Just feeling dumpy overall

[isilme]

This isn't tied exclusively to my H and his BPD.  That's not helping, but I am just not able to stay in a good place for very long these days.  Sorry, y'all know I write to keep from going on crying jags.

The washing machine is weirdly broken.  It fills, but won't start to agitate and go through the cycle.  I know it's likely the door lock sensor or timer acting up, but when the repairman came last week, it worked perfectly.  So he had nothing to test or check out, I was just a silly woman who didn't know to give my machine some time to sort itself.  It worked Friday after his visit, but not yesterday when I needed to wash clothes for work.  I thought it was fine, so I spent money on book shelves  we'd been wanting to organize our office and dining room as a Christmas gift to us.  Now, I am worried I need to somehow take those shelves back once they arrive (one set won't fit in the car easily)  And I can't get the man on the phone, we only have one repairman in town that I know of.  He's pretty good, but if the machine isn't acting weird when he comes, I don't know how to make it "break" for him to see.  H was not happy last night, and I may spend 2 hours tonight at the laundromat.  Again.  Talked to my friend this mronign about how bummed I was, and she was like, "yeah, we had to buy a washer a while back from my husbands parents, it sucked."  I was like, "yeah, no parents to buy from, looking at how much Lowes is going to cost me - it's a lot". 

Being NC from my family is not fun at the holidays.  I am very conscious of having no family.  And co-workers who don't understand in this tight-knit family region of the country, like super tight-knit with 3 generations living together, or more, ask awkward questions and I am tired of my bland answers and the blank stares.  Not talking to my own mother and father doesn't click with them.  Not having 20 aunts and uncles and cousins to talk to and visit and ask for help in life does not make sense.  Being pretty much alone in the world in order to save my limited sanity does not make sense.  And my FOO was small to start, many are now deceased, and they had little to nothing to do with me most of my life anyway.  I lived far away from them until I was age 15-19, and then had to go NC.  4 years of interaction versus 41 years of life is not much.  Anyway, the questions bring things to mind I try to forget. 

And, my coworkers seem to forget about me as it is.  We are doing a Secret Santa for December.  It's voluntary, it was nice last year, and so I put my name in the hat again this year.  The lady who pulled my name was really sweet and put much more effort into it than I'd thought anyone would do for me.  But we're all supposed to give/get a small gift last week, one this week, and a "large" gift at the office party next week.  Other got their small gift last week.  I did not.  Maybe something came up, I can't remember who may have been out ill, but I got forgotten last year at another group Secret Santa as well, so I am just figuring I am just not worth many remembrances.  I have been forgotten for other things this year at work, so it's a sore spot I suppose.  I spent time and money making some casseroles with a migraine for our office Thanksgiving pot luck.  I got held up in the office and could not go take care of putting my own food at the venue 3 blocks away where they chose to have it, I had to stay and supervise some work being done last minute.  I asked if someone could please take it and heat it up in the microwave for like 3 minutes and put it out with everyone else's stuff since I got stuck.  I was told, "sure."  I got there, everyone was eating and my food was behind the serving table, cold, on the floor.  They used my serving spoons which had been in the bag with my food, but the casseroles were on the floor.  I make sure to get gifts for all of H"s family, whether we make something, or buy something, for all birthdays.  But I think he and I have both been forgotten for out respective birthdays.  Well, no, his sister got him a morbid gift for his brithfay.  A "Bucket List" of movies scratch off poster.  Yay.  Great gift for your brother who thinks he's dying.  Wonderful. 

H is missing a lot of work.  He claims he is too dizzy each morning, won't let me get him to a doctor, can't seem to push through it.  He then is mad he missed work, and gets fussy with me to start a fight to make me feel angry so he can expel his anger at missing work on me for "starting a fight".  He won't sugar test, he won't blood pressure test, he doesn't seem to be able to be read on a thermometer somehow, I am just tired.  I can't have him lose his job because he won't go.  I fear a lot of this is his own depression.  I am upset.  When do I get to simply fall apart and stop going to work?  Stop cleaning?  Stop buying groceries?  I could use a week or two of staying home doing little more than playing video games. 

I am feeling very un Christmas.  I haven't even been able to get my tree up, I've been too tired.  I don't want to get his niece and nephew things, they get s many toys it's all lost in the shuffle.  His parents don't use/appreciate much, his brother is pretty much the only one I feel likes/uses our gifts. 

I know this is all petty, silly stuff.  I should be bigger, stronger than this.  I usually can be, but this past year has me so worn down, so tired, so ready to cry.  Those around me are also having a crappy year.  I just want it over. 

[HappyChappy]

Being NC from my family is not fun at the holidays.  I am very conscious of having no family... .I know this is all petty, silly stuff.  I should be bigger, stronger than this. 

We all need an emotional sit down now and then, doesn't mean we're strong or week, just meens we're human. You've got family on here and you are clearly very well thought of on here. You got a thoughtful Secret Santa present, that suggest you are well  thought of at work. Never forget that when we are down, we have an unrealisticly low opinion of oursleves, I know I have to keep reminding myself that things are normaly never as bad as my CPTSD suggest they are. So here's a big group hug, to show how important you are to these boards and this Beagle.         

[Panda39]

Hi isilme,

I think the holidays are tough for many of us in general, but when you are already under stress and the stress of the holidays gets piled on top of that it can get overwhelming.

I have a story about my car that is much like your washing machine, it's like there is a conspiracy to make us look silly, and waste ours and other people's time.  I'm sorry your having to deal with the stress of this on top of everything else. 

I'm also hearing you feeling a bit invisible (I have felt this too) lack of family, the secret santa gift, and having to "do" for so many others.  But who is doing for you? Resentment is a normal response here.

I know you know this already, but just as a reminder... .Self-Care    Try and fit some in, take a break from all these people and things, give some time to yourself.

Take Care,
Panda39