What honeymoon ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  sarcasm follows  

... ."what honeymoon ?... .In some cases... .there has been a (maybe long) period of dating prior to the marriage, from months to even years, in Red5's 'case'... .almost four years.

Mrs. Jeckyl... .err "Hyde" had already made her appearance many times over the course of the relationship... .BPD push and pull... .testing the Non, "will the Non abandon me?"

(Mrs. Jeckyl)... ."wow, I really socked it too him, but that crazy man is still here", .wants to take me out to dinner tonight... ."I wonder just how much will he take"... ."lets see" !

... ."an alternative angry persona, that can appear without warning."

So the Non, even after 3.5 years of "dating" still ain't got a clue, ."what   "... .oh' shes just a drama queen, she was 'wounded' by the s-o-b first husband of hers she told me all about... .whom swept her off her cute little feet when she was fifteen (and he was "over twenty"), .and then after he r-u-n-n-o-f-t'ed with that blonde... .there was their divorce, .then she told me about Eddie "the steady", Todd "the rod", Tommy "the gun"... .and that "dreamy" Gene('ie) person... .so I, Red5, am going to PROVE to her that she is indeed awesome, and that I can save her ; )

She isn't going to have to "put up with that kind of treatment" anymore... .

We Non's become extremely accustomed to "interceding" in the path of any and all triggers, thus to ensure that our beautiful Mrs. Jekyll pw/BPD will not relapse into her 'alter' Mrs. Hyde again... .oh' yes, we've seen her, Mrs. Jekyll... .err Hyde, .but we've "explained it all away"... ."well she had a rough start"... .and thanks to all those other "bad guys" she told me about, on our first date ... .she'll be ok, after I propose, and get that band of gold round that pretty little finger of hers  ... .yes !... .that's the ticket !... .and after all this time, I'll have my 'soulmate'... . 

... .'sweet trauma bonding',

At other times, this individual may have been exceedingly charming and loving to us, and as children, we desperately wanted that side of them to return, instead of the scary, unpredictable, angry part.

Through this experience, we incorporated an internal behavioral template: appease and hope that the "nice" person comes back soon.

Yes, many of us were pre-programmed to accept abuse, to live with abuse, and to "stick with it"... .because we made a promises('s)... .and after all, our pw/BPD is "sick"... .we wouldn't leave them in a hospital bed would we... .ah' the "fog"... .beware what is hidden in the "fog"... .they made a movie about 'fog'... .The Fog (2005 film)... .

If we bend over backwards and apologize for some violation we apparently committed, for which we have no memory or understanding, and then our beloved changes back to their warm, kind self--we might think this is a useful strategy and continue to try to do this, even when later, it doesn't work.

Instead of trying something new, such as learning the "tools" taught here, we might just keep trying to appease, apologize, do more, do less, in a frantic attempt to keep our loved one from dysregulating.

... .and all the while, we become even more lost in the "fog"... .we become someone else... .a 'caretaker'... .eggshells, become oyster shells... .and over time, our feet become so cut up, and punctured, we trail blood with every step... .and we may come to the realization... ."this ain't working for me anymore"... .

So we make a trip to the "hardware store"... .got to be a new 'tool' here that will 'change my life'  

Distress tolerance skills give us breathing room to step back, compose ourselves, get an overview of the situation, and bring our aware and most compassionate selves to the present moment. Having the behavioral flexibility to try new strategies, assess what works and what doesn't, give us the ability to not be drawn into the drama whirlwind, but to hold our center.  

Eureka !... .at last, the supply ship has arrived, we will have hot chow, and rum tonight !  

Give Mrs. Jeckyl  a great big hug,  ... .and tell her that you love her... .and offer her a stout mug of rum !

Life is good again : )

... .and I can't even feel them oyster shells under my feet anymore, what with these new oyster shucking boots I have found downtown at the hardware store !

"SECURE from sarcasm"

Red5

 

[Red5]

  sarcasm follows  

... ."what honeymoon ?... .In some cases... .there has been a (maybe long) period of dating prior to the marriage, from months to even years, in Red5's 'case'... .almost four years.

Mrs. Jeckyl... .err "Hyde" had already made her appearance many times over the course of the relationship... .BPD push and pull... .testing the Non, "will the Non abandon me?"

(Mrs. Jeckyl)... ."wow, I really socked it too him, but that crazy man is still here", .wants to take me out to dinner tonight... ."I wonder just how much will he take"... ."lets see" !

... ."an alternative angry persona, that can appear without warning."

So the Non, even after 3.5 years of "dating" still ain't got a clue, ."what   "... .oh' shes just a drama queen, she was 'wounded' by the s-o-b first husband of hers she told me all about... .whom swept her off her cute little feet when she was fifteen (and he was "over twenty"), .and then after he r-u-n-n-o-f-t'ed with that blonde... .there was their divorce, .then she told me about Eddie "the steady", Todd "the rod", Tommy "the gun"... .and that "dreamy" Gene('ie) person... .so I, Red5, am going to PROVE to her that she is indeed awesome, and that I can save her ; )

She isn't going to have to "put up with that kind of treatment" anymore... .

