Terrified to Leave for the Sake of the Children

[cannon10]

Have been married almost 20 years to my uBPDW.  Engagement period was bliss.  First couple of years of marriage were great but every so often she offered me a small glimpse into what was yet to come.  I let these outbursts or erratic behaviors roll off my back but as the years went on (and 4 children later), it has gotten to the point where life is completely untenable.

To be fair, I have not been a saint in the relationship, but thats for another discussion.  The issue I am dealing with is what to do in this marriage.  She has graduated to criticizing me, bashing me, belittling me, and other stuff in front of the kids.  She calls me a liar, other names and curses incessantly.  When I married this woman, she was the most eloquent person I ever met and hated whenever I used bad language around her.

Despite working full-time, I am VERY involved with the children.  I handle the morning routine every AM, because she won't get out of bed (the kids have to go upstairs and "kiss her ring" i mean "goodbye").  I get all four kids off to school and am late for work everyday.  She then gets annoyed with me if I work a full day and wants me home way earlier than i should be leaving the office.  I work from home on Fridays most weeks, and my working from home slowly evolved into handling all Friday chores, errands and kid duty, while juggling work.  There are days when she doesnt even leave the bedroom.

I just cant take it anymore.  Our kids are amazing, but they are starting to get brain washed by her and i am terrified of that.  I am even more terrified of getting a divorce and not being in the house with the kids every day.

Ironically, she is the one that constantly threatens divorce / separation and has tried to kick me out of the house on more than one occasion.

I believe that I am destined to suffer the rest of my life so that my kids will be OK, that they will know peace and stability and will have a great loving relationship with me.  If i am not living in the house, i am terrified of what happens to them. 

I don't even know if anyone on this page can even help me but I am open to any and all advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

You are in similar situation to many of our members who are parents: you don't want to leave because you are terrified to leave your children with your wife with  BPD. You feel like this will never end. How old are your children? Are you documenting everything that is going on? You might want to read "Splitting" a book on divorcing a spouse with BPD and/or NPD. We have several reviews on it in our book section and there are many reviews of it as well on Amazon.com.  I am in no way suggesting that you get a divorce. What I am trying to say is that there are strategies in this book that can help you to protect your children and make it more likely for you to get custody in the even that your wife carries through on her divorce threats. There are many other members who have dealt with situations similar to yours and will share their stories and strategies. Keep us posted on how you are doing and how we can be the most helpful.

[Harri]

Hi cannon and welcome.  I am glad you found us though I am sorry for what brings you here.  We have many spouses who have struggled with the same issue of dealing with a BPD spouse and protecting the kids.  It is a very complex and highly personal decision that we can't make for you obviously, but we can help you sort out what you want and different ways of trying to improve your situation and that of your kids.

Staying in bed all day could be a sign of depression.  Do you know if she has been diagnosed with that?  How old are your kids?  How is your wife with them? 

Sorry to hit you with so many questions.  As you share more we will be able to guide you better.  In the meantime I hope you get comfortable and read and jump in and start posting in threads.  Reading other peoples stories that can be so similar to yours lets you know you are not alone.  Also it can give you ideas for things you can try in your situation.  Sometimes too, just getting a different perspective is good.

anyway, I hope to talk with you again.

[AskingWhy]

Divorce threats seem to be common with pwBPD.  My uBPD H uses the threat as a weapon to try to manipulate me.

As for fear, have you taken the MOSAIC test for domestic violence?

It's free and confidential. 

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Start taking an inventory your your W's behavior.  You are clearly fearful for your own safety and the safety of your children.

Thank you for posting.  Take care and be safe.

[Enabler]

Morning Cannon10,

Welcome to the family  . My gut reaction when I first read your post was... ."He needs to fully document this", so I massively echo the other members advice to start to journal with as much detail as practical your involvement in the kids welfare, her behaviours, her accusations, any conflict & threats. Leaving and divorce is one of a range of options your have, similarly leaving the kids with her is one of a range of options you have... .it maybe time to think outside the box to alternative scenarios that 'I leave and she has custody of the kids'.

How is your mental health? I know from personal experience that decades of criticism, most of which borders on laughable hypocrisy can take it's toll on your sense of up & down. Finding yourself a solid base with which to ground yourself on can be one of the greatest challenges especially when someone is constantly taking your legs out from underneath you. I found that writing the journal/notes considerably improved my perception of reality.

Enabler

[Jerome Finn]

I handle the morning routine every AM, because she won't get out of bed (the kids have to go upstairs and "kiss her ring" i mean "goodbye").  I get all four kids off to school and am late for work everyday.  She then gets annoyed with me if I work a full day and wants me home way earlier than i should be leaving the office.

My wife does this too.  She's an insomniac so every single morning with a few exceptions I am getting the kids out the door to school all by myself.  It is a very big source of resentment.  I'm brand new to all this so I don't think I can give any advice on this but I thought it might be nice to know you're not alone on that one.

[Enabler]

Can you identify other stressful flash points she tactically avoids by hiding in bed, 'doing the washing', being on the phone? Times like:

Bath and bedtime
Homework
Packing for holidays
Organising birthday parties
Festive food preparation
Food preparation in general

Does she make herself available for non-stressful enjoyable tasks such as story time, watching movies, social events?

I find there my W self medicates her distress tolerance with avoidance... .she avoids anything stressful and anything involving culpability risk.