The Holiday Reconciliation Narrative

[aslowrealization]

Over the weekend, I was watching "Home Alone" one of my favorite holiday classic movies. I chuckled at all the great one-liners, familiar jokes, and overall coziness that I've come to associate with a Chris Columbus film. Then we got to the church scene. I always liked that the movie had a heart-warming side to it too, one that, before this realization, I did not question: family is love, family is everything, family should be together at all costs. This year, as that scene played, I grew silent. And I did not smile as wide as I once did at the ending.

I realize that having this realization can make me think of abuse situations when they're the farthest thing from the writer or speaker's mind. The movie doesn't go into detail about what happened between the elderly gentleman and his son... .there could have been abuse there, it may have just been a simple argument that blew up and ended in them not talking for years. But those of us on these boards and throughout the world who have experienced abuse know that sweet and simple "pick up the phone" reconciliations should never be forced or expected or even encouraged by adorable plucky 8 year olds. Each of us has the right to limit contact, even with family, and each of us has the right to determine when and how we re-engage, if at all.

I've found that this time of year is full of messages like the one in "Home Alone"... .I sit in church and the priest tells a lengthy story similar to the "Home Alone" example ("a father and son got in a fight, they stopped talking... .then a family member died and they got along again as if nothing happened") and says "Pick up a phone, call that loved one." Several classic holiday movies and commercials and even others' lives focus on letting things go "for the holidays." Is it any wonder that our PD relatives and associates feel they are in the right when they force engagement, send gifts, bump up the guilt? How do we, as those facing and healing from abuse situations in our lives, counter the powerful cultural narrative of holiday family reconciliation?

[Panda39]

aslowrealization,

Great question, my SO's D22 is no contact with her mom and has a really hard time with this.

Her solution is to just not talk about her mom... .she stuffs (Her dad and I have suggested therapy but she won't do it  ).  I know from my own experience that stuffing emotions only puts off the inevitable... .they will surface later.

To me countering the "family reconciliation" push, is to be open and honest about the abuse... .shining a light on what happened. For many abuse is outside their experience so they aren't even aware that there might be another experience/point of view.  There also could be a religious "forgiveness" component here too.

The problem is sharing that information, is often the last thing someone wants to share.  Talking about it can mean reliving something, or feelings of shame, or feelings of anger or sadness... .or a million other things.  It also means being very vulnerable.

My guess is that if my SO's D22 told the story of her mother lying to her about paying for college tuition, sending her daughter to college knowing she couldn't pay, failing to pay, and putting D22 in debt to the tune of $15,000 most people would understand why she has no relationship with her mother.

If that story wasn't enough, there is the story of sending her sister (14 at the time) out of state to camp on a one way ticket to no where.  D14 stayed with the parent of one of her mother's friends, was told not to tell her dad where she was (we thought she was at camp).  Mom promised to send the money for camp... .only you guessed it there was no money.  Eventually D14 finally called her dad and we got her home.

When I've told those stories to my friends they get it... .who does this to their children? Who would trust a person who does things like that.  Those are the biggest stories with the biggest bang, but there are others that are smaller that reinforce the same pattern of behaviors.

I go back to being honest and real... .not all families... .probably very few families match the "Hallmark" or "Facebook" image of perfect family.  There is a lot of keeping up appearances going on out there, a lot of shame, a lot of hiding things, a lot of faking perfection.  Every family is different and on a spectrum of function/dysfunction.

I think my D22 needs to share her story, but I think there is shame in the story for her... .she fell for her mom's promise of funds (she will look stupid), what does this say about her value when her mother treats her like this (I must not be good because my own mother did this to me), shame around a mentally ill parent (mom's crazy, that's embarrassing and does that reflect on D22).

So, pushing through fear/shame, be honest, understand/accept that other's may not get it, and do what is right for you. Share your truth & be authentic.

I will also add know that you are not alone.  Awhile back there was a post on Facebook about this very thing and I posted that sometimes it is healthier not to have some people in our lives and I was not the only person voicing that opinion   

Panda39

[Harri]

When I hear stuff like that I get frustrated but then remember that some people have no idea what abuse is like and I am mostly thankful for that.  I also try to remember that some people might still be in denial or FOG and that each person has a right to their own narrative.

I just wish everyone would extend that to everyone else.  One of my nurses is horrified that her husband of 34 years wants nothing to do with his mothers care now that she is elderly.  He was abused and beat up by his father and his mother let it happen and even encouraged it.  My nurse does not understand and keeps saying but it his his mother.  I finally asked her what sort of childhood she had.  She said it was like a fairy tale.  I said okay then just be thankful you can't relate but allow your husband to feel the way he does without you shaming him for it. 

I think I pissed her off and wish I knew a better way of saying something to her.  I definitely let my stuff get in the way.  She was just so upset and venting so long about it, over a period of months when she was here. 

But what do you say?

I don't know but I do know that I am grateful for all the people here who do get it.  No defending or explanations needed here.

 

[Panda39]

Maybe just say... .I had an abusive parent and it is healthier for me if they are not in my life.

Panda39

[Harri]

I like the simple and direct solutions you offer Panda!  You are so right.   

How are you doing aslowrealization?  Have you been weathering the holiday 'pre-games' okay?

[aslowrealization]

So far, so good Harri. Someone asked me if I was going "home" for the holidays recently... .and I just said (cheerfully) "I am home!" It was just a casual conversation and they left it at that. That was a lucky one... .there are plenty of folks like the nurse you mentioned, who simply cannot even entertain the notion that someone would limit contact with family, let alone not engage in elder care. I'm not sure that there is a better way to say it (asking her to reflect and consider that her mindset might be based on her own perspective as someone who had a "fairy tale" childhood seems like a good move tbh)... .sometimes, we just have to plant the little seeds and allow the realizations to grow in their own time... .if they ever do for that individual.

I'm still enjoying the season a lot, even though I actually do miss my uNPD mom more than I thought I would... .not enough to make contact, but more than I'd imagined. I'm less worried about the holiday itself since for the past two years I've spent either Christmas or Thanksgiving alone due to circumstance (recovering from medical treatment and last minute cancellation of travel plans).

In the meantime, I'm just continuing to return to my little bit of peace again and again, especially as work and folks in general are getting busier and more tense leading up to deadlines, holiday travel... .and, of course, their own family situations... .

[nenarox2]

EXACTLY! I never liked that part because I never believed in family that much. My dad was a narcissist and my mother was BPD.

[Harri]

I'm still enjoying the season a lot, even though I actually do miss my uNPD mom more than I thought I would... .not enough to make contact, but more than I'd imagined.

  I still miss my mom sometimes.  Generally not, but sometimes.  I'm okay with that.  It just is. 

Keep that spirit alive.  I think it is important and a good sign that you are still able to find joy and comfort in the holiday season. 

 

[nenarox2]

There were times when I was white in my dBPD mothers eyes. She was loving and kind... .I understand the missing of your mom... .