BPD Mother visiting from overseas

[2horribleparents]

Hi there,

I currently have my BPD mum visiting from overseas and thank goodness she will be going home tomorrow afternoon. She arrived 10days ago and as she started unpacking her suitcase pulled out a present for my daughter from my husbands step mother whom she was well aware we haven’t spoken to in 18months. We never sat down and discussed the reasons with her we just said we can’t talk about it right now and what they did was unforgivable. We said that at the airport the day we were moving overseas. This time she has arrived with the present and the news that her and my father catch up with my in-laws for dinner and coffee and are now doing business together and pretending she had no idea ‘because I don’t confide in her about anything’ this has been her common theme for this visit ‘I need to confide in her more’. Since we moved 18months ago for my husbands work my father (ASPD) has not spoken to me in which my sister has jumped on the band wagon at times (I suspect that she is BPD). My mum has spoken to me when we had moved yet she visited last time I looked at her phone because I don’t trust her and as I suspected she has been making drama about us moving. My parents fight dirty in every area of their lives they are always involved in suing someone or threatening or fighting someone else... .it’s pathetic and exhausting.
The things I saw on my mums phone were so hurtful and a very low blow but socializing with the in-laws whom they NEVER liked is a conscious effort to destroy us.
How would you handle this?
Once my mum asked me if she can give the present and saw how upset I got she actually acted disgusted etc. though last night and tonight yet again she has gone against what she said and wants to play the innocent party because she didn’t know because I don’t talk to her. I find this excuse to be another way to avoid taking responsibility and placing blame.
What would you do?

Thank you in advance

[Panda39]

Hi 2horribleparents,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

It always seems the holidays just up the stress and drama doesn't it? 

It sounds like you've got a lot of family members you are having to negotiate.  What I was hearing in your post is a lot of triangulation.

More on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

From the in-laws point of view and maybe your mom's point of view... .they are the victims (because you have gone no contact), you are the persecutor, your mother is the rescuer.

The issue is between you and your in-laws and either your in-laws or your mom on her own have inserted your mom... .added her to the triangle, in a situation between your in-laws and you.  Your mom has essentially become the "middle man".

As far as the gift goes I would just tell your mom that you can't accept it and that she should return it to the in-laws.  You don't need to go into why you can't accept it... .as the saying goes "No" is a complete sentence.

Again welcome, I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us.

Panda39

[zachira]

Naturally you are frustrated with your mother's behavior. What is probably key here is to remember certain kinds of people look for ways to accelerate conflict while the nicer healthier people try to make things better for others, and you can't help but be hurt and angry by behaviors that are intended to make you feel badly. You probably can't stop these types of behaviors, however you can control the effects they have on you and your family, particularly your daughter, by continuing to express your feelings, and limiting your contact with these people who continue to hurt and anger you, which you are doing.

[2horribleparents]

Thank you for your reply Panda39.

That article is great I have actually read it before and immediately thought of my parents patterns of behavior (with people in general) along with my sisters behavior and I noticed a lot of things whilst my mum has been here.

I actually think they have created a drama triangle together prompted by my moving. Because moving  makes me officially a separate person from the 3 of them and my parents want us to act as one person.

In the triangle that they have manufactured but I refuse to participate in. They have all agreed and labeled me the persecutor and they are the victims and mum has opted for a dual role of the rescuer and victim (she’s preoccupied with being the innocent)  ‘who just wants everyone to be happy and make things right’. When in reality mum has been running around along with dad ‘I don’t know what I did, we used to be so close’ ‘they are controlling’ ‘they’ve taken my grand baby away from me’ playing the victim and creating what they see as an army if people buy into their bs. My sister ‘I don’t feel like I have a sister anymore’.
My dad never said goodbye. When I first moved and I spoke to my dad he would be so nasty and cold and make no conversation, I have even sat opposite my parents  at my daughters birthday dinner when we were back in our hometown and my parents had closed answers when I tried to make conversation. I have wondered if that was them trying to make reality fit their conspired triangle. They seem so adamant to make reality fit their story that the two times mum has visited she has talked about just wanting to make ‘things right’. To which I have replied my husbands company had work overseas so we moved to help his career and be together as a family I don’t understand where the drama is in that, we are just living our lives...
My mum has said ‘we believe that you knew before you told us that you were going’... I guess another attempt at drama? Last time she was here I went through the facts and she has come back 8 months later and started with the original accusations about us knowing to which I responded I am a grown adult I do not have to explain myself or justify my decisions, I do not owe you an explanation for anything or have to prioritize telling you my business. Do you think she is trying to justify their behaviors?

I do not trust my mum. I never will. I kept making the mistake of trying to trust her through out my growing up and up until my early 30s not realizing what I was dealing with. She has let me down emotionally constantly  through my life and she always takes peoples words over mine my sisters in particular. Because my sister is a victim of life. A therapist has actually pointed out to me  that my sister being the way she is works well for my parents as she remains needy and dependent on them so then they remain in control and intertwined. Whilst I am identifying as separate from them and that is seen as a threat by them. Could this be their desperate attempts to intimidate me to conform with their ideal structure?

[2horribleparents]

Thank you Zachira.

It is very frustrating. We moved with the encouragement of our therapist to get away from the negativity of our families.

My husband and I have a beautiful relationship and a very peaceful home life, we get along well with people in general. The only drama in our lives is that of our families that they try and involve us in. We have no contact with my husbands father and step mother and no to limited contact with my mum, dad and sister.

I have definitely been a lot more vocal with my mum this time where I normally don’t bother speaking up because she makes my life hell. I don’t trust her with what I have said to magically find the ability to empathize or see things from my perspective but I guess at the end of the day at least I know I have spoken up for myself and given her the answers so when she fails me again emotionally at least I showed myself some respect.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

I am glad you are familiar with the drama triangle.  Can you see how stepping to the center and not playing keeps you out of the drama?  Your parents and in-laws will continue on as they are, but you do not need to respond.  It takes practice but I think you are getting there.

