Cold relationship

[johnnyutah]

My wife and I went to marriage Counseling a couple times before my wife would no longer go. During the time at counseling the therapist diagnosed my wife with BPD. I have since read some books and continued to go to counseling but it feels like things are still not getting better. I don’t want to get divorced. I am looking for some support and answeres with problems.
Problem 1. My wife will absolutely not adhere to any medical/parenting advice our pediatrician gives.
Problem 2. My wife’s criticism, of my children and me.
Problem 3. I have a very hard time setting limits with my wife.
Any help ideas with these would be much appreciated

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zakade]

Welcome Johnnyutah.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling. You have a few great questions that people here are willing to help with. 

What are some of the things that she is doing to get a diagnoses?

I would start with your third question first.  When we deal with other people, we can't expect them to change just because we think that they need help.  With the BPD it's doubly so. (read my quotes at the bottom of my post) So the only person that we can change is ourselves.  So with that, setting boundaries is hard.  Especially if someone runs over them every chance they get.  I think it's important to start small and build.  Find something that you have total control of and set some boundaries around that.  Don't try setting boundaries for something you don't control.  Easier ones to start with are, "If you continue to yell, I will leave the room/house."  Or better, with validation, "I can see that you are really upset about this and I would like to talk to you about it but if you continue to yell, I will have to remove myself from this conversation until you can talk to me without yelling."  This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Zakade

[johnnyutah]

Thank you for your response zakade.

   So our couples therapist exact words when he told me my wife had BPD he said “I am not sure how far I want to go down this rabbit hole, but your wife doesn’t really know who she is, I believe she has BPD.” He contributed some off her outrages at my children to her BPD as examples and told me to read stop walking on egg shells.
     From what I have read my wife would be considered to be a high functioning BPD, she acts out, criticizing, yelling, very controlling. I have zero friends now.  No one in my home is allowed to be themselves it seems.
    Putting in place a “no yelling” is one of the first boundaries I have been working on putting in place. I literally have to physically put my self between my wife and the person she is yelling at and usher the person out of the room. Then my wife feels like I am not choosing her side.

[Zakade]

I want to put this out there that if you are choosing to stay and work on the relationship that this will be slow slow slow road to making things better.  As you may already know that there is a strong chance that she might not follow suit with what you are doing and you are probably going to make the relationship worse before it gets better for reasons like you mentioned.  She thinks you are picking sides. 

For the no yelling, that is a great place to start.  It might be a good idea to sit the family down and officially announce that this policy is going to be put in place.  That way when you interpose your wife, you should affirm her point of view by saying something like, "I do agree with some of the points that you are trying to make and I can see that you are really upset but I'm really trying hard to uphold the policy that we have in place about yelling.  When we all have had a chance to take a break from this, we can get together and talk in a calm manner."  At this point, she may have the same thoughts and actions as she does now but you have validated her and reminded her that it's a policy of the house.  After doing this  consistently for many many times, you will start to notice a difference. 

One last point, you have to be on your top behavior.  Abide by your own policy as much as possible.  If and when you screw it up, you need to apologize as soon as you are level headed again.  And be prepared for your wife to take those moments and try to use them against you when she is upset.  She may say, "You have double standards.  How come you get to run around here yelling and when I do it, you get up on your high horse and criticize me for yelling?"  This is a time to assure her that no one is perfect and that everyone is going to mess up.  You have apologized for the yelling and you are trying to do better next time.

Zakade

[johnnyutah]

Great perspective thank you zakade

[Bnonymous]

Hi johnnyutah 

You're getting some excellent input from Zakade here.

I agree that "no yelling" was a really good choice for a starting point.

How are things going?

[johnnyutah]

I would say things are very contagious right now we don’t talk to each other about anything with substance and when we do it ends up in some degree of an argument.

[Bnonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that, johnnyutah. Can you give us an example of one of these arguments, the back-and-forth of it, so we can get a clearer idea on what you're facing and how to help?