New here, struggling to cope - 12yo daughter w/BPD, ADHD, SAD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I need help. This seems like the best place to find it.

Our daughter (now 12 years old) has been a challenge to raise since Day 1, but parenting got exponentially more difficult this year. We switched her from a small, private Montessori school (which she attended from 1st to 6th grades) to a large, public middle school for 7th grade. The change was motivated mostly by financial reasons, but also convenience (school close by, bus service, etc.) and a sincere belief that she needed to learn how to deal with the "real world" sooner rather than later.

Before school started, she absolutely dreaded the transition, spending most of the summer depressed in her room (with occasional panic attacks from social anxiety, when we'd send her to overnight camp for a week).

Once the school year started, she became suicidal, full of rage, begging us to let her stay home and do online school. She made at least two suicide attempts that we know of, and this fall spent several weeks in treatment (residential and outpatient). She's thwarted every effort to try to help her: therapists, meds, extra help at school, support groups, you name it. Nothing will help, yet we're purposely inflicting this "torture" on her when the solution is so simple and clear (homeschool or a small school that caters to kids with ADHD/behavioral issues).

While she used to love school and was considered a model student (within her former Montessori "bubble"), she is now failing most of her classes. Refuses to participate in class, do homework, make friends, ask teachers for help, or try any of the coping skills she was introduced to in treatment.

My husband and I aren't giving up on her. We finally found a therapist she will at least "tolerate," and hope to have her start DBT next month. She has a psychiatrist and is on lithium (though she insists it's not helping, as she has with all medications). We've also begun the process of getting her an IEP at school.

But as probably everyone on this board knows, it is So. Dang. Hard. I'm completely drained from dealing with her, trying to help her, feeling like we're making zero progress, arguing with my husband about the right thing to do. My heart hurts. I feel so heavy with sadness and disappointment and worry.

I started a new job around the same time school started, and it's been extremely tough for me to focus on work while all this has been going on at home. I just want to find some hope and understanding from the other parents in this community. Thank you for reading.

[BadMomAlert]

I need help. This seems like the best place to find it.

Our daughter (now 12 years old) has been a challenge to raise since Day 1, but parenting got exponentially more difficult this year. We switched her from a small, private Montessori school (which she attended from 1st to 6th grades) to a large, public middle school for 7th grade. The change was motivated mostly by financial reasons, but also convenience (school close by, bus service, etc.) and a sincere belief that she needed to learn how to deal with the "real world" sooner rather than later.

Before school started, she absolutely dreaded the transition, spending most of the summer depressed in her room (with occasional panic attacks from social anxiety, when we'd send her to overnight camp for a week).

Once the school year started, she became suicidal, full of rage, begging us to let her stay home and do online school. She made at least two suicide attempts that we know of, and this fall spent several weeks in treatment (residential and outpatient). She's thwarted every effort to try to help her: therapists, meds, extra help at school, support groups, you name it. Nothing will help, yet we're purposely inflicting this "torture" on her when the solution is so simple and clear (homeschool or a small school that caters to kids with ADHD/behavioral issues).

While she used to love school and was considered a model student (within her former Montessori "bubble"), she is now failing most of her classes. Refuses to participate in class, do homework, make friends, ask teachers for help, or try any of the coping skills she was introduced to in treatment.

My husband and I aren't giving up on her. We finally found a therapist she will at least "tolerate," and hope to have her start DBT next month. She has a psychiatrist and is on lithium (though she insists it's not helping, as she has with all medications). We've also begun the process of getting her an IEP at school.

But as probably everyone on this board knows, it is So. Dang. Hard. I'm completely drained from dealing with her, trying to help her, feeling like we're making zero progress, arguing with my husband about the right thing to do. My heart hurts. I feel so heavy with sadness and disappointment and worry.

I started a new job around the same time school started, and it's been extremely tough for me to focus on work while all this has been going on at home. I just want to find some hope and understanding from the other parents in this community. Thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello there and welcome to BPD Family 

I'm sorry for what has brought you here but I'm really glad you found us.

I just want to find some hope and understanding from the other parents in this community.

I can tell you, you've come to the right place. There is hope for us, for our children, and we truly understand. We support each other and learn together.

What you write about changing schools really brought back some memories for me. When my 25-year-old daughter (DD25) moved from elementary school (small pond) to middle school (big pond), things got a lot worse. I wish I had found BPD Family way back then as I'm learning that many of the ways I was communicating with her were ineffective.

You sure have a lot going on with a new job, arguing with your husband about the right thing to do for your daughter, your daughter's suicide attempts. Are you also seeing a therapist?

