Wife has BPD

[FMA1990]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD a year ago. I thought it would get better. I thought if I stayed I could be her knight in shining armor and help her get through this and all would be better in a year or two. Now I just hate myself for ever letting myself get married to her and thinking I could help change her. She is the only one who can do that, but now I am stuck with beratement, hatred, and cycle of being the best person she knows and “worthless piece of ___” she believes me to be. I don’t want to leave her. I love her. I just feel so hopeless and guilty right now. I know it’s not my fault she acts the way she does. I just wish I could help more.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zakade]

FMA1990, Welcome!

Sorry to hear that you struggling so much.  This is a great place for you to be around people that are having similar issues as you.  I know you said that she has been diagnosed with BPD. 

What kind of treatment has she had since being diagnosed?

What have you done for yourself to grow?

Zakade

[Harri]

Hi FMA.  I am joining Zakade in saying welcome to the site!  Many of us can relate to your situation.  The good news is we get it here.  The other good news is that we can help guide and support you as you decide how you want to approach things.

It is very difficult when we love someone and want to help them but it turns out to be the very last thing we can or should be doing.  You are right, you can't change your wife.  What you can change is your part of the relationship though.  I am not placing blame here when I say that.  I mean that we often can learn ways to communicate that can improve things for *us* and sometimes that will make things better for them too, but the focus here is on us. 

I hope you settle in and continue to post and jump into other threads.  It is very helpful to watch others as they work through similar issues and it is important for you to build a support network that among people who understand.

If you had to pick one thing to work on right now, what would that be?  We can help.

Again, welcome.