She is 41, and has never lived on her own, managed herself in any way

[Manifest32f]

Hi everyone: reading this post felt like reading my own encounters with my adult uBPDd. Everything everyday is a challenge and the advice from all of you has helped me cope better although I joined the group only recently and wish I had done it many years ago when I started experiencing difficulties with my daughter. It came as a shock and initially, I was her main target, facing everything you all have described here. Recently she has started targeting her father also and it is a nightmare. Everyday it’s unpredictable and sometimes if we think it’s going ok, she will start a conversation leading us into a trap and then it will be hell to pay. She is terrified of abandonment issues because we want to move away or at least go away for some time so we get a break from her and she learns how to live on her own. She is 41, and has never lived on her own, managed herself in any way although she knows how to do things very efficiently and is a successful professional. Her temper can be toxic and sweet as honey, depending on how she feels at that moment. Today she is very upset because we wanted to discuss booking our tickets and make plans. She has not slept yet although it’s past 1am and she has to go to work at 9! I don’t know what to do

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Manifest 

I can absolutely relate to your difficulties with your daughter as I know many other parents here can. We are all learning here together, supporting each other through it. I'm glad you continue to post and reach out for support. As parents, our job is to bring our children up - and out. Having a child with BPD traits makes the "out" part very challenging.

I'm glad you have found this message board helpful in coping. I sure have and, like you, wish I had found it sooner.

You say she's terrified of abandonment and was upset when you attempted to discuss booking tickets and making plans. It sounds like that discussion may have triggered her fear of abandonment, causing her to lose sleep. Did she make it to work?

Are you finding time for self-care? Doing things you enjoy?

~ OH

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Manifest32f,

Welcome to the board. I am glad you found us.

I went through something similar last year with my DD21. Even wtih months of preparation and warning she still went into full meltdown in the couple of weeks before we left. We ended up solving the problem by sending her to stay with her Auntie for a few days while we were gone. She was thrilled and although still mad at us for leaving her it kept her calmer and more importantly, safe.

Does your daughter have any friends? Maybe she could go somewhere with a friend while you're away?  Just throwing out some ideas.


HB

[Manifest32f]

Hi: thank you both for the encouraging words. Yes, she made it to work and behaved ok although later in the evening, complained to me that her father made a statement about booking the tickets and not ask her for her input. My husband seems to have also asked her if she was taking time off to go with us to attend a wedding, which aggravated her because she said we had not conversed with her in detail although she could have taken time off if she had known about it 2 months ago. A little background- whenever we attempt to talk about anything with her, she will always say, ‘not now, remind me later’ and there is never a good time to discuss anything. I have been saying that I want to move away to a warmer place at least during severe winter months since I retired but she never wants to address that. My husband retired recently and both of us want to go away during winter and also use this opportunity to let her live on her own but she avoids discussing the issue. It’s perhaps due to anxiety and fear of abandonment and although we assure her we will come back after a couple of months, she does not want to sit and talk about it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can approach this? Re the question if she can go stay with someone,due to her job, she cannot take off for long- also, she doesn’t have friends with whom she can go and stay in the same city. Usually her friends come and stay with us since we live in a vibrant city/neighborhood. Also both she and we, want her to start living on her own and manage herself just to prove to herself (we know for sure she can easily do it) that she can do it very well. Many years ago, she used to stay for short periods of time on her own but the past 15 yrs or so, she has not stayed on her own since we all started taking vacations at different time to visit family and only now my husband and I have some time off together. So I am not sure how to convince her that she can do it and how to make her sit to have a conversation without resulting in one of her angry outbursts or tearful session. Any suggestion is greatly appreciated. Thank you

[wendydarling]

Hi Manifest32f

From a previous post you shared you've been preparing your DD for this for a year, she's on the defensive, avoiding, and perhaps fearful, triggered any time it's discussed she dysregulates, is difficult.

So I am not sure how to convince her that she can do it and how to make her sit to have a conversation without resulting in one of her angry outbursts or tearful session.

How to convince her that she can do it, is likely the opposite of how she is feeling by what you share. My DD has limitations and understanding those has been key for me, I'm not saying she can't grow and change, she's doing very well, it's that I had to change my approach and learn tools and lessons here, how I communicate, for her to gradually take responsibility for herself, which slowly she continues to, at her pace.