There are many parents here who can relate to what you've written so thank you for sharing. I'm sure others will be along shortly - we are here, listening, and supporting you.

Again, welcome 

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi.     I am joining Only Human in saying hello and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us as this is a very supportive and understanding group of people here who get it. 

I hope you just jump in and start reading and posting in other threads as that is the best way to get help and support.  I am sorry for the struggles you and your daughter and husband are experiencing though. 

I am going to give you a link to some of the articles and tools we have available here.  Take a look and feel free to ask any questions you may have.  HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

Again, I am glad you joined us.

[BadMomAlert]

Thank you for your kind replies, Only Human and Harri.

To answer your question, I have seen a therapist off and on over the years, but recently have been "between" therapists. Finally made the effort to find a new one for myself - covered by my insurance, close to my work, but no availability until January. Going to rely on my friends and family support system to get through.

[Only Human]

It's great that you have family and friends to support you through this and especially while you wait for your appointment in January. It's great you found a T that fits for you, does s/he have experience with BPD?

I'm glad you posted an update and I hope you will also consider all of us parents here part of your support system 

~ OH

[Lea2000]

HI!  Welcome, you are in the right place for sure.  Your post felt so familiar to me.  I remember when my DD18 was 12 yrs old.  There was not one particular event, but one day things just turned black.  I felt like a huge gaping hole opened up right underneath us and the fall was horrifying.
I know your world can seem completely illogical many days and those are probably some of the better days!  It's so hard but we are here. 
Key things that have helped me - my therapist, this BPD family group and the Family Connections course, DBT therapy with my child, and a wonderful residential program in my area that my DD entered early on in "The Fall" as I call it.  It takes a lot of time and resources to deal with this, and both can be hard to find.  In my case, I really just could not have survived without ALL of this and friends and family.  My heart goes out to you and your family. 

[BadMomAlert]

@Only Human: My soon-to-be therapist doesn't appear to have experience with BPD (at least, according to her bio). But her areas of focus seem helpful for my situation: "children and adolescents with behavioral issues, ADD/ADHD, depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, stress-related issues, work-related and career issues, mediation, anger issues, parenting and co-parenting education."

@Lea2000: Thank you for sharing your experience. One statement particularly resonated: "... .one day things just turned black.  I felt like a huge gaping hole opened up right underneath us and the fall was horrifying." So aptly describes my feelings in the past few months. I will lean on all the resources and supports I can.

[loveandcare]

Welcome -

I also extend a warm internet hug to you and your family. Believe me when I tell you that I could have written your post. You have definitely found the right "home" on the internet. This place has helped me more than I can tell you - even just as a place to vent to people who "get it".

LaC

[ChevyGuy2018]

Oh man... .this post resonated so much with me.  Thank you for sharing.  I too am new to this site and not 2 minutes in, I see your post.

We have a 14 year old daugther and had a very similar experience with middle school.  We didn't change school systems (we've always been in public school system for all the same reasons you changed to one) but the change to 7th grade seemed to be a tipping point.  Honestly up that point she's been the easy one to raise.  We always had "trouble" with our older child (although now that we're dealing with her, looking back at his issues they sure seem rather minor now). A month into 7th grade, the whole thing took a dark turn.

Therapy is important for you too and would suggest that both you and your husband go together, at least sometimes. My daughter hasn't yet attempted suicide (ugh... .just weight of knowing I have to use the word "yet" there). She has been cutting, has made horrible false accusations about her brother, and her mom and I to her friends, that have resulted in visits to the house by local PD, CPS, and even charges filed against her older brother (which were eventually dropped because she admitted she made it up).  Our marriage wouldn't survive if we, my wife and I, were not a team on this.  Going to therapy together has really helped maintain that.

It's also good to have family engaged that you trust, because we all have that family we don't, right?  Family is family, and we love them all, but not all of them are those you'd share a struggle like this with. Fear of judgement from our family is VERY real. We have been so fortunate that my wife's sister and brother-in-law went through a struggling teenage daughter as well, and unfortunately did so without resources like this or even a BPD diagnosis (although in hindsight she probably was/is).  They have been so understanding and helpful.

God bless you, "mom".  I hope you find this resource helpful.  I sure have just in the short time I've been on here.  Shoot... .just typing this message back to you was therapeutic... haha!

[Only Human]

Hello again,

Thinking of you as it's January, and hoping for great things when you meet with your new therapist.

@Only Human: My soon-to-be therapist doesn't appear to have experience with BPD (at least, according to her bio). 

I've heard other members mention sharing articles/information from this site with their therapists. I've given mine a link   

Please let us know how it's going, we are here for you when you're ready.

~ OH