We Non's become extremely accustomed to "interceding" in the path of any and all triggers, thus to ensure that our beautiful Mrs. Jekyll pw/BPD will not relapse into her 'alter' Mrs. Hyde again... .oh' yes, we've seen her, Mrs. Jekyll... .err Hyde, .but we've "explained it all away"... ."well she had a rough start"... .and thanks to all those other "bad guys" she told me about, on our first date ... .she'll be ok, after I propose, and get that band of gold round that pretty little finger of hers  ... .yes !... .that's the ticket !... .and after all this time, I'll have my 'soulmate'... . 

... .'sweet trauma bonding',

At other times, this individual may have been exceedingly charming and loving to us, and as children, we desperately wanted that side of them to return, instead of the scary, unpredictable, angry part.

Through this experience, we incorporated an internal behavioral template: appease and hope that the "nice" person comes back soon.

Yes, many of us were pre-programmed to accept abuse, to live with abuse, and to "stick with it"... .because we made a promises('s)... .and after all, our pw/BPD is "sick"... .we wouldn't leave them in a hospital bed would we... .ah' the "fog"... .beware what is hidden in the "fog"... .they made a movie about 'fog'... .The Fog (2005 film)... .

If we bend over backwards and apologize for some violation we apparently committed, for which we have no memory or understanding, and then our beloved changes back to their warm, kind self--we might think this is a useful strategy and continue to try to do this, even when later, it doesn't work.

Instead of trying something new, such as learning the "tools" taught here, we might just keep trying to appease, apologize, do more, do less, in a frantic attempt to keep our loved one from dysregulating.

... .and all the while, we become even more lost in the "fog"... .we become someone else... .a 'caretaker'... .eggshells, become oyster shells... .and over time, our feet become so cut up, and punctured, we trail blood with every step... .and we may come to the realization... ."this ain't working for me anymore"... .

So we make a trip to the "hardware store"... .got to be a new 'tool' here that will 'change my life'  

Distress tolerance skills give us breathing room to step back, compose ourselves, get an overview of the situation, and bring our aware and most compassionate selves to the present moment. Having the behavioral flexibility to try new strategies, assess what works and what doesn't, give us the ability to not be drawn into the drama whirlwind, but to hold our center.  

Eureka !... .at last, the supply ship has arrived, we will have hot chow, and rum tonight !  

Give Mrs. Jeckyl  a great big hug,  ... .and tell her that you love her... .and offer her a stout mug of rum !

Life is good again : )

... .and I can't even feel them oyster shells under my feet anymore, what with these new oyster shucking boots I have found downtown at the hardware store !

"SECURE from sarcasm"

Red5

 

[Skip]

I understand your anger.

How is your son reacting to all of this change - the altercation - then her moving out?

[Red5]

I understand your anger.

How is your son reacting to all of this change - the altercation - then her moving out?

Hey Skip,

Well he is very confused... .’he keeps saying’ “we’ll get it fixed dad”... .“I shouldn’t have pinched her dad” he says... .

... .”she’s always mad dad” he will say that over and over,

Then he touches his forehead where she wholloped him, and he will start rocking back and forth on his feet,

Then he’ll say... .“Gods gonna take care of her dad”... .

... .’tears’... .

This really sux Skip... .it really sux man,

Red5

[Skip]

Sorry Red.

You all have each other now (and "old man" the dog). You all can come around and help each other.

It's a huge change to have someone who has been in your lives for over a decade be gone.

These things really hurt.  Hang in there man.

[Red5]

It's a huge change to have someone who has been in your lives for over a decade be gone.

These things really hurt.  Hang in there man.

Grown up stuff, hard stuff, tough stuff ... .we will be alright... .

Thanks Skip!

Red5

[once removed]

she'll be ok, after I propose, and get that band of gold round that pretty little finger of hers  ... .yes ! ... .that's the ticket ! ... .and after all this time, I'll have my 'soulmate' ... . 

you had a lot of hope, huh?

grieving the hopes and dreams of marriage is devastating. ive seen a lot of people in my life go through it. everyone suffers.

with 'a little help from your friends', it does get better.

[Red5]

you had a lot of hope, huh?

grieving the hopes and dreams of marriage is devastating. ive seen a lot of people in my life go through it. everyone suffers.

with 'a little help from your friends', it does get better.

Yeah, .and its my "second tour" as well.

... .it does suck Man,

I feel like I've failed her,

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

I feel like I've failed her,

Red5

Red, I feel the same way about stbxuBPDh.

For some reason, I feel like I should have been the special person, the one person who existed in all the world who could make it better, fight the demons, tame the beast inside, heal the damage and save him from the darkness. I think he expected that of me, too.