I can hear how difficult this is, you deserve your life, time away. Have you booked your tickets?

WDx

[Manifest32f]

Hi: I have not progressed in anyway re booking the tickets. My husband tried to start the topic but hesitated to really discuss anything finite. She knows we want to leave before severe winter sets in or else we can fall sick. I am not sure if she is purposely avoiding facing the real situation. If I know her well, she may be feeling guilty about not making the plans or taking the initiative but she is terrified of the prospect of being on her own, I think. For now, we have scheduled painting work of the apartment and reorganizing everything, focusing on reducing clutter and making it suitable for her to find things easier. She is initiating everything and we are going along hoping she would get a hang of things and own it all to feel confident and comfortable to go forward on her own! Am I expecting too much? I hope these actions will lead to her saying it is time we leave to come back in a couple of months! Also she wants the lease to be in her name so she can have better access to all available information. Hopefully she will progress with that. Thanks for all the support from you all. I greatly appreciate it.

[wendydarling]

Thanks Manifest32f, it's positive to hear she's taking some ownership, initiative. Small steps as you are doing, decluttering organising can certainly help. Have you discussed, or thought how you'll communicate while your away. Setting up a regular time to connect may provide some structure, comfort? Does your daughter socialise much, perhaps with work colleagues, I'm thinking whether she'll reach out to others, cinema trip, a walk, supper at yours? Does she have any hobbies, interests?

[Manifest32f]

Hi: I am sorry I didn’t respond earlier. My D has many ‘friends ‘, some of them take great advantage of her and give horrible advice (which my husband and I resented and foolishly I told her that, creating unending uproar and fight - I have since stopped although she knows I don’t like them - more details to follow) while some are really good because she goes out of her way to accommodate them and they reciprocate. I think some of these good friends will continue to be there for her. She is excellent when it comes to caring and being emotionally supportive and empathetic which wins her many friends. I worry that she overextends herself resulting in very little energy left to do anything including self care. She has severe allergies, GERD, etc. and eats very carefully to maintain her weight due to family h/x of diabetes. Recently she expressed a desire to go away with us to visit extended family when we leave since it has been a couple of years since we went last. Today she said she would like to look for tickets to book so she could submit for vacation request. I hope it all works out well. In the interim, we are scheduling for a small Christmas & New Year gathering with select friends (we try and do it this past couple of years) so that we have some good time.

I have one important question- I am not much of a ‘talker’ by nature and my D is just the opposite- she has been asking why I don’t talk and that she is ‘waiting ‘ for me to talk to her. I would greatly appreciate it if you had any suggestions on what I can talk to her about that would not aggravate her. Thank you

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Manifest,

My daughter used to say similar things to me. I don't talk very much in general. In retrospect, for my daughter at least, I think I could have asked her more questions. She also liked it a lot if I asked for her opinion. She started making more of an effort before we went no contact to ask me about my work and how things were for me. I did notice that the more I talked about my feelings the more she was able to see me as a person, rather than just her mom.

I hope that is little helpful

[Manifest32f]

Thanks for the tip, HB. Maybe I will try that when I get a chance. When I ask her about anything, she either doesn’t want to talk then or accuses me of not asking/saying it sooner! There’s never a good time for anything I may say or do & it irks me and so I avoid altogether. Why bother because nothing I say or do is ever going to be good enough? Today she was going out to volunteer at some place and said some hurtful things before she left because she was running late (not because of me although she blamed it on me). She texted hurtful things and usually I keep quiet but I decided to respond and I put everything in ‘I’ statements and for some reason she responded politely and apologized for her part, still trying to only half heartedly taking responsibility! This was a slightly different approach on her part and I just let it go. Do you think it’s a good idea to respond similarly going forward since I don’t like going back and forth arguing about some silly stuff? Any suggestion is appreciated and I want to thank you all for the wonderful support. Take care and Happy Holidays!

[Harri]

Hi.

I think using I statements is a great way communicate.  It is hard to say if this will work all or even part of the time though so I would say keep trying.  There may be times I statements work well and other times when Using SET techniques may be better and even more.  We have several tools that can help.

or accuses me of not asking/saying it sooner

How about saying something like, I care and I am asking/saying it now.  You know her better than we do. 

Some of these techniques may not work right away.  It took a while for communication to break down to the point it did and it will take time to improve things but they can get better.

Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders