Just found out that spouse has BPD, but really I've known for a while...

[Smithu]

Hi Everyone

I'm so glad there is help and support for people living with someone with BPD. I recently found out from my spouse's therapist that she has BPD, but she hasn't told her. Not sure why that is, but I will ask next time I have a session with the therapist. I know it's not my place to tell my spouse she has BPD, but the worst of the issues that come up are I think because of it.

Based on what I've read from the 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' book, her BPD is the invisible sort where people won't believe me if I tell them. My spouse is very high-functioning, but the long-term damage she does to me and especially our kids is awful. For all the years I've been married to her, I thought her rages were because I wasn't up to scratch - especially my parenting skills. Now, I see that her behavior fits the BP pattern.

I feel isolated and become angry sometimes that I can't do anything. Sometimes I want to throw it back in her face and watch her have a nervous breakdown when she realizes what she has done because she has BPD. I know that isn't the right thing to do though.

I know I didn't cause it. I know I can't control it. I know I can't cure it. The therapist thinks that she is the sort of BP that will deny having it and never seek help. I tend to agree. I can take of myself, but what about our kids?

Smithu

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[Turkish]

Hi Smithu,

I'm glad that you found us.

Many therapists won't share a BPD diagnosis with a patient.  My HMO won't,  but will refer them to DBT if needed.  At the core of BPD is shame. I read a recovered pwBPD (person with BPD) put it like this: "my feelings are inherently worthless and don't matter,  therefore I'm inherently worthless and don't matter." This is why we stress validation as a first level communication tool (see specifically Lesson 3 at the top of the board in Lessons).

But what specifically is going on with you, what's hurting the most? How old are the kids and how are they being affected?

High functioning is certainly hard to deal with.  It can result in one feeling alone and isolated.