I have definitely been a lot more vocal with my mum this time where I normally don’t bother speaking up because she makes my life hell. I don’t trust her with what I have said to magically find the ability to empathize or see things from my perspective but I guess at the end of the day at least I know I have spoken up for myself and given her the answers so when she fails me again emotionally at least I showed myself some respect.

This is so important.  Speaking up is a matter of self-respect and it is vital to be able to do after a lifetime of being silent and squashing down who we are in an attempt to keep the pwBPD (person with BPD) calm.  We lose us when we do that and it really does not do much in terms of avoiding conflict it just increases it.  Speaking up is not about getting them to hear or understand or accept us.  It is about empowering us and saying no to being a passive victim.

I am not encouraging conflict or confrontation, but we have to start somewhere and I think the best place to start is with saying No while working to understand boundaries, how to use communication strategies and to work on self-differentiation.  As kids we learned none of this so we get to learn it now.

The above is that middle ground between being quiet and passive in the face of abuse and being combative and confrontational in reaction to abuse.  Neither of these are good or healthy for us.

Again, welcome!   

[zachira]

I admire how you have set some really healthy boundaries with your challenging family members. Everyone with these types of family challenges usually figure out and find tunes what works best for them as time goes on. You say you are speaking up more with your mother, and it is certainly is the right thing if it makes you feel better. I find with my mother and other difficult relatives, that speaking up just gives them the satisfaction that they have upset me, no matter how assertive or constructive the feedback, and seems to motive them to accelerate their hurtful behaviors. I am now working on only being in situations with them where they are others present whom they want to impress (mostly non family members or non immediate family) and/or there is a witness, like doing things in writing.

[2horribleparents]

So Mum left on Tuesday and I have been feeling quite low and emotionally exhausted since. Does anyone else experience this?

Usually, I feel emotionally drained/ exhausted after interacting with her. My psychologist has told me before that when I feel frustrated after seeing her that I am actually frustrated at myself and not her because I don’t stand up for myself.

This time was different. I kept myself busy in the lead up to her arrival and I didn’t give myself the opportunity to get anxious about her visit. I was strong and composed whilst she was here. I spoke up and was able to think clearly so that I wasn’t pushed around and refused to swallow her bs. I kept it together.
Yet, now I can’t stop crying, I literally had tears pouring out as I walked to my car after dropping my daughter off at preschool.
I know she is not going to change, I know she isn’t trustworthy and I know she is incapable of empathy but even though I spoke my mind I feel so frustrated that I can have a conversation with her and she can change facts or go back on what she said less than 24hrs before. Why do you think that is?
I find I struggle with people being inconsistent in general. I imagine that is linked to her behaviors growing up.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am sorry this is so difficult for you.     It hurts when you keep seeing how your mom and family can't really see you and don't know who you are and don't respect you as an individual.  It is painful.

pwBPD (people with BPD) have a fear of abandonment and you breaking away from the family and functioning independently is seen as abandonment.  *We* know that is not what is happening but with BPD feelings = facts.  They will twist facts to match their feelings.  I don't think they do this deliberately but rather is is all subconscious stuff that is a defense for them.  BPD is also a disorder of emotional regulation.  They have intense emotions and no good skills with which to cope and all sorts of defensive behaviors come out.

I am not defending what they are doing by telling you what I said above.  Rather, I am trying to give you perspective which can help you to depersonalize the behaviors so they are not so damaging to you.

A lot of our pain and upset come from having inappropriate expectations.  We often expect logic and reason to appeal to them or we expect them to be able to listen and see and hear us when we explain our viewpoint.  That is not going to happen, certainly not consistently.  Acceptance and having appropriate expectations will go a long way in helping you not to be so hurt by these encounters.

Does that make sense?

[zachira]

It is heartbreaking to have to deal with the hurtful behaviors from your mother. I have frequently cried over the hurt my mother with BPD has caused me, and lately I just don't feel so sad any more. It just seems I have cried my heart out, to the point that her bad behaviors just doesn't affect me as much. Take time to grieve your loss, because it is an enormous loss to have this type of parent, and it is a lifetime loss. It can help to check in on your feelings every day so they don't pile up. It sounds like you went out of your way to hide your feelings before she arrived and when she was in your home, even though you did let her know how you felt about the present, because the more you show your feelings, perhaps the worse she behaves, and the harder it is to get over her visit.

[Timba2]

I just wanted to empathize with you over the situation with your in-laws. My BPD mother has almost strategically, in my life, connected with those whom I had disconnected with.

Two stories that I'll make short- both ex's.

1 - I had broken up with an abusive boyfriend (who was similar to my mother) - and a few weeks later had surgery. My mom comes down for the surgery - sees my ex outside the hospital - and invites him on in for me to wake up from surgery to be greeted by them both (Wtf). She totally sympathized with him - and still does to this day. "You did this to him."

2- I was divorced two years ago - amicably. My mother had a melt-down and texted him for weeks telling him how hard it was on her.

I truly believe that the fear of abandonment that my mother has is so pervasive - that seeing me not speak to someone or see me break up with someone - is so terrifying for her that she goes towards them instead of me. It's almost like she has to punish me for her perception that I am abandoning them - if that makes sense. So while it is terribly cruel what your mother has done with your in-laws - I wouldn't be surprised if that is a subconscious part of her actions. Like - "here - let me ensure that you won't truly forget about them by reminding you I still have a connection with them and can weaponize this against you." So messed up and twisted. I will never get used to it. The most that I can do is ignore it and not play into it whatsoever - that's all she wants!