Should I tell my BP wife that I love her?

[MrJake]

My BP wife is threatening separation/divorce and generally expressing negativity toward me, calling me names, making false accusations, raging, etc. If I want to help her and I know that as a BP her greatest underlying fear is abandonment, what is the best way to respond? If she says, "Don't say you love me," do I stop saying "I love you" to her? Wouldn't that just reinforce her fear that I don't love her, or that she is unlovable? Conversely, if I say "I love you," will she interpret that as a lack of respect for her wishes?

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[Bnonymous]

Hi MrJake,

Have you asked her reasons for not wanting to hear those words? If so, what does she say?

[MrJake]

She says that she doesn't believe me -- that I'm a liar, a narcissist, a psychopath, a sociopath, that I have no empathy, etc. Of course, this changes, sometimes day to day. She has told me she hates me one day and the very next day that she loves me.

[Bnonymous]

Her not believing that you love her is probably more a matter of her not feeling loved (which may have nothing to do with you).

You can validate that. First and foremost, you could try expressing empathy over what it must be like to not believe we are loved. Then maybe ask her what things you could do or say to help her to feel your love for her.

Try this first and hold off on saying "I love you" in the moment. It's difficult, because you are right that withholding the words is likely to make her feel abandoned and rejected even though you're just respecting her wishes. It wouldn't be good for either of you to have a ban on the words for any length of time. But, chances are, she doesn't mean never say it; she probably means "don't say it right now because right now I can't emotionally believe it".

This might apply as a one-off to one specific moment in time, or it might apply to certain situations, e.g. maybe she doesn't want to hear those words during or in the aftermath of an argument. Remember she's likely to have trouble with ambivalence and shades of grey - the fact that people can be angry with one another and still love each other at the same time might be difficult for her to understand/process.

Maybe try talking to her about it when she's in a calmer, less dysregulated place.

What do you think?

[MrJake]

Thanks so much for your reply. It's very difficult to express empathy when your wife is screaming "I hate you" and "you're a psychopath," sometimes in front of your young children. But, I am learning more about empathetic listening (I wish our marriage counselor had told me about it) and I think it's a good idea. So far, I have had mixed success. Sometimes, she seems to respond; at other times, she still rages or rejects. Also, it might help calm her down, but it doesn't seem to address the deeper issues or curb the abuse.

I've had little success waiting until she's calmer to talk in our 5 years of marriage. Even when she's calm, it doesn't take anything for her to get riled up. As a result, we haven't been able to talk about many important things in life. And then, she accuses me of not leading or caring. I feel like I live in a constant double bind.

[Zakade]

You are in a tough situation because she is the one that wants out and you don't.  I can definitely see how you feel like you are in a double bind.  I wonder though that if she may be splitting on this.  When she feels happy and close, she is more willing to hear it but when she is agitated, she is not.  Could she hate the "bad" you and love the "good" you?

Instead of "I love you.", why not notice every single thing that she does that is positive and say something to her about it to show you are seeing her.  Also, my wife wants me to check in throughout the day, so I try to ask how her day is going without expecting anything in return.  I don't mention my day unless she asks but I keep it brief if she does. 

These are the things pwBPD want from us.  They have a hard time realizing that we care or even exist when they can't see us.  This path of wanting to stay together is a very long road.  You have to wait and be consistent for things to get better.