But I can't. Not without some kind of cooperation, anyway. I hold no more power to coax a disorder out of a person's mind than I do to stop the wind and waves. And I was foolish to think that I did.

I was set up for failure from the start with that kind of grandiose fantasy. I was never meant to be some kind of self sacrifice to mental illness, some kind of mythical love martyr that defies reality and becomes a superhuman savior against all odds. It just doesn't happen that way.

Realizing my own limitations in this relationship has been devastating and tragic, but I believe that it is also the key to letting myself out of the guilt prison. Unrealistic expectations has been the root cause of a lot of his abusive behavior towards me. What I have to do is realize that I also placed unrealistic expectations on myself, to be the catalyst for change in him. I recognized his expectations of me to be impossible and unreasonable, but simultaneously held myself to an equally impossible and unreasonable standard.

You had a no win situation from the start, Red. It's not your fault.

Sending you hugs, 

Redeemed

[Red5]

I was set up for failure from the start with that kind of grandiose fantasy.

I was never meant to be some kind of self sacrifice to mental illness, some kind of mythical love martyr that defies reality and becomes a superhuman savior against all odds.

It just doesn't happen that way.

Realizing my own limitations in this relationship has been devastating and tragic, but I believe that it is also the key to letting myself out of the guilt prison.

Unrealistic expectations has been the root cause of a lot of his abusive behavior towards me.

What I have to do is realize that I also placed unrealistic expectations on myself, to be the catalyst for change in him.

I recognized his expectations of me to be impossible and unreasonable, but simultaneously held myself to an equally impossible and unreasonable standard.

You had a no win situation from the start, Red. It's not your fault.

Hey Redeemed, and thank you... .

I've been spending a lot of time "investigating" the accident scene... .like we used to do when we lost an aircraft... .(metaphorically).

Yes, I am coming to realize that I "never stood a chance"... .and that this marriage, is a "replay" of my first one.

Except this time, I am more knowledgeable (?), from even more experience gained, and more life lessons learnt the 'hard way'... .

The "core wound" of the pw/BPD... .very interesting, but also very sad.

I came across this just last night.

I'll share the link. www.psycheblog.uk/2017/02/22/borderline-personality-and-abuse-of-non-borderlines-3/

What I am coming more and more to understand, and I'm quite sure every relationship is very different in its construct... .is this, in my case... .this is not something I could have ever prevented from happening, I mean the end of the relationship... .the relationship / marriage being tenable, maintainable, or sustainable... ., leading to what we have now... .separation, and pending divorce... .I speak for my (and my wife's) case only here... .knowing what I think I know now, about her, her foo, and what she's shared with me over the years we've been together, ie’ her childhood, subsequent marriage, and follow on relationships... .as' there were four between her fist husband and me, in about a fifteen month period of time (?)… (continuing) I have come to understand that we were doomed from the start... .I don't think, even if I'd been armed with the knowledge I have now, as in back in 2007'ish... .that I could have "saved anything" by now... .she is fifty-one now, and even if she were to "ever" admit that she has a personality disorder, which she never will... .that she would have been able to, after 'therapy?"... .to present any different than she has, or is presenting behaviorally now... .to me, it just means I would just have slipped into my caretaker role much sooner... .but the end result would have been the same, I would have only 'understood the 'why' part' sooner rather than later... .

I am sure I'll replay the "what if" tape over and over... .for quite a while,

BLUF is, she completely lost her temper... .and hit my kid... .not me, which she has before (hit me too)... .she hit my autistic Son... .and I told her, .even after I asked her, pleaded with her to just let me handle him, care for him… but no, she crossed that boundary, and the subsequent result is…"it’s you or me", and so I told her... ."we can’t live together anymore after this"... .so she left.

And to add more, and even bigger problems, she has stag-e iv r-c-c… dx almost three yrs ago now... and she is not responding to her treatments, so enter extreme “fog” on my part… yes, extreme… that said… BPD, or any other suspected personality disorder, that I “think” she may be suffering from concurrently / simultaneously… is certainly NOT on her radar as she is fighting for her very life at this moment, .and I asked her to leave, either it’s you or me I said…

It’s all pretty terrible… just terrible ; (

… could it get any worse?

She started devaluing me a long time ago, years ago... .and at that time, I didn't even understand what that meant... .it’s been rough the entire relationship... .and if this is what it is (uBPD), at this point in time... .and even after all this time has passed, and even after ALL the terrible things done and said over and over... .over the last seven years married, and eleven years in the relationship... .and it comes to this... .her beloved dog dies, she can’t handle it, so she attacks my Son... .and has no remorse, .only anger towards me, AND him... .then it’s over, and I have to come to terms with this... .and I must convince myself of this... .thus the endless "study", and "research" to further understand in detail, whom she is, and why she is the way she is.

ugh ; (

Take Good Care Redeemed, and thank you for listening!

Red5