... .but in an attempt to cover over their shame... .because deep down inside themselves they do know something is wrong ... .this cycle is like a drug addiction to them.

... .’very very sad but also interesting even though we are experiencing it personally and first hand, only after we now may understand what is happening’... .

Hang in there !

I know... .I talk too much 

Red5
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Drs204

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« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2018, 08:25:56 PM »

Excerpt
*pw/BPD’s two biggest fears (emotional hang ups) are 1.) “fear of abandonment” ... .and 2.) “ fear of engulfment”... .

So they leave you first right after they get done devaluing you,  score they think you might leave them, a “preemptive thing”.

I think the engulfment part is the part where we the Non try’s to give them love, which scares them, as they can’t deal with the feelings?... .so that’s why things always go south after the ideation phase ... .then devalue, because of the fear of engulfment ... .followed by the discard.

Wash rinse repeat   ... .this never ending cycle could be days - weeks - months or even years ... .  but it’s always the same ... .

And then they move right on to the next “Love interest”... .  not out of meanness ... .but in an attempt to cover over their shame... .because deep down inside themselves they do know something is wrong ... .this cycle is like a drug addiction to them.

... .’very very sad but also interesting even though we are experiencing it personally and first hand, only after we now may understand what is happening’... .

I think you said it there Red5.

 I at 6 months from her breaking it off, and 5 months from her new BF and her blocking me, and almost 5  months from not hearing anything from her. I think it was the same. I gave her unconditional love, which is something she had not experienced before and it scared her so she pushed me away and found a new "love interest" about a month later. She had a history of many BFs and one husband who passed away. Her dad also passed away when she was 15 so the abandonment is a theme  in her life.

In all my recent research and reading on the subject, this is pretty much par for the course.

To the OP, yes it still hurts me too. And with Christmas just around the corner... .we were almost together 2 years so had a couple of Christmases. The first we did exchange gifts and she wrote me a sweet card. The second she didn't want to exchange gifts or anything and may have been pulling away already.

I keep thinking "Maybe she will text me and want to meet up... ." but those are toxic thoughts for that will not happen, and if she did, it would start the cycle all over again.
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« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2018, 11:37:45 PM »

Hey mraa, The odd thing about those w/BPD is that, if you get too close, they will push you away.  It sounds like that might have happened to you.  If so, maybe it will help to know that it's all part of the normal BPD pattern.

LJ

This is the rotten part about BPD individuals - the engulfment and discard which ultimately follows their idealization. It's what led me to search out what/who I was dealing with.

I was left absolutely stunned after the first discard. Somebody who seemingly worshipped the ground I walked on just disappeared on me at the drop of a hat. Not only was I hurt, I was angry. Only after her crying and asking for a 2nd chance did I relent, because I was not going to take her back.

In hindsight, I should have told her to eff off. It would have saved me a lot of heartache as the 2nd discard was after another year+ of myself becoming even more attached.
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Red5
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Red5


« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2018, 12:04:01 AM »

This is the rotten part about BPD individuals - the engulfment and discard which ultimately follows their idealization. It's what led me to search out what/who I was dealing with.

I was left absolutely stunned after the first discard. Somebody who seemingly worshipped the ground I walked on just disappeared on me at the drop of a hat. Not only was I hurt, I was angry. Only after her crying and asking for a 2nd chance did I relent, because I was not going to take her back.

In hindsight, I should have told her to eff off. It would have saved me a lot of heartache as the 2nd discard was after another year+ of myself becoming even more attached.

... .a bad case of "cognitive dissonance" after the break-up('s) with pw/BPD is quite common ... .and we'll do it several times (h-oover) over ... .until the for keeps break up finally happens ... .

(source wiki/cite)-"In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes ... .with new evidence perceived by that person"

I lost count of how many times my upbdw (now separated) broke up with me as we dated for about 'almost' four years ... .and then I MARRIED her  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) !

... ."what honeymoon"  ... .she had an episode the night of the 'rehearsal diner' ... ... ..yeah ... .she slipped her rail even on the eve of our wedding!

... .oh, and NO sex the night after we got married  ... .the so called honeymoon, we went to the mountains ... .it was weird, she was a completely different person almost immediately after we got married ... .not withstanding the tumultuous dating period ... .but the sex was wild, and 'great' during the dating ... but after the wedding ... .that stopped ... .

... .I know, I talk too much  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

yeah ... .'cognitive dissonance' ... .the old "what if's" ... .

Red5

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