How do I handle the rage?

[waysforward]

It's been a good while since I have posted (July... .), and the typical cycle continues.  There are lots of aspects I can tolerate, but the frequency of hysterical rage events is becoming unsustainable.  They pretty much occur daily, and even the solace of an out of town business trip is punctured via the dreaded 'check in call', which almost always includes a vituperative screaming rage with a litany of some of the worst insults and name calling that you can imagine.  Usually there is at least one reference to "I should divorce you" or a suicidal reference (which never really seems serious but there for dramatic effect).  The in person incidents usually include the throwing of at least one object, again for dramatic effect it appears (and pretty much never directly at me).

Does anyone have advice on how to defuse or moderate these kind of rage?

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[Yellowpearl]

Hey, nice to see you back. Rages are not easy to deal with. It's great that you are trying to work this through. You mentioned that these rages happen everyday, is there anything that usually triggers these rages or particular source in which they happen?

What have you been trying to do already, to deal with them and what kind of reactions do you get?

What I realized about rages is backing away and just saying something short like "I understand you are upset, I am going to leave you be and we can talk a later" can be so helpful. Basically not feeding into it and letting them know you are leaving yourself out of it but will come back (so it's clear you are not abandoning). The hope with this strategy is that once a person with BPD calmer, they will remember what you said and seek you out. What do you think?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back though I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. 

When a person is that dysregualted there is little you can do or say to get them out of it.  I agree with Yellowpearl that excusing yourself with a promise to return is a good option.  It allows you to get to a safe and calm place and gives them a chance to calm down and begin to self soothe.

One other thing I will recommend is that you post here not just when there is a crisis but to come here when things are calmer and more peaceful.  It is hard to learn how to use the tools and new strategies for interacting with a pwBPD when you are stressed and unhappy.   It takes time to learn some of these tools, like the communication strategies for example.  Using them combined with validation techniques and knowing what not to say can go a long way in terms of keeping things calmer so they do not dysregulate so badly.

[AskingWhy]

I agree with not engaging.

I disengage when my uBPDuNPD H dysregulates.  Usually he has broken something made of glass or plastic.  My first priority is to get the grandchildren and pets safe, then tell H calmly, "It looks like you have a mess to clean up."

Crying or returning the anger, IMO, won't help.  You must let your partner deal with his/her own anger.

[waysforward]

Thanks to everyone for the advice.  The typical rages can occur anytime, but when children's 'issues' are involved, hungry, tired, etc. they are more likely. 

Usually I just try to stay calm and respond to whatever claim or grievance is being made--I have long given up on arguing back or trying to convince her of logic or 'what really happened'.

After the holidays (an annual stress multiplier for her) I will introduce the approach of disengaging with a promise to return. 

What I continued to be amazed by though is her severe lack of self awareness--an inability to perceive how far out of societal norms that her reactions are.